Moroccan Culture?

[JeanneVictoria 55]

This is a very American attitude - and it is your cultural perogative to think that way. In the US, we expect that our parents have saved lots of money for retirement and that they can "hold their own" so to speak. Whereas, in other countries, especially in third world nations, one's children are expected to contribute to the well-being (food, clothing, and housing) of their aged parents, to the education of younger siblings, and for major events like a family member's wedding. A friend of mine from MENA sends home about $50,000 a year to his family (he does very well for himself). His money provides a comfortable living environment for his parents, he has put his two brothers through medical school and he has paid for his sisters weddings. He wouldn't blink an eye about sending anything home - he considers it an honor to do so and he knows that his parents rely on his contributions.

We send money home to Argentina - we aren't able to send more than about $200 a month - but that is $800 pesos, which helps them live comfortably.

I will say that for as religious a country as we are, we truly do fail on the whole concept of "honor thy mother and thy father". Just sayin'.

I don't agree with this Staashi. If something happens to our parents that they need our help, then by all means help them. Doesn't mean to take your

salary (perhaps only one person is working or on unemployment) and make sure they are taken care of and your own family hasn't enough

for milk and bread. Yes the cultures are different. If one has the money to send, then send it. I just wonder what these people did before their sons

came to the states. We send gifts to Wael's parents and if we send money it is to pay for something we ASKED for. They do not expect Wael

to send them money every month. This has never been brought up. It's always at the discretion of what someone wants to do, if you can afford it then do it,

but not at the expense of depriving your own immediate family.

[nurse1967 287]

Jeanne EXACTLY. You do have to wonder how these people made it before their relatives come into the cash cow known as America. My parents are by NO MEANS well off. They are 70 and 67 and both still do odd jobs after retirement to be able to afford extras. I can't help but think some of these families are taking advantage of the situation. But, if you are willing to enable those type of behaviors then I guess you can't really complain about it either. I certainly WOULD help my in-laws if something came up as an EMERGENCY. But there is no way I would support my household AND my in-laws just because I had the means to do so. In my opinion that would be taking away money and resources that are meant to take care of my OWN family's needs.

[sandinista! 1,816]

muslim men are required to provide for their wives and children before anyone else sees a dime though. regardless of any other family members' situation, where they live, etc. yr wife and children come first. if yr wife makes more money than you do in the us, but is still struggling to pay household bills, but yr sending money overseas that's needed in yr own household, that's disgraceful and dishonorable. i can't fathom men doing that because it's so appalling and wrong.

[Staashi 371]

I don't agree with this Staashi. If something happens to our parents that they need our help, then by all means help them. Doesn't mean to take your

salary (perhaps only one person is working or on unemployment) and make sure they are taken care of and your own family hasn't enough

for milk and bread. Yes the cultures are different. If one has the money to send, then send it. I just wonder what these people did before their sons

came to the states. We send gifts to Wael's parents and if we send money it is to pay for something we ASKED for. They do not expect Wael

to send them money every month. This has never been brought up. It's always at the discretion of what someone wants to do, if you can afford it then do it,

but not at the expense of depriving your own immediate family.

Jeanne, I would never expect anyone to send more than what they can afford to send. If you don't have it, you don't have it. Now that my DH has lost his job, we'll have to reevaluate what is being sent. But, when you marry, you know if your inlaws have means to take care of themselves or if they need money to live. My in-laws own their home, but our money helps with food, electric, sometimes taxes. They do with it what they need. I knew though going into my marriage that my husband contributed a good portion of his salary each month to his parents when he was home and that taking the primary breadwinner of the family away was going to be very hard on them.

Wael's parents seem to be well off - good for you guys. But, I can tell you this, your case is not the norm.

