Moroccan Culture?

[itsallgood 1]

Ooohhhhh.

Itsallgood...I suggest you begin the journey to the "Big D" and I sure as hell don't mean Dallas!

...so you must mean Denver, right???

[AichaKandisha 0]

I'm just a greedy/always-asking-for-too-much kind of woman. How dare I want a non-cheating husband, a husband who helps with half the bills and house-work (since we both work) AND a man who respects and loves her? I just want it all, don't I ladies?

You know what he is done... half of the bills??? I pay over 70% of all the bills and if people will go back and read, you have mentioned that all the bills on my name. You so kind paying my bills...

Have a happy life with your ladies????????????

[itsallgood 1]

You know what he is done... half of the bills??? I pay over 70% of all the bills and if people will go back and read, you have mentioned that all the bills on my name. You so kind paying my bills...

Have a happy life with your ladies????????????

and you don't cheat, either, right? I thought you did well in math too. I should have added honesty to my list.

Edited September 29, 2010 by itsallgood

[SandyNJack 5]

Wow am I glad I am married to my man. We argue like any other couple but WOW. If you two really love each other and want this to work out you need to seek couseling otherwise move on.

[WindingDown 0]

If there is any way to salvage this thread, I would love to take the opportunity to get insight into the financial issue. I am in a similar position - way more money than we can afford gets sent back home to Morocco, as we slip deeper into debt, and this jeopardizes our future together. This is an area where our communication breaks down completely, so I would love to get AK's views on this: is it family pressure to send home more than basic living expenses? Would it be shameful not to, or some sort of loss of honor? I love my husband's family and he knows it, but if I ever *dare* to bring up the financial problems that come from sending too much money I also get accused of having ill will towards them and being selfish, etc. Are there any wives who have successfully changed their husband's behavior in this respect? Does this change with time, or when you have kids? I feel like he is working to give them a stable future while ours is getting less and less secure...

Thanks!

[itsallgood 1]

Wow am I glad I am married to my man. We argue like any other couple but WOW. If you two really love each other and want this to work out you need to seek couseling otherwise move on.

That would work in a 'normal' relationship. As you can see, this is far from normal!

He doesn't have a problem. I am to blame for him cheating, for never having any money, for him not being happy, for the U.S. not being a good experience for him, for being hungry and on and on and on.

These are all my problems. Why should he waste his time and energy on talking to someone when I'm the one with all of the problems?

[AichaKandisha 0]

If there is any way to salvage this thread, I would love to take the opportunity to get insight into the financial issue. I am in a similar position - way more money than we can afford gets sent back home to Morocco, as we slip deeper into debt, and this jeopardizes our future together. This is an area where our communication breaks down completely, so I would love to get AK's views on this: is it family pressure to send home more than basic living expenses? Would it be shameful not to, or some sort of loss of honor? I love my husband's family and he knows it, but if I ever *dare* to bring up the financial problems that come from sending too much money I also get accused of having ill will towards them and being selfish, etc. Are there any wives who have successfully changed their husband's behavior in this respect? Does this change with time, or when you have kids? I feel like he is working to give them a stable future while ours is getting less and less secure...

Thanks!

Q: is it family pressure to send home more than basic living expenses?

A: No -- parents don't give pressure to their kids and they don't ask-- but it’s our responsibility to make sure they don’t need anything. and we will do the same thing wherever/ whenever

basic living expenses is more than enough --

Q: Would it be shameful not to, or some sort of loss of honor?

A: No. But it shameful when you know they need it and you can't send it

Q: Are there any wives who have successfully changed their husband's behavior in this respect?

A: I don't think so -- no matter how they tries. Trying to change your husband behavior is controlling -- since your husband remembers his parents here he is a good man, Simply sit down and show him the reality of your financial situation, talk to him about a plan that will fit your budget and have a fixed amount of money to send home . to avoid any surprises budgets wise

Q: Does this change with time, or when you have kids?

A: Does not change -- perhaps support with kids the amount to be sent will get decreased.

I feel like he is working to give them a stable future while ours is getting less and less secure...

You know as a Moroccan, and I know all Moroccan are the same they will not let you down once they feel secured, putting your husband down will result a situation you will not like down the road. We know our responsibilities for the wives under god's will, and also we know our responsibility toward our parents and family –

Simply : No game No Pain

If you have more question send me a private email – and I hope I will be able to help you find peace.

[SandyNJack 5]

That would work in a 'normal' relationship. As you can see, this is far from normal!

He doesn't have a problem. I am to blame for him cheating, for never having any money, for him not being happy, for the U.S. not being a good experience for him, for being hungry and on and on and on.

These are all my problems. Why should he waste his time and energy on talking to someone when I'm the one with all of the problems?

Well if he is not willing to put some effort into reparing this relationship then I think you know the answer. It takes two to make a marriage, or any relationship, and the problems therein. Hell, maybe the therapist will say it is all your fault. lol

[SandyNJack 5]

Q: is it family pressure to send home more than basic living expenses?

A: No -- parents don't give pressure to their kids and they don't ask-- but it’s our responsibility to make sure they don’t need anything. and we will do the same thing wherever/ whenever

basic living expenses is more than enough --

Q: Would it be shameful not to, or some sort of loss of honor?

A: No. But it shameful when you know they need it and you can't send it

Q: Are there any wives who have successfully changed their husband's behavior in this respect?

