educate me, please!

[MikelanNida 28]

Whoah! I wouldn't send that kind of money to ANYONE in my family, without knowing where it is going or being used for, for one.

Pardon me for asking, but why are you sending her that much money without any explanation or reason behind it? IMO, that's not only red flag for you to be aware of, but a red flag to the Consulate during the interview process, because he's going to probably ask her what you should be asking - what is all the money being used for?

the money was sent over time, a few hundred a month, i know she doesn't have a job so i send it for everyday living expenses. No i dont ask for an itemized account for the money, but i am sure she is putting it to good use, thanks for the concern but i think everything is fine.

Edited October 28, 2010 by MikelanNida

[one...two...tree 2,762]

the money was sent over time, a few hundred a month, i know she doesn't have a job so i send it for everyday living expenses. No i dont ask for an itemized account for the money, but i am sure she is putting it to good use, thanks for the concern but i think everything is fine.

Ok. I don't think it's necessary to itemize every expenditure as long as you know where the money is going. You just made it sound like you were giving money and you had no idea where it was going, when in reality you actually do have a good idea what she is using it for. And this isn't about trust, but of accountability. Being dependent on the other financially is a tricky thing because it often clouds or distorts judgment of both partners.

[Kevin- 13]

I am one of the "fortunate" who has a lady who is not seeking out a westerner to make the family rich back home, nor to live an extravagant lifestyle. However, some of her family there give her a very hard time emotionally by expecting or even somewhat demanding it. Even in this, though, I consider us blessed since it is not the majority of the family who act this way.

One of her sisters seems to have the attitude that Bel needs to get a job right away and send all or most of the money back to them. That sister and her husband seem to already be counting on money from us, even though Bel has flat out said to her "I'm going to the US to get married and be a wife, not to work." While it could be that Bel might want to get a job, I don't want her to work just for the sake of earning her own money and especially not for some obligation of making the family back home lazy. My income will be fine, and it will be "our income". If she wants to get a regular job, I want her reasoning to be for the fun or experience of the job itself.

There seems to be a very high tendency for "the family" back home in many cases (not just ours) to want to become rich from their daughters/sisters going to America. Sure, Bel could get a full time job making a few hundred bucks a month, and send it all to them, and it would make them a very rich family. But in my opinion, and hers, that would actually be a disservice to them. It's the same concept of spoiling children. You don't want your child to become a lazy over-dependent brat.

Beware of the possibility of family members in the Philippines trying to create "emergencies" to get money. It could start out slow and then turn in to a monthly ritual of needing some kind of emergency funds.

It is possible to be both loving and financially responsible. Being loving often means making the unpopular, responsible choices.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I am one of the "fortunate" who has a lady who is not seeking out a westerner to make the family rich back home, nor to live an extravagant lifestyle. However, some of her family there give her a very hard time emotionally by expecting or even somewhat demanding it. Even in this, though, I consider us blessed since it is not the majority of the family who act this way.

One of her sisters seems to have the attitude that Bel needs to get a job right away and send all or most of the money back to them. That sister and her husband seem to already be counting on money from us, even though Bel has flat out said to her "I'm going to the US to get married and be a wife, not to work." While it could be that Bel might want to get a job, I don't want her to work just for the sake of earning her own money and especially not for some obligation of making the family back home lazy. My income will be fine, and it will be "our income". If she wants to get a regular job, I want her reasoning to be for the fun or experience of the job itself.

There seems to be a very high tendency for "the family" back home in many cases (not just ours) to want to become rich from their daughters/sisters going to America. Sure, Bel could get a full time job making a few hundred bucks a month, and send it all to them, and it would make them a very rich family. But in my opinion, and hers, that would actually be a disservice to them. It's the same concept of spoiling children. You don't want your child to become a lazy over-dependent brat.

Beware of the possibility of family members in the Philippines trying to create "emergencies" to get money. It could start out slow and then turn in to a monthly ritual of needing some kind of emergency funds.

It is possible to be both loving and financially responsible. Being loving often means making the unpopular, responsible choices.

Kevin, I think you're making a lot of assumptions. You're used to living in a social welfare state (Social Security, Medicare, Food Stamps), where in the Philippines, your family is really your only social safety net. Most Filipinos have no real health insurance, so if Uncle Johnny needs a brain tumor removed, you better be prepared to help out. If you give your wife grief every time her family asks for help, you might find yourself driving a wedge between you and your wife, as blood is thicker than water.

[SuperDuper! 230]

Man, who keeps bringing down the room?!

[Jen&defs 0]

Hello everyone! thanks for the advice, and let me clarify,the money is not the problem or the source of my fears, it was the loss of trust the guy must have felt when he sees someone he totally trusts attempting to send money behind his back, i have sent thousands to my fiancee and never asked what she use it for, and i have xoom records which i sent in as evidence to prove it. So basically i just had a concern since she never brought it up to me. I am willing to do what is necessary to have a happy healthy relationship, she is an equal partner in this and i do feel whats mine is hers too. I encourage her to tell me all her hopes, dreams , and expectations, because i am here to help make them all come true, it is a true love we have no matter where she is from and i know our love will last a lifetime! thanks again, and keep it coming, there is no such thing as learning too much.

