Growing Old

[Marilyn. 340]

Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Birthday Present

Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present."

He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I am yours for super sex", she answers.

He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup."

Ravages of Time

Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies. Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can’t bend my knee and I can’t hear anything but thank God I can still drive."

Old Couple Watching Chickens

Old couple watching chickens in yard. Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn.

Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?"

He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time.

What's in Your Ear

There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?"

The other, with a puzzled look, said, "I don't know", and reached up pulling out the object, then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!"

Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid."

Do you Remember

This old couple's sitting on their front porch rocking one morning, she says to him, "Do you remember what we were doing 50 years ago this morning?"

"Yes," he replies, "We was eating breakfast in the nude."

"That's right," she says, "Lets do it again and see if we can re-kindle some of those old feelings?"

"OK, "he agrees.

Later, as they were eating, she says "Pa. I think it's working. My boobs are as warm for you now as they ever were."

"Well, they ought to be," he says. "You got one ####### hanging in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

Do you know the four signs of growing old?

1. Forgetting names,

2. Forgetting faces,

3. Forgetting to zip up,

4. Forgetting to zip down

The Body of a 30 Year Old

Woman of advanced age goes for her annual physical examination. She returns home and tells her husband that the doctor told her she has the body of a 30 year old woman.

Her husband responds, "And what did he say about your big azz?"

She replied quickly, "Your name never came up, dear."

A Senior Couple went to the Doctor

A senior couple went to the doctor for the husbands annual checkup. The husband was hard of hearing so when the doctor called his name, He said what did he say, to his wife.

His wife said ,"it's your turn " and the man went in to be examined. When the doctor finished, They came out to the waiting room and the doctor explained to the wife that except for a slight hearing problem the man seemed to be in good shape.

He then said to the man that he would now need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. The man turned to his wife and said " What did he say" ".

The wife than said," Give him your under shorts".

Victoria Secret Valentine's Day Present

A man goes into Victoria Secret's to buy his wife a Valentine's day present. "I want something very shear," he asked.

"This is a shear nighty and its $200."

"Not shear enough" said the man.

"This one is much sheerer, but it costs $300," said the salesperson.

"Not shear enough," said the man.

"Well, this one is the most shear, and it is $500."

"Perfect, I'll take it." The man goes home and presents the gift to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and model it. The wife does, and sees the sales slip which he inadvertently left in the package. She thinks, $500 for this? I'll wrap it up to return it and keep the $500 for something else, it's so shear, he'll never know the difference. So she takes all her clothes off except for high heels and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"How do you like it?" she asks.

"Great," he answers, "but for $500 bucks you think they would at least iron it."

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Reasons it's good to be old!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People won't call past 8 PM because they are afraid they will wake you.

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You can get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You can have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You can quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into

the room.

15. You can sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay

off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national

weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't

remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

[almaty 19]

sister lynee, those are funny..i like the soup one./..just good

[rejane 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

[almaty 19]

..i like those rabbits too..

[Marilyn. 340]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS !!

[crazyinEgypt 0]

[Jasman0717 9]

Growing old, I am already old

[Marilyn. 340]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER......... or now !!!

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

********************************************************************

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

********************************************************************

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

**************************************************************************

Thoughts for the week:

Someone admires your alligator shoes and you are barefoot.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember !

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart

[Veiled Princess 1]

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

Oh no! Maybe that's whats wrong with me!!! I get so flustered when I'm fussing at my kids that I don't know which one I'm calling anymore... Both of my kids now share a common name "Mynina" (Mike and Nina)... I have called "Mynina" so often that even my son now calls his sister "Mynina"

Edited May 1, 2006 by veiledprincesslayla

[snz1802 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_______________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENTCENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_______________________________________

[noemij 0]

[almaty 19]