Trying to price the entire process...

[clueless_in_usa 8]

I’m trying to balance and juggle saving for the filing process (documents, plane, etc), car for her, small Vegas/Hawaii type wedding and paying off my own stuff like credit cards and car note. I’m well above the 125% poverty rate. How much money are they going to want to see in the bank from me from on the I-134 form? The only real asset I have is a car. Towards the end of the process, I might just end up with a few grand left. Would this meet the requirements for the process?

Dude,

If what you write has at least 50% of truth, I seriously advise you to reconsider getting married, not just with a Russian woman, but with anybody. Maybe your income meets the requirement for a visa, but I have not seen an inch of proof that your relationship meets the "bonafide" requirement.

For a car, I’m planning on buying a cheapo. I figure she’ll use it for a year or until she crashes it. Whichever comes first. I know she won’t like the idea of such a cheap car. Oh well. She has her own car in Moscow now. If she wants a late model car, she’ll have to wait and land a job first. I make enough to cover all living expenses for 2 people. That’s calculating a late model car payment for her, insurance, extra mobile phone, additional food, etc but not much money thereafter. She does plan on working here thankfully. I already have a woman in my life that I have to contribute financially each month to, my mother And no I don't live with her I’m not going to cover for someone 100%. I’d rather stay single and live comfortably than married and semi broke each month. $1k is pretty much all I have left over each month to work with after all my expenses are paid for and after my car note will be paid off in a handful of payments. I’m cutting expenses like crazy now.

2 people on 1 income, no so happy. 2 people, 2 incomes would make life comfortable.

She works for a foreign company in Moscow and uses English on a daily basis, well at least M-F. I guess I should see about some cultural assimilation courses. I’m not really factoring in trips back to Russia for her after she comes here, if she wants out of RU so much, why would she want to take trips back That’s my logic, but I don’t think that’s going to apply. She’s also saving up on her end to cover for personal items once she gets here.

Your expenses are going to almost double, even if she has the luck to find work. If you are so concerned about how much money YOU will have, you could not have said any better: "stay single and live comfortably." The money you give to your mother while the two of you struggle MAY (see that I said MAY) become a source of conflict.

I know somebody who has multiple degrees, speaks English reasonably well, and has been in this country more than two years So far the only job she found was in Macy's for last holiday season. My wife got a job in two months because she was willing to do anything, even clean bathrooms. And despite the extra income, my expenses are certainly higher. At least now I don't have to pay for everything she needs.

And if you are expecting her to crash her first car (your confidence on your future wife is appalling), make sure that it is at least safe, or buy a good life insurance policy so you can get a lot of money out of the deal if she does not survive.

I’m getting more hesitant each day Her English is good, but with the job market the way it is, it’s not going to be easy to find good work regardless of who you are. I don’t think she’ll like the idea of working at Target or at the mall. She’s in an office environment now and from time to time, travels to western Euro countries on business.

I’ve been running the numbers on one income and I don’t like the looks of it. My monthly expenses are on a spreadsheet and I’m running simulations. I’m comfortable now. Even if I break even while living on my own, I would be a little stressed but ok as long as all of the bills are paid and have enough to eat. Just breaking even with 2 people would be double the stress for me in addition to her being stressed out. She does knows the finacial situation here and that we'll sink if she doesn't get a job within 2 years. No sugar coating on my end. If anything, I'm overly dramatic with the situation.

But on the flip side, if she wants out of RU so badly, she’ll have to deal with possibly not living so comfortably here until she starts working. She hates Moscow, done with the snow, so on so on...I’ve lived on a shoestring budget before and made it ok. A lot of immigrants are very successful in this country. They work hard, most of the time harder than Americans. She is motivated to earn a living so that’s a plus.

Very nice reason to marry. I wish you both the best of luck, seriously. Everybody deserves a chance to be happy. However, I think she can consider herself very lucky if she lands a job at Target or at the mall. If I am a hiring manager, why would I hire a foreigner with no proven experience when there are so many very well qualified applicants around? Think about it!

