Change the way I dress?

[Anna and Ali 13]

Do you think it would appear weird or like I'm "trying" to be different if after marriage I started dressing a little bit closer to Ali's Jordanian culture? He hasn't decided about Hijab yet because he just isn't sure if he likes the idea of being that covered although his mom and sisters wear it when they leave the house. However, I am the one who is just naturally modest and in love with some more modest fashions. I feel more comfortable when I don't have the potential for things to pop out or look uncomfortable.

Basically, my question is, would it look like I was playing dress-up, especially because I don't share the coloring, shape, or style as most of the arab and indian models who wear fashions that I'm in love with from magazines?

Has anyone else here in MENA tried changing their dress a bit? how did it go? pics?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm not MENA but I thought I'd add my 2 cents (hope you don't mind). At first i thought yes it might look odd, but then I thought SO many people change themselves, their religion, their beliefs etc for their relationship, how is what you're planning any different? Those who know you know that you are naturally modest (as you indicated), however you MIGHT encounter some backlash from friends/family members unless you prepare them for it.

Let them know what you've been thinking and your reasons behind it. Depending on your family, perhaps a letter to let them know of the change. Maybe a more slow and subtle change rather than a sudden one. Make sure they realise this is YOUR choice and that your husband is in no way pushing you to change. I am curious though, are you converting to Islam? Forgive my ignorance but isn't the Hijab a sign of that religion? My only concern there is that people would think you don't take it seriously and DO think it's dress up.

Either way at the end of the day you can only do what makes you happy. You might encounter some backlash in various situations but if it's something you want/need then I say go for it. Think about it a lot first. Think of the logistics of it (as in if you start wearing it, you will most likely need to continue, otherwise people will also think dress up).

Good luck with your decision and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

Edited September 23, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[lucky Jimmy 7]

Go to fashion.com. This site is dedicated to US immigration.

[Mithra 1,185]

Why would you change the way you dress simply because you're married to an Arab? That's weird and yes, it would appear you're trying too hard or trying to be something you're not. You don't suddenly become Arab because you're married to one. Playing dress up is for little kids and performers.

[maherforever 8]

Do you think it would appear weird or like I'm "trying" to be different if after marriage I started dressing a little bit closer to Ali's Jordanian culture? He hasn't decided about Hijab yet because he just isn't sure if he likes the idea of being that covered although his mom and sisters wear it when they leave the house. However, I am the one who is just naturally modest and in love with some more modest fashions. I feel more comfortable when I don't have the potential for things to pop out or look uncomfortable.

Basically, my question is, would it look like I was playing dress-up, especially because I don't share the coloring, shape, or style as most of the arab and indian models who wear fashions that I'm in love with from magazines?

Has anyone else here in MENA tried changing their dress a bit? how did it go? pics?

He hasn't decided about Hijab yet

Why does your husband need to decide wether you'd wear a hijab or not? what about you, what do you want to do? Don't loose your identity just because you married outside your race or religion, I'm sure if you're married to a good man, He'll respect your opinions and won't treat you like you're a robot under his orders.

Maher

[Anna and Ali 13]

Oh no, i didn't mean to come off as following like a puppy behind him. I am converting to Islam and I am being true to myself. What I meant about Hijab is that I am willing to wear it when we are in his country but he feels a little like he would be asking to much of me if he agrees. He says he wants me to just be me. So in the end the decision is up to me.

I realized, judging from Lucky Jimmy's completely unsarcastic and very helpful response that maybe I should have posted this in off-topic or kept my comments to myself.

I'll know better for next time that some people can't pass up a good opportunity to be rude.

Anyhoo, thanks for your advice. I'm sure whatever is right for me will eventually just happen on its own.

[Mithra 1,185]

Just a tip - do NOT post this kind of question in Off Topic. If you think that response was rude, post this in OT and see what that does.

[Laveau 67]

Oh no, i didn't mean to come off as following like a puppy behind him. I am converting to Islam and I am being true to myself. What I meant about Hijab is that I am willing to wear it when we are in his country but he feels a little like he would be asking to much of me if he agrees. He says he wants me to just be me. So in the end the decision is up to me.

