Can you really adjust?

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

People are not all equal, in so many ways.

For me, where I live is way up on top of my list of priorities. I chose where I wanted to live first before looking for a spouse. Other people adapt more easily, see moving to a different place as an adventure.

My wife and I always watch "House Hunters International" on TV. It shows people from one country -- not always the US of A -- moving to another country. People from the US moving to Australia, Brits to Morocco, Italians to a tropical Island. A week ago there was this couple from Oklahoma, he in the US airforce, she a 1st grade teacher. They were send to Okinawa for a couple of years and house hunting. The taxpayers allowed for a $58K annual budget, so off they went. He was looking to lease a traditional Okinawian house, she wanted the American kitchen. A months later their furniture from Oklahoma arrived, so she had her US home in Japan.

She didn't speak a word of Japanese, learned "aligato" after a months, however, didn't like the Japanese fish markets and their way of life and driving on the wrong side of the road and everything. He embraced the opportunity to experience something now. Another week there was a Australian couple moving to the Seychelles. They wanted a traditional home from that culture. An American family with 2 children was moving to Morocco, house hunting. Living in Marrakesh is sure different from a typical Western city.

If you have a spouse from a foreign country and a foreign culture who hates the American Way of Life, you have a problem. Some people are able to adjust eventually, but for them "home" is alway where they come from and grew up. For me "home" is where I live now, since 1992 actually, and I haven't been back in my old country since April of 1994 as I can't think of anything I'm missing by not visiting.

It's like you need a 4 x 4, but ordered a sports car because you liked its looks and "thought" it would be alright for where you live, as it doesn't snow that often and the mud isn't that deep and it would be so lovely to use it in the summer. MISTAKE! Odds are that you bought the wrong car, or you put your money on the wrong spouse.

[R&W 5]

I'm a Filipina and same thing, for two years I thought every thing was better in the Philippines. UNTIL I go back.... and it's not. Everything turned around just like that. (please don't misunderstood..I do love Philippines until now.. in a different way)

I have a Chinese co-worker and we're laughing at the same topic yesterday lunch on how noisy it is in our birth country. Thousands of people in the mall ALL the time.

I agree to what everyone said, even the sarcastic one.

But here's my list on how to help your wife:

1. Find an authentic Chinese "cafeteria". For some reason Chinese restaurants are somehow Americanized. The authentic ones are usually the whole-on-the-wall kind of places.

2. Let her drive by herself. Alone shopping. Shopping is every woman's best bud.

3. Let her go party with her Chinese speaking friends. She'll go home tired of it and she won't like it for a while.

4. Find a good burger place that she'll start liking. Tell you, I swore I will NEVER like burger. UNTIL... I had Red Robbins burger. Then I started loving Mooyah. I now crave for burgers once in a while.

5. Go with her at Asian store

Okay I will stop from there. You're a smarty-pants guy so I bet you know what you're doing. Love, be patient and support your wife. In return, she will respect you from the bottom of her being.

[Szilvia74 3]

She is obviously not happy here in the US. If she really would like to go back to China perhaps the best thing to do is let her do it. She should go back for a month and see how she feels. Does she want to stay or come back?

I have a hard time adjusting too even after being here for 6 years now. More than anything it is the way of life and cultural differences. (Yes home is where the heart is.) You need to find a common future. If she decides to go back would you follow her?

[Tuanv 2]

Let me the first person to ask this question: is she from rich family? If so, she is probably not use to a living a life of a commoner. In china, she probably live like a queen. Think about it. When she was in China, she was probably at the center of attention. Here she is just another Chinese girl. Chinese women think they are extremely valuable; as the result, they are demanding. After all, This is a shortage of females in China.

This is all based on personal opinion. In no way that I am suggesting that your wife is demanding or full of herself. In any case, best of luck on your marriage.

[Tuanv 2]

Let me the first person to ask this question: is she from a rich family? If so, she is probably not use to a living a life of a commoner. In china, she probably live like a queen. When she was in China, she was probably at the center of attention. Here she is just another Chinese girl. Chinese women think they are extremely valuable; as the result, they are demanding. After all, There is a shortage of females

in China.

This is all based on personal opinion. In no way that I am suggesting that your wife is demanding or full of herself. In any case, best of luck on your marriage.

[luckytxn 2,265]

I hate to hear about the long time home sickness and I am sure it is tough for her here but after the long time here and it still to be this bad then it seems to be a problem somewhere else. Maybe she is struggling and is not used to it. She is going to school and school is hard for anyone let alone a foreigner. Maybe she has seen bigotry and can't cope with it.

