I am facing a dilemma, she is back.

[Ban Hammer 13,344]

personally, no - i'd not take her back. the way i look at things, lotsa water passed under the bridge for many gals in my past. what we had then was then, time and emotions move on.

i also remember that i'd spent my time, emotions, and money during that relationship all for naught, and refuse do so again (ya know the story: fool me once, shame on me...).

i still talk to some gals from way back when, on a friendship basis, but never would i go down that road again with any of them.

[luckytxn 2,264]

I personally would not go back down that road again but if you do decide to do so then you must treat this time around as a new road and start afresh. There are a couple of times when I read the initial that I had alarm bells go off. You need to proceed cautiously relearn everything about her and most of all see if she has grown up and is really ready to go out among the adults as a mature woman. This is a huge decision and one no one wants to regret their decisions. The only way to not regret is to take time and patience.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Also, you should find out EXACTLY what went on in her previous relationship. I do recall a post long ago about someone who was asked what happened with their exes relationship and they had no idea. I'm not sure what happened but it would be good to know EVERYTHING and not be caught "not knowing" when it matters most.

**Also, not that you asked.. I wouldn't take her back. It's been 2 long years. Have you heard from her during that time? If she sincerely loved you and missed you you'd have heard from her LONG before now. Now I can't help but think she only wants to marry you for the "clean start" of life in the US after failing at home. You should never settle for second best. How long after you and she broke up did she marry this other guy? How long after you broke up did they start dating? I understand cold feet but I don't understand giving up on the relationship all together. No. If she loved you enough she would have tried at least.

[Darnell 8,478]

After some thought on this -

I'm thinking

'to go to America'

will be the best way, for her, to slough off this extreme 'loss of face' that she's had, with her family.

So keep that in mind, I smell some manipulation in there, somewhere, on her part.

[dan_ling 6]

Yep, when interviewing for Visa I am sure the questions will come up of your meeting 3 years back and her getting married then divorcing and then continueing with this relationship. There will be a lot of explaining to do.

[thongd4me 69]

As long as the divorce is final and appropriately documented, USCIS probably won't care. The consulate, however, may be a different story. There are some "fickle" aspects to your ex's behavior that could call into question her judgment, and by extension her level of commitment. You may want to consider thinking twice about reconnecting with her, and also consult some of the wise members in the China regional subforum here.

That rings a ding-dong bell with me; my Japanese ex wife did everything

she could to please me up to but not including our wedding day.

Once we were married, she treated me abusively but I was foolishly optimistic

that she would see I wasn't her enemy. The story of her life is she wants everything

on her terms and at her convenience. I waited way too long to divorce her (after 2 kids

and a mortgage) but waited until the mortgage was paid off so I wouldn't be too much

in the gutter trying to pay for 2 separate households. If I still had to pay the mortgage off

during the divorce there would not have been enough money to go around.

My suggestion to the OP is to welcome her renewed interest, but take this new

chapter in your lives very slow and spend some extended visits with her and see

how she relates to her family, friends & co-workers. That, ultimately is how she

will treat you. I did this with due diligence with my Thai wife and never regretted it.

The pic looks stunning but the expression on her face says "Don't get in my

way while I'm shopping at Gucci." - shoot me for cynicism

Edited October 8, 2010 by thongd4me

[LGC 2]

After some thought on this -

I'm thinking

'to go to America'

will be the best way, for her, to slough off this extreme 'loss of face' that she's had, with her family.

So keep that in mind, I smell some manipulation in there, somewhere, on her part.

+1

[LGC 2]

spend some time with her in person. get to know her again, 3 years can change a person. especially what she just went through. and make sure she want to be with you for you and not her mom or her way as darnell put it "slough off this extreme 'loss of face'".

[thongd4me 69]

spend some time with her in person. get to know her again, 3 years can change a person. especially what she just went through. and make sure she want to be with you for you and not her mom or her way as darnell put it "slough off this extreme 'loss of face'".

This is extremely important - does she treat friends & family with kindness or disrespect and what is their opinion of her?

You don't have to know Chinese to get the meaning of in-person interactions; I didn't have to know Thai and I could see

everyone respected and loved my wife - that to me is a KEEPER.

[justashooter 430]

'to go to America'

will be the best way, for her, to slough off this extreme 'loss of face' that she's had, with her family.

this is a complicated situation, but we can add in some knowns that are prolly 80% spot on in my experience. the girl is xian, so from an area of china that is still very traditional in the zhonghuo sense. her thinking is prolly not like coastal thinking. she is not such a pretty girl, and appears to be about or past the age by which a girl is expected to either be married or engaged. pressure is on her right now.

the internet cafe guy was prolly her way of trying to appease family (social unit) and "just do something". it didn't work out, so she divorced (takes 15 minutes in a government office and costs about 15 yuan). divorce after quick marriage is rare in central china, but i do know 2 girls who had similar short marriages. neither was highly regarded by peers, but there was not much lost face. it was chalked up to stupidity in both cases, prolly because neither marriage involved a big wedding banquet. if there had been a big family banquet, more loss.

you are ABC, so you don't understand chinese girls. i lived in Henan for 5 years about 3 hours drive from xian, so can tell you that they are in transition right now. they have lots of pressure to create an image that meets the expectation of the current media which floods china anywhere and everywhere, and are trying to emulate western ideals and fashions and behaviours without really understanding them at any more than a surface level. their mothers tell them one thing, and society tells them 7000 other things.

forget the "we were in a relationship for 3 years" #######. you sent e-mails to an e-mail address for 3 years. forget the "i'm gonna get a chinese girl off the internet" idea. tidy up your life and move to china for a few years. get to know a bunch of chinese girls. teach english at a graduate school (easier to get a job doing than you think) or work for a western company (if you speak mandarin).

chinese girls are an unpredictable mess right now. they don't know who they are, and don't know even who they are expected to be. you have to find one and take time to get to know her. even then you won't know her. if she's less than 28 she's gonna change. if she moves to America to be married to you she's gonna change. xian is good stock, like all of shanxxi and henan, but the relationship will be what you two make of it, and her mother is always going to be a part.

[pushbrk 12,894]

That I would need to find out, maybe have her explain more about what happened in that relationship. I am thinking the consulate may question her about her short marriage and resulting divorce. Would the USCIS think her motives are to come to the US and get a green card? She did have coldfeet just as I was about to submit all the forms in, just was missing her passport sized photos.

That's what the interview is about. I wouldn't worry so much about that aspect at this time. Since you must see her again before filing any petition, I suggest you build a documented genuine relationship and then proceed with a well documented petition and well prepared beneficiary.