Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice

[Tahoma 2,292]

I did give her a second chance of sorts, but within a day or two she failed.

This is a telling remark. Since you are completely anonymous here on VJ, why not tell us the story.

Is anyone else curious?

[Jared and May 16]

Might as well let it all out...

[piglett 16]

Might as well let it all out...

ya come on let er rip!

piglett

[SaddenedNow 5]

This is a telling remark. Since you are completely anonymous here on VJ, why not tell us the story.

Is anyone else curious?

I simply asked if she wanted to remain here as my wife, and give me her love and respect. She said she wanted to stay here and work it out. I said we could go forward and see if it could work, but only if she would be honest, loving and respectful.

Her chat log a couple days later showed her expressing to her family that she would leave me if she felt she could. Well, I will make her wish come true and have her leave.

Translation of those chat logs were just received today, and I have not had the opportunity to tell her again that she is going. I will not buy the ticket until I tell her, because if she expresses a refusal to go, then the non-refundable ticket is useless. However, her suitcase has remained packed since the first time I told her she would have to go home, so I do not think she will argue.

Sometimes letting someone go is the most loving action one can take.

[piglett 16]

Sadden is there any reason why you have not turned her into the feds?

It's your ballgame in the end but that would be my next move

good luck

piglett

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I simply asked if she wanted to remain here as my wife, and give me her love and respect. She said she wanted to stay here and work it out. I said we could go forward and see if it could work, but only if she would be honest, loving and respectful.

Her chat log a couple days later showed her expressing to her family that she would leave me if she felt she could. Well, I will make her wish come true and have her leave.

Translation of those chat logs were just received today, and I have not had the opportunity to tell her again that she is going. I will not buy the ticket until I tell her, because if she expresses a refusal to go, then the non-refundable ticket is useless. However, her suitcase has remained packed since the first time I told her she would have to go home, so I do not think she will argue.

Sometimes letting someone go is the most loving action one can take.

to the part in red.

However, it sounds like you think you can't force her to go? You simply have to tell her, her options nonchalantly - she can either agree to fly home or leave your house and have you notify immigration. She has no negotiating power in this one. If you want her to go, which you've indicated so, then there is no more negotiating.

Edited November 22, 2010 by 8TBVBN

[SaddenedNow 5]

Sadden is there any reason why you have not turned her into the feds?

It's your ballgame in the end but that would be my next move

good luck

piglett

The feds would not do anything except tell me to send her away at my own expense. Nothing criminal can be proven from her actions. She came here legally at my request, and it simply is not going to work out. They will not get involved unless they believe she intends to stay illegally. And even then, if they would act is questionable.

to the part in red.

However, it sounds you think you can't force her to go? You simply have to tell her options nonchalantly - she can either agree to fly home or leave your house and have you notify immigration. She has no negotiating power in this one. If you want her to go, which you've indicated so, then there is no more negotiating.

Yes, agreed. I will just tell her she has to go as she has nothing to gain by staying. I will withdraw my AOS support affadavit if needed, and make certain she fails the bonafide marriage element of the interview. She would not know how to pursue AOS without my assistance anyway. But I need to know she understands this. No more negotiating is correct.

[Gumbolette 58]

Saddenednow,

I commend you for being such an open minded person. But sometimes even you love someone the most, you have to learn how to let that someone go even it means hurting yourself temporarily.

She has done this to you without even thinking what you will feel if you find out, but her you are you are trying to fix a broken glass but sooner or later it will also shatter.

She has made mistakes and its only right that you forgive her. She had your forgiveness by giving her second chance.. YET, she failed you again, how many more chances you will give her until you really realized that this girl is not right for you. Marriage is about giving oneself fully to your partner not half for you and half to the other. Based from your posts, you seem to be very loving man, but even though you and her try to work things out, you will always have that thought at the back of your mind that she has once, twice and how many more times will try to cheat on you, because she knows you will always forgive her.

Talk to her and lay your last words. She will have a better life when she moves on, and so will you.

Edited November 22, 2010 by Cutie_Patootie

[Rings 10]

You know... I appreciate your patience with her. I understand that you love her and didn't want to make a mistake and give up something you have worked so hard to obtain. I really do see your love for her when you write. I can understand the loss you must feel. It must be horrible for you to endure. I am sorrry that you have to love and let go.

