What if your other half develops a friendship...

[salgood411 0]

So during your seperation of however many miles it is, your OH develops what seems to be a close (take your mind out the gutter) friendship with someone of the opposite sex...

Issue?

Now here we are talking about your fiancé “DEVELOPING", (key word), a new relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Did he/she initiate it? Actually it doesn't matter. How many of you enjoy sex here? Honestly? A long absence? A new friendship? Now this isn't someone that he or she has known prior to the relationship, which would somewhat qualify the friendship, like an acquaintance, friend of the family or such. Why would you develop a new relationship? Personally I believe this could or would present a temptation. It would be, in simple terms, like leaving the cookie jar exposed in front of the kids, and while we are not children, we are never the less being and allowing ourselves to be subjected and exposed to temptation. So the answer is you either do or you don't have a relationship and relationships truly need to be equally yoked. Why cast doubts. Come on now! They say that love is blind but it doesn’t have to be stupid, right? Myself I will avoid this type of situation because even if my fiancé doesn’t say anything it could present doubt. Also remember perception is reality to many.

Just one writers opinion.

[salgood411 0]

So during your seperation of however many miles it is, your OH develops what seems to be a close (take your mind out the gutter) friendship with someone of the opposite sex...

Issue?

Now here we are talking about your fiancé “DEVELOPING", (key word), a new friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Did he/she initiate it? Actually it doesn't matter. How many of you enjoy sex here? Honestly? A long absence? A new friendship? Now this isn't someone that he or she has known prior to your relationship which would somewhat qualify the friendship, like an acquaintance, friend of the family and such. Why would you develop a new relationship? Personally I believe this could or would present a temptation. It would be, in simple terms, like leaving the cookie jar exposed in front of the kids, and while we are not children, we are never the less being and allowing ourselves to be subjected and exposed to temptation. So the answer is you either do or you don't have a relationship and relationships truly need to be equally yoked. Why cast doubts. Come on now! They say that love is blind but it doesn’t have to be stupid, right? Myself I will avoid this type of situation because even if my fiancé doesn’t say anything it could present doubt. Also remember perception is reality to many.

Just one writers opinion.

[Fandango 1,439]

So during your seperation of however many miles it is, your OH develops what seems to be a close (take your mind out the gutter) friendship with someone of the opposite sex...

Issue?

Now here we are talking about your fiancé “DEVELOPING", (key word), a new relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Did he/she initiate it? Actually it doesn't matter. How many of you enjoy sex here? Honestly? A long absence? A new friendship? Now this isn't someone that he or she has known prior to the relationship, which would somewhat qualify the friendship, like an acquaintance, friend of the family or such. Why would you develop a new relationship? Personally I believe this could or would present a temptation. It would be, in simple terms, like leaving the cookie jar exposed in front of the kids, and while we are not children, we are never the less being and allowing ourselves to be subjected and exposed to temptation. So the answer is you either do or you don't have a relationship and relationships truly need to be equally yoked. Why cast doubts. Come on now! They say that love is blind but it doesn’t have to be stupid, right? Myself I will avoid this type of situation because even if my fiancé doesn’t say anything it could present doubt. Also remember perception is reality to many.

Just one writers opinion.

Where does trust come into play, though?

[Karen_L 1]

My fiance' had a large group of friends in his dorm in Italy and many members of this group were girls. I never believed anything was "going on" between him and any of these girls, and I've met them all when I visited, but it always made me uncomfortable because, as I saw/see it, they were all so much more stylish, beautiful, feminine, well-groomed, and THIN (!) than I am (or than I consider myself to be) and it made me uncomfortable to hang around with them/hear about him hanging around with them because by comparison, I knew I must seem very ugly and unattractive. I mean, these girls would spend 2 - 3 hours before leaving the house applying layers of make-up and fussing over their clothing and they always look so radiant when they're finally ready to "get the show on the road." Including a shower, it usually takes me like 40 - 60 minutes. If I'd already showered, it takes me like 10 - 15 and the best look I can ever conjure for myself would best be desribed as "plain" lol. I know from past experiences that my fiance' really appreciates the kind of look that these lady friends have and I think he wishes I were more that way; *I* say that not everyone is the same and that I will never be that kind of person (who fusses over herself so much). I wear make-up, etc. but only like 1/5th what these friends of his slather on everyday.

I realize none of this was my fiance's fault or the fault of his friends and that it IS my problem, but I guess the "having a problem with it" for me was based upon my own insecurities and not on my trusting him or not. I also know that you should try not to compare yourself with other people, but I often can't help it, especially around people like his "amiche" who spend SO much time on themselves and are so pretty. I would often make excuses during my visits to Italy NOT to spend time with them, evne though they were always pleasant enough, (i.e. fake stomach aches/head aches) because I felt stupid/bad being like "Yeah, sorry, but I can't hang around such beautiful girls; I look so homely by comparison and it's embarassing for both you and me."

