New Life

[Welshcookie 17]

She tells me that in Vietnam, they are not romantic and they do not display their affections, even in the privacy of home. She does not like to sit with me or even try to talk to me.

Same as you having doubts already, I also can't seem to buy her "cultural differences" excuse trying to somehow justify why she's not affectionate towards, nor communicate with you either, even in the privacy of your home. Did she mention this "cultural difference" to you or were you even aware of it before bringing her over? Was she like this whenever you dated or spent time together in person? I would assume that at some point and time, not only did you tell her the types of characteristics you looked for in a woman, but also the types of women that attracted you as well.

IMHO, I think she's just feeding you a bunch of bs ####### as a cop out.

This is a great way for the two of you to start your marriage, when your soon-to-be wife doesn't even make any attempts whatsoever to talk to you. Seems as if the two of you don't really know each other and as such, have nothing in common to talk about either. But what really worries me the most, is the fact you seem to be the only one putting forth the effort of communicating with her, in order to be able to find mutual interests and reach common grounds, so you can have a successful marriage. On the other hand, the same can't be said about her. Thus, this already is a one sided affair before marriage! Remember that no matter how much or hard you try, if she really has no interest in you, nor puts any effort towards having a successful marriage, it won't work either now, nor in the future. Something to consider.

If I was the type of person that needed lots of attention and/or affection from a woman, I would right away and from the very beginning make sure she knew about. And when/if deciding to marry her, I would've made sure she so far has been able and still will be capable of meeting and fulfilling those needs.

Being of Asian descent myself, I can tell you what I know (but I'm Chinese, born and raised in Canada). Most Asian women are taught that if you do show affection in public, that sort of behavior is viewed as "loose" (prostitute like).

That's cool and all, but in the OP's case, he is not complaining about his fiance not being affectionate towards him in public, but really about her not being affectionate at all, in the privacy of their home, behind closed doors! I find this utterly absurd, unless she is truly not attracted to him at all and possibly has ulterior motives by marrying him, as another poster mentioned.

I would ask her if she would behave the same way if she was to marry or was already married to a Vietnamese husband instead, whether here in the US or back in Vietnam.

If her family was already here before you brought her over; why didn't they bring her over instead?

Follow your instincts and listen to your gut feelings. Right now they're sensing and telling you something doesn't seem, nor feels right. If you're not happy with the current situation, getting married will not necessarily guarantee things will get better. You are currently not happy and having doubts, which is why you came here asking for advice in the first place. Since your fiance shows no interest in pursuing a relationship with you now, I assume she won't either after marriage. Are you guys even intimate?

Remember, the language of "true" love is universal and as such, knows no boundary, nor language, nor culture, etc. Love is displayed and shown the same all over the World, moreso in privacy.

I would seek the help of a marriage counselor who has experience with intercultural relationships. See if she wants to take some classes and make some friends. If it doesn't work, well then it doesn't work.

Truly the best advice and supporting statement I've seen so far here on VJ. NOT!

I second everyhting you have said here......couldnt have said it better myself....well done!!!!!!

yeh right.........

[oski 0]

marriage counsellor before they r even married......???????????..........have you lost your marbles????????????????

And what is so funny about that??......have you never heard of pre-martital counselling??.....If more couple went in for it maybe there would be less divorce....

r u a joke or what...you obviously dont have your head screwed on....we are talking about them getting married and going to a counsellr before that????....you are a weirdo ......thats for sure!!!!!

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Pre-marital counselling is a valid option for many people - there's no need to insult the person who suggested it - really...it may not be right for many or the OP but even so...

[Welshcookie 17]

It's hardly an unthinkable concept y'know

http://www.hearttoheartindia.com/pre-marriagecounselling.htm

http://www.healmylife.com/services/premari...ounselling.html

http://www3.sympatico.ca/revev/PMC.html

[john_and_marlene 162]

Pre-marital counselling is a valid option for many people - there's no need to insult the person who suggested it - really...it may not be right for many or the OP but even so...

The cost for a marriage license in Oklahoma is reduced to $5 from $50 if you attend counseling prior to marriage. It is recommended and rewarded.

