Growing Old

[Marilyn. 340]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

*************************

You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when:

- You find yourself listening to talk radio.

- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

- Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black

Sabbath.

- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining them.

- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

- When jogging is something you do to your memory.

- Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.

- All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.

- You remember the Rolling Stones as a rock group, not a corporation.

- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

- You don't know how to operate a fax machine or a VCR.

- When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

[almaty 19]

so true

[Marilyn. 340]

To all you OWLS (Older Wiser Laughing Souls)

Wisdom from Grandpa......

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing! It's good for the soul .

And remember this motto;

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.

But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Diet Coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,....

"WOO HOO what a ride!"

Edited February 26, 2007 by MarilynP

[RubyWine 0]

My sides are hurting from laughing!! thanks

Pauline

[Marilyn. 340]

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat

his father down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the

administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by

and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left

side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed

and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled

several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

[Marilyn. 340]

What a difference 30 years makes......

1972: Long hair

2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high

2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG

2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock

2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool

2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot

2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems

2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints

2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed

2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW

2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead

2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint

2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones

2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principals office

2002: Calling the principals office

1972: Screw the system

2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco

2002: Costco

1972: Taking acid

2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test

2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever

2002: Depends

[Marilyn. 340]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

[Marilyn. 340]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[Marilyn. 340]

“Old” is when…

…your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

…you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

…going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

…you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

…when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

…”getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

…”getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

[Nessa 23]

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

“Old” is when…

… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

[Marilyn. 340]

“Old” is when…

… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

I must have been old my whole life then.. I have always had to go pee in the middle of the night