New Life

[Sinergy 3]

Cultural differences will always be a big part for a couple to over come TOGETHER. I find the best thing for that is communication. I feel so GLAD to have lived with my fiance for a year and some months in his country BEFORE saying yes to his proposal. And the main reason i did that was to see if we can overcome some of our cultural issues. And me being American and him Romanian, YES there were very large cultural differences with us, but we talked, and we learned to adapt to eachothers cultures and we grew together and learned together. I was the unaffectionate one unfortunatly, but that was because of a past marriage I had, and my fiance showed me the joy in affection again. It takes work to make the relationship work, and if the partner wheather it be you or him/her, communication and a bit of work can make any problem blow away in the wind. Again this is just my opinion and my experience. Remember, NO ONE is going to be as perfect as they seem until you actually make a life with them and THEN you will begin to notice their flaws, but flaws make a person who they are, work on those with the person, if you really truely love them, then it will be completely worth it. I am a firm believer in communication, if he/she is not into communication, it doesnt hurt to bring up any subject out of the blue, instead of saying "dear we need to talk".

[desert_fox 32]

Lemme guess....she is 23 and you are 55

[Sinergy 3]

I dont think age has alot to do with anything. Maybe it does, who knows. I am 8 years older than my fiance and age was never a problem for us. He was very mature even when we met 5 yrs ago and still incredibly mature. Again its an individual thing, depends on the persons veiws and personality. Ive always believed in love knows no age. Then again what do i know teehee

[Peter Miami 0]

Listen to what your voices tell you and I think you know the answer. Communication is key to ALL relationships and especially to one of different cultures. How did she act when you were with her in her home country?

Good luck,

Peter Miami

Edited February 19, 2006 by Peter Miami

[Peggy 1]

dmartmar, why do you criticise another person's advice? Actually I notice this trend a lot with your posts to questions. Why do you stay on VJ if you're so unhappy? It's obvious you're a scorned man, whether or not you want to admit it. Doesn't VJ just remind you of her? It pains me to see that you can't be as happy as the rest of us. And OP is asking for advice because he feels there may be "eventual happiness". Stick to the question at hand. I know more than one person has told you so, I don't need to be added to the list. To the OP, sorry I don't mean to make this another dmartmar post.

I agree with you on this.

[malydon 0]

I dont think age has alot to do with anything. Maybe it does, who knows. I am 8 years older than my fiance and age was never a problem for us. He was very mature even when we met 5 yrs ago and still incredibly mature. Again its an individual thing, depends on the persons veiws and personality. Ive always believed in love knows no age. Then again what do i know teehee

I have to ask...is she different than she was when you were together in Vietnam. Or did you just accept this behavior then.

I have to say that I would expect that you two were having sex regularly during your visit to Vietnam.....and if you are not now..why...what has changed!

I do understand the "not showing affection in public" thing. But touching, holding and kissing in your own living room or kitchen is very different. In the bedroom is where there shouldn't be any problem at at...no one can say that is public. Thats where she should be able to show you how she feels about you without any embarrassment.

Again ..was she like this when you were in Vietnam or is it only now that she "has made it" to America.

I truely think that conversation is the only thing that will solve this problem...try talking in bed in the dark..perhaps she will be able to open up to you in that intimate surrounding......and don't do the "talking or questioning" just listen....which ever way this goes for her it will be difficult for her to explain it.

Also reschedule the wedding for the 90th day....don't let any one push you into anything sooner if it doesn't feel right to you...don't worry about the deposits that you will lose...money isn't everything.

I wish you the very best

Mike

[Welshcookie 17]

dmartmar, why do you criticise another person's advice? Actually I notice this trend a lot with your posts to questions. Why do you stay on VJ if you're so unhappy? It's obvious you're a scorned man, whether or not you want to admit it. Doesn't VJ just remind you of her? It pains me to see that you can't be as happy as the rest of us. And OP is asking for advice because he feels there may be "eventual happiness". Stick to the question at hand. I know more than one person has told you so, I don't need to be added to the list. To the OP, sorry I don't mean to make this another dmartmar post.

I agree with you on this.

So do I but I am keeping my mouth shut.....

[AFQuaid 18]

What was she like when you met and then during the process of waiting to get the visa compared to how shes acting now? Do you see a shocking change to how you once saw her and how you see her now?

I'd say you guys really need to sit down and say to her that she NEEDS to tell you what REALLY is going on for her. Perhaps it is culture shock, despite being in love moving to a different country is a big thing especially if its moving from somewhere you've always been. Like others with viet fiancees have said, it doesn't seem to be cultural but then again like religion some people are more religious than others. If you really feel its just shock why not try and bring more of what she knows into your home? Bits and pieces of furniture of her culture, some jewelry with some symbols she reconises and that she can keep on so she maybe feels more secure.

But then again there maybe the other side where is it isn't anything to do with moving or cultural beliefs but that she wasn't perpared for this? Maybe she isn't ready to commit to marriage?

