Question about language

[Jinhouzi 0]

I'm asking this question for people that are married to someone from another country other then an english speaking country. If your wife or husband is from Germany or France and has made friends from the same area that she or he happens be from.

If all three of you go out for lunch or something like that, do they speak in their language, or speak in english to help you be part of the conversation?

I grew up next to the mexican border and had many spanish speaking friends and knew couples that were of mixed race. They always spoke english but the only time they ever talked in spanish is when they don't want the english speaker to hear something.

My story is: my wife hasn't been in the country that long, just over a year now. Her english is improving but doesn't try very hard. She always complains that she wants to improve and study more but all she has made here are friends from her country. Most of them have been here for more then 20 years and their english is perfect. When we get together I end up feeling like the third wheel because I can't understand anything and can't add to the conversation. I've explained to her that she could speak english to help improve and it would help me because I can be part of the conversation rather then me just sitting there looking bored.

I know I can work on learning her language, and I have. I've been working on learning new words and phrases each week and will try to speak or say something, but she doesn't correct me or even give an answer other then in english, she acts like she doesn't even want me to learn her language.

I just want to hear your 2 cents worth.

Thanks

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

I am originally from Switzerland and my native language is Swiss German. I made friends with the lady who runs the local bakery, she is German married to an ex-US Army guy. We speak English unless we are alone, and even then it's a mixture of both languages, as we so rarely speak German, English is almost easier for us now!

I only speak Swiss German when my mom visits. Her English is good/ fluent for basic stuff, but if I want to explain something to her, German is quicker. We make an effort to speak English in front of my husband, who only speaks a little German, but we do lapse, especially when reminiscing about my childhood or when in a hurry/ stressed.

[Mr. K 8]

Many times in my fiancee's country when I am with her and her family, they will speak in their native language if they are not talking to me. At one time I used to think at times they didn't want me to understand what they were talking about, but I know that it is usually because they are naturally more comfortable with and can express themselves better in their own language.

Listen to them sometimes: When non-English native speakers speak in their language, from time to time they will toss in an English word. That's because words are not necessarily always translatable to other languages.

I do think your wife should be more mindful of the way you feel and the need for you to be a part of the conversation, and should try to help you learn her language and put more effort into learning English. Yet she is not necessarily trying to hide anything from you by speaking in her language; it's just her comfort zone.

Edited October 31, 2010 by Mr. K

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

Many of "us" are guilty of this, myself included, but it is just inpolite to converse in any other language if somebody who doesn't understand it, is around. As your wife is concerned, one learns swimming easier when in the water. She needs to actively work on her English. I have told people that I want to correct me if I made a mistake, as that's the only way for me to even recognize it. It works!

[sorchaine 10]

Listen to them sometimes: When non-English native speakers speak in their language, from time to time they will toss in an English word. That's because words are not necessarily always translatable to other languages.

I have noticed this. When my husband is speaking Portuguese I'll hear him say an English word and he doesn't even realize he does it. Same when speaking English, he'll say a word in Portuguese by accident, though that one he has to catch cause I never notice that. It was more noticeable when I was with him in Brazil. His mother speaks a little English, but they always spoke in Portuguese as none of his family really speaks English (just him). And I know almost no Portuguese at all, so I would hear him speaking in Portuguese every place we went or with anyone he spoke to and it was easy for me to hear the English words come out from time to time. Now the only time he's speaking Portuguese is when he talks to his family over Skype.

[Operator 1,927]

I'm asking this question for people that are married to someone from another country other then an english speaking country. If your wife or husband is from Germany or France and has made friends from the same area that she or he happens be from.

If all three of you go out for lunch or something like that, do they speak in their language, or speak in english to help you be part of the conversation?

I grew up next to the mexican border and had many spanish speaking friends and knew couples that were of mixed race. They always spoke english but the only time they ever talked in spanish is when they don't want the english speaker to hear something.

My story is: my wife hasn't been in the country that long, just over a year now. Her english is improving but doesn't try very hard. She always complains that she wants to improve and study more but all she has made here are friends from her country. Most of them have been here for more then 20 years and their english is perfect. When we get together I end up feeling like the third wheel because I can't understand anything and can't add to the conversation. I've explained to her that she could speak english to help improve and it would help me because I can be part of the conversation rather then me just sitting there looking bored.

I know I can work on learning her language, and I have. I've been working on learning new words and phrases each week and will try to speak or say something, but she doesn't correct me or even give an answer other then in english, she acts like she doesn't even want me to learn her language.

I just want to hear your 2 cents worth.

Thanks

Well we aren't married yet but have been together for a couple of years. i'm fortunate in that her english is excellent but a lot of her friends in China don't, or won't speak english and my Chinese is limited. When in China she always makes sure that I am followinig the conversation. I continue with the lessons and am getting a little better but as you know its a tough nut to crack. I live in the south and when she's here she has difficulty with the strong accents but is never affraid to ask somone repeat themselves. Normally people will start to speak slower once they realize she's not a native speaker.

I do know that when she's here for an extended time I think she misses speaking chinese on a daily basis so when we go to the chinese market we end up spending most of the day while she chats with the people that work there.

Have you told her how you feel? I would think that she would be motivated to teach you so she would have someone to speak chinese with. Good luck.

[cartaverde 12]

I have rarely met people who speak any of "my" languages here in US.

If I do, the choice depends on the other people present. If there are people that speak just English, it's simply rude to switch to another language.

Occasionally when I meet my sister I switch to the local with her. Her English isn't fluent (yet) to catch everything - but even in that case, I try to do that only when she looks like she didn't understand something (or if it's supposed to be something where the others are intentionally kept out).

It's always fun when people switch to another language when they want to talk about something that the others don't understand, and when you still understand what they are talking about. It's happened to me a bunch of times to see e.g. some Germans talk and wonder something among themselves, but if I knew what they are looking for or wondering, I simply answer them in English (or other common language). Yes, officially I don't know any German but sometimes it's not too far from the very elementary Swedish I learned in school. It so often amuses me when they know I don't speak some language but I still do know what they are talking about to just see the surprise in the face. Sometimes you can't know from the way the people look what languages they speak or understand too - my husband is a white American but he can understand enough Chinese to get by...

[chinese_mutt 11]

my parents would do this when my husband visited me in the Philippines before I got my visa. It wasn't because they wanted to exclude him... but they just felt funny speaking English all the time. I bet when they do come to visit me, they'd still be doing the same thing just because it is more comfy for them. They are not even concious that it was impolite. By the way, they are excellent English speaker when they have to.

[Mnemosyne 4]

You can simply tell your wife about that. There are really some things that are best discussed using one's native language, not to mention humorous stories that may not have something to do with you.