Can I be banned from the Philippines?

[Mnemosyne 4]

It's actually unbelievable that instead of finding ways to fix the marriage, this guy is already looking into getting another woman from the Philippines. He's more worried with being banned from the PH in the future and that he couldn't hook up with another girl there rather than solving the present situation.

Just earlier this year, the same guy was asking VJers how his fiancee could get her police clearance from another country.

Note: It has been ages since I last posted on VJ and I cannot remember my password. A nod to the mods and the Ewok.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

It's actually unbelievable that instead of finding ways to fix the marriage, this guy is already looking into getting another woman from the Philippines. He's more worried with being banned from the PH in the future and that he couldn't hook up with another girl there rather than solving the present situation.

Just earlier this year, the same guy was asking VJers how his fiancee could get her police clearance from another country.

Note: It has been ages since I last posted on VJ and I cannot remember my password. A nod to the mods and the Ewok.

For every "bad Filipina" story we get here on VJ, and there have been many, there have got to be about as many "bad Kano's." In reality, it's rarely one-sided.

[Kevin- 13]

You need to put a lot more effort into this before you begin considering divorce, etc. I can't help but think the fact that you're already considering ending the marriage is actually having a major negative effect on it. You can do better in how you're acting toward your wife, even if she does sound quite lazy. If she can be helped to get away from the mindset she has, lazy is fixable. If your mother is helping her act irrationally, then make sure your mother gets the whole story.

Do you ever say anything about divorce, getting another lady, etc? If so, KNOCK IT OFF! That's like stabbing her in the heart. Of course she's going to act poorly if you say things like that.

Start treating her like a princess, even if you don't think she deserves it. Take over 100% of all the duties for awhile, so she can see what "doing everything" looks like. Teach by example. It will be very hard on you, but it will probably pay off. While doing it, try to get her to "join you" in all the work you're doing that she can help with (i.e., not the yard work or the auto repairs - unless she's one of those rare women who like that stuff). I don't mean saying "hey, why aren't you helping me with this?", but rather "hey honey, want to help me with the _____?".

Do everything you can to alleviate her fears. She may have insecurities, but that's part of who you married. You can, however, do things to help eliminate those insecurities. How often are you on the computer when you're both at home? Is it work? Why would the door be shut? Maybe you can instead use a laptop and sit with her to do whatever it is you need to do on the computer. 100% of the time.

Did she gain significant weight, or is she still as "fat" as when you met her? If she looks the same, then you got what you knew was coming, do not complain. If she's gained weight, then IGNORE IT, make yourself realize (yes, realize, not imagine or dream or wish or pretend) that she is the most beautiful lady on earth, and that you're the luckiest guy on earth to have her. Change the way you look at her so that you can see her beauty, and so that she notices your appreciation.

Small problems between people tend to get bigger and bigger when neither party makes an actual effort to help the situation. Getting angry isn't trying to help, it's reactive and destructive. Usually just one person being humble and constructive can lead to the repair of any problem.

Has 'mom' only heard the wife's side of the story? Tell your mother what's actually going on. Talk to your dad as well, see what they have to say if they know the whole story. Does your mom sleep till noon every day? Does she know your wife does? Getting your mother to at least know the full situation will help in this case, I think.

[Mnemosyne 4]

I have a feeling that the root of this is: The guy has extremely high expectations on how marriage or his wife should be.

True enough, it would've been different if the wife did something nasty or has committed fraud; however, that's not the case here. There's one whiny guy saying or implying that his wife is fat and all. This guy really sounds unpleasant and it's just strange that the early posters on this thread are even encouraging him to go for divorce. There are just people who think that marriage is trial-and-error and they enjoy being their own guinea pigs.

[calico1 1]

James, take a couple hours and read some other posts about guys who really married a "true" nightmare. You may come to find your new bride is a good one and needs to adjust and grow into this new place. As far as weight, it can surely be lost. My wife is alittle over weight and I love every pound of her.

[Tahoma 2,292]

honestly, i don't even have a real desire to sleep with her. she's not some slimmed down gal and her attitude makes her mentally fatter to me, which i'm not attracted to. sorry I'm really not into fat gals.