I'm not suggesting, however, that this relationship can be saved by counseling. Counseling may very well show that they should not get married. I don't think they got together for the right reasons. After reading the story of how they met in their profile, I'm more convinced that this relationship was not formed for the right reasons. It was like he took the first available woman from that family...the first "pick" was taken so he went on to the next one. This whole situation has the feel of fraud.

From the profile:

"Was introduced by a friend to her cousin number one..

Cousin one rejected me for another who beat me to her...went to cousin two...talked an the phone September 2004 met in person March 2005"

[Canuck Carrie 1]

I'm not suggesting, however, that this relationship can be saved by counseling. Counseling may very well show that they should not get married. I don't think they got together for the right reasons. After reading the story of how they met in their profile, I'm more convinced that this relationship was not formed for the right reasons. It was like he took the first available woman from that family...the first "pick" was taken so he went on to the next one. This whole situation has the feel of fraud.

From the profile:

"Was introduced by a friend to her cousin number one..

Cousin one rejected me for another who beat me to her...went to cousin two...talked an the phone September 2004 met in person March 2005"

Thank you, I've been biting my tongue on that one.

[ariel_2005 0]

"Do I wait longer or send her now"

geez shes not an object !! wrong way of thinking like that .... my 2 cents...

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Boy, it is getting nasty in here. Look, this situation breathes of fraud on the part of the bride-to-be. There is a huge and growing problem of Vietnamese girls (and boys) doing whatever it takes to get to the U.S. One reason why I know my fiancee and I will have to wait longer than we want, as the Ho Chi Minh City office is backed up.

In this case, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), this girl is so clueless that she cannot even put on a good act for just a few weeks! Not for one second do I believe this woman is even the least bit "in love" with this man. No communication at all = no way to fall in love. And if she is cold and distant in person, with nobody else around, then the situation is obvious.

Either she starts trying, or end it. I feel for this guy, I really do.

It would help if he posted in his own thread. How about an update?

[john_and_marlene 162]

"Do I wait longer or send her now"

geez shes not an object !! wrong way of thinking like that .... my 2 cents...

... and she has a name ... cousin two

Next!

[john_and_marlene 162]

Looks like the situation is solved http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=2905

Edited February 20, 2006 by john_and_marlene

[Fandango 1,439]

Looks like the situation is solved http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=2803

That link is to this thread...I'm confused!

Listen Nate....only you know what to do...but I gotta say...your pic on your webpage...I don't know if it was the intent or not, but your fiancee doesn't look like a happy bunny. I'm prolly reading too much into it, but she just looks completely defeated there to me.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

The ending we all (well, most) saw coming. Too bad. But it's better this way. Less heartache.

[john_and_marlene 162]

Looks like the situation is solved http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=2803

That link is to this thread...I'm confused!

Listen Nate....only you know what to do...but I gotta say...your pic on your webpage...I don't know if it was the intent or not, but your fiancee doesn't look like a happy bunny. I'm prolly reading too much into it, but she just looks completely defeated there to me.

sorry, you got to it before I completed my edit

[Billy 0]

"Do I wait longer or send her now"

geez shes not an object !! wrong way of thinking like that .... my 2 cents...

... and she has a name ... cousin two

Next!

Hello there!

my thoughts to you....DON'T GET MARRY. IT IS A BIG MISTAKE. I've been there, done that. it's a terrible mistake you have ever made. I am an Asian American and I married a woman from Cambodia. We speak the same language and still don't understand each other. If she does not love you and does not show you any affection toward you, that mean thing is going to be bad. I think that SOME asian women just want a free ticket here. They lie too much. Especially if they have relatives here in the states. my thoughts to you is SEND HER BACK HOME. getting marry to someone like that is a big mistake. getting marry is cheap but divorce very expensive. If she has AOS, you will be obligate to the contract...

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Well said. Look, my fiancee, who lives in Vietnam, was leary of saying yes to marriage with me because she knew people would think she was just trying to come to the U.S. She is very sensitive about that. She has friends who have made the journey to the U.S. under false pretense.

There has to be genuine love and friendship that you KNOW is real, otherwise, you are going to regret it.

My advice to this guy: Learn Vietnamese if you want a Vietnamese wife. It's a huge deal.