[Kevin-n-Merlaine 14]

We send money as often as we can. My wife's family never makes any demands but I know they need what ever we're able to send. In most cases, once you hit 30 or so, you're not very employable. Unless you are able to run your own business of some sort you're pretty much out of luck. Age discrimination is awful and most of the jobs go to the 20-somethings - the rest of the jobs are either inherited or go to friends. I know that's not necessarily the case in every province but it's pretty much the standard where my wifes family is. The older siblings are all either in Manila or abroad leaving all the little ones at home with the parents. It can be tricky to talk about but you can get a pretty good idea of what will be expected (or hoped for) just by looking at her families condition, living arrangement and how it operates now. I knew when I met my wife that her family would need help. They don't expect anything but if all the older kids didn't help, they'd starve sitting in the dark. I would guess that unless you can tell that her family is "well off" by Filipino standards, they'll be hoping to have a little help from you.

[BigJohn 4]

She may not expect you to send money but she may be planning on working and sending money. Mine has made it very clear that she wants to work when we get to the US so she can help the family out. I don't mind sending a little money each month tho so she may not have to. Her mother is my mothers age,and her father is dead. My mom is retired. Her mom raised a wonderful daughter and has lived a long life and I don't think she should have to spend her last years working manual labor if we can help her out. Her mom lives with us now and plans to move when our lease is up here and we are gone. They are used to living cheap so it does not cost much to support her I am lucky that they never ask for money or loans unless someone is really ill and they need money or medicine, and usually it's not much. I think part of the key is making it clear up front that you are not going to support the entire family. But most of us would help our own parents (unless you have a bad relationship) if they needed it... so it is not abnormal for filipinas to want to help heir family. If you don't, and she knows you are able, she is going to think less of you that is for sure. Unless you are lucky enough to date a filipina from a family that makes a good living, this just goes with the territory. You just have to figure out how far you are willing to go and where to draw the line. My line is immediate family and keeping them from dieing/starving... beyond that it is up to them. We are going to bring her mother to the US once my wife gets her citizenship.

[maximus 0]

For myself I have helped my fiancees family a few times for emergencies and part of what I send my fiancee every month she gives to her family for food and other needs.

If it's a large amount of monies is needed then I would require proof with accountability and I would expect the others in the family to assist also not only myself.

I find that unless the fiancee has lived in the states for a amount of time they have no idea of how expensive things are here and how most of us need to budget to pay the bills every month.

In my case after I pay the mortgage, utilities, food, gas to work etc. Im left with about a few hunderd dollars to save for emergencies, so I plan when she arrives to put it all on the table to show this is the amount coming in and this is what we pay so she can understand theres not much left over.

Of course as other have stated the communuication before hand is also a must and her expectations once she here.

[Atencio 43]

Yes it can be a very touchy subject. I send my wife money and one day asked what I assumed was an innocent question on how the family got by before when they were surviving on less. Meaning like, did they eat different cheaper foods, etc. She took it to mean that I thought she was a gold digger and was throwing her families poverty in her face. So I guess my lesson learned was to tread carefully when discussing anything that might insinuate gold digging. When my wife comes here I will help the family but she has asked me if she works can she send money to family, which I think is a better option.

[rlogan 2,036]

Communication is key when it comes to this touchy subject. As a Filipina, my wife is all about her family. However, she has assured me that she has no desire to support her family once she is here. We discussed this very subject at length, so neither of us is surprised when she steps off the plane. Alot of people will say that when you marry a Filipina, you marry the family. This is very true in many ways. I have only met her family once, but feel as though I have been a part of their family my entire life. Her family has asked for help occasionally, but my wife has no problem telling them what we can and cannot do. Communication between you, your wife-to-be and her family is soooo important!

So nicely written. Well done. A lot of others made nice contributions too.

Best of luck to you MikelanNida - you can help the family without it resulting in manipulative behavior on their part.

Our long, long run solution is that we are sending one of the sons to Merchant Marine school with the explicit agreement that when the parents are too old to work anymore he is the one taking care of them. It is only about 22,000 pesos a year for three years and then a year of apprenticeship.

They were amongst the poorest of the poor before. I got her father a job and he's been working continuously for over two years now, and the son will be going to college with excellent career prospects.

Edited November 29, 2010 by rlogan

[R&W 5]

I don't have so much wisdom to share but I can share my experience.

My former fiance (now hubby) only sent me money for wedding expenses. I was working so I din't need help from him.

I set-up a spreadsheet for our wedding budget vs actuals.

From my first pay check after college, I was giving my parents 3K a month. That's sort of my room rent .

One month just before our wedding, I resigned from work. From then on, my hubby equalled my paycheck and a little bit more.

.. that means the 3K every month continued ...

When I got here.... hmmm... what ya think? Am I a gold digger because I still need to send money back home?

The first month I got here, hubby volunteered to give my parents $100 a month. ... (I started working after 7 months of being bummed)

... just look at it this way... my parents found the comfort of 3K pesos a month from me. ... if I stop doing that, that would give them stress on looking for some 3K or tighten their belts to help with food and bills. We're not talking about because my parents can't support themselves. Both of my parents were retired teachers. Have some houses for rent. But it was my pleasure to give them 3K every month. Just to see their look on their faces. Everyone grow old and fade. But those smiles I will treasure forever.

My dad passed away two years after I entered the United States. But I will never forget those hugs and kisses that my proud daddy gave away every time I give.

We sent my sister and sister-in-law to college. That way we won't be hearing a lot of "help me" stuff from them. (Recently graduated-both of them)

Up to this day, my mom receives the gift from us.

I know everyone's financial situation is different. Maybe if it was a little harder, I may not have done it. But all I know is that there's joy in an honest giving.