New Life

[Captain Ewok 1,891]

...

[Welshcookie 17]

(like when I found out that "cleaning the house" meant all of my old stuff gets thrown away ).

Sorry but just had to say that gave me a good ole chuckle

I fail to see the problem here....

we moved recently and it took a the biggest skip we could hire plus several trips to the recycle tip...all the ####### he had accumulated over the years went in....I gave him box and he had to fill it with 'stuff' he really couldn't part with. I got rid of my ####### when I first moved in with him, cos there was no room for mine AND his...so with this move I gave him a free 'Life Laundry'.....there were tears....but he doesn't even miss a thing now

I hate clutter....

Anyway...back to topic........

Edited February 20, 2006 by welshcookie

[babybunny 2]

I think its all cultural. it will be ok you know. my husband is from PK.

lets say he kissed me one time "FAST" before we married he felt like I was not his. maybe this is how your fiancee is feeling. sometimes it takes us girls time to warm up to those things without the marriage.

[dalegg 143]

dalegg has it down pat. PDA is a no-no to traditional Asian women. But once you are alone that goes out the door. I'll never forget the first chance my girl and I were alone in Paris and could kiss. She was so shy, but so nervous and so eager. By the time of our second meeting in Germany she through PDA rules out the door and would hold my hand and kiss me constantly.

Understand, she is a traditional girl. Sex is for the wedding night. But that does not mean EVERYTHING is for the wedding night!

In the case of the topic starter, reading another post of his I see his girl does not speak English and he does not speak Vietnamese. Frankly, I am nothing but suspicious of this situation. I feel for the guy and hope I am wrong. But it doesn't look good.

I don't mean to be stereotypical or too presumptious here, but somehow I think Nate knows about asian women, probably more than us.

nate&Trinh

Edited February 20, 2006 by dalegg

[ceriserose 1]

I don't mean to be stereotypical or too presumptious here, but somehow I think Nate knows about asian women, probably more than us.

nate&Trinh

Um, are those wedding photos on that site? Not sure what I'm seeing is that or some other ceremonial photos.

[kc456 0]

Most advice so far have been to talk about the issues. But how is this possible if neither of them speak each other's language, even for the simple stuff like what's to have for dinner? Let alone talk about cultural differences or affection. That makes the situation pretty difficult for the OP. You also need to take fiancee's situation into consideration -- she is in a foreign country, does not speak the language, has not friends or family. It must be quite difficult for her.

From personal (limited) experience -- I was once getting a Mexican visa at a Mexican consulate in CA. It made me *very* uncomfortable not to undertand the people around me. Almost to the point that I was glad that the trip fell through and I did not get to visit Mexico.

[Peggy 1]

I really wish them luck.

I cant imagine how hard it must be to communicate if they cant speak the others language.

[Sinergy 3]

Ok, im curious then, how can you marry someone or even concider marrying someone when neither of you could talk to eachother. Even simple phrases like "goodmorning" or "how are you?" if thats all you can say to eachother, how in the world was a relationship even formed in the first place??? I would HOPE that the building of a relationship is on more than stares to eachother and physical motions but more rather getting to know that person DEEPLY and internally. And for that youd need to be able to speak to eachother pretty darn well. You cant fall inlove JUST based on looks and decide "YES she looks good, im gonna marry her, who cares if we cant talk to eachother" Or atleast took the time for one of you to LEARN the others language BEFORE making a longlife commitment. And I would hope the one immigrating to the STATES is the one to learn the american language first if they plan to make this their permanant HOME.

If my opinions offend anyone, they are just my opinions and can be ignored.

Hugs,

Tara

[dalegg 143]

Um, are those wedding photos on that site? Not sure what I'm seeing is that or some other ceremonial photos.

In Vietnam you usually have an engagement ceremony prior to a marriage. It looks and feels a lot like a marriage to the average American, but it is an engagement, by tradition and law.

[ceriserose 1]

Um, are those wedding photos on that site? Not sure what I'm seeing is that or some other ceremonial photos.

In Vietnam you usually have an engagement ceremony prior to a marriage. It looks and feels a lot like a marriage to the average American, but it is an engagement, by tradition and law.

Okay, then that would make sense. In the OP's original post he refers to his fiancée as "Mrs." (which albeit, is not uncommon for betrothed even if it's not exactly correct) and that with the pictures made me wonder what the heck was going on.

To the OP: best of luck to you. Hopefully you can breach the language barrier and carry on happily.

