verbal threats

[J&N* 68]

GET OUT of this relationship, right away, why wait for him to get physically violent when he showed all signs of being so violent?

Shame on you if you sit and take it.

[Jenn! 918]

no, it's not like that at all. this is more like inviting someone you know has raped before into your house, thinking they'll behave differently because they're in yr house now and yr somehow "different" than the others. doesn't remove a bit of the rapist's culpability, but it sure is stupid to invite a known rapist into yr house anyways.

Yes, it is like that. It is never ok to point the finger at the victim of an abusive situation. Of course it might make some people feel smart and superior to do so.

[doodlebugg 10]

My sister was sexually abused as a young child by an old man down the street. She was called a #######. She was 7 years old.

She was later gangraped in high school. The next day entering the cafeteria she was greeted by the football team that chanted ####### and ####### while she walked to her seat.

She later entered into an abusive marriage where she wasn't allowed to talk to her family for a while and was beat up for just about anything she did. My parents blamed her and said that they were removing themselves from her life. She eventually got him arrested when he tried to slit her throat and she cried for the police to not be brutal to him - she was still in love with him.

I could go on but similar situations happened through the years and each time instead of blanketing her with love and giving her gentle encouragement and unconditional friendship she was blamed.

My sister killed herself April 25, 2010.

Say what you want, blame the victim, crucify the battered wife while she's down on the floor. Just tell me how you sleep at night knowing that you've sent the victim down another notch of self hatred.

[Laveau 67]

My sister was sexually abused as a young child by an old man down the street. She was called a #######. She was 7 years old.

She was later gangraped in high school. The next day entering the cafeteria she was greeted by the football team that chanted ####### and ####### while she walked to her seat.

She later entered into an abusive marriage where she wasn't allowed to talk to her family for a while and was beat up for just about anything she did. My parents blamed her and said that they were removing themselves from her life. She eventually got him arrested when he tried to slit her throat and she cried for the police to not be brutal to him - she was still in love with him.

I could go on but similar situations happened through the years and each time instead of blanketing her with love and giving her gentle encouragement and unconditional friendship she was blamed.

My sister killed herself April 25, 2010.

Say what you want, blame the victim, crucify the battered wife while she's down on the floor. Just tell me how you sleep at night knowing that you've sent the victim down another notch of self hatred.

I'm very sorry to hear about your sister. To the OP, what ever you decide to do I hope you come out happy and on top.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

My sister was sexually abused as a young child by an old man down the street. She was called a #######. She was 7 years old.

She was later gangraped in high school. The next day entering the cafeteria she was greeted by the football team that chanted ####### and ####### while she walked to her seat.

She later entered into an abusive marriage where she wasn't allowed to talk to her family for a while and was beat up for just about anything she did. My parents blamed her and said that they were removing themselves from her life. She eventually got him arrested when he tried to slit her throat and she cried for the police to not be brutal to him - she was still in love with him.

I could go on but similar situations happened through the years and each time instead of blanketing her with love and giving her gentle encouragement and unconditional friendship she was blamed.

My sister killed herself April 25, 2010.

Say what you want, blame the victim, crucify the battered wife while she's down on the floor. Just tell me how you sleep at night knowing that you've sent the victim down another notch of self hatred.

I am so sorry Bridge

Its horrible to be the victim of this as well as the family member of someone being abused. I firmly believe that people who bully battered women ,that includes women who bully the victims are in some way missing something....until you have been at the receiving end of someone hitting you, you cant imagine what it does to every single aspect of your life..it destroys your future, your hope, your ability to stand back up, your ability to start over..

I havent heard much on here from anyone about verbal abuse...its devastating to be called names..When someone is strong enough to talk to someone else about it, listen but dont bash....you can save someones life by being kind....its very hard to live through this...

[doodlebugg 10]

I am so sorry Bridge

Its horrible to be the victim of this as well as the family member of someone being abused. I firmly believe that people who bully battered women ,that includes women who bully the victims are in some way missing something....until you have been at the receiving end of someone hitting you, you cant imagine what it does to every single aspect of your life..it destroys your future, your hope, your ability to stand back up, your ability to start over..

I havent heard much on here from anyone about verbal abuse...its devastating to be called names..When someone is strong enough to talk to someone else about it, listen but dont bash....you can save someones life by being kind....its very hard to live through this...

Thanks. It's extremely difficult to be the Monday night quarterback too. Looking back every night I think of what I could have done to make things different. What I wouldn't give to have just a five second hug from her. She gave the BEST hugs in the world. I was probably as much to blame as anyone - once one person has the idea that "tough love" is the way to go it's hard not to follow suit. Little did we know she needed just the opposite. Don't get me wrong, there were other factors involved - she was manic depressive so dealing with the mood swings was very difficult when she refused to take her medication but still, I think that we as a society here have a long way to go in becoming compassionate to those who are suffering. We're all so busy with our own lives that it's just too much energy to stop and say I love you or to give just a word or two of encouragement. *sigh* I'm just rambling but it irks me that this still goes on.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I'm not putting certain things out there...although I do post a lot of personal stuff. There are some things that are better said behind the scenes...I hope you understand.