And despite hating Russia, I am pretty sure that someday she is going to want to travel back. For most people homesickness happens sooner rather than later. So, make sure to have a travel fund somewhere, even if it comes from her own salary.

Like I said before, if the "numbers" are so important to you, do yourself a favor: don't get married!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Cluelss makes a good case and speaks the truth (except about the car, it is mathmatically predictable she will crash the first car within a year, just stats)

Trying to calculate costs is a losing proposition and your battle plan, while it seems to cover all the bases will likely not survive first contact with the enemy. Employers are none too thrilled to offer jobs to immigrants with accents in a recession. You can believe that, or not. IF she speaks English well, she MAY be able to land a retail job, waitress job, etc. Maybe eve a bank teller. IF she is highly educated, she won't like it. It is not logical to believe she won;t want to return to Russia every year, or more than once a year.

You should, at the very least, work out these things WITH her beforehand. Many people have experienced the situation where the foreign fiancee had one idea (and their ideas are often very skewed) and the US citizen had quite another, has SHE said she does not want to go back every year? What about if there is an emergency? I mean, one thing I promised Alla was that there would ALWAYS be enough money that she could return to Ukraine TODAY if needed, on a moments notice. This can be a credit card with available balance if that is what works for you, but if they have family in a foreign country what are you going to say if her mother is hospitalized? Can't go back? Wait until next month? Is she going to accept it? Does she KNOW that's the case? The worst case scenario is that she has dreams of one thing and you are deciding she will have an "el cheapo" car, not go back for visits, she will work at whatever job she can get, etc. If that is the agreement, fine. If not, you need to re-think this big time.

I can say something else after being married for a long time and having raised children...there is never any money for "you". Forget it. The "money for me" amounts to one night of skeet shooting most weeks. About $25 with ammo. If the best and most enjoyable thing you can do with your money is spend it on your family, you will always be happy. If you will always compete for "what is left" you will be miserable every day of your life.

My advice would be to go into this figuring that your new wife is not going to add a nickle of income to your budget...ever, and is going to double or triple expenses (depends on what you need, if you are a bachelor it is highly unlikely you have all the stuff they "need") More if she decides to go to school. Can you handle it? Figure on one trip per year back to Russia, figure for both of you. That means a visa for you to Russia also. That's in addition to visiting your family here, whatever you do for that, I do not know. For us it means another 10 days every year and more travel.

The fees don't end for some time either. In two weeks I have to pay $1000 + for removal of conditions, then another $535 for removal of conditions again next year, then $800 for citizenship the next year. Then $400 for citizenship the next year...and that is if the fees don;t go up...traditionally they have. I started this process in 2007 and will not finish paying fees until 2013, and they are not unsubstantial. Plan for it.

[baron555 934]

Most folks would advise that if you have to really worry about the money aspects or are just not that financially secure, then international relationships are not the best bet.

Your relationship, if it is real, will only get stronger if you BOTH decide to wait until you both can handle the transition.

Also very excellent advice.....make these decisions together.

Edited September 26, 2010 by baron555

[slim 1,525]

The worst case scenario is that she has dreams of one thing and you are deciding she will have an "el cheapo" car, not go back for visits, she will work at whatever job she can get, etc. If that is the agreement, fine.

Keep in mind too, she may agree to this to get here and then change her mind afterward. "Why zis woman on show have a so nice house and a so nice car and not work in horrible job... her husband pay for everysink. How you event dare not take care about your wife how zis man take care about? You so lucky I come here. You must be pay. I not gonna work anymore."

there is never any money for "you"....

If you will always compete for "what is left" you will be miserable every day of your life.

Your misery is your own decision. However, Gary is correct when implying that age old adage, "her money is her money and your money is her money too."

