Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses

[Gilles 4]

Please notice that she's giving you a threatening ultimatum. Here are some of your few options remaining.

1. Give her control over all the finances for awhile. I suspect one of two things would result: she'll realize how hard it is to make ends meet, or she'll continue making horrible decisions that result in all the utilities getting turned off or even eviction (is it a rental or a mortgage?). This method carries a huge risk, but a predictable outcome. If you love her enough, you could consider it worth the risk. I think either way she will get to where she realizes how irresponsible her choices and desires are. Although it's slightly possible she would let it all fall apart and still blame you for not giving up your "secret stash". If you do this, stock up on candles first.

2. Counter her threatening ultimatum with your own. Go directly to the big D. She won't be able to survive on her own, a true threat of this could shake her up enough. But, I don't think this is the best plan as it just perpetuates the hostility.

3. (best option!) My previous suggestions which would appeal to her conscience.

4. Continue "negotiating", if you can call it that. The hostility involved in these negotiations, even if it is as one sided as it sounds, mean they aren't really negotiations. They're full-fledged combat in disguise. Even if you manage to negotiate your way through this problem and she has herself a better job and buys the parents a house, the marriage itself will still be on life-support. Fix the other problems in the relationship, and negotiations won't need to happen.

Her mind seems to be in a fantasy land where she's living a rich life and can easily buy her parents a nice house. I want to buy my parents a nice house, too, and I'm American. But I'm sure not going to buy them a nice house at the expense of my own financial stability.

There's also a very strong element of impatience in her actions. She's not willing to patiently work toward the goal of helping her parents get a house (etc), she feels an immediate imperative.

If you take route #3 and help her become less defensive, you may be able to get to the root of why she feels this overwhelming obligation to "make her parents rich immediately". Perhaps then you can help her realize that there's no urgency for it.

Talk softly at all times, be calm at all times.

Update. She has started school. She told me she needed money for the tuition and I said she should use the excess from her paychecks. So she paid her tuition herself. Then she wanted some small amounts ($50-$100) for school expenses - and I told her if she would have to open up her expense/income summary for me to review, then I would pay for it. She refused to open up her expense/income summary for me to review. This happened a second time for a higher dollar amount and she again refused to show me her income/expense summary.

I've thought about going to her family, as one line of thought has her family smacking her for being so greedy - especially if I say that she's going to get less and less money if she keeps up this kind of behavior. On the other hand, her family might hate me beyond belief if I do something like that.

Just as was the case with groceries - which I have refused to pay for - she's going to have to pay her share of things like phone, internet, electric, etc. If she doesn't, then these things will get shut off. I've been too much of a softie for too long and she's come to accept it. Just how tough do I have to be for her to realize I'm serious?

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Update. She has started school. She told me she needed money for the tuition and I said she should use the excess from her paychecks. So she paid her tuition herself. Then she wanted some small amounts ($50-$100) for school expenses - and I told her if she would have to open up her expense/income summary for me to review, then I would pay for it. She refused to open up her expense/income summary for me to review. This happened a second time for a higher dollar amount and she again refused to show me her income/expense summary.

I've thought about going to her family, as one line of thought has her family smacking her for being so greedy - especially if I say that she's going to get less and less money if she keeps up this kind of behavior. On the other hand, her family might hate me beyond belief if I do something like that.

Just as was the case with groceries - which I have refused to pay for - she's going to have to pay her share of things like phone, internet, electric, etc. If she doesn't, then these things will get shut off. I've been too much of a softie for too long and she's come to accept it. Just how tough do I have to be for her to realize I'm serious?

You sound like two college roomies fighting over whose turn it is to buy the pizza. (or) Like a father dealing with a hard headed teen.

Here's an idea for you....treat your wife like a wife. Give her shared control of all your finances. Empower her instead of trying to control/ dominate her. (if) You can't trust her enough to turn loose or share the reigns...then what the hell were you thinking when you said..."l Do"...?

Seriously...the more you post the more you show the control freak in you!

Ridiculous!!!

[piglett 16]

You sound like two college roomies fighting over whose turn it is to buy the pizza. (or) Like a father dealing with a hard headed teen.

Here's an idea for you....treat your wife like a wife. Give her shared control of all your finances. Empower her instead of trying to control/ dominate her. (if) You can't trust her enough to turn loose or share the reigns...then what the hell were you thinking when you said..."l Do"...?

Seriously...the more you post the more you show the control freak in you!

Ridiculous!!!

I think i'm all done with this thread

this situation is crazy & it will not ever get better

keep the # to the airline handy dude U sure will need it when U decide that ur fed up with this

piglett

[Tahoma 2,292]

Same sh*t...different day.

Gilles...Isn't it ironic that, even though you claim to have "a strong background & lots of experience in both child and adult psychology & sociology," you refuse to acknowledge that you are the one who needs to seek professional help? It has not gone unnoticed that you simply ignore the issue altogether.

And yet, you continue in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship in which you refuse to set personal boundaries in regards to manipulation, lying, deception, communication, and transparency. Why is that? What are you afraid of?

Maybe this will help you to WAKE UP!!!