[MrsAmera 41]

I agree with Staashi. The issue of sending money home should be discussed pre-marriage and should be something that is expected to occur down the road. I think this is the one sore spot Americans have. Odds are good your SO won't even think of discussing this because it's just something that's assumed to occur. The American partner doesn't think of discussing it because it's just something we don't do. We send what we can, when we can. I used to be resentful to this instead thinking "gee wouldn't it be nice to upgrade the car" or "gosh I sure would like to have a newer cell phone" but then I pulled myself back and realized that my MIL and SIL's are struggling daily to provide for themselves and their children. I also know that if we were in need and they were in a position to help they would no matter what. My husband left Morocco and came to the US for me, to have a family and live here. Were he living in Morocco he would be helping to support his mother and sisters.

Back to the OP - sounds like your husband is saving face with his family and at first my husband felt that sending $300 a month was a requirement, it had to happen - that much no matter what. It took time for him to see how life/bills/cost of living worked here. I was patient and we always sent what we could back. He operates on the same principal now. Sending what he can, whether it's $100 or $300 when it's possible. So yes sometimes the attitude does change.

As for cheating - never ever acceptable. My initial thoughts are that he was angry and upset about the money situation and hostility that went on and decided to look elsewhere for the "comforts" of home, whether that is a cup of coffee, conversation, or affection. I don't condone adultery or cheating in any way shape or form, but I would be remiss not to mention this.

[itsallgood 1]

Q: Are there any wives who have successfully changed their husband's behavior in this respect?

A: I don't think so -- no matter how they tries. Trying to change your husband behavior is controlling -- since your husband remembers his parents here he is a good man, Simply sit down and show him the reality of your financial situation, talk to him about a plan that will fit your budget and have a fixed amount of money to send home . to avoid any surprises budgets wise

You know as a Moroccan, and I know all Moroccan are the same they will not let you down once they feel secured, putting your husband down will result a situation you will not like down the road. We know our responsibilities for the wives under god's will, and also we know our responsibility toward our parents and family –

Simply : No game No Pain

I have learned that it is ok for your husband to change you and make you do something when you say no (saying no because you don't have $ to send or you can't afford it, etc.), but 'changing' your husband to realize that you wish to be respected when you say no - not because you 'hate' his family or are being mean or 'cocky' but because it is every right of every human being to know what is ok or what is not ok for them. Disagreeing with my husband = him cheating and me getting 'punished' by the silent treatment for days or weeks at a time; my husband disagreeing with me = him cheating and me getting 'punished' by the silent treatment for days or weeks at a time. This to me is being controlling when one is not allowed to have a different opinion without revengeful punishment. Disagreeing with my husband means I am 'putting him down' and as stated above "will result in a situation you will not like down the road". That result is the wife will be cheated on and be punished with silence.

I can't remember anymore how many times we have "Simply sit down and show him the reality of your financial situation, talk to him about a plan that will fit your budget and have a fixed amount of money to send home . to avoid any surprises budgets wise". I can't remember anymore how many times I was surprised by money being sent home when we didn't have money for food, rent, or to make a car payment. So many surprises that left me not able to buy birthday gifts or Christmas gifts. I don't ever want to see the look on my kids' face again when I have to say I will have to wait to get your gifts.

Well if he is not willing to put some effort into reparing this relationship then I think you know the answer. It takes two to make a marriage, or any relationship, and the problems therein. Hell, maybe the therapist will say it is all your fault. lol

LOL My husband, the therapist; if anyone needs someone to blame; I'm here!!

My perception of your posts is that you are embarrassed of letting your family, or people close to you in Morocco, know that you can not afford, at this time, to send the amount you are sending. Do you not think if you got yourself financially stable in the U.S., meaning taking care of your family in the U.S. and then sending your family in Morocco what you can without going into debt, that soon you will be able to send them the amount you think is appropriate for a comfortable life?