I realized, judging from Lucky Jimmy's completely unsarcastic and very helpful response that maybe I should have posted this in off-topic or kept my comments to myself.

I'll know better for next time that some people can't pass up a good opportunity to be rude.

Anyhoo, thanks for your advice. I'm sure whatever is right for me will eventually just happen on its own.

If you like the those fashion/styles then just do it. Of course people will have their opinions but I wouldn't worry about it if it's what I like.

[caybee 21]

Oh no, i didn't mean to come off as following like a puppy behind him. I am converting to Islam and I am being true to myself. What I meant about Hijab is that I am willing to wear it when we are in his country but he feels a little like he would be asking to much of me if he agrees. He says he wants me to just be me. So in the end the decision is up to me.

I realized, judging from Lucky Jimmy's completely unsarcastic and very helpful response that maybe I should have posted this in off-topic or kept my comments to myself.

I'll know better for next time that some people can't pass up a good opportunity to be rude.

Anyhoo, thanks for your advice. I'm sure whatever is right for me will eventually just happen on its own.

Meh, it's a discussion of MENA culture, so MENA's a perfectly fine forum for it

I think you answered your own question. You'll find what feels right for you. When people change their dress or behavior for someone else instead of themselves, they feel unsettled sooner or later. I think a lot of women here embrace MENA culture, dress, etc, with a lot of enthusiasm, especially in the beginning, when the the relationship is new and exciting. Later, they find their groove, and only they can say what that is.

[Karonya and Adel 8]

I agree, this is the place to discuss that kind of issue. I also agree that in the beginning it's exciting to do something new but with some people it tends to wane with time...i would take my time making the decision, introduce a few things here and there. I was that way at first years ago, but now i don't do it every day, just now and then, and that's worked out for me. I think caybee has hit the nail on the head with that post!

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I've changed how I've dressed over the years, but I think that is more of a function of graduating from college and moving from jeans and long sleeve tshirts (with a scarf on top) to more business appropriate attire like dress skirts and button down shirts (with a scarf on top) than being married to an Egyptian. My post college wardrobe is almost completely taken from Shukr, to get a sense of my "style" (ha, as if I had a sense of style). It's hijabi western

If you feel you want to dress a certain way, do it for the sake of Allah (swt) and not any man. Not saying that that's what you're doing, but that's what you'll be accused of If you want to wear abayas, go for it. If you want to wear shalwar kameez, go for it. I wear abayas on the weekend, more for function than form. That way, I can just throw it on over my PJs so I don't have to get dressed going to the store Also very easy to throw it on over my workout gear as I leave the gym. I dowear abayas on occasion to the masjid, but don't think it's something that's an absolute requirement.

I got my first shalwar kameez this last Ramadan. I haven't worn them up until now because I feel like a big gori (aka white girl) poser. Still felt like a big gori poser but I didn't care because it was so pretty I actually did a culture mash up and wore it for eid with my hoodie jedi abaya partially unbuttoned over it so all the pretty sparklies could show. It would have been even more awesome if I had managed to find some matching lime green chucks, but alas, I have yet to convince AbuS that I need fluorescent chucks in orange, pink and green.

As you get more involved in the american muslim community, you'll come across a number of american converts married to men from overseas, and in general, I think quite a few do adopt (at least partially) the dress of their husband's home country. Not making any sort of value judgment, just making an observation. I didn't even really think of it until I found another euro-american convert wearing a west african kaftan set and another wearing traditional somali garb (a long khimar and skirt). I was like, woh, what are they wearing? But then, it isn't any more unusual than my abaya collection.

If you ever want to chat, you can reach me via my blog, since I'm not on VJ very often anymore.

[MrsAmera 41]

Great response from UmmS -- my best advice to you is to take it slow. Too often people convert and dive in the deep end of the pool. Slow down, take your time, learn your faith inside and out, and figure out what works for you and your beliefs. Also as much as I might get hammered for saying this -what works where you live. Yes wearing hijab is for the sake of Allah but I think dressing modestly is what is required of us. Covering your hair might be part of how you see modest. I wore hijab for about 3 years when we lived in Washington DC and had no problems doing so and did feel much more connected to the American Muslim community and my faith. We moved back to WI and wearing a hijab made me a target. Everyday was a huge struggle and I used to cry because I couldn't even get a hello from a store clerk. I've had people walk into objects because they were staring at me. The purpose of hijab is to NOT stick out - I feel like if it's making you stick out more then not then it's defeating the purpose.