I have helped many MANY women through these kinds of situations actually. I've been doing it for many years. It's always easier to help someone else rather than oneself. You know the phrase "easier said than done"? Yes, that applies here. It's so easy to tell someone to get out when you see all of the red flags. As someone who is currently in a harsh situation, I live the "easier said than done" lifestyle at the moment. I have helped some couples to fix issues on this subject and I have also helped others to get out while they still could. I've done extensive studies on Culture shock, depression, abuse (verbal/physical), etc. I'm no expert (obviously) but I do have years of experience in it on a friend-to-friend basis. I think I do have the ability to help someone in these situations and, quite honestly, I find it better to listen and offer to help rather than to insult the person who is reaching out. Again, I may not be strong enough to help myself out of my situation, but I will do everything I can to help any other woman out of theirs (or help them to fix it) so that they do not have to endure what I've experienced.

Maybe that will help some people to understand where I'm coming from. I'm sure there will be a handful of people to come and slander my every word as soon as they see this. That's alright though. I do what I can for those that I feel I can help...and even some that I know I can't help. That's just a part of who I am and helping others is what makes me the most happy...especially when I see them succeeding later on.

Didnt you buy a house with him? Thats WORSE than divorce ESPECIALLY in this market YIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

[Mithra 1,185]

Doodlebugg - I'm very sorry to hear about your sister.

I've never been abused before so yeah I don't know what it's like however, I do know that if my husband got physical with me or called me names or whatever in Egypt, I sure as hell wouldn't have gone through with immigration. I know that much. Abuse can't be pleasant in any form. I can't imagine that it's pleasant and no one is blaming anyone for being abused. I do have to wonder what goes through the mind of a victim of abuse when she's home free and completely away from her abuser yet actively pursues a visa (for the abuser) to enable the abuse to continue. I can't imagine there is psychobabble convincing enough to explain that.

[amal 4]

Didnt you buy a house with him? Thats WORSE than divorce ESPECIALLY in this market YIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

Yes I bought a house with him. Things were going very well prior to us deciding to buy the house so I never gave it a second thought. It was cheaper, not to mention a great interest rate, and his family would see that he was succeeding. It wasn't until after buying the house that things went really down hill...Now I have this house, my credit, my son's school (which he went from c's and d's...to a's and b's), my work, my "home" being 16 hours away, and the fact that I can't find my way out of a wet paper sack....much less find my way accross the states...All of these things, and more, make it so difficult to leave. It's not as easy as just walking out (for me). He won't leave either. It's tough

I had like 8 paragraphs written out about verbal abuse ....hit a button on my mouse....and it refreshed my page..... and deleted every word. I'm really upset! It was good too....

[IncorrectPolitics 26]

My sister was sexually abused as a young child by an old man down the street. She was called a #######. She was 7 years old.

She was later gangraped in high school. The next day entering the cafeteria she was greeted by the football team that chanted ####### and ####### while she walked to her seat.

She later entered into an abusive marriage where she wasn't allowed to talk to her family for a while and was beat up for just about anything she did. My parents blamed her and said that they were removing themselves from her life. She eventually got him arrested when he tried to slit her throat and she cried for the police to not be brutal to him - she was still in love with him.

I could go on but similar situations happened through the years and each time instead of blanketing her with love and giving her gentle encouragement and unconditional friendship she was blamed.

My sister killed herself April 25, 2010.

Say what you want, blame the victim, crucify the battered wife while she's down on the floor. Just tell me how you sleep at night knowing that you've sent the victim down another notch of self hatred.

That is horrible I am so sorry.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I dont have anything profound to add.

I just wanted to say that there are some very kind women on this board who will be there for you through whatever you choose to do.

It sounds like you have a good grasp on whats going on here and you just need the strength to make the decision.

good luck

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I just had a talk with my husband today, Asked him if he thinks our relationship is a normal happy one and his answer was "yes, there is nothing with our relationship, all couples disagree on things and pass under stress, but now I am working and all will be good". I told him I talked to an attorney, he said I misunderstood him when he was talking and yelling, he was just telling me that he could have done all those things to others, but he wouldn't because he is a nice guy" he said he'll never use nor hurt anyone and that I am too Americanized that is why I misunderstood his intentions" and so on. he was very calm with fixed eyes, no emotions in them at all, then he hugged me and kissed me telling me he married me because he loved him. Did that happen to you?

I read all your posts today. I am worried for you sharing with your predator details of your escape. There is no doubt in me he is a predator of you. If you are not wise to this until now I would keep details to yourself of any future dealings to yourself like a white rabbit in hiding. I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in and I only hope it hasn't ended badly for you.

[JeanneVictoria 55]

I just had a talk with my husband today, Asked him if he thinks our relationship is a normal happy one and his answer was "yes, there is nothing with our relationship, all couples disagree on things and pass under stress, but now I am working and all will be good". I told him I talked to an attorney, he said I misunderstood him when he was talking and yelling, he was just telling me that he could have done all those things to others, but he wouldn't because he is a nice guy" he said he'll never use nor hurt anyone and that I am too Americanized that is why I misunderstood his intentions" and so on. he was very calm with fixed eyes, no emotions in them at all, then he hugged me and kissed me telling me he married me because he loved him. Did that happen to you?

If this were me, I would have asked him what he thinks a normal happy relationship is. His views may surprise you.

I only hope you will consider all of the issues you are facing. Be careful and stay safe. Wishing you all the best.