There right there is your problem.

^^^It's just there!

Sooo...James...the question needs to be asked...why did you marry the woman if you don't enjoy crispy pata?

[fox fox 5]

P.S. LOL...Dude..your making me laugh.....remember your vows? Better or for worse...did you mean it? She's not cheating on you or doing drugs or stealing money or or or or .....she's just not meeting your walmart satisfaction guaranteed or your money back expectations......You made the commitment...man up and make it work...what a bunch of silly reasons to throw away a marriage and a woman that loves you!

first of all it's not me that needs changing. how am i supposed to deal with a woman who constantly harasses me because of her insecurity and paranoia?

It's her attitude in reply towards me, her paranoia that i'm always cheating on her, and acusations that i've got the hots for any beautiful female that passes by us.

I never said that I was checking out anyone. When I walk I pay attention to if i'm going to bump into someone or not. She sees the fact that I acknowledge the fact that there's a person who I consider to be a hazard in my path of travel. If it's a woman, she automatically thinks i'm checking her out...only if it's a woman and confronts me about it.

It's my opinion your wife is jealous...A) Love with you indicator...B) Your eye shopping...C) Dude...pssst...there aren't any other beautiful women anymore. You married the only beautiful woman on the planet.....get it?

I'm not "shopping" anymore...get it? You're only assuming that I am because I didn't give you the small detail I posted above.

She's always thinking that i'm chatting to other females online that she can't even stand it if the door to the computer room is closed.

Why in the world would you shut the door? Your trying to increase your wife's sense of jealousy?

I close the door to the computer room only to block out her music coming from the living room or when she's watching "her" tv shows so i can concentrate on what i'm doing which has nothing to do with chatting or looking at girls, etc.

because she never really cooks.

Did you ask her if she knew how to cook before you got married?

she knows how to cook. this has nothing really to do with what she cooks though. it's the fact that she doesn't and she's home all day long. she waits for me to come home to cook. sometimes she might call me at work "during my overtime hours" and ask what i want, but really it's because she's calling work to make sure i'm really there and not out with some girl. when it's lunch hour time, she never asks me what i want, only when i'm on overtime. it's her way of playing magnum PI.

she wants me to cook, but if she does it's always fried fish, rice, etc. basically i'm the one who's always cooking.

Have you considered that she digs your cooking? Have you tried sharing your recipes and cooking together?

what i cook she can cook also. sometimes i cook stuff from scratch, which i don't expect her to know how to, but she could even just fix up some spaghetti and i'd be fine with that too. no skill level really needed for that.

My house was cleaner without her and I lived alone. I do cook, I do fold laundry, I do the yard work, I perform maintenance on the vehicles and more than just oil changes, I do the home repairs, and bring home the bacon, yet I'm the one who doesn't do anything to help her out.

OK OK...stop bragging....put this in perspective....all that your doing...well...it's called being an adult.

How bout you guys do the housework together? Make it a bonding experience and perhaps she can learn how to meet your obsessive compulsive needs? That's a little on the joke side but...c'mon...work together until she is confident in her own abilities.

you're right on this.

I had a much more ballanced life and didn't have problems with stress. I get 100 times more stress from her than being at work. but now I can add that it's more time away from her.

Haven't you heard? Marriage is work..forever! Join the club.

no, this isn't the type of acceptable marriage in my book. she can't even discuss our differences without shouting. i always try to keep my cool and not raise my voice and it pisses her off that i won't fuel her fire.

I don't hit her, and she's no sex slave to me at all.

Are you expecting some kind of trophy or prize for this? Not treating her as a sex slave and resisting the urge to smack her makes you feel good about yourself? That's your quality standard?

I'm saying that I don't sexually abuse her and i'm not the type of person to hit her, not that i have the urge to.

she's not some slimmed down gal and her attitude makes her mentally fatter to me, which i'm not attracted to. sorry I'm really not into fat gals.

That's a bit sexist? hmmmmm? If you don't like her figure...then why did you marry her? Did you make a deal? I won't treat you like my sex slave and I won't smack you ..but...GOD DAMNIT!! GO ON A DIET!

she's gained so much weight in less than one year of her being here. she does know that she's getting FAT, and no, i don't feed her fatty foods often, but you should see how much she can chow down. I never saw this in the philippines with her.

two weeping filipinas shouting at me as if everything is my fault.