It took me about two years to get my wife to finally understand the concept of a budget and finally start paying into our household expenses regularly. She was doing really well with it while working a full-time job at a chicken wings and beer joint. She was contributing about 1/3 of her pay to our budget and the rest was "hers" to do whatever she wanted with. However, it didn't take very long for her to justify quitting the job because "you waste all our extra money on your stupid stuff while I work so hard every each day and make so hard life for me.... only so you have a fun and waste zis money on your stupid s#!t? Unh, uh. I not gonna be work so hard so you can waste all money."

I attempted to explain how -

1. She was only paying her fair share and covering expenses she incurred. (What the hell do I need another cell phone, car, insurance, etc., for?)

2. She could up our "extra" money by contributing "extra" money at any time.

Both of those points were lost on what I call the "Real Housewives" concept. Anything associated with the apartment and/or "joint" expenses (rent, electric, gas, cable, phone, internet, cell phones, insurance - all the monthly "bills") is my responsibility because "she make for me privilege come here and live togeser whis me." The only thing she really comes out of pocket for is food (because I don't eat that healthy/organic #######... and therefore don't buy it) and her car. She still hasn't figured out a way to wriggle out of paying for that. I kind of think she's proud of paying for it so she can say it's hers and "you never pay for my car" whenever we talk about money.

All-in-all, I think she understands our financial situation very well but hangs on to that Soviet "money in the pocket" thing and just can't worry about bills. She'd rather have the $200 in her pocket than chip in on the light bill. If she can get me to pay it.... all the better!

I absolutely, flat-out refuse to pay for a car I don't drive, cosmetics I don't use, food I'm not going to eat, and school I'm not going to. She's more than capable of buying all that herself and if she won't... well, TS. I have to pay for an apartment and utilities anyway, whether she's here or not, so to say that's an "extra" expense is not quite true. Sure, I could live somewhere cheaper or use less gas, but that's not exactly something that's make it or break it.

I expect her to pay for "her" expenses that would be above and beyond my own. That being said, the balance was tipped in her favor initially and each passing year comes back toward me. (Or, toward 50/50 split, I should say.) I'm not one of those folks that thinks we should split everything right down the middle but I am one of those guys that thinks I have a young, childless wife who is fully capable of semi-supporting herself. Anything less isn't "unfair" - it's unacceptable.

is going to double or triple expenses (depends on what you need, if you are a bachelor it is highly unlikely you have all the stuff they "need") More if she decides to go to school. Can you handle it? Figure on one trip per year back to Russia, figure for both of you. That means a visa for you to Russia also.

Figure on what you want to figure on.

If she wants to go to school..... why can't she pay for it?

If she wants a car.... why can't she pay for it?

If she wants to go back to Russia.... why can't she pay for it?

It's one thing to "require" her to pay for expenses that are directly related to her becoming a part of your household. Quite another to bankroll the whole visa process, buy her a car, put her through college and give her an allowance.

Some here on VJ are content with their wife earning her own allowance and they call that good. I'm not one of them. My wife needs to earn her own allowance and then pay for her own expenses as well. She is an active part of our household and she didn't win the lottery, a jackpot, or a scholarship. She is an adult, afterall, and fully capable of doing so. If she doesn't like it..... too freakin bad.

The fees don't end for some time either. In two weeks I have to pay $1000 + for removal of conditions, then another $535 for removal of conditions again next year, then $800 for citizenship the next year. Then $400 for citizenship the next year...and that is if the fees don;t go up...traditionally they have. I started this process in 2007 and will not finish paying fees until 2013, and they are not unsubstantial. Plan for it.

Once again... why can't she pay her own fees?

By the time AOS rolls around, she's been here plenty long enough to have that kind of money saved. You pay for what you want to pay for and should only include this in the "entire process" budget if she's incapable or unwilling to pay for it herself. Or if you've included it in the lottery/jackpot/scholarship fund you awarded her when you went to go see her one of those six times you paid to travel over there.

Again... it's all up to you. Don't be swayed by these dudes that are telling you this process costs $25,000. It doesn't. You can choose to make it cost $50,000 but that's all up to you.

if you have to really worry about the money aspects or are just not that financially secure, then international relationships are not the best bet.