So back to everyday clothes. There are some things from my husbands country that I wear clothes-wise but again depends on the situation. I have takschitas and caftans but I mostly wear them to mosque functions or parties with our other Moroccan friends. When we're at "american" parties I dress in more American styles. Either way they are clothes that I love and am comfortable in.

[Jenn! 918]

Truthfully, no matter what you say otherwise, people will probably think that either your husband made you dress differently or that you are trying to hard to imitate his culture. I wouldn't make too drastic of a change in your style unless you are able to brush off negative reactions.

[Anna and Ali 13]

I've changed how I've dressed over the years, but I think that is more of a function of graduating from college and moving from jeans and long sleeve tshirts (with a scarf on top) to more business appropriate attire like dress skirts and button down shirts (with a scarf on top) than being married to an Egyptian. My post college wardrobe is almost completely taken from Shukr, to get a sense of my "style" (ha, as if I had a sense of style). It's hijabi western

If you feel you want to dress a certain way, do it for the sake of Allah (swt) and not any man. Not saying that that's what you're doing, but that's what you'll be accused of If you want to wear abayas, go for it. If you want to wear shalwar kameez, go for it. I wear abayas on the weekend, more for function than form. That way, I can just throw it on over my PJs so I don't have to get dressed going to the store Also very easy to throw it on over my workout gear as I leave the gym. I dowear abayas on occasion to the masjid, but don't think it's something that's an absolute requirement.

I got my first shalwar kameez this last Ramadan. I haven't worn them up until now because I feel like a big gori (aka white girl) poser. Still felt like a big gori poser but I didn't care because it was so pretty I actually did a culture mash up and wore it for eid with my hoodie jedi abaya partially unbuttoned over it so all the pretty sparklies could show. It would have been even more awesome if I had managed to find some matching lime green chucks, but alas, I have yet to convince AbuS that I need fluorescent chucks in orange, pink and green.

As you get more involved in the american muslim community, you'll come across a number of american converts married to men from overseas, and in general, I think quite a few do adopt (at least partially) the dress of their husband's home country. Not making any sort of value judgment, just making an observation. I didn't even really think of it until I found another euro-american convert wearing a west african kaftan set and another wearing traditional somali garb (a long khimar and skirt). I was like, woh, what are they wearing? But then, it isn't any more unusual than my abaya collection.

If you ever want to chat, you can reach me via my blog, since I'm not on VJ very often anymore.

I really really appreciate your response. Plus the website where you shop is awesome! Thanks for the advice. I totally agree that often people get super enthused at the beginning because it is so exciting and new. If anything, over the last three years I have gotten further and further interested instead of my interest waning. I see the way his mom dresses and I just think wow, she look absolutely stunning and super sophisticated because you aren't distracted by all that skin and ill-fittingmaterial. It also comes across as really confident when a woman doesn't need to rely on over the top hair and low cut blouses to feel good. Once in a while I like to be dressed up and be a little bit...idk what the word for it is but just a bit less modest i guess.

Looking back to high school I almost always wore long sleeves and I still wear jeans all year round even during our heat waves this summer. My mom would always complain but I didn't feel self-conscious or on display when I was covered more. I think its not so much what you are wearing but how it makes you feel. I really, really, take to heart everythign you guys are saying as a newbie and as a naive youngster. <3

[Anna and Ali 13]

I agree, I wouldn't finish a Friday in jeans in a t-shirt and show up in a burqa on Monday for work. That would seem odd and completely forced. It would be a gradual more...Arab-influenced wardrobe, not an exact replica. A meshing of both that seems more natural.

I also like that you said that the point of a hijab is to NOT stand out. Couldn't agree more, and being that most of my friends and family are still not on board with the marrying an arab thing (especially since no one has met him yet)I can only imagine what my community would think. I've never seen someone in hijab in my city...or my state for that matter. So I'll have to feelit out and see what feels good and what feels a bit fake.

Geeze, I was in high school three years ago and now I feel like I'm making huge decisions. Where does the time go?