Hey! Your mom is yelling at you? lol Well...then stop doing whatever your doing! If mom is pissed at you too...hmmmm...I'm thinking...yep...your deserving of an #### chew...sorry...but your own mom? Stop it!

this is the same concept of someone defending someone because they are both filipina, same thing with race defending same race concept only because of race. i know my mom better than anyone on this website. also my mom hears it all from her first in clearly understood tagalog, so after this she's already more biased towards defending her.

I'm so lost with all this now and I don't know what to do, We both won't change to accomodate the other, yet i'm not the one who needs changing,

i've already stated that i'm not the one who creates all these problems. it's her insecurities, paranoia, and tamad-ness that's ruining this relationship. it wouldn't hurt if she'd lose some weight too.

Welcome to manhood....time to be a man...accept your challenge and build your marriage!

i can say that i've had longer live in relationships with other women that have never given me this type of stress. don't ask what happened to them. our breakups were not my fault. long stories short, they were whores that came out of the closet.

^^^It's just there!

Sooo...James...the question needs to be asked...why did you marry the woman if you don't enjoy crispy pata?

actually i love crispy pata. i just don't want to eat rice accompanied meals all the time.

James, take a couple hours and read some other posts about guys who really married a "true" nightmare. You may come to find your new bride is a good one and needs to adjust and grow into this new place. As far as weight, it can surely be lost. My wife is alittle over weight and I love every pound of her.

weight can be lost but what can be done with a bad attitude from her? i'm not attracted to bad attitudes and it also makes things worse that the flower smells really terrible all the time. what guy wants to smell a foul smelling flower?

[fox fox 5]

You need to put a lot more effort into this before you begin considering divorce, etc.

I am me, but i cannot deal with a person who needs psychological help with her insecurities. I don't know what her x boyfriends have done to her, but i can ask her. still i'd rather hear what the guys have to say about it all. i believe that there's always two sides to every story.

I can't help but think the fact that you're already considering ending the marriage is actually having a major negative effect on it. You can do better in how you're acting toward your wife, even if she does sound quite lazy. If she can be helped to get away from the mindset she has, lazy is fixable. If your mother is helping her act irrationally, then make sure your mother gets the whole story.

my mother is irrational to begin with. they don't need each other for influence. they're practically the same with discussion, but this is my mother. she's not supposed to be biased towards her and basically form a tag team against me.

Do you ever say anything about divorce, getting another lady, etc? If so, KNOCK IT OFF! That's like stabbing her in the heart. Of course she's going to act poorly if you say things like that.

Start treating her like a princess, even if you don't think she deserves it. Take over 100% of all the duties for awhile, so she can see what "doing everything" looks like. Teach by example. It will be very hard on you, but it will probably pay off. While doing it, try to get her to "join you" in all the work you're doing that she can help with (i.e., not the yard work or the auto repairs - unless she's one of those rare women who like that stuff). I don't mean saying "hey, why aren't you helping me with this?", but rather "hey honey, want to help me with the _____?".

I have no problem with asking to include her. my problem is that she doesn't really have initiative of self motivation.

Do everything you can to alleviate her fears. She may have insecurities, but that's part of who you married. You can, however, do things to help eliminate those insecurities. How often are you on the computer when you're both at home? Is it work? Why would the door be shut? Maybe you can instead use a laptop and sit with her to do whatever it is you need to do on the computer. 100% of the time.

I have never chatted with anyone else since meeting her. what i don't understand is why would someone marry another if they're insecure and constantly sticking with the though that i'm not trustworthy when i haven't done anything to provoke those kinds of thoughts? when i'm home and not directly with her, i'm not sneaking outside on the phone. when i'm on the computer at home, it's not work related. either i'm researching stuff or doing daily stuff like reading news or paying bills, etc. nothing that raises flags. if the door is closed it's because her music or her tv show is either overpowering my headphone audio while gaming or watching youtube stuff. i also play fps games on computer and cannot concentrate with distracting audio overpowering the game audio. other than that the door is not closed.