If you have to worry about money, international or not, you're not going to be the husband any woman dreams of.

Your relationship, if it is real, will only get stronger if you BOTH decide to wait until you both can handle the transition.

Or if you struggle through it together.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Keep in mind too, she may agree to this to get here and then change her mind afterward. "Why zis woman on show have a so nice house and a so nice car and not work in horrible job... her husband pay for everysink. How you event dare not take care about your wife how zis man take care about? You so lucky I come here. You must be pay. I not gonna work anymore."

Your misery is your own decision. However, Gary is correct when implying that age old adage, "her money is her money and your money is her money too."

It took me about two years to get my wife to finally understand the concept of a budget and finally start paying into our household expenses regularly. She was doing really well with it while working a full-time job at a chicken wings and beer joint. She was contributing about 1/3 of her pay to our budget and the rest was "hers" to do whatever she wanted with. However, it didn't take very long for her to justify quitting the job because "you waste all our extra money on your stupid stuff while I work so hard every each day and make so hard life for me.... only so you have a fun and waste zis money on your stupid s#!t? Unh, uh. I not gonna be work so hard so you can waste all money."

I attempted to explain how -

1. She was only paying her fair share and covering expenses she incurred. (What the hell do I need another cell phone, car, insurance, etc., for?)

2. She could up our "extra" money by contributing "extra" money at any time.

Both of those points were lost on what I call the "Real Housewives" concept. Anything associated with the apartment and/or "joint" expenses (rent, electric, gas, cable, phone, internet, cell phones, insurance - all the monthly "bills") is my responsibility because "she make for me privilege come here and live togeser whis me." The only thing she really comes out of pocket for is food (because I don't eat that healthy/organic #######... and therefore don't buy it) and her car. She still hasn't figured out a way to wriggle out of paying for that. I kind of think she's proud of paying for it so she can say it's hers and "you never pay for my car" whenever we talk about money.

All-in-all, I think she understands our financial situation very well but hangs on to that Soviet "money in the pocket" thing and just can't worry about bills. She'd rather have the $200 in her pocket than chip in on the light bill. If she can get me to pay it.... all the better!

I absolutely, flat-out refuse to pay for a car I don't drive, cosmetics I don't use, food I'm not going to eat, and school I'm not going to. She's more than capable of buying all that herself and if she won't... well, TS. I have to pay for an apartment and utilities anyway, whether she's here or not, so to say that's an "extra" expense is not quite true. Sure, I could live somewhere cheaper or use less gas, but that's not exactly something that's make it or break it.

I expect her to pay for "her" expenses that would be above and beyond my own. That being said, the balance was tipped in her favor initially and each passing year comes back toward me. (Or, toward 50/50 split, I should say.) I'm not one of those folks that thinks we should split everything right down the middle but I am one of those guys that thinks I have a young, childless wife who is fully capable of semi-supporting herself. Anything less isn't "unfair" - it's unacceptable.

Figure on what you want to figure on.

If she wants to go to school..... why can't she pay for it?

If she wants a car.... why can't she pay for it?

If she wants to go back to Russia.... why can't she pay for it?

It's one thing to "require" her to pay for expenses that are directly related to her becoming a part of your household. Quite another to bankroll the whole visa process, buy her a car, put her through college and give her an allowance.

Some here on VJ are content with their wife earning her own allowance and they call that good. I'm not one of them. My wife needs to earn her own allowance and then pay for her own expenses as well. She is an active part of our household and she didn't win the lottery, a jackpot, or a scholarship. She is an adult, afterall, and fully capable of doing so. If she doesn't like it..... too freakin bad.

Once again... why can't she pay her own fees?

By the time AOS rolls around, she's been here plenty long enough to have that kind of money saved. You pay for what you want to pay for and should only include this in the "entire process" budget if she's incapable or unwilling to pay for it herself. Or if you've included it in the lottery/jackpot/scholarship fund you awarded her when you went to go see her one of those six times you paid to travel over there.