So, basically: Yes, I WOULD have a problem with it if my fiance' developed another friendship with a girl, esp. if it was a one-on-one situation and she were anything like his friends in Italy (so pretty, etc) but not because I don't trust him not to cheat.

[PlatyPius 5]

Yanno what I find funny......

Overwhelmingly (in the 66% right now) no one would have a probbo

also in the 80% no one would doubt our partners..

yet over 50% would doubt the friend.

I find that akin to when a partner cheats, the other blames the third party. If you trust your partner...that also means trusting your partner to make good judgement calls with people...so why project what (seems to me) as being uncomfortable with a mixed sex friendship onto a person you've never met? Just come outright and say so...because if you doubt the friend, then that 66% is wrong cos ppl are lying, maybe even to themselves

That's just the way I see it!

Friendships can often lead elsewhere.

It does take two to tango, but I've often seen mixed sex friendships where one party clearly has a desire to be more than friends, even if the other party is oblivious to the fact

Of course I agree with you completely...they CAN...but what I'm saying is, people are lying on the poll.

Now it's 64% saying they would be suspicious of the friend yet 80% wouldn't be suspicious of the partner. Why suspicion on another person? Why place the 'sinister motives' on the other individual only?

But my main point is 64% have a probbo with the friend, yet 60% say there would be no issue with the friendship. To me, these two figures contradict each other. If you have a suspicion then you have problem -I'm not saying this in the 'you have a problem with yourself' insulty way, but suspicion is a problem, no? it denotes that you're not entirey comfortable with a situation.

So if there's a problem, it's an issue

I would only be suspicious of the friends' *intent* The poll only asks about his/her intent, not whether I think anything would happen. I trust Sian to not fool around. That is unshakable. Her "intent" is not in question. However, I wouldn't know the friend, so I could have no idea of his "intent".

[Fandango 1,439]

Yanno what I find funny......

Overwhelmingly (in the 66% right now) no one would have a probbo

also in the 80% no one would doubt our partners..

yet over 50% would doubt the friend.

I find that akin to when a partner cheats, the other blames the third party. If you trust your partner...that also means trusting your partner to make good judgement calls with people...so why project what (seems to me) as being uncomfortable with a mixed sex friendship onto a person you've never met? Just come outright and say so...because if you doubt the friend, then that 66% is wrong cos ppl are lying, maybe even to themselves

That's just the way I see it!

Friendships can often lead elsewhere.

It does take two to tango, but I've often seen mixed sex friendships where one party clearly has a desire to be more than friends, even if the other party is oblivious to the fact

Of course I agree with you completely...they CAN...but what I'm saying is, people are lying on the poll.

Now it's 64% saying they would be suspicious of the friend yet 80% wouldn't be suspicious of the partner. Why suspicion on another person? Why place the 'sinister motives' on the other individual only?

But my main point is 64% have a probbo with the friend, yet 60% say there would be no issue with the friendship. To me, these two figures contradict each other. If you have a suspicion then you have problem -I'm not saying this in the 'you have a problem with yourself' insulty way, but suspicion is a problem, no? it denotes that you're not entirey comfortable with a situation.

So if there's a problem, it's an issue

I would only be suspicious of the friends' *intent* The poll only asks about his/her intent, not whether I think anything would happen. I trust Sian to not fool around. That is unshakable. Her "intent" is not in question. However, I wouldn't know the friend, so I could have no idea of his "intent".

The poll askes if one would have an issue with it....and if you are suspicious, I'm thinking that's a problem.

[rebeccajo 14]

I agree with Lisa.

I'm not going to tell you how I answered the poll. But to me, if you are going to be REALLY PAINFULLY HONEST with yourself - well having a problem with the 'friend' means you have a problem.

I think it's a woman thing. Some of the guys are going to disagree with me, but I believe women are much more intuitive than men when it comes to personal matters and are usually better able to discern motives. Sure some women are the jealous type. But most aren't. Woman just have relationship radar and it's impossible to turn it off.

So then you have a problem. Your radar is going off, but you don't want to discuss it with your man, cause you don't want him to think you are a screaming jealous banshee.

[Karen_L 1]

So then you have a problem. Your radar is going off, but you don't want to discuss it with your man, cause you don't want him to think you are a screaming jealous banshee.

I consider myself the "jealous type" and I realize that my jealousy stems from my own insecurities, so I try not to bombard my fiance' with every jealous feeling I have. Instead, I try and figure out in my own mind what exactly is bothering me and 9/10 times, I'm feeling badly about myself and projecting those feelings onto the situation, or something else that has nothing to do with what my fiance' is/is not doing.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Yanno what I find funny......