A: I don't think so -- no matter how they tries. Trying to change your husband behavior is controlling -- since your husband remembers his parents here he is a good man, Simply sit down and show him the reality of your financial situation, talk to him about a plan that will fit your budget and have a fixed amount of money to send home . to avoid any surprises budgets wise

Q: Does this change with time, or when you have kids?

A: Does not change -- perhaps support with kids the amount to be sent will get decreased.

You know as a Moroccan, and I know all Moroccan are the same they will not let you down once they feel secured, putting your husband down will result a situation you will not like down the road. We know our responsibilities for the wives under god's will, and also we know our responsibility toward our parents and family –

Simply : No game No Pain

If you have more question send me a private email – and I hope I will be able to help you find peace.

My perception of your posts is that you are embarrassed of letting your family, or people close to you in Morocco, know that you can not afford, at this time, to send the amount you are sending. Do you not think if you got yourself financially stable in the U.S., meaning taking care of your family in the U.S. and then sending your family in Morocco what you can without going into debt, that soon you will be able to send them the amount you think is appropriate for a comfortable life?

[sandinista! 1,816]

for those who are having issues over money sent to family overseas, was it something discussed prior to getting married, and then re-neged on, or did it not come up until later? if the latter, why the he!! wasn't it part of yr marriage arrangements/contract?

[Batta 6]

This is just getting better...

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

I know for our own situation we split bills. Adams check goes into one account and my check goes into another. He pays a set of bills like one car, car insurance half of rent and his own credit cards and I pay another car, our cell phone bill, half of rent and my credit cards. I buy the groceries. It works better for us bcz he knows that he has his set of bills to pay and then he has his own money to use for whatever... which is more like cigarettes, clothes and eating out. I do however feel that he isnt all that wise in the responsibility of money... he likes to spend and I like to save. We do not have a problem with the sending money to his family. We agree on sending money to his mother since his father has passed away during times for her birthday and when she needs money for medicine. He does know that he has to take care of his life here.

But to answer Sandnista, I didnt ever think about the sending money back home thing, maybe other women didnt think about that too. I know we talked about many things before we got married and still talk about things now, while I am glad we dont have an issue with helping his mother out when we can and what amount... I can see how it would be an issue for someone who wouldnt have known that something like that would be happening or so much money would be sent back home without taking care of the home here first.

[nurse1967 287]

I am just thankful that my in-laws are well off and don't expect us to support them. I personally would resent supporting ANYONE on a monthly basis outside my immediate household.

[Staashi 371]

I am just thankful that my in-laws are well off and don't expect us to support them. I personally would resent supporting ANYONE on a monthly basis outside my immediate household.

This is a very American attitude - and it is your cultural perogative to think that way. In the US, we expect that our parents have saved lots of money for retirement and that they can "hold their own" so to speak. Whereas, in other countries, especially in third world nations, one's children are expected to contribute to the well-being (food, clothing, and housing) of their aged parents, to the education of younger siblings, and for major events like a family member's wedding. A friend of mine from MENA sends home about $50,000 a year to his family (he does very well for himself). His money provides a comfortable living environment for his parents, he has put his two brothers through medical school and he has paid for his sisters weddings. He wouldn't blink an eye about sending anything home - he considers it an honor to do so and he knows that his parents rely on his contributions.

We send money home to Argentina - we aren't able to send more than about $200 a month - but that is $800 pesos, which helps them live comfortably.

I will say that for as religious a country as we are, we truly do fail on the whole concept of "honor thy mother and thy father". Just sayin'.

[Batta 6]

Hello,

This is a very sensitive topic to discuss around all cultures. Many of us who had been raised in a 3rd world country understand what it means to support other family members who are in need.

Growing up, I saw my parents struggle to make ends needs, and when dad finally opened his own clinic he was doing well, and to be honest many of extend family members were living off my dad medical help and his willing to support them although they had enough of asset to make it on their own. My mom was a super mom who helped her nephews and nieces throughout their childhood time.

Yet when the war started in Iraq and we had to leave, my family lost almost everything and when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and called her family for her to pay for medication, we got the deaf ear. Then we finally were able to sell the gold we have to pay for her medication, and after arriving into the US back in 1993 she did not even got the support of her brother here, we all had to start looking for jobs just a week from arriving in USA. I remember I started working after 20 days and my brother started after 10 days.

My mom passed away in 1995, and when my other family members in Iraq, Lebanon and Jordan needed money I used to send and help, taking it away from my mouth and helping them, but my dad was upset because he always remembers when we needed help but no one offered.

Today, I help some family but not a whole lot, because I discovered some people say they need support but they go spend it on luxury items which I could prohibit myself from them. I don’t send the 5K like I used to do, but now I send 200 to 500 Max.

When I met my husband, we talked about helping family only closest ones, nothing like cousins and others outside the close circle. Yet he also understands that we need to pay our 2 homes and also save for the future. Once he starts working we agreed that his paycheck will go to pay off the 2 mortgages and I will still support the house bills, and any other stuff. We agreed we will help family but after we discuss how much we can help them with.

It is part of our love to our parents and family to support them, but also we need to look at our self. We are not putting our family in homeless homes but also we are not promising them mansions to live in.

I have many friends who sent loads of money to their family in Iraq because they felt bad for them not able to work, yet these families were spending left of right close to 1000 dollars a month on stupid things while the folks over here working 2 jobs to help them.. Isn’t this a classic case of being run by so called “love your family!!”

//Batta