Did she gain significant weight, or is she still as "fat" as when you met her? how about 20 or 25 pounds? If she looks the same, then you got what you knew was coming, do not complain. If she's gained weight, then IGNORE IT, make yourself realize (yes, realize, not imagine or dream or wish or pretend) that she is the most beautiful lady on earth, and that you're the luckiest guy on earth to have her. Change the way you look at her so that you can see her beauty, and so that she notices your appreciation.

Small problems between people tend to get bigger and bigger when neither party makes an actual effort to help the situation. Getting angry isn't trying to help, it's reactive and destructive. Usually just one person being humble and constructive can lead to the repair of any problem.

i am trying to be humble about it all, but she's the one who brings up all these problems, plus her efforts at home.

Has 'mom' only heard the wife's side of the story? there's no telling my mom anything really, especially when she's heard my wife's side of the story. matigas na matigas ulo ang nanay ko. Tell your mother what's actually going on. Talk to your dad as well, see what they have to say if they know the whole story. my dad is on the road for weeks at a time and i'd rather not bother him with "MY" domestic issues when he has his own to deal with when he comes home. trust me. no need to go into further details on that. perhaps i should get a job that requires lots of driving or travel so i can have some sanity. i know why my dad enjoys his trucking job. Does your mom sleep till noon every day? what does my mom's sleeping pattern have to do with this? that's my dad's problem if it affects his life. Does she know your wife does? Getting your mother to at least know the full situation will help in this case, I think.

[fox fox 5]

I have a feeling that the root of this is: The guy has extremely high expectations on how marriage or his wife should be.

True enough, it would've been different if the wife did something nasty or has committed fraud; however, that's not the case here. There's one whiny guy saying or implying that his wife is fat and all. This guy really sounds unpleasant and it's just strange that the early posters on this thread are even encouraging him to go for divorce. There are just people who think that marriage is trial-and-error and they enjoy being their own guinea pigs.

it's not high, it's do-able. because i'm always alert of a bad situation that can come about, i act. it's who i became when i was in the military. i don't put up with pure #######, which this relationship will become because of her. i do not really care about you negatively criticizing my household situation when you really don't know anything. especially when reading what is typed never can express all that i see going on.

[Tahoma 2,292]

Sooo...James...the question needs to be asked...why did you marry the woman if you don't enjoy crispy pata?

actually i love crispy pata. i just don't want to eat rice accompanied meals all the time.

Who said anything about food?

[fox fox 5]

It's actually unbelievable that instead of finding ways to fix the marriage, this guy is already looking into getting another woman from the Philippines. He's more worried with being banned from the PH in the future and that he couldn't hook up with another girl there rather than solving the present situation.

Just earlier this year, the same guy was asking VJers how his fiancee could get her police clearance from another country.

Note: It has been ages since I last posted on VJ and I cannot remember my password. A nod to the mods and the Ewok.

i never said that i was looking into "getting another woman from the philippines". don't put false words in my mouth. i never said that i couldn't hook up with another girl here. get your facts straight and use the quote button to prove me wrong. my ultimate main concerns about going to the philippines is that 1. if i have no committed any violations to ban myself, then i shouldn't be banned from any country that the US allows it's citizens to go visit. 2. i also have relatives and school friends that i'd like to see when visiting while i'm traveling there. these are the reasons why i don't need to be banned from the philippines.

[Kevin- 13]

You're being over-defensive man. Try not to read what I'm saying as accusatory. I'm not saying you're the bad guy here, but if you actually love her, you can make more effort to help her be the woman you want her to be.

The things I suggested were partially assuming that you're doing not-much wrong (you're not totally innocent, even going by your words alone). People go headlong into divorce usually because they aren't willing to work through problems. She is not perfect, she has problems. You are not perfect, and you have problems. You're being so defensive, that it seems you feel this is a zero-fault situation on your part. However, when there are things you COULD DO to help her feel more secure and happier, but CHOOSE not to do them for any reason, then it's become a choice you've made. If you maintain this attitude that you should not have to adjust anything about yourself, then you're being incredibly selfish and are sharing in the fault of your marriage disintegrating.