There is a lot of pride in showing family and friends that you are wealthy I have learned; at least in this particular case. Going into debt, ruining credit, etc. is better than just coming out and saying that you will have to wait or that you don't have it now. I believe that pride is one of the 7 deadly sins. Pride comes just before a fall, etc. I try very hard to not let pride make my decisions because they never turn out to be good ones if I do. Pride in this case is more important than saving yourself and your immediate family.

We have had this conversation many times: pay the bills here, help with debt here, set a certain amount of money that you will send each month to your family, etc. It is agreed upon, but never followed through on.

for those who are having issues over money sent to family overseas, was it something discussed prior to getting married, and then re-neged on, or did it not come up until later? if the latter, why the he!! wasn't it part of yr marriage arrangements/contract?

It was discussed prior to getting married and then reneged on. I had so many promises of helping me get out of debt before he got here. When he did get here, I was criticized for how I managed money. There seems to be this concept of since I work period, I should be able to have enough money to live very well, have no debt, buy whatever I want when I want, and have enough for him to spend however he wants and send money home to his family. If only life were that easy.

We do not have a problem with the sending money to his family. We agree on sending money to his mother since his father has passed away during times for her birthday and when she needs money for medicine. He does know that he has to take care of his life here.

You are very lucky. That sounds like a very peaceful way to live.

I am just thankful that my in-laws are well off and don't expect us to support them. I personally would resent supporting ANYONE on a monthly basis outside my immediate household.

What I resent is trying to support someone else when we can't support ourselves. I read and researched what I would be getting myself into when I married my husband and knew that he would send money home. I made it clear to him that I have no problem with him sending money home. His brother send $200/month home and I was fine with sending that much AFTER we could eat and live. I'm not greedy, no matter what my husband will say or thinks of me (please see below). All I want is to know that there is enough money for the basic needs of life for myself and my family and for any surprises that come up as they always do in life. I don't like living in a way I have to search for all the loose change in the car and house and pockets so that I can buy food to eat. When we bring home ~10K/month after taxes and have ~3K in monthly expenses. Why should I be looking for change for food???!!

I will say that for as religious a country as we are, we truly do fail on the whole concept of "honor thy mother and thy father". Just sayin'.

What is difficult is bringing two cultures together where there are completely opposite views on the responsibilities of children. In MENA countries it is expected that the children support the parents when the children live on their own. In the U.S., once the children live on their own (sometimes before) they are responsible for themselves and it is up to them to save money for their future. There is no relying on children or anyone else to do it for you. If parents in the U.S. have planned well, they have enough of their own money to live on and don't need to rely on their children for basic needs.

I whole heartedly agree that the U.S. fails in many ways with the concept of "honor they mother and thy father". We have built a society where it is every man for themselves and we created a world where it is nearly impossible to live in the U.S. without a two-income household. We end up paying a lot of money for other people to take care of our kids and our elderly family members have to use whatever they have left to pay for a nursing home to live in until they pass away. I don't think this is how we are supposed to live and our youth reflects it.

[itsallgood 1]

Hello,

This is a very sensitive topic to discuss around all cultures. Many of us who had been raised in a 3rd world country understand what it means to support other family members who are in need.

Growing up, I saw my parents struggle to make ends needs, and when dad finally opened his own clinic he was doing well, and to be honest many of extend family members were living off my dad medical help and his willing to support them although they had enough of asset to make it on their own. My mom was a super mom who helped her nephews and nieces throughout their childhood time.

Yet when the war started in Iraq and we had to leave, my family lost almost everything and when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and called her family for her to pay for medication, we got the deaf ear. Then we finally were able to sell the gold we have to pay for her medication, and after arriving into the US back in 1993 she did not even got the support of her brother here, we all had to start looking for jobs just a week from arriving in USA. I remember I started working after 20 days and my brother started after 10 days.

My mom passed away in 1995, and when my other family members in Iraq, Lebanon and Jordan needed money I used to send and help, taking it away from my mouth and helping them, but my dad was upset because he always remembers when we needed help but no one offered.