Again... it's all up to you. Don't be swayed by these dudes that are telling you this process costs $25,000. It doesn't. You can choose to make it cost $50,000 but that's all up to you.

If you have to worry about money, international or not, you're not going to be the husband any woman dreams of.

Or if you struggle through it together.

I am not quarreling with your content Slim. She CAN pay for all her own stuff, why not? and yes, people can change their mind or whatever...who knows. BUT if she wants to go to school and she will pay for it, then discuss that now. Alla's tuition is $8000 per semester, she got a private grant for 50%. If she has a foreign degree of any type she is not eligible for government grqants for education. she needs to know this. I think if the woman is going to be paying $8000 per year for education in a country where she is not a native speaker, she should know before she decides to marry you. Like wise a car, AOS fees etc. I am simply saying to be up front and honest with HER and with YOURSELF. If her mother is hospitalized and she will not be able to go back right away...tell her this. She needs to make a grown up decision. If you think she only wants a "meal ticket" or the type of life with a traditional woman that cares for her husband and children while the man earns the living is not for you, then say so.

If you want her to have to pay for her own car, say so. "Yes, of course, you can have a car. You pay for it, you pay for driving lessons, you pay for gas and insurance and maintenance. OK?"

"Look, my utilities are going to increase when you arrive and I need you to pay for some of that...just your share"

You are all grown ups, you are getting married, that means your wife and family get first dibs at the cash...like it or not. YES she can add to the income but she could also become disabled, ill, injured. No one waits for shoes, school pictures, school books, food, medicine. clothes, insurance, gasoline, brake jobs, while I go skeet shooting. Dude, government fees are nothing! Peanuts.

Just be up front and honest with them, like you would with any person you want to share your life with.

[Used to be broken 147]

I would not be worried about the money, I would be worried about the 25/75 reasons for coming here. Regardless of what your realistic expectations it appears this is a formula for resentment very soon after she arrives. The entire process is an emotionally exhausting journey and that is added on to the first two years of marriage which for most people are the most difficult. If you go to the expense and navigate the government process only to later find out you were simply a ticket out of Moscow, you will be shocked to discover emotions you never knew you had. They will not be positive emotions my friend.

As someone mentioned the "bona-fides" are something you will have to deal with, and the folks who will scrutinize them are trained to detect brides who are 75% more invested in getting to America than being a newly wed with the love of their life.

I would not advise anyone to go down this road unless they felt the person who they were bringing here was coming for a life and future together based on mutual love, affection and respect.

[SMR 368]

To the OP, I think you made some statements that may or may not have been taken out of context and you've gotten some essays in response. There are a lot of good points made but they may or may not apply to your situation since none of us know much about you.

My thoughts on the issue (which is being discussed, but not directly related to the OP, necessarily) are that every successful marriage (immigration aside) needs a budget. That is, you need to sit down and agree how you are going to make ends meet, how you are going to make financial decisions, and what you are going to spend your money on. I'm the single breadwinner in our family and that is what we agreed on together. She is home with our son. Ends meet because we worked out a budget and stick to it (mostly. When we don't, we work out adjustments together that make the bottom line work out. Maybe I'm a little psychotic, but I have a spreadsheet that tells me where all the money went for the last year, down to how much we spent on gas and how many times we bought ice cream)

With the immigration issue, particularly from Eastern Europe and financially similar countries, you add a certain problem. Unless the FSU spouse was VERY well off in the FSU, they weren't making more than the equivalent of $2,000 a month. For many it may be as low as $500 or even less if they lived in a small city. As an American, if the USC spouse has a degree and decent job, he or she may be making as much as $5-6k/ month (if further along in a career, maybe much more). The FSU spouse was likely making ends meet one way or another on the lower salary and things aren't cheaper in the FSU (except for bread, don't get me started on the poor state of bread in America, and public transportation). So, at least in the back of his or her mind, the FSU spouse is thinking that on an American salary there aught to be a solid $4k of disposable income a month.

