Wife changes after entering us

[Aztec&Taino 144]

My wife has only been here in the United States for a year. We are going back to her country in jan or feb. She comes from a poor family but now that she is here in the united states, she is trying to live like we are rich or have alot of money when we dont. She wants to buy all these gifts for everybody back home, wants to buy all these new clothes just to go on the trip,wants to spend way more money than what we can afford right now just to try to keep up an impression. i feel like she wants her family to think that she is doing much better than she really is and now that she is in the united states that she is wealthy. has any body else experienced anything like this? what should i do, i try to sit down and talk to her but thats not working. what should i do????

I think it is a very common thing to do for people from 3rd world countries to want to show a new and improved social class when they go back to their home countries. Does she work? If she does, then you can explain to her that she is welcome to buy gifts with the money she has saved from her labor. If she does not work you need to put a spending limit on gifts and new clothes. Explain how expensive it will be to make it over there to begin with! What does she say when you explain your financial situation and how it does not match her expectations? Is she completely unreasonable or what is her argument?

[joeyjoey 1]

Sounds exactly like my wife. Ya'll need to sit down and talk, and soon. You'll have to be firm and she may get angry. But it is your money. You work to earn it, so you better protect it. You need to get her to be on the same page financially with you so that you don't end up in financial ruins. What should you do? Take away all the credit cards. Have 2 bank accounts - 1 with bill paying & need to survive money. The 2nd account has a little money where she can spend, but she cannot do much damage. Keep her on a tight "financial leash" with a Debit card to the smaller account. Don't wait until it's too late. Speaking from experience!

[RiaTan 5]

I understand the girl, she just wanna make impression to her family that she is okay.

Good way, or better way, save! For a trip not January so she can save and u can save and not let u feel so much exhausted of re burden she's giving u.

Lay all ur cards, bills, money and tell her u r in tight budget.

[Gemmie 142]

Here's my take on this:

Firstly, DR is vastly different than the UK, so I don't know if this is helpful or not. When I was dating my husband, people would actually comment on how he must be rich because he's American. Now the UK is a first world country and all of these people had money - but the stereotype is that Americans must have lots of money as they're often shown in the media with the huge house, multiple cars, kids, insurance, etc. They don't know about the longer work hours and lower living costs until you tell them about it.

Secondly, I kind of understand how she feels. I received a lot of cr@p when I decided to move to the US. My family didn't want me to leave (as they thought of it as abandonment) and when my husband and I had some personal and financial troubles, they were relieved as it proved that they were right, that I made a big mistake in coming here, and I would probably be coming home soon. So, although I hate to admit it, I did my own form of wanting to show them that my life in the US wasn't awful. I would highlight my accomplishments and downplay my problems.

That being said, my issues weren't financial. I didn't spend a lot of my husband's money and I'm now working full-time (I actually earn more money than he does) to pay for bills and leisure, and I wouldn't let this 'need to impress' affect my marriage. It's something that I hope goes away in time, because I know I shouldn't have to prove myself to my family back home. Maybe in time she'll no longer feel the need to prove anything.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Here's my take on this:

Firstly, DR is vastly different than the UK, so I don't know if this is helpful or not. When I was dating my husband, people would actually comment on how he must be rich because he's American. Now the UK is a first world country and all of these people had money - but the stereotype is that Americans must have lots of money as they're often shown in the media with the huge house, multiple cars, kids, insurance, etc. They don't know about the longer work hours and lower living costs until you tell them about it.

Secondly, I kind of understand how she feels. I received a lot of cr@p when I decided to move to the US. My family didn't want me to leave (as they thought of it as abandonment) and when my husband and I had some personal and financial troubles, they were relieved as it proved that they were right, that I made a big mistake in coming here, and I would probably be coming home soon. So, although I hate to admit it, I did my own form of wanting to show them that my life in the US wasn't awful. I would highlight my accomplishments and downplay my problems.

That being said, my issues weren't financial. I didn't spend a lot of my husband's money and I'm now working full-time (I actually earn more money than he does) to pay for bills and leisure, and I wouldn't let this 'need to impress' affect my marriage. It's something that I hope goes away in time, because I know I shouldn't have to prove myself to my family back home. Maybe in time she'll no longer feel the need to prove anything.

Completely agree that my family thought of my leaving as abandonment. They like to make jokes about how much the US sucks, and query when I'm coming back.. so I too rarely discuss my issues as real issues. I might joke about it... but usually like the above poster, I play up the good, and downplay the bad.

