Moroccan Culture?

[itsallgood 1]

If I had known what I know now, I would not have married my husband. I have known him for 5 years and we've been married 3 1/2 years. He had an affair 9 months into our marriage for two weeks (they talked and kissed-no sex-I actually talked to the woman) and another one this past June for 6 weeks (he says no sex). Both affairs arose (according to him) because of my reaction to him sending money home.

The first time he sent $100 to his brother. That isn't a huge amount of money but at the time, I was working 2 jobs in order to pay our bills-we were behind on rent and the car payment. I was soooooooooo angry and he got angry right back saying I hate his family. I called my mom and cried to her. He said that I should not have told her and it should be between the two of us. So, taking his own advice (joking) he sought out another woman to talk to.

This past June, he sought out another woman after an argument about money again. He sent $700 home. He wasn't helping with any of the monthly bills (part of his defense of not paying bills was he didn't like the place we were staying in ) . I got very angry again and told him that I was done with our marriage. He asked if he could stay that night and I told him that since he didn't like this place and it wasn't worth it to him to pay for it then why would he want to stay? He left. He didn't talk to me for about 3 days. He continued to stay in a hotel (paying $50/night + food - I saw the hotel bills). He was willing to pay a lot more money to stay in a hotel than to help me pay the monthly bills. He has done very well for himself financially since he's been in the U.S., but still can't help. He has helped for months at a time but if his family needs money, then it is up to me to pay all the bills.

It was during that time that he found another woman. The day after we moved into a house that he wanted to live in and we made a financial agreement, he told me about her.

As soon as I found out about both women, he stopped seeing and calling them.

As strange as it sounds, I know he loves me but I will be the first to agree that love doesn't equal cheating. I believe he loves me the best way he can. It's not the kind of love that I deserve though. I've met with an attorney and know what I need to do.

I just want others to realize what can happen, or at least what happened to me.

I know two of his sisters are being cheated on my their husbands. My feeling from him is that his cheating wasn't that big of a deal.

I'd love to hear any thoughts by other members who are familiar with the Moroccan culture and MENA culture in general and how cheating is viewed. I know what Islam says about cheating, however, my experience has been that Islam and the culture in general don't always coincide.

[Mithra 1,185]

His excuse (because of your reaction for sending money home) is lame. I am unaware of any infidelity commited by my husband but if that's a good reason for cheating my husband would be the cheatingest baztard around. I'm not pleasant when it comes to that subject. Anyways, I know there's a certain double standard with many MENA men that it's "ok" for men to do something that may be considered wrong but it's not ok for women. I don't think that cheating is considered a good thing in MENA culture but it happens just like it happens in our culture. I don't think this is necessarily a MENA issue. I'm sorry that this has happened to you though. It's a sucky thing to deal with I'm sure.

[patient2010 93]

sorry to hear this.......

[Jenn! 918]

If my husband thought that it wasn't so bad for a man to cheat, he sure as heck wouldn't admit it to me. He knows how I feel about double standards.

The money issue can often be a sore subject. I know in many faimilies there's an enormous amount of pressure to provide financial support back home. I think they view the family unit as larger than we do in our culture. To me, immediate family, i.e. me, hubby and son, comes first. If there's something left over then I'm happy to help out the rest of the family. That's not how they think.

Of course, that doesn't excuse his cheating whatsoever.

So sorry it didn't work out for you.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

A little tough love . You are married to a serial cheater who uses your less than perfect behavior as an excuse for his horrid behavior. You welcome him back after each incident which reinforces his habit. He is a user and you are a co dependent. You both need to get some serious help or the pattern will go on and on. You need to stop allowing him to be a non contributor to your joint family. Make him responsible for the bills that matter most to him. Then be hard about those being his to pay. Things like his cell phone , if it gets turned off let it go, his car , let if go. If he chooses to have other woman let him go, you deserve more than a man that has no more control his actions than an un-neutered dog.

[itsallgood 1]

His excuse (because of your reaction for sending money home) is lame. I am unaware of any infidelity commited by my husband but if that's a good reason for cheating my husband would be the cheatingest baztard around. I'm not pleasant when it comes to that subject. Anyways, I know there's a certain double standard with many MENA men that it's "ok" for men to do something that may be considered wrong but it's not ok for women. I don't think that cheating is considered a good thing in MENA culture but it happens just like it happens in our culture. I don't think this is necessarily a MENA issue. I'm sorry that this has happened to you though. It's a sucky thing to deal with I'm sure.

LOL! I wasn't pleasant about money or cheating!

sorry to hear this.......

Thank you.

If my husband thought that it wasn't so bad for a man to cheat, he sure as heck wouldn't admit it to me. He knows how I feel about double standards.

The money issue can often be a sore subject. I know in many faimilies there's an enormous amount of pressure to provide financial support back home. I think they view the family unit as larger than we do in our culture. To me, immediate family, i.e. me, hubby and son, comes first. If there's something left over then I'm happy to help out the rest of the family. That's not how they think.

