Growing Old

[Marilyn. 340]

A New Wine For Seniors!!

[Bootylicious!! 2]

[Marilyn. 340]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following the loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "Are you OK??!"

"I'm great! I just won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

[Peter Miami 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

The Vicar's Surprise

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea, " he said, " I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (Pointing to the bowl.)

Oh, yes, " she replied, " Isn't 't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

[Marilyn. 340]

Old age is when your dreams are dry and your farts are wet!

[Marilyn. 340]

THE ELDERLY WEDDING

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,

antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here, please."

[Marilyn. 340]

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how they should present themselves. They are unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as they try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Mini-skirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7 A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

13. Thongs and Depends

[Marilyn. 340]

One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn't help notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his grandmother did.

"Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v-vibrators here?"

"Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.

"B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the old lady.

"Yes ma'am, we have some like that."

"The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"

"Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said the young clerk.

"The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?"

"Yes ma'am we carry some like that."

"Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?"

[AnaAndDaniel 0]

oh mar, how do you find all of these. frigin hilarious.

Daniel

:energetic:

[Marilyn. 340]

oh mar, how do you find all of these. frigin hilarious.

Daniel

:energetic:

I will never tell

[almaty 19]

funny as always marilyn

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

A Winnipeg transit bus driver was driving a bus full of seniors around the city when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on His shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady, "why do you do not eat the peanuts yourselves?"

She replies," It is impossible because of our old teeth. We are not able to chew them."

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Where upon the old lady answers, "We just like the chocolate around them."

[Marilyn. 340]

I don't remember...do you?

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs

TRAINS DON'T WANDER

ALL OVER THE MAP

'CAUSE NOBODY SITS

IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP

Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE

Burma Shave

Remember these?

For those who never saw any of the BurmaShave signs, here

is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s. Before there

were Interstates when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave

signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were

small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each

containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet...... and the obligatory 5th sign

advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED

NEXT IS NOT AMUSING

Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING, NURSE

Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER

TO HER RECKLESS DEAR

LET'S HAVE LESS BULL

AND MORE STEER

Burma Shave

SPEED ! WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT

TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT

Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER

HEMISPHERE

Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN'T IT?

Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU

Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES

A CAR WIDE OPEN

IS NOT THINKIN'

HE'S JUST HOPIN'

Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY

Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT'S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER'S CODE

Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING

Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH

DRIVER IN TREE

THE MOON WAS FULL

AND SO WAS HE.

Burma Shave !

And my all time favorite:

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW

Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child.

If they do - then you're old as dirt...