It is not as easy as many of these people make it out to be and I commend you for doing it in a honest, respectible and in good taste. When I think of your actions... I think of my own patient husband... Who I want to kiss right nowfor being who he is.

It's not a cake walk... it's not so simple... it's a life choice... your time to make this decision is your own and I honor that. I commend how you have handled it and I think that for a man who loves a woman... in the end...she is the one that has lost. Your patience is something many women look for. Do not loose hope on everlasting love.

It is better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. Do what you must do to protect yourself and in the meantime...keep your dignity... it looks good on you!

[marklovetina 52]

Sometimes letting someone go is the most loving action one can take.

Yes, agreed. I will just tell her she has to go as she has nothing to gain by staying. I will withdraw my AOS support affadavit if needed, and make certain she fails the bonafide marriage element of the interview. She would not know how to pursue AOS without my assistance anyway. But I need to know she understands this. No more negotiating is correct.

Saddenednow,

I commend you for being such an open minded person. But sometimes even you love someone the most, you have to learn how to let that someone go even it means hurting yourself temporarily.

She has done this to you without even thinking what you will feel if you find out, but her you are you are trying to fix a broken glass but sooner or later it will also shatter.

She has made mistakes and its only right that you forgive her. She had your forgiveness by giving her second chance.. YET, she failed you again, how many more chances you will give her until you really realized that this girl is not right for you. Marriage is about giving oneself fully to your partner not half for you and half to the other. Based from your posts, you seem to be very loving man, but even though you and her try to work things out, you will always have that thought at the back of your mind that she has once, twice and how many more times will try to cheat on you, because she knows you will always forgive her.

Talk to her and lay your last words. She will have a better life when she moves on, and so will you.

:thumbs:

[sunandmoon 450]

when the time is right, hopefully can forgive, for peace within yourself. to quote Dr. Lewis Smedes...

"I worry about fast forgivers. They tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain. Or they forgive fast in order to get an advantage over the people they forgive. And their instant forgiving only makes things worse...People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give themselves time and space before they forgive...There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance; we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives...Don't do it quickly, but don't wait too long...If we wait too long to forgive, our rage settles in and claims squatter's rights to our souls."

[Tahoma 2,292]

SaddenedNow...

So far, you have misread this scammer every step of the way. You also continue to dismiss the very real danger to you if this scammer decides to go the VAWA route. And you don't seem to understand that this scammer can get a Green Card based upon a VAWA claim. You have not even taken the most basic step to protect yourself by reporting the scammer to ICE. I hope you take the necessary steps to protect yourself from abuse charges.

For the record...

Vanessa&Tony...

Not to mention getting her out of the house, never being alone with her in case she tries VAWA...

Bob 4 Anna...

WATCH OUT FOR A FALSE VAWA CLAIM... Never be alone with her...

SaddenedNow...

Oh, not to worry---as long as I send her off, she will not get her Green Card. Still early in the AOS process, so it will be easy to prevent issuance.

Vanessa&Tony...

Getting her out now is the safest option in terms of VAWA.

She may claim abuse to get a card that way.

Vanessa&Tony...

..if she claims you abused her. She'll call the police on you, have you arrested for assault and get the GC that way. You NEED to report her to ICE. Do it now before she has a chance to accuse you of anything.

Mike&Cherry...

You should notify ICE right away before she starts to make any bogus claims of abuse. You never know what type of ####### she will pull.

Bob 4 Anna...

Just to protect yourself you might want to think about putting her up in a motel on the other side of town until her flight home.

SaddenedNow...

I am not worried so much of false accusations, but will be mindful of them.

David & Kezia...

...and better report her right away before she actually does so while you're away at work or before she reports you for abuse.

BigJohn...

...it is only a matter of time before someone suggests to her to call in a complaint of violence to the police and then she can stay.

BigJohn...

...he is going to have only himself to blame when she hurts him more with a violence charge to stay in the country.

BigJohn...

Well, he hasn't posted in a few days... it's possible he couldn't cuz he's been in jail on a domestic charge

Vanessa&Tony...

...the horror stories we hear about people getting all of a sudden charge with assault, domestic violence charge etc etc and she could go the VAWA route.