Of course, that doesn't excuse his cheating whatsoever.

So sorry it didn't work out for you.

I've talked ad nauseum (sp?) to him about the fact that sending money home doesn't bother me IF we are able to pay our monthly bills. I agree that we are his immediate family now and once we are taken care of, then he can send whatever is left of his money to his family if he wants.

If I cheated everytime he pizzed me off, I'd have filled a stadium with men. There is no excuse for cheating.

[itsallgood 1]

A little tough love . You are married to a serial cheater who uses your less than perfect behavior as an excuse for his horrid behavior. You welcome him back after each incident which reinforces his habit. He is a user and you are a co dependent. You both need to get some serious help or the pattern will go on and on. You need to stop allowing him to be a non contributor to your joint family. Make him responsible for the bills that matter most to him. Then be hard about those being his to pay. Things like his cell phone , if it gets turned off let it go, his car , let if go. If he chooses to have other woman let him go, you deserve more than a man that has no more control his actions than an un-neutered dog.

I am breaking the pattern and leaving him. I can't get much clearer than that that I won't go on with his behavior. I have put all the bills in his name that I can; electricity/gas, water, all of our cell phones, cable/internet, his car is in his name. The only bills that I pay that aren't in his name alone is the rent and the health insurance and the car insurance. Even with bills in his name, he will let the phones get turned off, the internet/cable also and wait until he absolutely has to (after receiving final notices before being shut off) to pay the rest!

Not how I want to live any longer. I don't know why anyone would want to live that way period.

Edited September 24, 2010 by itsallgood

[Nina~ 431]

I am breaking the pattern and leaving him. I can't get much clearer than that that I won't go on with his behavior. I have put all the bills in his name that I can; electricity/gas, water, all of our cell phones, cable/internet, his car is in his name. The only bills that I pay that aren't in his name alone is the rent and the health insurance and the car insurance. Even with bills in his name, he will let the phones get turned off, the internet/cable also and wait until he absolutely has to (after receiving final notices before being shut off) to pay the rest!

Not how I want to live any longer. I don't know why anyone would want to live that way period.

Good for you! It doesn't sound like your husband has taken full responsibility for cheating, and instead he is trying to make you feel responsible for it by blaming it on you. This is your biggest clue that he will not change. And no, I dont think this is strictly a Moroccan thing. I know many people from different cultures and women too who cheat, and people like them are a dime-a-dozen. Stay strong, and keep moving forward.

[KittyPollitt 284]

Not a cultural thing. It's a worthless man thing. They come from all cultures.

[Golden Gate 530]

My ex cheated on me when I was 4 months pregnant and disappeared for the remainder of my pregnancy. Then he wanted to come back about a year later. I realized the dynamics were just wrong between us. It wouldn't ever work and that's the reason things happened the way they did. The good thing that came out of it is that I have been able to find someone else and really know what it means to love someone and be loved. I am sure you will find that too.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

I am breaking the pattern and leaving him. I can't get much clearer than that that I won't go on with his behavior. I have put all the bills in his name that I can; electricity/gas, water, all of our cell phones, cable/internet, his car is in his name. The only bills that I pay that aren't in his name alone is the rent and the health insurance and the car insurance. Even with bills in his name, he will let the phones get turned off, the internet/cable also and wait until he absolutely has to (after receiving final notices before being shut off) to pay the rest!

Not how I want to live any longer. I don't know why anyone would want to live that way period.

Good for you NO ONE should allow a person to use cultural differences as excuse to behave like a dog and infect the family with all sorts of evil. Kick his to the curb today

[itsallgood 1]

Good for you! It doesn't sound like your husband has taken full responsibility for cheating, and instead he is trying to make you feel responsible for it by blaming it on you. This is your biggest clue that he will not change. And no, I dont think this is strictly a Moroccan thing. I know many people from different cultures and women too who cheat, and people like them are a dime-a-dozen. Stay strong, and keep moving forward.

He hasn't taken full responsibility for cheating. He has a hard time with responsibility period. He would definitely need to stop blaming me for his choices in order to have a chance of not repeating the same behavior. He is clueless as to why I just can't let go of the past and forget about the cheating. I know it's not a matter of if it will happen again, but when. NOT a fun way to live!

I know first hand that cheaters cross all cultures/religions/countries, etc. My first husband (an American) cheated on me. I thought I worked so hard to not attract that kind of man again but here I am again. I've started immersing myself in therapy/research to get to the bottom of what I need to learn.

Not a cultural thing. It's a worthless man thing. They come from all cultures.

Yea, a good man would feel too bad about himself to even begin to do such a thing. I happened to marry two of the bad ones.

