Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses

[fox fox 5]

my take on loaning money is...."if you can't afford to just give it to them with no return, then don't give it to them". to me, if i loan out, i look at it as i'm giving you money. if you give it back to me, well then that's a nice surprise. So what i'm saying is that....I don't loan money. That's what a signature loan is for. Seek your local bank.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

She says if I don't agree to this plan, she'll go to "plan B", but won't tell me what that is.

Tell her that you're already at "Plan D - Divorce".

Seriously, you've given it every chance that you could and several that you shouldn't have.

Getting interested in her religion won't help, she doesn't follow it anyway.

Is she treating you like someone who loves & cares about you?

Tell her if she wants the house then she'll have to pay the mortgage otherwise she can opt for a cheaper apartment so she might still be able to afford to send money back home.

Don't invest money in her education, if she wants it then she can pay for it.

[Laser1 63]

Furthermore, why should she get more discretionary money than me? While she said she'd still contribute to some bills (just groceries) during those 3-4 months, I have some reservations, as her desire for 60-70% of her paycheck as discretionary money is too much.

Surely you can negotiate that down to equal discretionary spending.

It sounds like she is starting to negotiate in terms of dollars. Just come back to her with the figures you have in mind. Hopefully you two can come to an agreement somewhere in the middle.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Tell her that you're already at "Plan D - Divorce".

Seriously, you've given it every chance that you could and several that you shouldn't have.

Getting interested in her religion won't help, she doesn't follow it anyway.

Is she treating you like someone who loves & cares about you?

Tell her if she wants the house then she'll have to pay the mortgage otherwise she can opt for a cheaper apartment so she might still be able to afford to send money back home.

Don't invest money in her education, if she wants it then she can pay for it.

Please hold on a sec Bob....

1) The whole time...it's only been Gilles side of the story.

2) I wonder if Gilles married a paycheck or a woman.?

3) He admits he's caught in a power struggle that he desires to win.

4) Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

5) How many Filipinos don't want to help their family? The mabait 1's do.

I'm not excusing her behavior but..but...how many men do you know are succesful at backing their wives in a corner? (and) How many women do you know that when they feel backed in a corner...come out swinging?

How bout this..What if..Gilles has been twisting the truth to garner good ideas on how to get control? .What if..Her desire to help her family is due to the dire situation their in...Gilles doesn't care....Gilles was managing his finances before she got here and now he wants a pay raise? Perhaps.. they made an arrangement/ understanding that she would get a job and take the responsibility of providing for her family on her own shoulders and not his.....etc...

There seems to be some compromises made on her part already but Gilles is not yet satisified. Gilles wants everything his way when it comes to the ....everything?

Just a thought...the more Gilles posts the more questions come up in my mind about his true intent.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Please hold on a sec Bob....

?

How bout this..What if..Gilles has been twisting the truth to garner good ideas on how to get control? .What if..Her desire to help her family is due to the dire situation their in...Gilles doesn't care....Gilles was managing his finances before she got here and now he wants a pay raise? Perhaps.. they made an arrangement/ understanding that she would get a job and take the responsibility of providing for her family on her own shoulders and not his.....etc...

There seems to be some compromises made on her part already but Gilles is not yet satisified. Gilles wants everything his way when it comes to the ....everything?

Just a thought...the more Gilles posts the more questions come up in my mind about his true intent.

That very well may be the case but we only have what info is presented to go on.

Also, if your potential scenario is in fact the truth then Divorce would be a welcome relief for her and disaster for Gilles has he failed to maintain control over her.

[Tahoma 2,292]

Now she wants me to pay for her schooling and wants the first 3 to 4 months earnings of hers all to herself to pay for a new house for her parents. And she says after that, she would sign 100% of her paychecks over to me, but suggested that I return some 60-70% of her paycheck to her for her own discretionary money (I had a figure in mind of a lot less than that). Furthermore, why should she get more discretionary money than me? While she said she'd still contribute to some bills (just groceries) during those 3-4 months, I have some reservations, as her desire for 60-70% of her paycheck as discretionary money is too much.