Today, I help some family but not a whole lot, because I discovered some people say they need support but they go spend it on luxury items which I could prohibit myself from them. I don’t send the 5K like I used to do, but now I send 200 to 500 Max.

When I met my husband, we talked about helping family only closest ones, nothing like cousins and others outside the close circle. Yet he also understands that we need to pay our 2 homes and also save for the future. Once he starts working we agreed that his paycheck will go to pay off the 2 mortgages and I will still support the house bills, and any other stuff. We agreed we will help family but after we discuss how much we can help them with.

It is part of our love to our parents and family to support them, but also we need to look at our self. We are not putting our family in homeless homes but also we are not promising them mansions to live in.

I have many friends who sent loads of money to their family in Iraq because they felt bad for them not able to work, yet these families were spending left of right close to 1000 dollars a month on stupid things while the folks over here working 2 jobs to help them.. Isn’t this a classic case of being run by so called “love your family!!”

//Batta

I am sorry you had to go through such a heartbreaking experience with family and the situation in Iraq. Even as an American, I can relate to seeing everything being taken away from my family. My father came from poverty and worked hard to save his parents home and farm while building his own farming business. He became very wealthy. He was surrounded by many kids he went to school with who were wealthy as well but only because they were handed down their wealth from generation after generation.

I grew up financially stable until the age of 12 when my father and our family lost everything during the farm crisis of the '80's. We were lucky to find a house to rent for $100/month and to have food given to us to eat. At the age of 14 I began working and I supported myself from that point on. I bought my own clothes, food; everything I needed I provided for myself. My brother and sister, mom and dad all had their own jobs. I feel very very very lucky to have a good work ethic instilled in me from a very young age and to have had the experience of supporting myself from a very young age because I know I will always have the instinct of survival no matter what my situation.

I have never had money given to me unless I worked for it. I know the value of a dollar and what it means to earn it. If I needed extra money, I would work extra to get it. Never did I have anyone to count on to give me money. I would take whatever job I needed-nothing was below me. The thought of asking or counting on someone to give me anything never crossed my mind because I didn't have anyone to ask. I remember being in college and having $3/week to live on. I remember a summer in college where I was waiting for a paycheck and had to go 3 days without eating. There were many times I was without money and I would have to wait and work before I got more. I paid for my own college. Whatever I have now is from hard work. None of it was handed to me.

It has been very very very hard for me to understand the mentality of money being easy to get and to give. I believe in paying tithing and helping those in need. I feel that it is not just important but necessary as a human being here on earth.

I have been told over and over that money isn't expected in Morocco and that Moroccans understand that money isn't growing on trees here but I just don't get the feeling that that is really the case. Everything, and I mean everything, revolves around money when it comes to Morocco in my experience. If people aren't getting it by working, they are getting it from overseas or by bribing or swindeling it out of another Moroccan. I know family is very very important in Morocco but money has to be almost as important if not as important; maybe even more so. It is a different culture. I know money is important here in America too but in Morocco, there is definitely a feel of desperation, of deserving to live a certain lifestyle and to show everyone around you that you are wealthy. Again, the same can be said about the U.S. but in Morocco it is almost a primal hunger; very embedded and feared there will never be enough.

I can only imagine that in a 3rd world country that this desperation comes from a very real and truly humbling place. I do feel that that feeling though very real at one time (and quite real for some now), has carried over into following generations where the desperation has gone from life and death to expecting and deserving money to live a life style that serves to impress others instead of fulfilling a real need. I will be slaughtered for sharing these thoughts, but this is from my experience and what I've felt and seen.

It's always at the discretion of what someone wants to do, if you can afford it then do it,

but not at the expense of depriving your own immediate family.

You are very lucky as well.