I never thought my wife at first would come around like she has. My heart broke for her and even though I didn't want to I was willing to ley her go and be where she was happy to live and that was Vietnam. Soon though she started to come around when she started school and making friends and getting her license and a car to drive. She discovered malls and stores. It is I am sure easier on her here then many that come as there is a big Vietnamese presence and a store where she can get all the foods and cook like she is used to. Her and friends trade DVD's of Vietnamese programs, movies and most anything where she watches and listens to all her fave music. She is now well adjusted and couldn't ever see her going back home for good except to visit and even she is saying she wants to see other parts of the world now and not go back.

[yorkshirerose22 4]

Hi everyone,

Im so glad i found this topic, I moved here from england on a fiance visa, i got married in april last year, its coming up to a year iv been here and im still not settled in.

Im really finding it hard to come to terms how things are different, I hate the way the medical system works,i hate not being able to see a doctor cause of money. Back home they have NHS so u have medical care no matter what, even when you are unemployed. I really want to start a family but we carnt cause of money and its really starting to get me down.

I had quailfication back home in Beauty therapy, now im here i dont have anything , i have to go back to school to reduo it all, but of course again it cost money.

I managed to get seasonal work just recently but that ended after x mas and it was a very bad experience, now im back applying for jobs but getting no replys, my husbands only working part time temporary.

I do get home sick very often and sometimes i wish my husband had moved to england instead,i miss my family and i miss the english food too lol often get cravings for some fish and chips.

I guess some ppl settle in easier than others, guess im a little scared of the american life lol, I came from a small town in yorkshire, england, im now in a city in california, and im still alittle scared to go anywhere alone after being here nearly a year :S i do feel kinda stupid lol, i dont have any friends and i can not drive, which sucks.

I really hope things get better.

[yorkshirerose22 4]

I think this is really good advice. Just because I'm British doesn't mean I don't get homesick. I had a hard time adjusting because I couldn't get my own life in the US for a long, long time. So it felt like I was in limbo. Is your wife working or studying? Does she have any friends yet? Does she drive? If not, these are all things that will make the adjustment harder, and I've learned that from myself and others on the forum.

When I feel homesick, I do feel frustrated at the US differences and need to have a moan about them to my husband, but it wears off pretty quickly. Sometimes it helps to put a British DVD on, have some English tea and food, and talk on the phone to a friend back home. Maybe this will help he feel more relaxed?

Hi, i really can relate to this, im from england and i moved here last year in april, I do regularly talk to my family back home, sometimes we have english food but its so expensive to buy here, i do feel that not working and having no friends and not being able to drive is making it harder and i do feel in limbo. I spend most days in the house

I keep appling for work but i feel i dont have many option, i did have beauty qualification back in england but now im here in america i dont and iv been told i have to go back to college to redo it but that cost money, money we dont have.

I makes me frustrated and i really dont like feeling like this.

[MalaysianGirl 26]

Wanted to add ...bravo Yamashitariki...excellent comment " You have to note that everything said is on a superficial level. Deep down, she probably has a hard time finding something familiar to relate to" ... a very valuable piece of word.

:thumbs:

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

Im really finding it hard to come to terms how things are different, I hate the way the medical system works,i hate not being able to see a doctor cause of money. Back home they have NHS so u have medical care no matter what, even when you are unemployed. I really want to start a family but we carnt cause of money and its really starting to get me down.

Okay, that I understand, and I have to agree 100%. If Americans just knew how severely they get f*cked up the Yin Yang here, they would all visit their elected officials who in truth are all working for the corporations who financed their elections and tell 'em to go to heaven or else.

The problem is, a large portion of the American elective has moved beyond the stage of ignorant to a stage where they can't even conceive anymore how ignorant they really are. The solution would be for them to experience a "government run" health care system that works, but that's pure science fiction for now.

I do get home sick very often and sometimes i wish my husband had moved to england instead,i miss my family and i miss the english food too lol often get cravings for some fish and chips.

Well, you're fresh off the boat, so it is totally normal that you'll need some time to adjust. Even I, enthusiastic as I was right from the start, had some low points in the beginning when getting settled and questioned my move. But you live in Rancho Cucamonga now (?) and that's pure California desert. Are you really missing the 300 days of rain in England or can you relax enough to enjoy the 83 degrees F and the blue skies you had today? The whole world outside of Southern California is getting green with envy when they shovel snow!

Here are some suggestions:

Drive to Palm Springs, walk down Indian Canyon and take the tram up to the hilltop and it'll feel like you are in the Alps. Another weekend drive to Idyllwild. I have a friend there, Andrew, a Brit who teaches at the college there, and find it like an oasis from civilization. Drive to Big Bear Lake. All of these trips are just a jump away.