My ex cheated on me when I was 4 months pregnant and disappeared for the remainder of my pregnancy. Then he wanted to come back about a year later. I realized the dynamics were just wrong between us. It wouldn't ever work and that's the reason things happened the way they did. The good thing that came out of it is that I have been able to find someone else and really know what it means to love someone and be loved. I am sure you will find that too.

That had to have been very hard. My first husband cheated on me when our daughter was 6 months old. My current husband cheated on me the first time when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He even knew I was pregnant. He called his family and was sooooo excited all while he was seeing this other woman. I lost the baby at 11 weeks. I can't help but think his affair contributed to losing the baby.

The dynamics certainly are wrong between us but I strongly believe that he will continue cheating and having money troubles when he moves on to the next woman (whose to say he doesn't already have one now?!).

He believes that this marriage hasn't brought him the kind of life that he wants and believes that ending the marriage will increase his chances of being happy. I told him then by all means, be happy and don't let me stand in your way!

I believe that we choose to be happy no matter the circumstances (within reason). Blaming your unhappiness on someone else or your choices on someone else IS unhappiness. Wouldn't it be easy to always have someone or something to blame all of your problems on?! That never worked for me.

[Golden Gate 530]

Yep, he probably won't change and that type can sure make you crazy. Anyway, for me at least, I can no longer remember what attracted me to my ex in the first place.

[Tahlisha 28]

If I had known what I know now, I would not have married my husband. I have known him for 5 years and we've been married 3 1/2 years. He had an affair 9 months into our marriage for two weeks (they talked and kissed-no sex-I actually talked to the woman) and another one this past June for 6 weeks (he says no sex). Both affairs arose (according to him) because of my reaction to him sending money home.

The first time he sent $100 to his brother. That isn't a huge amount of money but at the time, I was working 2 jobs in order to pay our bills-we were behind on rent and the car payment. I was soooooooooo angry and he got angry right back saying I hate his family. I called my mom and cried to her. He said that I should not have told her and it should be between the two of us. So, taking his own advice (joking) he sought out another woman to talk to.

This past June, he sought out another woman after an argument about money again. He sent $700 home. He wasn't helping with any of the monthly bills (part of his defense of not paying bills was he didn't like the place we were staying in ) . I got very angry again and told him that I was done with our marriage. He asked if he could stay that night and I told him that since he didn't like this place and it wasn't worth it to him to pay for it then why would he want to stay? He left. He didn't talk to me for about 3 days. He continued to stay in a hotel (paying $50/night + food - I saw the hotel bills). He was willing to pay a lot more money to stay in a hotel than to help me pay the monthly bills. He has done very well for himself financially since he's been in the U.S., but still can't help. He has helped for months at a time but if his family needs money, then it is up to me to pay all the bills.

It was during that time that he found another woman. The day after we moved into a house that he wanted to live in and we made a financial agreement, he told me about her.

As soon as I found out about both women, he stopped seeing and calling them.

As strange as it sounds, I know he loves me but I will be the first to agree that love doesn't equal cheating. I believe he loves me the best way he can. It's not the kind of love that I deserve though. I've met with an attorney and know what I need to do.

I just want others to realize what can happen, or at least what happened to me.

I know two of his sisters are being cheated on my their husbands. My feeling from him is that his cheating wasn't that big of a deal.

I'd love to hear any thoughts by other members who are familiar with the Moroccan culture and MENA culture in general and how cheating is viewed. I know what Islam says about cheating, however, my experience has been that Islam and the culture in general don't always coincide.

Wow.... I am so sorry to hear of what you have gone through..... There are bad men an women in evry culture.... Before I met my Moroccan hubby I dated a Tunisian for 8 years.... He dumped me for a 19 year old and her trust fund :0( 3 weeks (after he married her) later he was calling me telling me how miseable he was and that he made a mistake.... Before that he had cheated on me with her bestfriend and who knows who before her....People cheat for different reason but whatever the reason it's wrong..... As a muslim he should always take care of his wifes needs first... It is his obligation.... 9 months in and he had an affair I would have sent him packing.... Back to Morocco.... Personally this would have made me question his reasons for marrying me...... When my hubby gets here I expect him to help out ( and he is aware of my expectations)..... I don't mind helping his family because they are my family too, however our household needs have to be met first......

I can't tell you what you should do but me personally would walk away.... There are too many things going around to play this game with him..... Not to mention all the crazies in the world.....

IDK if you are muslim.... But I am and Islam says I am to be treated like a gift from God..... I will accept nothing less and neither should you....

[rachbel 2]

Dear friend and neighbor,

there is no culture or religion on this earth that encourages cheating,it`s all about morals.am sorry this happens to you,helping his family is a duty,just like helping you is a duty too. most immigrants are coming from poor families and they need to support their families,it`s an act of worship for them, especialy when it comes to their parents.but as i said it`s his duty too to support you and help you.He doesnt seems a bad boy as he confessed to you what he did,i hope you`ll be able to work it out.i wish you the best.