[Loolie 56]

im just happy to read your online diary gilles...atleast you dont forget to update your diary here. hehehe

[TravellingNomad 12]

wow...this thread turned out to be a roller coaster.

but in any case...Gilles, going to the people your wife support will not do you any good...let alone it's her immediate family. and yes...chances are, you will be on their sh!tlist. because if they are now 100% dependent on your wife for most (if not all) of their daily needs/necessities/luxuries (whatever you want to call it), her family will stick together tighter than duct tape folded onto itself to protect the easy money that comes to them each month. hell you're probably on that list now. like you said, she's talked to her family. they probably only been hearing at how you are not wanting her to have any money at all.

on another note...it would be interesting what your wife would say if you did have her post her side on here.

[rlogan 2,036]

My wife won't go to counseling even if a gun were held to her head.

Hi Gilles.

That's typical manipulator intransigence.

I see that you disagree with me about the possibility that she's also trolling for other men to use, and the evidence is other healthy Filipina relationships you see.

I do agree with you that Filipinas are more family-committed than their American counterparts. But we are not talking about Filipinas. We are talking about manipulators.

There are innumerable numbers of Filipina web cam/chat scammers, visa fraudsters, and even murderers - every one of them manipulative cheaters in romance.

I have to agree with those that have said you cannot counter-manipulate an expert manipulator, and I've seen that kind of thinking in your posts from the very beginning.

I also agree with the ones who have said we need to look at ourselves when we are in these situations and ask what it is about ourselves that is wrong.

What I learned from my struggles with manipulators is that it went all the way back to my childhood. Because I grew up in a household with it, I had a disability in dealing with it, and came to both expect it and find comfort in it with mates (as bizarre as that sounds).

I had to learn through books how to fix myself. I cannot change manipulative people, but I can sure change myself.

It is so wonderful being married to a normal person. Together with a manipulative wife we were making over $200K per year including benefits. We didn't pay a penny in dental or medical because we were double-insured. We were putting $20K in the bank annually on top of both very generous retirement plans. Two years ahead on the mortgage payments.

But I was the most miserable S.O.B. on earth. Every night with my head in my hands in anguish.

Now I'm in poverty by comparison (not literally, but WAY poorer) and I am the happiest guy on earth.

Although you are mostly harping on money, your problem isn't about money. All the money in the world isn't going to fix it.

I hope that you do try to do some reading or get some counseling. Nothing to be ashamed of there. It was the best thing I ever did for myself other than marrying this scorching hot Filipina youngster. Yow. What a wife and mother she turned out to be.

[Tahoma 2,292]

I have to agree with those that have said you cannot counter-manipulate an expert manipulator, and I've seen that kind of thinking in your posts from the very beginning.

I also agree with the ones who have said we need to look at ourselves when we are in these situations and ask what it is about ourselves that is wrong.

I cannot change manipulative people, but I can sure change myself.

Although you are mostly harping on money, your problem isn't about money. All the money in the world isn't going to fix it.

+1

[DEDixon 39]

they survived without me for so long so they can do it now as well.... beg, borrow, steal, whatever, you don't ask me for any hospital money, i'm not into playing God.

[th and jv 3]

Pinay words of wisdom...

godsgift...

...helping is good.. just dont abuse the person who is helping...

rheanick...

If you have extra money, give a certain amount that you are comforatble with...

...his wife has an attitude...

chaice...

I'm glad that me and my husband are so transparent with each other, and we're able to talk about everything, even the most awkward things.

In my point of view...money that was given is easier to spend than money that you've worked hard for...

bmtrrbt...

I also wonder why you cant just stop your wife and just be in control. Let your wife say what she wanna say.

I wonder when are you gonna take action about whats shes been doing? are you just gonna keep on posting the same issue here on vj?

Matt and Evieve...

Husband and wife should be honest to one another especially when it comes to money.

adiiann...

...no matter how much money they will send to their family in the Philippines, it will never be enough.

...did she marry you in order to get here and work to earn money for her family? or did she marry you in order to build a family of your own? and which reason weighs more?

tahoma.....

you amaze me with the effort and concern....

thanks to you........

you make our "lives easier" with your scorecards and the above and many more.....

keep it up up up !!!!!!

[Gilles 4]

You sound like two college roomies fighting over whose turn it is to buy the pizza. (or) Like a father dealing with a hard headed teen.

Here's an idea for you....treat your wife like a wife. Give her shared control of all your finances. Empower her instead of trying to control/ dominate her. (if) You can't trust her enough to turn loose or share the reigns...then what the hell were you thinking when you said..."l Do"...?

Seriously...the more you post the more you show the control freak in you!

Ridiculous!!!

When it comes to trusting or relying on someone, I usually assume they are up to the task until they show otherwise. I gave my wife a lot of freedom with money when we were first together. Her irresponsible ways caused me to develop some hesitation when it came to letting her handle the money. I'd guess that you would have done the same.

[Gilles 4]

Same sh*t...different day.

Gilles...Isn't it ironic that, even though you claim to have "a strong background & lots of experience in both child and adult psychology & sociology," you refuse to acknowledge that you are the one who needs to seek professional help? It has not gone unnoticed that you simply ignore the issue altogether.