One day, when you have a bit more time, visit Santa Barbara and perhaps Solvang. Another time San Louis Obispo. Southern California is so beautiful, it will take your breath away! Drive Pacific Coast Highway up north. Visit Hearst Castle, then eat fish' n chips in San Francisco. Visit the Redwoods in NoCal and prepare to be amazed!

And, yes, it will get better. Much better!

Edited January 19, 2011 by Just Bob

[yorkshirerose22 4]

Thank you for the advice, it warms me to read this topic, knowing im not the only one who feels like i do. I never regret getting married that is the best thing ever, the only reason i moved here was to be with my love .Guess when you are going through the process of getting here u dont really think about how u may feel once your here away from family and everything your used too.

As for the weather lol im not used to this heat haha, sometimes im glad for the cool days and sometimes rain too, then i dont have to water the grass lol something iv never had to worry about doing before lol.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Im so glad i found this topic, I moved here from england on a fiance visa, i got married in april last year, its coming up to a year iv been here and im still not settled in.

Im really finding it hard to come to terms how things are different, I hate the way the medical system works,i hate not being able to see a doctor cause of money. Back home they have NHS so u have medical care no matter what, even when you are unemployed. I really want to start a family but we carnt cause of money and its really starting to get me down.

I had quailfication back home in Beauty therapy, now im here i dont have anything , i have to go back to school to reduo it all, but of course again it cost money.

I managed to get seasonal work just recently but that ended after x mas and it was a very bad experience, now im back applying for jobs but getting no replys, my husbands only working part time temporary.

I do get home sick very often and sometimes i wish my husband had moved to england instead,i miss my family and i miss the english food too lol often get cravings for some fish and chips.

I guess some ppl settle in easier than others, guess im a little scared of the american life lol, I came from a small town in yorkshire, england, im now in a city in california, and im still alittle scared to go anywhere alone after being here nearly a year :S i do feel kinda stupid lol, i dont have any friends and i can not drive, which sucks.

I really hope things get better.

Hi, i really can relate to this, im from england and i moved here last year in april, I do regularly talk to my family back home, sometimes we have english food but its so expensive to buy here, i do feel that not working and having no friends and not being able to drive is making it harder and i do feel in limbo. I spend most days in the house

I keep appling for work but i feel i dont have many option, i did have beauty qualification back in england but now im here in america i dont and iv been told i have to go back to college to redo it but that cost money, money we dont have.

I makes me frustrated and i really dont like feeling like this.

I've been here since Sept 2009 and went home for 2 months due to family illness from Sept - Nov 2010. While I was stressed at home dealing with the family stuff, I felt... useful again. I looked forward to coming back to the US to be with Tony but I still enjoyed going to the supermarket and seeing food and brands I remember. I wish I could fully explain the feeling of being "home" after being in the US for a year before I went back. I didn't miss the US. I (and this will seem mean) didn't really miss Tony. I don't know if that was because I was going back and I knew it, or if being around mum, my brother and my sister and her hubby from time-to-time just filled my thoughts... but I will admit getting back to the US meant my head was less stressed.

Your situation though is very similar to mine at the start. We were living in Houston (scary scary) and I came from a small-ish country town. I basically sat around the house all day. I cooked, I cleaned, I watched so much TV I eventually cycled through series and ended up watching re-runs. Occasionally Tony's friends would pop by so there were other people around but mostly it was quite a solitary existence (especially as for the first 2 months Tony was finishing full-time school AND working full-time).

I had a bad day earlier this week, a "missing home day". It was triggered by a few things but the overall tone was American arrogance annoys me. Arrogance in general bothers me but something about me being stupid because I'm not American annoys me. Tony's grandmother tried to tell me that bread doesn't go "off" quicker in the fridge (as opposed to on the bench). When I assured her it does (really it does, because the fridge dehydrates things it goes stale) she told me "I'm 65 years old and have lived in the United States my entire life, I KNOW bread doesn't go stale quicker in the fridge". I didn't really say anything in reply but I was thinking what being American had to do with altering the laws of chemistry and science. Special laws here?

I miss home occasionally but mostly I just miss the people and YES I think about fish and chips! God I would love a good piece of flake with some tomato sauce and chips with chicken salt It honestly does get better the more you're able to do.