You indicate that she's changed since being here. You should see if you can find out why. She's had to make massive sacrifices to be your wife in this country, and had to make huge changes to live in this culture. How many friends did she leave behind? Probably most or all of her close friends and family are now several thousand of miles away across the largest ocean on earth. Surely you can return at least a little bit of the favor. Her weight gain is a sign of stress on her part. Her oversleeping is also a negative psychological sign. Something is wrong. Try to figure out what it is, show an interest in her happiness and well-being. It could just be homesickness that is being ignored by both of you. She might just be feeling lonely! (and she might not even realize it)

I truly understand the frustration of your situation. I even know what it's like to have an irrational mother. Do you still love your wife? As stated in my signature, sometimes Love means doing things you don't feel like doing. Sometimes it even means being nice to your spouse when they don't deserve it. Do you love her enough to give up video games? I'm not suggesting doing that at this point, it's a hypothetical question to help realize what you love most. Perhaps you could "endure" whatever she's watching on TV and sit with her. EVEN IF IT'S NOT IN ENGLISH! How many hours per day are you spending on the computer doing unnecessary things? You could sacrifice some of your game/surfing time to just "be with" your wife. Her whole "attitude problem" could just be loneliness.

For Better or For Worse. Remember that part of the vow. It has very deep meaning.

Also, I can understand if the TV and/or music are too loud, I felt like EVERYTHING was too loud in the Philippines. From radios to P/A systems, it seems they have a desire to turn the volume to ELEVEN no matter what. Even if it becomes distorted to the point of near inaudibility. You could try to let her know if something is too loud, but not just so you can sit alone at your computer.

Finally, your thread title is asking whether you can be banned from the Philippines, and you also asked if she is able to prevent you from being with another Filipina. Why would you ask that if you are not thinking about that possibility? Have you ever threatened her with doing so, or even "mentioned" it in any way during a heated discussion? Again, not being accusatory, but we the readers have to go by what you write. You don't have to say "I'm looking for another Filipina now" to indicate that you're considering it. Try not to be so defensive. Some of us (me at least) are trying to help your marriage!

[Mnemosyne 4]

i do like filipina women overall in general, but feel like i married the wrong one, feeling like i cannot be happy for life with this woman.

can she put a ban on me from entering the philippines or be able to somehow keep another filipina woman from leaving the country to be my wife?

There you have it. You've been quoted. Yes, you are also concerned about picking another Filipina in the future while you can't even handle your present plight.

Guy, you just wanna be single again that's why all you see are her not-so-desirable traits. You are finding reasons why you should leave her and call the relationship off. What were you thinking when you married her anyway? That your life would be the same as when you were still alone? Apparently, it's not just your wife who has attitude problems.

I'm not a part of your household but VJ is not your household either so once you bring your household problems here, you can expect to hear something from people like me.

My house was cleaner without her and I lived alone.

Honestly and i'm being really truthful here. I was content with life before i met her, content.

I know I can be back to being content with life again without her and just move on.

[fox fox 5]

There you have it. You've been quoted. Yes, you are also concerned about picking another Filipina in the future while you can't even handle your present plight.

Guy, you just wanna be single again that's why all you see are her not-so-desirable traits. You are finding reasons why you should leave her and call the relationship off. What were you thinking when you married her anyway? That your life would be the same as when you were still alone? Apparently, it's not just your wife who has attitude problems.

I'm not a part of your household but VJ is not your household either so once you bring your household problems here, you can expect to hear something from people like me.

yes, i did type that ( can she put a ban on me from entering the philippines or be able to somehow keep another filipina woman from leaving the country to be my wife? )and it's my fault that i didn't type it showing that those were basically her words towards me. she claims that she can band me from entering the philippines and that she can keep a filipina from leaving the country to be my wife. as of now with my situation, i'm concerned with my denial of entry into the philippines, yet i cannot claim "fully" that i have no desire "AT ALL" from being with another filipina in the future. But i want to make this clear that i'm not looking and i'm not hoping to find another filipina. as far as reverting back to life before her, i was completely fine with life.

[fox fox 5]

folks, thanks for your help and comments.