The USC spouse has to explain all of this and the only way to do this is by making a budget. Demonstrate the difference between gross and take-home pay (listed Russian salaries are always take-home. You don't pay the first 30% in taxes and then lose some to SS, medicaid, medicare, and your health insurance. If you make $1k, you take home a check that says $1k, provided they pay you). Then subtract off for housing, cars, insurance, gas, savings, food, and any other set expenses. And no matter who is bringing home the dough and how much, my advice is that it all goes in to the pot and you work out how to spend it together. Then, unless someone doesn't follow the plan, any and all problems that arise are yours together. Otherwise, when there isn't money for x or y, it'll result in an argument. If you already agreed how to spend the money and money for x or y wasn't in the plan, what can you argue about? You can chose to change the plan together, but then you have to take something else out of the plan so that it all adds up. This works well for us since even though I bring home the money, it's not solely my responsibility to pay the rent. It's our money and we pay the rent.

As far as the 75/25, I understand that sometimes you say things without really meaning it all the way. So take this with about as much seriousness as you meant in your original comment. But I definitely would not repeat anything of that sort to an immigration official. And my main concern is based on the fact that life for a professional with the ability for travel living in Moscow is not that bad. And by that, I mean that it isn't that much worse than life in the USA. If she has political, social, or cultural reasons for wanting to leave, that's one thing. But if her reasons for leaving are economic, she's probably going to be disappointed. If she's traveled to Western Europe, she understands the salary disparity. But for complicated reasons that I have alluded to, that doesn't translate 1 to 1 to a standard of living disparity. She probably doesn't fully understand that.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

SMR hits some really good points and one being the difference in incomes and perceptions. It is something that is hard to explain before hand and can cause a lot of pressure and hard feelings. Tell someone from the FSU that you make $5000 per month and they just think there ought to be AT LEAST $4000 in cash to play with every month, Ahaaaaaaaaaaa!! NO WONDER you can buy plane tickets to Ukraine/Russia! You ARE a rich American! Hmmm....seems like if a new car costs $20,000, and we forego a trip to Ukraine for 4 months, we ought to be able to buy a new car...CASH. I promise you, they think these things. Intelligent, educated, experienced adults who have been making a living on $1000 or $1500 per month, and living fairly well, simply can't imagine what you would possibly be able to spend $5000 on, unless you travel a lot and have lots of neat "stuff".

So this is why it is important to discuss budgets, income, expenses even the method you are paid (they expect you get handed a very large wad of cash every month) The idea of weekly/bi-weekly pay and direct deposit doesn't sink in until well after they are here. Russia and Ukraine are still largely a cash society.

[sea-monkey 13]

The FSU spouse does have a decent salary in Moscow. She would leave that position behind mainly for me. She has no other ties here besides me. I have showed her news photos of the job fair lines where they are stretched around blocks and the grim outlook we have now. It’s not that bad now in Moscow. She is stunned and fazed by it but she and I are willing to sacrifice some to start a family together here.

She lives on her own and pays for her own car so she can budget ok. When I was doing my taxes in April, I did explain to her the process I was going through and showed her the amount/percent the govt takes and that I still owe while filing She has income taxes just like we do. Car insurance, car payments, gym membership, etc. Nearly the same standard of living that we have here. Of course I told her she wouldn’t have any of that here until she had a job and she’s ok with that.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

The FSU spouse does have a decent salary in Moscow. She would leave that position behind mainly for me. She has no other ties here besides me. I have showed her news photos of the job fair lines where they are stretched around blocks and the grim outlook we have now. It’s not that bad now in Moscow. She is stunned and fazed by it but she and I are willing to sacrifice some to start a family together here.

She lives on her own and pays for her own car so she can budget ok. When I was doing my taxes in April, I did explain to her the process I was going through and showed her the amount/percent the govt takes and that I still owe while filing She has income taxes just like we do. Car insurance, car payments, gym membership, etc. Nearly the same standard of living that we have here. Of course I told her she wouldn’t have any of that here until she had a job and she’s ok with that.