I wish I had advice about the friends and job. I'm hoping that getting a job will help with the friends thing. Tony and I don't go to bars so a job is pretty much my only chance to make friends myself. Not having your own friends is one of the hardest parts I think. I like doing stuff with Tony of course but I like the idea of going to see a girlfriend for a hot chocolate (I don't drink coffee) to gossip, or see a chicky movie without guilt that I'm dragging my husband to something he won't like The job, ugh money. We're fine financially but I miss having my own money to spend however and whenever I want. I want TiVo for instance (or another DVR if my cable service doesn't support it) and more cable channels but I don't NEED it so asking Tony just seems mean... mostly because I know he would if I just asked.. but it's my "reward" for getting a job so I'm going to wait, something to look forward to.

Little goals I think help. Having a puppy helps my loneliness while Tony's at work and she's just adorable We painted the living room (I'm not 100% sure about the colour 'cause the trim is wood and it needs a new stain, I hate this stain colour :S) and now I'm on "kitchen colour" choices. Just yesterday I was thinking about Zumba as something fun to do. For a while there I was studying the driving manual (road rules are very different than Oz and the test asks about stuff it wouldn't in Aus) and now I have a permit so I just need to do the driving part. I didn't do both at the same time because I needed the permit for insurance reasons and the truck was new (for me), manual (I drive manual but changing gears with my right hand is weird ) and I needed to practice parallel parking from the different side of car and different side of road. I've also made friends with some of the girls on VJ so I have people to talk to on MSN or FB and even though we haven't met in person yet, having new friends since immigration makes me feel less... pathetic.

Anyway you're definitely not alone in your feelings. At least on VJ you have other immigrants who realise it's hard and have been there too. Sometimes it seems like friends and family don't really "get it".

Edited January 19, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[yorkshirerose22 4]

I've been here since Sept 2009 and went home for 2 months due to family illness from Sept - Nov 2010. While I was stressed at home dealing with the family stuff, I felt... useful again. I looked forward to coming back to the US to be with Tony but I still enjoyed going to the supermarket and seeing food and brands I remember. I wish I could fully explain the feeling of being "home" after being in the US for a year before I went back. I didn't miss the US. I (and this will seem mean) didn't really miss Tony. I don't know if that was because I was going back and I knew it, or if being around mum, my brother and my sister and her hubby from time-to-time just filled my thoughts... but I will admit getting back to the US meant my head was less stressed.

Your situation though is very similar to mine at the start. We were living in Houston (scary scary) and I came from a small-ish country town. I basically sat around the house all day. I cooked, I cleaned, I watched so much TV I eventually cycled through series and ended up watching re-runs. Occasionally Tony's friends would pop by so there were other people around but mostly it was quite a solitary existence (especially as for the first 2 months Tony was finishing full-time school AND working full-time).

I had a bad day earlier this week, a "missing home day". It was triggered by a few things but the overall tone was American arrogance annoys me. Arrogance in general bothers me but something about me being stupid because I'm not American annoys me. Tony's grandmother tried to tell me that bread doesn't go "off" quicker in the fridge (as opposed to on the bench). When I assured her it does (really it does, because the fridge dehydrates things it goes stale) she told me "I'm 65 years old and have lived in the United States my entire life, I KNOW bread doesn't go stale quicker in the fridge". I didn't really say anything in reply but I was thinking what being American had to do with altering the laws of chemistry and science. Special laws here?

I miss home occasionally but mostly I just miss the people and YES I think about fish and chips! God I would love a good piece of flake with some tomato sauce and chips with chicken salt It honestly does get better the more you're able to do.

I wish I had advice about the friends and job. I'm hoping that getting a job will help with the friends thing. Tony and I don't go to bars so a job is pretty much my only chance to make friends myself. Not having your own friends is one of the hardest parts I think. I like doing stuff with Tony of course but I like the idea of going to see a girlfriend for a hot chocolate (I don't drink coffee) to gossip, or see a chicky movie without guilt that I'm dragging my husband to something he won't like The job, ugh money. We're fine financially but I miss having my own money to spend however and whenever I want. I want TiVo for instance (or another DVR if my cable service doesn't support it) and more cable channels but I don't NEED it so asking Tony just seems mean... mostly because I know he would if I just asked.. but it's my "reward" for getting a job so I'm going to wait, something to look forward to.

Little goals I think help. Having a puppy helps my loneliness while Tony's at work and she's just adorable We painted the living room (I'm not 100% sure about the colour 'cause the trim is wood and it needs a new stain, I hate this stain colour :S) and now I'm on "kitchen colour" choices. Just yesterday I was thinking about Zumba as something fun to do. For a while there I was studying the driving manual (road rules are very different than Oz and the test asks about stuff it wouldn't in Aus) and now I have a permit so I just need to do the driving part. I didn't do both at the same time because I needed the permit for insurance reasons and the truck was new (for me), manual (I drive manual but changing gears with my right hand is weird ) and I needed to practice parallel parking from the different side of car and different side of road. I've also made friends with some of the girls on VJ so I have people to talk to on MSN or FB and even though we haven't met in person yet, having new friends since immigration makes me feel less... pathetic.