Jeanne EXACTLY. You do have to wonder how these people made it before their relatives come into the cash cow known as America. My parents are by NO MEANS well off. They are 70 and 67 and both still do odd jobs after retirement to be able to afford extras. I can't help but think some of these families are taking advantage of the situation. But, if you are willing to enable those type of behaviors then I guess you can't really complain about it either. I certainly WOULD help my in-laws if something came up as an EMERGENCY. But there is no way I would support my household AND my in-laws just because I had the means to do so. In my opinion that would be taking away money and resources that are meant to take care of my OWN family's needs.

There are always emergencies. I am fully aware that emergencies come up. I've had my fair share. However, every other phone call is an emergency it seems. The emergencies aren't just for a $100 or so, they are for $1,000's. I can't think of anytime that I've had to immediately come up with (as in that minute) a large amount of money and actually been able to do it for myself. I am expected to have it immediately whenever I am asked though. There are very few people that I've known in my lifetime that are able to come up with those amounts of money at any given moment. Yet I am supposed to be willing and able at any time. If not, I am punished in one way or another.

I find it even more surprising that his brother-in-laws have thousands in savings and they live in Morocco and always have. They don't have family outside of Morocco sending it to them that I am aware of so for the life of me I cannot understand how they are able to have that amount in savings when they make average to a mere above average salary ($250 - $400/month). I make a decent living and I don't have near the amount they do in a savings account. Not even close.

It makes me wonder how they got it and it really makes me wonder how the family survived before their son came here.

muslim men are required to provide for their wives and children before anyone else sees a dime though. regardless of any other family members' situation, where they live, etc. yr wife and children come first. if yr wife makes more money than you do in the us, but is still struggling to pay household bills, but yr sending money overseas that's needed in yr own household, that's disgraceful and dishonorable. i can't fathom men doing that because it's so appalling and wrong.

That is my understanding and my feelings as well. I don't know how a muslim man can feel good about himself when his own wife and family aren't able to eat all the while sending money to his parents. It really tells me that I am not really considered a wife by him and we are not considered part of his family. It is very clear how he feels about us. I didn't want to face that reality and kept thinking it was something cultural but my understanding of Islam and what is expected of a muslim man are quite different than what my husband has shown me.

Jeanne, I would never expect anyone to send more than what they can afford to send. If you don't have it, you don't have it. Wael's parents seem to be well off - good for you guys. But, I can tell you this, your case is not the norm.

'If you don't have it, you don't have it' is not a good enough excuse. It is assumed I am lying and that I am just wanting to pizz him off and to let his family suffer because I am greedy. Whether I have it or not is not the issue, the issue is his family needs it and I must accomidate them at all costs. It is my responsibility to call the creditors, the landlord, etc. to let them know they aren't going to get their money on time. It is my responsibility to deal with the outcome of not paying the bills; as long as his family is taken care of. If I don't, then I will be punished with an affair or with silence.

I did not realize this going into the marriage. If I knew this, I would not have married him. I learned at a very very young age what it means if you don't pay your bills. I watched my family lose EVERYTHING because of it. I learned that if you don't have money, you don't eat. Period. I can't even wrap my head around MAKING someone or FORCING someone to do anything if they didn't want to. Who am I to make anyone do anything? I don't automatically assume they won't do something because they are being greedy or plain unwilling. I believe they have their reasons and if they could, they would help. I sure as h@ll don't even have one thought in my head of punishing someone because they told me no.

[Staashi 371]

Sister Itsallgood - I just had a very vulgar thought about all of this, but here it is: Ever thought that maybe money is being sent home as a savings account for him so that if and when he leaves you he has a nice nest egg to go home to?

[moroccogirlny 100]

Sister Itsallgood - I just had a very vulgar thought about all of this, but here it is: Ever thought that maybe money is being sent home as a savings account for him so that if and when he leaves you he has a nice nest egg to go home to?

Exactly my thought!

[itsallgood 1]

Sister Itsallgood - I just had a very vulgar thought about all of this, but here it is: Ever thought that maybe money is being sent home as a savings account for him so that if and when he leaves you he has a nice nest egg to go home to?