And yet, you continue in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship in which you refuse to set personal boundaries in regards to manipulation, lying, deception, communication, and transparency. Why is that? What are you afraid of?

Maybe this will help you to WAKE UP!!!

As someone else said (I think it was Kevin), love is a very powerful thing. Because I love my wife, I'm hopeful that she'll overcome this stage and she'll understand that what she's doing is wrong. My wife shows in a lot of ways that have nothing to do with money that she loves me and that she's committed to the relationship working. She simply has a delusion that I have some kind of bottomless pit of money that I'm hiding from her.

Could I use counseling? I've been in support groups and have been to counseling and it is largely through those groups that I've learned to be more comfortable with saying no or being "tough".

[wilgrace 3]

As someone else said (I think it was Kevin), love is a very powerful thing. Because I love my wife, I'm hopeful that she'll overcome this stage and she'll understand that what she's doing is wrong. My wife shows in a lot of ways that have nothing to do with money that she loves me and that she's committed to the relationship working. She simply has a delusion that I have some kind of bottomless pit of money that I'm hiding from her.

Could I use counseling? I've been in support groups and have been to counseling and it is largely through those groups that I've learned to be more comfortable with saying no or being "tough".

Love is the most important part of the relation....if both of you are transparent of what you earn and what she earn and both of you talks about all the bills to be paid and both of you will talk about how much money left and to be save and will talk about if there is spare then she can sent back home...i think everything will be fine. In our situation we are open in everything especially financially....we don't fight over money we live how much money left after all the bills paid....and we dont send money back to philippines unless its for emergency...emergency means no one can help them but us....if your wife knows that theres no way for both of you to help her family back home then there are many filipina woman out there seeking for love and a long lasting family not just for your money..... (this problem is not happining only to filipina its happend in every race) the most important thing is how you gonna deal with it.

[rlogan 2,036]

She simply has a delusion that I have some kind of bottomless pit of money that I'm hiding from her.

She doesn't have a delusion that you are a bottomless pit of money. She knows what she is doing is wrong. Nobody knows better than her.

That's why she refuses to see a counsellor. Manipulators refuse to fight fair, they know a professional counsellor is an impartial referee, so they refuse counseling.

The person who is deluded is you. I don't say this to cut you down and insult you. Just being frank. You can't seem to accept that she knows what she is doing is wrong.

If you admit to that, then you have to deal with what that implies about her love for you.

As someone else said (I think it was Kevin), love is a very powerful thing. Because I love my wife, I'm hopeful that she'll overcome this stage and she'll understand that what she's doing is wrong.

Extremely intelligent professional people have been driven to clinical depression, had their careers ruined, bankruptcy, etc. by run-of-the-mill average IQ unemployed manipulators because the victim "loved" them and ground themselves into dust trying to get their spouse to "see" what they were doing was wrong.

The joke is on them because the manipulator knows all along what they are doing is wrong. They just have no scruples. Having the victim exhaust themselves trying to make them "see" what they already know is wrong is one of the reasons the manipulator has so little respect for their victim.

Manipulators figure if people are going to act that dumb then they deserve what they get.

My wife shows in a lot of ways that have nothing to do with money that she loves me and that she's committed to the relationship working.

Of course she does. Willing to absolutely everything except, uh, fix the problem.

A good parasite never kills its host. So of course she's going to keep the relationship "working". Until she finds a better host.

Could I use counseling? I've been in support groups and have been to counseling and it is largely through those groups that I've learned to be more comfortable with saying no or being "tough".

That's stated in a way that does not indicate that you have been to support groups and counselling for this matter under discussion. That's a pretty important qualifier.

A seasoned professional is going to zero in on the incapacity of yours in accepting that she knows what she is doing is wrong.

I have no malice towards you. I hope that never is implied in the things I have said.

[Tahoma 2,292]

Same sh*t...different day.

Gilles...Isn't it ironic that, even though you claim to have "a strong background & lots of experience in both child and adult psychology & sociology," you refuse to acknowledge that you are the one who needs to seek professional help? It has not gone unnoticed that you simply ignore the issue altogether.

And yet, you continue in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship in which you refuse to set personal boundaries in regards to manipulation, lying, deception, communication, and transparency. Why is that? What are you afraid of?

Maybe this will help you to WAKE UP!!!

As someone else said (I think it was Kevin), love is a very powerful thing. Because I love my wife, I'm hopeful that she'll overcome this stage and she'll understand that what she's doing is wrong. My wife shows in a lot of ways that have nothing to do with money that she loves me and that she's committed to the relationship working. She simply has a delusion that I have some kind of bottomless pit of money that I'm hiding from her.

Could I use counseling? I've been in support groups and have been to counseling and it is largely through those groups that I've learned to be more comfortable with saying no or being "tough".

Thank you for confirming that you don't have any counseling relevant to your current issues.

rlogan said it best...you are the one who is deluded.

I believe that you are deluding yourself because you fear what admitting truth will mean to your relationship.

I hope you get the counseling you need.