Great! Yes there will be huge tax breaks. Of course if you were clever you would marry an FSU chick with two kids because then you REALLY get a good tax deal. I went from paying $2600 the year before they arrived to getting back $7000 + the next year! Almost a $10,000 difference. The fallacy would be to believe that "Uncle Sam" paid for it. It was my money anyway.

I am surprised if she is really paying taxes. Maybe. Most FSU people have found a way to make very little "white money" and the rest is under the table without taxes. The income tax rates in Ukraine are crazy, but few people actually pay them anyway.

At any rate, continue being honest. Alla also had a very good job and lifestyle, we kept our flat their for vacations and future investment. But in general her life her is basically the same except she does not work 60 hours per week, she agrees this is a better deal and better for the family. And while she has plans to work in the future and use the degree she is working on, I will then retire completely instead of half way ans SHE can pay for everything (which will make Slim happy...just kidding) She will not make as much money as I do now, or she did in Ukraine, but it is her dream job and will allow us some travel, so my retirement will supplement her income in the job she really WANTS but doesn't pay a whole lot. But we will be able to live on "paid vacations" in exotic places (so we hope anyway)

[slim 1,525]

I am not quarreling with your content Slim.

I know. You state your situation and I state mine. We're not quarreling... we just present different sitautions!

we worked out a budget and stick to it

If you're the breadwinner and she's stuck at home raising kids.... she doesn't have much choice, does she?

she and I are willing to sacrifice some to start a family together here.

Knock her up quick, and you'll be cool. As long as her "job" is making the home and raising kids, she'll make do with whatever budget you guys "agree" on.

I told her she wouldn’t have any of that here until she had a job and she’s ok with that.

She's OK with that now.....

SHE can pay for everything (which will make Slim happy...just kidding)

I'd love to pay for everything, but what I'd really love is for my wife, who agreed to make do with what we had and work hard to get what WE want, to follow through on her end of that bargain.

Somewhere along the way she changed her mind and what we had hasn't been good enough. We worked a little towards what SHE wanted and, surprise surprise, that hasn't been good enough either. It's never good enough.

Good luck, OP. I hope it works out for you. But, be advised, if your girl is even the slightest bit materialistic and enjoys "the finer things" in Moscow, she's not going to be satisfied with a run of the mill lifestyle here in the plain ol' boring US of A. If you guys have fun together and she's hot, go ahead, marry her. You can make it work if she's serious about making a good life here. But...

I'd suggest choosing a younger model for you and having her upgrade to a guy that's at least 10 to 15 years older than her if you suspect she's trying to "move up" by making the trip here. If you're just looking for a hottie, there are plenty available that will be happy with a "normal" life here in the US.

Choose wisely, grasshopper. Either way... it will be interesting!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I'd love to pay for everything, but what I'd really love is for my wife, who agreed to make do with what we had and work hard to get what WE want, to follow through on her end of that bargain.

Somewhere along the way she changed her mind and what we had hasn't been good enough. We worked a little towards what SHE wanted and, surprise surprise, that hasn't been good enough either. It's never good enough.

Good luck, OP. I hope it works out for you. But, be advised, if your girl is even the slightest bit materialistic and enjoys "the finer things" in Moscow, she's not going to be satisfied with a run of the mill lifestyle here in the plain ol' boring US of A. If you guys have fun together and she's hot, go ahead, marry her. You can make it work if she's serious about making a good life here. But...

I'd suggest choosing a younger model for you and having her upgrade to a guy that's at least 10 to 15 years older than her if you suspect she's trying to "move up" by making the trip here. If you're just looking for a hottie, there are plenty available that will be happy with a "normal" life here in the US.

Choose wisely, grasshopper. Either way... it will be interesting!

Knock her up quick?

My first wife was like that until I was making an obscene amount of money which I would be embarassed to disclose at this point and I was still struggling to pay for the electric bill every month! #######! The kind that can always spend $100 more than you make, no matter how much it is.