She can't not even talk to you like others have said. What kind of marriage would that be if the people don't open up? You need to explain that to her. If it is her cultural beliefs she may feel particularly disloyal for being affectionate and maybe that would be something you and her need to work on and have her understand that shes in america now and its different there and theres nothing to feel bad about.

I dunno, just my 2 cents.

[Nikita2Charles 32]

I am sorry to hear about your situation, But i have to play devil advocate a little bit, but the answer will depend on your GUT FEELINGS.

How long were you 2 dating before getting married, it seems like a communication breakdown, how were you 2 behaving prior to getting married, how well do you know each other and trying to learn more about each other, The asian culture can be quite restrictive, but the younger generation is more modern, and not as conservative, the fact she has relative here, is she afraid they are going to talk bad about her, not just here but sent words back home to her relatives, destroying her family reputation, there are so much if's. The main thing is to sit down and let her know how much you LOVE her, reassure here everything will be alright, don't make THREAT, if you don't show me affection i'll DIVORCE you and SEND you back home nah nah nah, she made the big steps to come here and live with you, so don't look at it like you did her a favor by briging her to america because of her country origin. small things, when i 1st got married i used to be bother by but by COMMUNICATING i understood where she was coming, and how can I fix that, ASK her this is America you can be yourself, whatever you want to be, Reassure her she's your world, what can you do to make her OPEN UP?

Before giving it all up, attend a marriage counselor, specially before the marriage to see if there's more stuff you guys might disagree, different views.

God Bless you both

[dalegg 143]

First off, I have to agree with Miranda there. Why are you just finding this out now?

My Nicole is from Vietnam and yes, they are not into public displays of affection over there. But in the private that can be totally different. In Nicole's case it is almost like all of that bottled up emotion was just ready to burst out given the right chance. When we were together in Vietnam we were very respectful in public-right up until the point where we were alone in the hotel elevator. With respect to this, I have to agree with john(and marlene) there.

But in your case you may possibly have waited for intamacy until marriage, which is cool, but risky. Of course affection doesn't necassarily mean intamacy. You should be able to get the idea about someone one way or the other before you dive into marriage and if you don't think this is working out Nate, don't do it.

I'll tell you another story about Nicole and I though. The first week she was here was the roughest week of our relationship. There were definite cultural and personality shocks that somehow only came out when she was living with me- despite our year and a half relationship where I had spent weeks in Vietnam. There were moments I thought we might not make it (like when I found out that "cleaning the house" meant all of my old stuff gets thrown away ). But do to the fact that I love Nicole very much, I stuck with it and got past those moments.

It was clear that Nicole was maybe even a bit overwhelmed emotionally the first week at the change in her life, but that did pass. Everyday we come to terms with our two cultures mixing together. Luckily for me (well, kind of) that mostly means she is becoming more American. But this comes with time.

If your fiance' is like mine, she has lived with her parents her whole life until she met you. In the Vietnamese household, this is normal, but the difference in their culture is that as long as children remain in the house, a lot are still treated much like children, regardless of how old they are. This too creates a big change for them when they finally go out on their own. It's a bumpy ride, but if you know you love eachother, it's a ride you have to go through. It gets much better! And I have to say in Nicole's case, it hasn't really taken that long to adjust. In two weeks we celebrate our first year together in the US. Thanks to patience it won't be our last.

One other thing about your case- I remember this post from the old forum. Language, Fiancee Arrival

Your case is a good reason why the HCMC is usually so diligent in trying prevent this.

[dmartmar 1]

dmartmar, why do you criticise another person's advice?

I never criticized your, nor anyone else's advice. If you go over and re-read the OP's opening statements, his complaint is about his fiance not being affectionate towards him at home. He never mentions anything about public displays of affection.

[aussiewench 9]

(like when I found out that "cleaning the house" meant all of my old stuff gets thrown away ).

Sorry but just had to say that gave me a good ole chuckle

[slim 1,525]

There is a reason that you get 90 days for a K-1 visa. That's so you can decide if it's going to be something you want to stick with. Take your time, push the wedding back if possible, and wait to see if her affection improves.

If you're not happy with the affection that she's showing you, you're not going to be happy down the road, uless that improves. Ensure it does, and if it doesn't, let her know that you can't go through with the marriage.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

dalegg has it down pat. PDA is a no-no to traditional Asian women. But once you are alone that goes out the door. I'll never forget the first chance my girl and I were alone in Paris and could kiss. She was so shy, but so nervous and so eager. By the time of our second meeting in Germany she through PDA rules out the door and would hold my hand and kiss me constantly.

Understand, she is a traditional girl. Sex is for the wedding night. But that does not mean EVERYTHING is for the wedding night!

In the case of the topic starter, reading another post of his I see his girl does not speak English and he does not speak Vietnamese. Frankly, I am nothing but suspicious of this situation. I feel for the guy and hope I am wrong. But it doesn't look good.

[I'm Gone 60]

I have seen this movie and I say it ends up at Disneyland. LOL

Can you say bholiday? LOL