Just please be careful she isn't able to claim ANY sort of abuse. That's why you should try and stay away from her as much as possible. Have a friend come over to stay, basically give her NO chance to accuse you of something and you have no alibi.

[Kevin-n-Merlaine 14]

I know in your heart you feel like you're doing the "right thing". A lot of the posters here see your situation as a "love gone wrong" kinda thing and It would seem, from your posts that you, at least somewhat, feel that way too. I don't blame you one bit, but I really think you were the only one with any glimmer of love. If she deceived you from the very beginning and you didn't catch it until after you married her then please, protect yourself from any false assault/abuse charges. I'm guessing the only reason she hasn't played that card yet is because she hasn't thought of it and no one's suggested it too her. She's already played you in the worst possible way - why wouldn't she take one more step to get the GC? Be careful man. Don't let her pour salt in your open wounds.

[Fandango 1,439]

OP I'm very sorry you've gone through this. But I would strongly advise to contact the proper authorities. Best of luck to you.

___________

I commented on this once before in this thread, but I'd like to add a bit for the benefit of VJ:

While I have stated support for and still do support forgiveness and even reconciliation, you still have to be extremely careful. It seems you're doing that. But if you continue to consider reconciliation, you'll have to use a level of caution that might be beyond your (and most folks') capability. Since you are often at work, you won't have the ability to monitor her behavior. I'd say she could do without any contact with the Philippines for a good long time. Not as punishment, but as precaution. It could be hard to do that since you're not home though. You could make sure she doesn't have direct access to the money, and sever her ability to call and text overseas as well. Disable the computer when you're not home (BIOS password). Even with all that, you'll have to take quite a leap of faith in trusting her again.

As somebody else said, go forward with reporting everything, because it's very possible it's still all a scam. If you report things now, it helps prevent a VAWA problem if she goes that route.

I have been blown away ever since reading this...I've never 'met' anyone irl or on here, who would legitimately have this method of thinking to pretty much take his wife a prisoner as a means of reconciliation. The situation you described above is the very scenario which would QUALIFY her for a VAWA claim. I'm highlighting this again to let other people reading this thread, who MIGHT take your advice, that this is not the way to go...not morally, or even legally wrt VAWA. This advice, however well intentioned, is BAD BAD BAD. Think about it...if you have to sever her contact with her homeland, sever her contact with money, disable the computer...is that a wife, or a dog being punished? If anyone needs to do any of those things above, the marriage is TOAST. And doing all those things to a new immigrant who may or may not have command of the English language is just deplorable, it's forcing her to be wholly dependent on her husband with no other options - and the very reason why VAWA was created.

I suggest no one with marital problems on the brink of divorce try your method of 'rebuilding'. Again, I realize OP has made his decision, but for everyone else contemplating this...DON'T DO IT.

Edited November 22, 2010 by Lisa C

[SaddenedNow 5]

OP I'm very sorry you've gone through this. But I would strongly advise to contact the proper authorities. Best of luck to you.

___________

I commented on this once before in this thread, but I'd like to add a bit for the benefit of VJ:

I have been blown away ever since reading this...I've never 'met' anyone irl or on here, who would legitimately have this method of thinking to pretty much take his wife a prisoner as a means of reconciliation. The situation you described above is the very scenario which would QUALIFY her for a VAWA claim. I'm highlighting this again to let other people reading this thread, who MIGHT take your advice, that this is not the way to go...not morally, or even legally wrt VAWA. This advice, however well intentioned, is BAD BAD BAD. Think about it...if you have to sever her contact with her homeland, sever her contact with money, disable the computer...is that a wife, or a dog being punished? If anyone needs to do any of those things above, the marriage is TOAST. And doing all those things to a new immigrant who may or may not have command of the English language is just deplorable, it's forcing her to be wholly dependent on her husband with no other options - and the very reason why VAWA was created.

I suggest no one with marital problems on the brink of divorce try your method of 'rebuilding'. Again, I realize OP has made his decision, but for everyone else contemplating this...DON'T DO IT.

Agreed--I did take the cell phone away initially, but returned it after an 8 hour shift, and let her know I was not going to cut her off from talking/texting with her family.

Also, probably my final update: one-way flight on JAL departing Tuesday 11/23 booked. Our Visa Journey is now over, so therefore my participation is over also. I have deep wounds to attend to and let heal.