I will say that Alla's ideas have changed, she wanted to "learn the language better" which meant more school, but then that turned into a Master's Degree in English, OK, that wasn't what we discussed but we are getting it done and she is earning some money which was not the plan either. I would say we are living as we expected overall. I would also say that our leisure time has been dictated by her school schedule which was not the plan at all, but I can deal with it for a few more months. Not the end of the world and not permanent. I will also say we have a master plan for the future and this is part of that so we are just not at the "good part" of the plan yet.

But the plan. as you point out Slim, is not always followed completely so I guess you have to allow for that.

[baron555 934]

The FSU spouse does have a decent salary in Moscow. She would leave that position behind mainly for me. She has no other ties here besides me. I have showed her news photos of the job fair lines where they are stretched around blocks and the grim outlook we have now. Its not that bad now in Moscow. She is stunned and fazed by it but she and I are willing to sacrifice some to start a family together here.

She lives on her own and pays for her own car so she can budget ok. When I was doing my taxes in April, I did explain to her the process I was going through and showed her the amount/percent the govt takes and that I still owe while filing She has income taxes just like we do. Car insurance, car payments, gym membership, etc. Nearly the same standard of living that we have here. Of course I told her she wouldnt have any of that here until she had a job and shes ok with that.

There has been a lot of excellent discussion concerning the financial matters and differences that need to be vetted out when bringing a spouse over from the FSU to the US. This ought to be made into a sticky.

My personal experience echos everything perfectly. My wife's percentages were:

Want to Leave Russia: 0%

Want to Live with me: 100%

She had carved out a nice life for herself and her young son in Moscow and we had tons of discussions (sometimes we almost called it off) about finances and how much I make and how much I have to spend and what kind of job she could get here, etc etc.

She even spoke to other folks verifying the facts and discussing the same, Russians already living here and even Gary's Alla and my Alla met up and discussed these details. That was very helpful.

Off the top of my head, expenses that are foreign to them will be mortgage payments (30 years? Why?), real estate taxes, income taxes, income tax returns. She is aghast at the high cost (and foolishness) of our medical system but just loves the low priced clothes of decent quality and the low priced food also of good quality.

So you have a lot to talk about and you should engage her now before she comes so that she is not surprised.

My Alla now discusses the same with women who are planning to come over to their new spouse and she would be happy to call your fiancee to discuss the same if you both want.

Phil

Hint: Send her some junk mail flyers from food markets and the new Home Depot or Kohls or Penneys catalogs so she can get an idea of what things cost.

Edited September 28, 2010 by baron555

[slim 1,525]

I will say that Alla's ideas have changed....

.... that wasn't what we discussed

..... was not the plan either.

...... was not the plan at all

........ not at the "good part" of the plan yet.

Do you figure into this at all?

the plan..... is not always followed completely so I guess you have to allow for that.

Sounds like her plan is working out quite nicely since you allow it.

Not trying to knock your relationship, Gary, I know it works for you guys and I know you're happy in it. Just pointing out to the OP that some, none, or ALL of the above could happen to him too and unless he's content to just throw money at his wife and allow her to do whatever she wants, he won't be happy.

She is aghast at the high cost (and foolishness) of our medical system

I refuse to pay for medical insurance.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Do you figure into this at all?

Sounds like her plan is working out quite nicely since you allow it.

Not trying to knock your relationship, Gary, I know it works for you guys and I know you're happy in it. Just pointing out to the OP that some, none, or ALL of the above could happen to him too and unless he's content to just throw money at his wife and allow her to do whatever she wants, he won't be happy.

I refuse to pay for medical insurance.

gee Slim, you had to go and putit that way.

Yes I figure into this. We can...so we do. Alla is my wife and the boys, all 4 of them, and a grandson and I will do anything I CAN do for them. If it will not kill me, why not? I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth (sorry Shawn, but I'M the luckiest guy you know)