[oski 0]

send her home now.....how could you even contemplate marrying someone who cant show you any love or affection...i know what i would do...but then again i wouldnt even want to marry someone from over there with a culture like that.....forget it ...there are plenty of fish in the sea

[Welshcookie 17]

send her home now.....how could you even contemplate marrying someone who cant show you any love or affection...i know what i would do...but then again i wouldnt even want to marry someone from over there with a culture like that.....forget it ...there are plenty of fish in the sea

It has only been 2 weeks.....maybe more time is needed

[oski 0]

Being of Asian descent myself I can tell you what I know (but I'm Chinese, born and raised in Canada). Most asian women are taught that if you do show affection in public, that sort of behavior is viewed as "loose" (prostitute like). If you don't mind me asking, what is your definition of romantic? It probably has a lot to do with culture shock. Heck, I'm CDN and I had culture shock coming to the USA! Also, the majority of asian cultures are high context cultures. Meaning we don't like to sit and chat, and mostly everything is said indirectly because we place a lot of emphasis on saving face. I would seek the help of a marriage counselor who has experience with intercultural relationships. See if she wants to take some classes and make some friends. If it doesn't work, well then it doesn't work.

marriage counsellor before they r even married......???????????..........have you lost your marbles???????????????? Forget about this i say....she is not the one for you.....you will know this when you find her.....

[Welshcookie 17]

marriage counsellor before they r even married......???????????..........have you lost your marbles????????????????

And what is so funny about that??......have you never heard of pre-martital counselling??.....If more couple went in for it maybe there would be less divorce....

[oski 0]

She tells me that in Vietnam, they are not romantic and they do not display their affections, even in the privacy of home. She does not like to sit with me or even try to talk to me.

Same as you having doubts already, I also can't seem to buy her "cultural differences" excuse trying to somehow justify why she's not affectionate towards, nor communicate with you either, even in the privacy of your home. Did she mention this "cultural difference" to you or were you even aware of it before bringing her over? Was she like this whenever you dated or spent time together in person? I would assume that at some point and time, not only did you tell her the types of characteristics you looked for in a woman, but also the types of women that attracted you as well.

IMHO, I think she's just feeding you a bunch of bs ####### as a cop out.

This is a great way for the two of you to start your marriage, when your soon-to-be wife doesn't even make any attempts whatsoever to talk to you. Seems as if the two of you don't really know each other and as such, have nothing in common to talk about either. But what really worries me the most, is the fact you seem to be the only one putting forth the effort of communicating with her, in order to be able to find mutual interests and reach common grounds, so you can have a successful marriage. On the other hand, the same can't be said about her. Thus, this already is a one sided affair before marriage! Remember that no matter how much or hard you try, if she really has no interest in you, nor puts any effort towards having a successful marriage, it won't work either now, nor in the future. Something to consider.

If I was the type of person that needed lots of attention and/or affection from a woman, I would right away and from the very beginning make sure she knew about. And when/if deciding to marry her, I would've made sure she so far has been able and still will be capable of meeting and fulfilling those needs.

Being of Asian descent myself, I can tell you what I know (but I'm Chinese, born and raised in Canada). Most Asian women are taught that if you do show affection in public, that sort of behavior is viewed as "loose" (prostitute like).

That's cool and all, but in the OP's case, he is not complaining about his fiance not being affectionate towards him in public, but really about her not being affectionate at all, in the privacy of their home, behind closed doors! I find this utterly absurd, unless she is truly not attracted to him at all and possibly has ulterior motives by marrying him, as another poster mentioned.

I would ask her if she would behave the same way if she was to marry or was already married to a Vietnamese husband instead, whether here in the US or back in Vietnam.

If her family was already here before you brought her over; why didn't they bring her over instead?

Follow your instincts and listen to your gut feelings. Right now they're sensing and telling you something doesn't seem, nor feels right. If you're not happy with the current situation, getting married will not necessarily guarantee things will get better. You are currently not happy and having doubts, which is why you came here asking for advice in the first place. Since your fiance shows no interest in pursuing a relationship with you now, I assume she won't either after marriage. Are you guys even intimate?

Remember, the language of "true" love is universal and as such, knows no boundary, nor language, nor culture, etc. Love is displayed and shown the same all over the World, moreso in privacy.

I would seek the help of a marriage counselor who has experience with intercultural relationships. See if she wants to take some classes and make some friends. If it doesn't work, well then it doesn't work.

Truly the best advice and supporting statement I've seen so far here on VJ. NOT!

I second everyhting you have said here......couldnt have said it better myself....well done!!!!!!