Exactly my thought!

It has crossed my mind. Everything has crossed my mind. Believe me.

Is there anyone familiar with how much it would cost to have a stent placed after a stroke? In my experience, it is $5,000. How much for heart medication?

Or is anyone familiar with the way the court system works; attorneys, judges, etc. In my experience it is $1,200 for EVERY dealing with the court.

Just curious if anyone would know.

[itsallgood 1]

I agree with Staashi. The issue of sending money home should be discussed pre-marriage and should be something that is expected to occur down the road. I think this is the one sore spot Americans have. Odds are good your SO won't even think of discussing this because it's just something that's assumed to occur. The American partner doesn't think of discussing it because it's just something we don't do. We send what we can, when we can. I used to be resentful to this instead thinking "gee wouldn't it be nice to upgrade the car" or "gosh I sure would like to have a newer cell phone" but then I pulled myself back and realized that my MIL and SIL's are struggling daily to provide for themselves and their children. I also know that if we were in need and they were in a position to help they would no matter what. My husband left Morocco and came to the US for me, to have a family and live here. Were he living in Morocco he would be helping to support his mother and sisters.

Back to the OP - sounds like your husband is saving face with his family and at first my husband felt that sending $300 a month was a requirement, it had to happen - that much no matter what. It took time for him to see how life/bills/cost of living worked here. I was patient and we always sent what we could back. He operates on the same principal now. Sending what he can, whether it's $100 or $300 when it's possible. So yes sometimes the attitude does change.

As for cheating - never ever acceptable. My initial thoughts are that he was angry and upset about the money situation and hostility that went on and decided to look elsewhere for the "comforts" of home, whether that is a cup of coffee, conversation, or affection. I don't condone adultery or cheating in any way shape or form, but I would be remiss not to mention this.

I have always tried to be sensitive to the fact that he left behind his life to come here. After spending time there myself, I always come back wondering how hard it must be for him to live here in the states and be away from all of his family, the never-ending offerings of fresh, hot homemade meals and being waited on. He goes from a life of always a house full of family and children, everyone knowing him in the street and going to coffee with friends, etc. to a life of a self-imposed isolation aside from work and the little time he spends with our family. I've tried to provide as much as I could of things familiar from home by learning to cook Moroccan, making him breakfast, being 'obedient' about sending money, trying to keep a clean house, etc. He doesn't see that I've tried to do anything for him or tried to make him feel comfortable here at all. All I get told is that I don't know my responsibilities as a wife. I don't drink, don't smoke, strong in my faith, am a good (enough) mom, tried to do many many things so he would be happy but I could be do everything he asks and I would still be criticized for everything I do. No matter how perfect of a wife I would be, it would never be enough for him. I finally stopped trying. What's the use? Whether or not I do my 'responsibilities as a wife', I still get treated the same way.

I know he was looking for comfort from other women. I am a monster according to him and he can find another woman to treat him better.

I am very loving, affectionate, forgiving, understanding and caring. Anyone who knows me knows that I am these things. After so long of being put down and 'punished', I started losing any desire to please him. You get to a point where you realize that you start feeling worse and worse about yourself when whatever you do is not enough and you just stop trying. The result is the same either way.

I've always felt that he could take me or leave me and he's always made it clear to me that it is easy to find someone else. I question if I've ever been been the only woman in his life anyway.

[Golden Gate 530]

"I've always felt that he could take me or leave me and he's always made it clear to me that it is easy to find someone else. I question if I've ever been been the only woman in his life anyway. "

You will meet someone with whom you will never feel that way. That will be the person who loves you.

Edited September 30, 2010 by Golden Gate

[itsallgood 1]

"I've always felt that he could take me or leave me and he's always made it clear to me that it is easy to find someone else. I question if I've ever been been the only woman in his life anyway. "

You will meet someone with whom you will never feel that way. That will be the person who loves you.

