Growing Old

[daisy16 0]

but never heard of burma shave

[Miranda&James 8]

You always have the best jokes!

[Marilyn. 340]

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a beautiful Rolex watch."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," the artist said.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he would remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for all that jewelry."

[Marilyn. 340]

An elderly couple walks into a restaurant and sit next to a young man. The old man goes and orders the food while the old lady sits down and waits for him. The old man comes back with a hamburger and some fries. Gingerly, he takes a knife and cuts the hamburger in one half and counts the same amount of fries for each of them. The young man felt sorry for them and offered to buy her the same kind of meal but the old guy said no thanks and that they have always shared everything all their life and that is the way they like it. The old man is busy eating his half of the hamburger and his fries but the old lady is not touching hers.

The young man said to the old lady - 'Madam, why aren't you eating too?"

She replies " because I'm waiting for his teeth"

[Marilyn. 340]

____________________________________________________________________

Old Age 1:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.

For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Old Age 2:

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said,"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Old Age 3

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be Losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red And they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Sh!t! Am I driving?"

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[almaty 19]

Marilyn, as always a good laugh brightens my day

[Marilyn. 340]

Mid-life Is When You...

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.

This gives us plenty of time

to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms,

we have wingspans.

We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts,

we are flying squirrels in drag.

~~~~~~~~~

Mid-life is when you can

stand naked in front of a mirror

and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram

and you realize that this is the only time

someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life brings wisdom to know

that life throws us curves and

we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all,

beeper-wearing teenager and think:

"For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go.

In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake

now includes Legs By Rand McNally --

more red and blue lines

than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...

You start pondering the "big" questions.

What is life? Why am I here?

How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat

before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it

an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double,

but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.

Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now

for the body you had way back when?

~~~~~~~~

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand

to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

Edited March 3, 2006 by MarilynP

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

NO NURSING HOME FOR ME

About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western

Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly

lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main

dining room.

I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all

seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady

was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew

that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say

hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for

the last four cruises."

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand"

She replied without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and

feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost

for a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at

Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of

$135 per day.

That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the

restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast

in bed every day of the week.)

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free

washers and dryers and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5

worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress

replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your

inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for

them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare.

If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you

to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama

Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to

go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing

home, just call shore to ship.

PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at

no charge!

[Marilyn. 340]

It was fun being a baby boomer ... until now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate again baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. TheTemptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson--- On the 'mode Again

17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To

[Marilyn. 340]

HOW TO STAY YOUNG AND HAPPY

1. Throw out all the nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them -- that is why you pay him.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few of your relatives to do the job.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let your brain idle.

4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

5. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is yourself.

6. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

7. Cherish your health. If it is good -- preserve it. If it is unstable -- improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve -- get help.

8. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country but not to guilt.

9. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

10. And remember that Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take ... But by the moments that take our breath away!

[Marilyn. 340]

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to

her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to

scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran

like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her

shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason

she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two

12 packs in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces

farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police

station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were

reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,

less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

MORAL OF THE STORY?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

[Marilyn. 340]

Things you learn as you get older....

1. You learn that you cannot make someone love you. All

you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

2. You learn that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

3. You learn that no matter how much you care, some people are just jackazzes.

4. You learn that it takes years to build up trust,

and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

5. You learn that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

6. You learn that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -

they are more screwed up than you think.

7. You learn that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. You learn that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

9. You learn that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

10. You learn to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

11. You learn that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

12. You learn that age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

13. You learn that you don't suffer from insanity, you enjoy it.

14. You learn that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

15. You learn that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

16. You learn that 99% of the time when something isn't

working in your house, one of your kids did it

17. You learn that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

18. You learn that the people you care most about in life

are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones

just never go away. And the real pains in the azz are permanent.

[Marilyn. 340]

An Old Farmer's Advice

1. Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong

...and watch out where you're steppin.

2. Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

3. Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

5. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

6. Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

7. Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

8. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

9. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

10. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

11. You cannot unsay a cruel word.

12. Every path has a few puddles.

13. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

14. The best sermons are lived, not preached.

15. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

16. Don't judge folks by their relatives.

17. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

18. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

19. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

20. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

21. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

22. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

23. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

24. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

25. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

26. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

27. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Edited March 23, 2006 by MarilynP