Though no-one ever thought American's are rich. I hear "arrogant", "ignorant" and "uneducated"... never heard "rich"

Edited November 15, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[TBoneTX 45,955]

I rarely parrot other posters with little more than a "si, man," but I wish to re-emphasize the value (multiple senses of the word) of shopping at the dollar stores and especially the resale stores.

On our trips to Ecuador, Mrs. T-B. has brought cosmetics that she'd purchased at Dollar Tree. Her family & friends loved them, si man.

Mrs. T-B. has also brought clothing (of outstanding quality) from Goodwill & other resale stores. We washed the items first. Everyone loved the reality that the garments came from the USA. (It's also true that some items in the resale shops still have original store tags on them, si man.)

Because bath-linens are puny & expensive in Ecuador, Mrs. T-B.'s parents & sisters were always short of GOOD bath-towels. We brought down some of ours and some that we'd found at Goodwill (in REALLY good shape -- almost new). Everyone was thrilled, si man.

It sounds as though there's some insecurity on your wife's part, and some expectations on the part of her family & friends. Take your wife to the Dollar Tree and to several resale shops. Have her purchase a nice item or two for everyone, to give to them with a "look at what I brought for you from the Estados Unidos!" without any other kind of a big deal made about anything, no man. I'll bet that her family & friends will happily brag to everyone else about what they got from the Estados Unidos, si man!

Edited November 15, 2010 by TBoneTX

[Rob and Jill 82]

They don't know about the longer work hours and lower living costs until you tell them about it.

And the craptastic amount of holiday time we receive compared to what Brits receive!!!!

[kennym 275]

My wife has only been here in the United States for a year. We are going back to her country in jan or feb. She comes from a poor family but now that she is here in the united states, she is trying to live like we are rich or have alot of money when we dont. She wants to buy all these gifts for everybody back home, wants to buy all these new clothes just to go on the trip,wants to spend way more money than what we can afford right now just to try to keep up an impression. i feel like she wants her family to think that she is doing much better than she really is and now that she is in the united states that she is wealthy. has any body else experienced anything like this? what should i do, i try to sit down and talk to her but thats not working. what should i do????

These questions are soo dificult for anyone to answer because, in your short paragraph, there is no way to know the dynamics of your relationship...

There are soo many factors involved, For example, age, your history, did you shower her with expensive gifts giving her the false impression of having money? have you talked to her and been completely frank with her about your financial status? have you simply let her spend the money given her a false sense of your finances? what is her maturity level? what happens when you try to talk about your finances? If she feels that you have money, then why? are you afraid to be honest with her about your finances because you're afraid she'll leave? I could go on and on.. But I would advise anyone with a fiancee or girlfriend planning a life with anyone to discuss these things ahead of time with complete honesty without fear of the consequences to your relationship.. It's a crucial part of any relationship and one of the single things that can make or break any couple. If you dont have a mutual understanding about this matter going in, your chances of you relationship succeeding are much lower than if you have a clear understanding early in the relationship.

we cant help you with the information you gave.. We can say; You need to be honest with each other about expectations.. If those expectations are diferent and cant come to an agreement about it, you relationship is in trouble..

So, if she expects expensive gifts without consideration of your finances, and you expect to manage money, and save cash for necesities and the future, then those things are quite diferent and there won't be any peace in your relationship. But if she simply has a false impresion of your finances, then you should sit her down and show her your expenses, and income and let her help you manage the money to make ends meet and then help budget for her shopping sprees. This will help her understand where the money is comming from and where it's going...

If you've done all you can to share your finances with and your limitations, and she won't do anything to help the matter, then you need to have a hard discussion with her about her options.

[rlogan 2,036]

Agree with others saying honest communication is a key here. You said sitting down and talking wasn't working, so this is a big problem - her refusal to talk it over.

Playing "rich" never works. Once that fraud begins, maintaining the image becomes even more urgent than the initial deception and you will be driven into insolvency, which is impossible to hide.

Immaturity, insecurity, selfishness - the girl has issues.

[The Clown 1]

My fiancee family is also very poor I can only afford to go and see them once a year and what I do is go to the Goodwill buy $1.50 a peace brand new clothes and send it in a box ! the box is only $60.00 to sent door to door. I can undrestand how she feels specially going for the first time after she left she wants to give everyone a little something PLUS everybody expect something also there ! she also should be buying little by little like I do and WORK for what she needs !!!