I'd like for her to go to school and improve her job skills. But if she just wants to be a money hog, then what's the purpose? Furthermore, she could say she'll sign over her paychecks and then elect not to.

This is getting nauseating, as she pesters me about this every day. She says if I don't agree to this plan, she'll go to "plan B", but won't tell me what that is.

Gilles...You've heard every amateur opinion under the sun regarding your personal issues with your wife, and you're still playing the same games that failed you in the past. What has changed? You still don't know how to deal with your fears, and you are still rationalizing every failure.

You don't have immigration issues. You don't have cultural issues. So, what exactly are you doing here? Do you think VJ can replace the counseling that you need? I find it very telling that you are completely ignoring any mention of your own need for counseling, even when it was brought up earlier in this thread. Why is that?

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

That very well may be the case but we only have what info is presented to go on.

Also, if your potential scenario is in fact the truth then Divorce would be a welcome relief for her and disaster for Gilles has he failed to maintain control over her.

Well...I'm not saying that the scenario I presented is exactly the way it's really playing but I don't think I'm too far off the mark.

Gilles says...she won't get a job...hmmmm...she did.

Gilles says...she won't contribute to the bills...she did/ does.

Gilles says...I want total control of her money...she's trying to negotiate a reasonable split. (I think a pretty good guess that most of her share is heading back home and will keep just enough for her to make due)

Gilles states he has years of experience in psychology....(I am thinking of the part in the movie (silence of the lambs) where Hannibal talked the psycho in the next cell into swallowing his own tongue...not suggesting Gilles has these mind control abilities but)....Gilles probably knows how devoted a mabait Filipina is to her marriage vows and that if he has her heart...well...be tenacious, be patient and sometimes he deliberately pushes her too far and into some irrational action that he can use as a guilt leverage.

Why does Gilles put up with her if she is so bad? Because he is not done breaking her down.

[Kevin- 13]

Please notice that she's giving you a threatening ultimatum. Here are some of your few options remaining.

1. Give her control over all the finances for awhile. I suspect one of two things would result: she'll realize how hard it is to make ends meet, or she'll continue making horrible decisions that result in all the utilities getting turned off or even eviction (is it a rental or a mortgage?). This method carries a huge risk, but a predictable outcome. If you love her enough, you could consider it worth the risk. I think either way she will get to where she realizes how irresponsible her choices and desires are. Although it's slightly possible she would let it all fall apart and still blame you for not giving up your "secret stash". If you do this, stock up on candles first.

2. Counter her threatening ultimatum with your own. Go directly to the big D. She won't be able to survive on her own, a true threat of this could shake her up enough. But, I don't think this is the best plan as it just perpetuates the hostility.

3. (best option!) My previous suggestions which would appeal to her conscience.

4. Continue "negotiating", if you can call it that. The hostility involved in these negotiations, even if it is as one sided as it sounds, mean they aren't really negotiations. They're full-fledged combat in disguise. Even if you manage to negotiate your way through this problem and she has herself a better job and buys the parents a house, the marriage itself will still be on life-support. Fix the other problems in the relationship, and negotiations won't need to happen.

Her mind seems to be in a fantasy land where she's living a rich life and can easily buy her parents a nice house. I want to buy my parents a nice house, too, and I'm American. But I'm sure not going to buy them a nice house at the expense of my own financial stability.

There's also a very strong element of impatience in her actions. She's not willing to patiently work toward the goal of helping her parents get a house (etc), she feels an immediate imperative.

If you take route #3 and help her become less defensive, you may be able to get to the root of why she feels this overwhelming obligation to "make her parents rich immediately". Perhaps then you can help her realize that there's no urgency for it.

Talk softly at all times, be calm at all times.

Edited November 16, 2010 by Kevin-

[piglett 16]

my thoughts to you is to put a stop to this very quickly or be ready to be the family cash cow.

and like an above poster said: NEVER PAY THE ENTIRE BILL, my reason for this is you are part of the family and everyonen must share in helping, otherwise you are taking care of the entire family which is not what you married her for. If you were not there they would find a way.

that's a very good way to look at it !!!!!!!!

thank you , I'll have to remember that for when my wife arrives & i get requests for money from her family

thanks

piglett

[piglett 16]

She wants to have children and I do too, but when I ask her if she would rather put money in a baby fund to help cover the added expenses of having a child or sending the money to her family in the Philippines, she refuses to give me an answer.