Overwhelmingly (in the 66% right now) no one would have a probbo

also in the 80% no one would doubt our partners..

yet over 50% would doubt the friend.

I find that akin to when a partner cheats, the other blames the third party. If you trust your partner...that also means trusting your partner to make good judgement calls with people...so why project what (seems to me) as being uncomfortable with a mixed sex friendship onto a person you've never met? Just come outright and say so...because if you doubt the friend, then that 66% is wrong cos ppl are lying, maybe even to themselves

That's just the way I see it!

Friendships can often lead elsewhere.

It does take two to tango, but I've often seen mixed sex friendships where one party clearly has a desire to be more than friends, even if the other party is oblivious to the fact

Seen it lived it. Had a best friend of the opposite sex for years. When he found out Tim and I were marrying, his motives changed. It is a shame because I really did care for him very much, but did not feel comfortable continuing with a friendship.

[PlatyPius 5]

I agree with Lisa.

I'm not going to tell you how I answered the poll. But to me, if you are going to be REALLY PAINFULLY HONEST with yourself - well having a problem with the 'friend' means you have a problem.

I think it's a woman thing. Some of the guys are going to disagree with me, but I believe women are much more intuitive than men when it comes to personal matters and are usually better able to discern motives.

Then why do so many women end up with jerks and a$$hats?

[Jenn! 918]

I agree with Lisa.

I'm not going to tell you how I answered the poll. But to me, if you are going to be REALLY PAINFULLY HONEST with yourself - well having a problem with the 'friend' means you have a problem.

I think it's a woman thing. Some of the guys are going to disagree with me, but I believe women are much more intuitive than men when it comes to personal matters and are usually better able to discern motives.

Then why do so many women end up with jerks and a$$hats?

Cuz that's what they really want deep down, right?

And actually, after giving it some more thought, I would want to change my vote. I originally voted that it would be an issue, I wouldn't be distrustful of my SO's intentions, and I would be distrustful of the other woman's intentions. To be honest, I wouldn't trust my husband's intentions if he were to befriend a woman, because it's not something that he thinks is appropriate, that is, friendship with the opposite sex. If he were to suddenly think that it was OK, I would think that something must be up...

Edited August 18, 2006 by jenn3539

[gwenneh 7]

...and it's no, nay, never...

I trust my husband. I trusted him when we were 3500 miles apart and had no idea where our relationship was headed. He has female friends. Some of them are hotter than me. Some of them are attracted to him-he's an attractive guy. Some are both at once.

The bottom line is that I feel that my husband would never have any kind of inappropriate relationship with another woman. Period. Whether or not she was interested-all I see in her interest would be a reaffirmation of my own good taste!-or whether or not he was oblivious, I still would trust him. It makes no difference to me; I know I'm the one in his life, the one he wants, the one he fought for and in the end, won. There's a lot of security in that.

[jezebelseven 0]

No, No, Yes being my votes, I thought I'd explain a little.

It wouldn't be an issue because I'd be a complete hypocrite. My best friend (who I really don't see that often, but we go out about 3 times a year to concerts and whatnot) is a male, and actually an ex. My fiance has no problem with it, he knows I have no interest in this guy in that way anymore (And he also knows that the ex also cheated on me, so that probably helps him know I wouldn't go back with him). I do have to wonder if my fiance, however, ever worries that when I am out with a friend if they might force themselves on me or something, but I'm assuming that's a bit covered in the last question.

The reason I voted yes on the third isn't because I'd actually think the new friend had bad intentions, it's just that I'd be more suspicious of them in comparison to my fiance, only because I don't know the new friend at all, so I don't know her intentions. I know his intentions, I don't know hers, basically.

If something did happen, I'm definately not the type to blame the third party only, as evidenced with other relationships in which I have been cheated on. My anger was more towards my boyfriends at the time, not the other people they cheated on me with.

[gwenneh 7]

I'd like to add that since my last vote was a no...

Why would it matter what her intentions were; she'd not get to act on them short of rape. That, of course, would be a whole different ballgame...

[luvaLimey 0]

So during your seperation of however many miles it is, your OH develops what seems to be a close (take your mind out the gutter) friendship with someone of the opposite sex...

Issue?

Now here we are talking about your fiancé “DEVELOPING", (key word), a new relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Did he/she initiate it? Actually it doesn't matter. How many of you enjoy sex here? Honestly? A long absence? A new friendship? Now this isn't someone that he or she has known prior to the relationship, which would somewhat qualify the friendship, like an acquaintance, friend of the family or such. Why would you develop a new relationship?

Well, I don't know, but maybe you work with somone that you become friends with. Maybe you meet someone and just plain get along with them. There may be nothing sexual between the two people. Just becuase a man and a woman spend time together, or share a laugh, doesn't mean they are going to end up sleeping together.