Anyway you're definitely not alone in your feelings. At least on VJ you have other immigrants who realise it's hard and have been there too. Sometimes it seems like friends and family don't really "get it".

Hi, when i read this it just sounds like me lol, the only place i really get to go is to the gym and that is with my husband, we go when he finishes work. We sometimes go on walks up the mountain etc.

I do clean sometimes but cause we both living in my husbands fathers house, he beats me too it lol and the house very rarly looks like it needs it, Me being at home came in usefull for a while, as i was takeing care of my father in- law because he had surgery, i started to cook for every one cause before my father inlaw did all cooking or got take out which isnt good, but now its pretty much back like it was and i dont really get change to cook and i really enjoyed doing it and learning new things.

I really want to decorate our bedroom, its the same horried colour since my husband was a kid lol,its cold and boring and doesnt feel like our room, i want to modern it up but again tight on money is stoping us getting the paint. infact i want todo the whole house haha.

I really want to learn to drive, iv been trying to learn since i was 17, I had a pervisional back home and i had a few lessons while i was in college but again money got in the way. I have read some of the driving manual and keeping wanting to driving around our street but never get round to it.

I really really want a pet lol, my husband has 2 cockateils but they dont like me lol and they scream al the time, i love animals u can play with and cuddle and the birds just dont like that lol they just not the same as having a cat or dog that greets u etc. I had cats, a dog and rabbits back home and i had 3 horses when i was growing up, and i would love to have a cat but im not allowed plus my husband allergic. I really want to get back in to the horse world again, i miss that alot, but again its money .

I try to do alittle abit of scrapbooking, but that turns out expensive after u buy all the product u need, but i really enjoy it, i used to draw but havent done it for years, i keep trying to get back in to it.

The only people i really talk to on msn and Facebook is my family, i have ppl i new from school and ppl i worked with in the past but i wouldnt say i really had real friends, so i am hoping i will have some luck and find some here, but so far i havent with being so isolated.

It is great knowing VJ have people in the same situation and how each of us can relate,and you are right i dont think family do get it, and they wont unless they have been in the situation, i keep being told "you chose to move to America" blah blah lol, but i say "I chose my husband" and made a sacafice to leave my home, but of course it still doesnt stop u from missing it.

[Gemmie 142]

Read my posts from a couple of months back and I'm a different person.

I was so depressed here that I was planning on going back to the UK. It had been a year and a half, I was living with my in-laws, I still didn't have a job or a car, or friends of my own, or anything really. It just seemed like life was getting worse for me here, and I was willing to face the "we told you so" from my family back home for the sake of my happiness.

Well suddenly everything changed, I got job interviews and then three offers within a week, and it all happened so quickly after that. I scheduled my driving test (which I had been practicing for a good six months but didn't have the courage to take the test), failed it, took it again three days later, passed the test and got my license, and was starting my new job the next week. Then it all became a blur of working and buying stuff for our new apartment. I earn more money than my husband now which makes me feel less guilty about spending money on flights or dinners out, etc.

We finally move out next week.. after 19 months!!

Life as an immigrant is difficult. I wouldn't say I've made "friends" yet. I'm 23 years old, and I went on a night out with my coworkers when I started this job in order to make friends and the younger ones were pretty rude to me, asking about my marriage and making snide comments which really upset me at the time, especially because some of them involved my having moved over here. I figure the friends will come in time.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

I cooked, I cleaned, I watched so much TV I eventually cycled through series and ended up watching re-runs.

Once you have TiVO and Netflix, that will be a problem of the past!

. . . . she told me "I'm 65 years old and have lived in the United States my entire life, I KNOW bread doesn't go stale quicker in the fridge". I didn't really say anything in reply but I was thinking what being American had to do with altering the laws of chemistry and science. Special laws here?

Another indication that you haven't fully adjusted here: first of all, US is #1! You really need to accept this if you want to blend in. More importantly, however, is that you assume British bread is equal to American bread. It's not. First of, American bread is #1, but you learned that already, didn't ya? Secondly, British bread is made from natural ingredients, whereas American bread is pure chemistry, which is why it lasts virtually forever. In fact, and I'm not joking here, they put a McDonald's Hamburger out on some kitchen counter, and after 100 days it was still good. What does that tell you? Exactly, American Hamburgers are #1!