Oh i would say that she gives you VERY clear answers , you just didn't understand them

READ BETWEEN THE LINES MAN & man up

piglett

[piglett 16]

I have to think ahead of my family's future. I sound probably selfish, but come think of it, I didn't go in this foreign land to earn money for people that probably not thinking of my future but only what their present, I went here to build a family that I will call my own and have them until I could work no more.

VERY WELL SAID !!!! THANK YOU

PIGLETT

Edited November 26, 2010 by piglett

[piglett 16]

Please hold on a sec Bob....

1) The whole time...it's only been Gilles side of the story.

2) I wonder if Gilles married a paycheck or a woman.?

3) He admits he's caught in a power struggle that he desires to win.

4) Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

5) How many Filipinos don't want to help their family? The mabait 1's do.

How bout this..What if..Gilles has been twisting the truth to garner good ideas on how to get control? .What if..Her desire to help her family is due to the dire situation their in...Gilles doesn't care....Gilles was managing his finances before she got here and now he wants a pay raise? Perhaps.. they made an arrangement/ understanding that she would get a job and take the responsibility of providing for her family on her own shoulders and not his.....etc...

There seems to be some compromises made on her part already but Gilles is not yet satisified. Gilles wants everything his way when it comes to the ....everything?

Just a thought...the more Gilles posts the more questions come up in my mind about his true intent.

I think you may really be on to something OP may be a crazy money hungry ####### that wants his inlaws in the PI to eat dirt sandwiches & all this time granny is in the hospital & OP say screw her i need more money in MY savings account & a new bmw too.

or maybe i am way off base?

piglett

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I think you may really be on to something OP may be a crazy money hungry ####### that wants his inlaws in the PI to eat dirt sandwiches & all this time granny is in the hospital & OP say screw her i need more money in MY savings account & a new bmw too.

or maybe i am way off base?

piglett

I think he's way off base. It's pretty obvious to me that his wife has a case of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine". She did offer to give him "some" of "her" money but still wants 60-70% of "her" income for her to do whatever with yet expects her husband to pay the vast majority of house bills alone... say what???

He's already said the 60-70% that she wants is more than he gets to play with because all HIS money goes towards bills. It's hardly fair. Yes we're working from the OP's account and don't have the wife's version, but it still makes no sense to me that she can't seem to realise that her income should be assisting the household, and her family doesn't need to be sent as much money as she wants to. If she didn't have the OP she wouldn't be able to SEND home so much money... she's being irrational expecting him to carry her AND her family and all she wants is to chuck him a couple of bucks once in a while?

My main complaint about the OP is he insists on pushing sh*t uphill and can't seem to figure out why he keeps getting dirty. It's 100% obvious their relationship has a MAJOR issue.

In my opinion her "plan B" is accusing him of violence and divorcing him. Or if she doesn't need that, just leaving him for someone else.

[piglett 16]

My main complaint about the OP is he insists on pushing sh*t uphill and can't seem to figure out why he keeps getting dirty. It's 100% obvious their relationship has a MAJOR issue.

In my opinion her "plan B" is accusing him of violence and divorcing him. Or if she doesn't need that, just leaving him for someone else.

i think i would just pack my sh*t & move to another state if u had OP's problem

what a crazy situation

piglett

[rvince 0]

My wife is such a Kuripot. I am the one who always want to send money to our family in the phils. She converts everything into Pesos in her mind. If I want to send 100 bucks she will say You will send them four thousand three hundred pesos ba?!?!?!?!?!?! remember they are not in Manila, things are cheap in their barangay. She makes it sound like so much money.. She protects our finances from the family. I use to complain about it, but after reading the post on this thread, I guess I should be grateful.

Edited November 26, 2010 by rvince