Thank you Golden Gate. When the time is right I know he will show up.

I believe in love and marriage and that I have a lot to offer to that special someone. This one just wasn't the one.

[sussemadel 16]

Thank you Golden Gate. When the time is right I know he will show up.

I believe in love and marriage and that I have a lot to offer to that special someone. This one just wasn't the one.

You have a great attitude. Alot of women wouldn't be as positive as you are after being so emotionally abused

[itsallgood 1]

You have a great attitude. Alot of women wouldn't be as positive as you are after being so emotionally abused

Thank you sussemadel. Now that I've stepped back far enough away from it, I see how much abuse and deception and hate that he filled our life with. I know that this isn't how God wants anyone to live. I know that there was a reason I went through (and will continue to go through until it's over) all of this. I believe it was to realize that I am very strong and I don't have to put up with being abused and used. I can walk away with my head up and know that I gave it my all but to have a marriage with someone who is so mentally unstable and filled with soooooooooo much hate is absolutely impossible. I am sure that you all realize that what I shared here is only a tidbit of what he has done to our family over the past 5 years.

I know for certain I was used by him to get to the U.S. I didn't want to face that fact and worked very hard to convince mycessself that he loved me and our family. I guess I kept hanging on to the small, very very small, pieces of emotion he did show every once in a great while and that would hold me over enough to keep me in complete denial.

He was approved for his 10 year green card August 13, 2010. Once I can stomach it I will be back here to post all of the red flags that I COMPLETELY ignored from day one. Maybe I can save someone else from this pain and heartache and devestation. I cannot even begin to describe the pain that I'm feeling from finally facing the reality that I was used only to gain access to this country in order to provide his own family, in Morocco, the status of having money and wealth.

Money certainly is the root of all evil. And evil is what I have lived with.

He would have ended up killing me in one way or another. I found out about his last affair (I'm sure that it has continued and there are other women) one day after moving into a new house this past August with him. He didn't have the money to pay the first month's rent so I had to spend nearly my entire paycheck on rent. I had many sleepless nights with my daughter prior which added to the stress. The morning after finding out about his affair, I admitted myself into the hospital because I had never felt such clear, strong feelings of wanting to kill myself. I made sure my family was taken care of and that they would be ok before I went in to the hospital. I just knew I needed help and I knew I had to take these feelings seriously. I was in so much pain. I have known a lot of pain in my life but this time it was different.

My husband came to see me in the hospital and showed me the most emotion that anyone has ever shown me in my entire life. It was very beautiful. But after he left it felt completely empty. I wanted so much to hang onto those words but I knew deep inside I would never see them come to life. The promises he made were empty.

I came home 3 days later. I expressed to him what would help me begin to trust him and gave him a list of things. He ignored it. So within two days of expressing the most heartfelt emotion I had ever seen from anyone, his actions were completely the opposite. He was angry, very angry, when I asked him to talk to me about the affair. One of his responses was how selfish it was of me to have thought about killing myself and he said what if I told you I had slept with her?

I was selfish. He just had an affair (one of how many?) and couldn't help with rent (even though he makes a lot more than I do) and wouldn't help with any monthly expenses for at least the past 4 months, and I was told I was selfish.

Please take into consideration every feeling that has come over with you when you began talking with your husband, the way he argues with you, the way he interacts with his family, everything he says to you and how he makes you feel. Don't kid yourself into thinking it is just cultural. If he doesn't make you feel good when you are around him, whether talking with him or physically being with him, at all times, then please, please, please don't let yourself make excuses for it. I don't want you or anyone to end up in the very place that I am; 5 years later telling your story to the next generation of VJ members who are about to bring over another man like the one I married. This isn't a joke. This is your life and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and most of all with love and security.

If you have found someone who makes you feel 100% secure, then I am very very very happy for you and I want you to know that I wish you the very best in your new life together. Enjoy the blessings of marriage and of family.