The big day is Saturday, but I am nervous. It's been tough.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

OK, I have been absent quite a bit since Anh arrived and most of that is because we are busy. Some of it has been because we are having some trouble. For about 10 days everything was sensational. We were so happy it was insane. But that all changed when we went to New York City. She was not happy about the tourisity places we went that Saturday, disliked Time Square (she asked to go and see it), hated the crowds in Chinatown (she asked to go there) and thought the subways were "dirty and terrible."

So that night we gout out to dinner with my best friend and his fiancee and have a nice time. After it is very late. She wants to walk around but I am not at all familiar with the area so I ask my friend to drop us off near his place and that way I can walk Anh and I around an area I know and will not get lost in. Bad idea, apparently, because this made Anh angry. She simply could not understand why we could not explore a non-touristy section of NYC, at night. I tried to explain this thing called crime and that not knowing anything about where we were, it was not safe. Long story short, she was "disappointed" in me as a person, disbelieved everything I told her about crime in NYC and to make me feel bad, told me she regretted coming to the USA. Needless to say, I was stunned and terribly hurt by this, especially when she started to act like I was not a full man. It was like she was a different person. Please understand that she said some really rude, nasty things to me and they were all undeserved. At no time was I nasty to her, nor did I ever raise my voice at all.

On top of this, after a much better day on Sunday in areas of NYC she liked, Anh told me she wanted to live in Manhattan because there is much more to do. She was talking about Tribecca area and you cannot find a more expensive place to live. She flat out could not understand that you need to make at least six figures to live there. "How can your an apartment so small cost $3,500 a month when one much bigger is just $200 in Saigon? Why can we not find something not as nice for only $1,000?" It was impossible to explain to her because she would not believe what was said.

Very quickly I have learned that Anh is a stubborn woman. VERY stubborn. To a fault. She admits this. She admits that she will say things to someone just to hurt them and in my case that is, "I want to go home." Hours later she will make a half apology and say she doesn't want to go home. But it is clear that Anh is nowhere near as mature as I thought she was. She's 26, but not when it comes to relationships.

We have had a lot of problems since. Every other day has gone badly with three more occassions of Anh using the "go home" statement. To her own admission, she wants her way, even if she is wrong and while she wants to change, she says it is hard. Making this all worse is her hating where we live because it is nothing like she expected, despite my repeatedly trying to make her understand before she said yes to coming. In her mind she thought I was exagerating about it being a small town and imagined it to be more like a small city in Europe. She says she may not have the patients to wait until September of 2007 when she can likely study at a big university, which would allow us to move to a city.

She worries about her studies because it looks like she cannot go to school until she has her green card (I am still trying to figure that one out). She worries about her family and how they will survive without her income. She worries about her brother and how can he get another $600 he needs for a bribe to get a good job he really needs (the bribe thing really disgusts me about Veitnam). But she worries so much she becomes angry.

On our good days it is a wonderous thing. Yesterday was just such a lovely day. But the wedding is Saturday and I fear that this stubborn streak in her could kill us sooner and not later. I spent far more time with Anh in France and Germany and Vietnam than most here do before they propose and like all of you, we talked on the phone or webcam for countless hours a week. Never did I see this side of her. I'm so depressed that I am sick to my stomach with worry. Not to mention the wedding is disappinting her because in Vietnam weddings have hundreds of people, but we will have just a fraction of that.

Basically, I am asking for advise, opinions, experience. Especially from those of you who have been with or are with Vietnamese women. Please understand that I do love this woman and believe she loves me, but I am uncertain if she has the ability to make this work. Believe me, I am bending over backwards to make that happen.

I wrote this quickly and did not check for spelling booboos, so please forgive me if it is a mess.

Edited August 16, 2006 by Matt_Stevens

[patricks 0]

Matt, Matt, Matt............

I hear your pain, I lived in VN for 5 years.

I dated my wife 4 years before we finally got married.

I'm very very LUCKY but we still have communication problems.

My opinion, the Fiancee Visa with a SE Asian women can be very challenging.

Take a deep breath, don't over react to her statements, and think "one day at a time"........

[CancelAccount 0]

First, I will be direct with you. I have had another Vietnamese girlfriend before Thanh. My experience goes back several years being around VN people. Here is what I get from your situation. Please...remember, I am being very direct about this with my countless trials with these past two woman.

1) Most VN woman before age 29 are pretty much too young still.

2) If you don't put your foot down, she will run all over you.

3) If you don't take charge, she will take charge for you.

It sounds harsh, but believe me, if you do the last two things, somehow she will magically come down to earth.

Lastly, if she keeps talking about going back home....this is all about testing you, testing your love, testing your manhood...because she is immature (see number 1). You have to put your foot down, don't ask her what she wants to do, tell her and end it like that. Eventually she will come around, but this is the only way my 10+ VN guy friends told me about these younger immature woman.

There is a stereo type in VN about "American" men being too "Soft" and easy to be ran over.

Once they feel you are not strong, very very very hard to get out of that hole.

Peace be with you brother.

[patricks 0]

CB's #1 assessment is SPOT on!

An emotional teenager with minimal rational & logical capabilities living inside a beautiful ADULT body.

Many a foreign men living and working in VN discuss this concept frequently.

Not all VNs women have this characteristic, BUT a lot of them have these "non-western" characteristics.

[JenT 0]

This should be a lifelong commitment... if you have any doubts about it now, consider whether the timing is right for you to be making such a commitment.

Jen

[dalegg 143]

Hmm, so much of this sounds so familiar.

The first week of my relationship with Nicole was one of the most interesting of my life. We got into unbelievable arguements over nothing. Nicole's problem in the beginning as far as I could tell was that nobody had ever said a negative thing to her in her life other than her mother and she really took me saying I didn't like something she did ---BAD. She had tantrums the likes of which I had never witnessed before- and like you are seeing- this was a side of her I had never seen before. In fact the only time I can say I ever witnessed behavior like that was when I saw my 6 year old cousin freak out.

What I can tell you is that over time it got better. We had a rough first year. Gradually she began to chill out and realize more where I was coming from until finally now she's got me, and I've got her. Takes time and a lot of unexpected lessons, but in another year and a half, you should be fine.

[Anh map 2,098]

OK, this is freaky. Today one of my dearest friends (a Vietnamese woman) called me to go over the challenges of the differing cultures, etc. She was wanting me to be sure about what things could be like in the future. She raised some of the same issues that you are talking about Matt.

Another note: my ex-wife was originally from eastern Europe. She had only been in the US briefly when we met. She went through the same "sticker shock" and disbelief about crime. We were in Atlanta and she wanted to walk around Centennial Park at 1am. She didn't get the fact that it wasn't the same as when she same it on the Olympics.

You've got to help her acclimate to the US and the difference between Manhattan and where you are at in CT(?). Thankfully she's traveled some outside of VN. So she knows something other than her homeland.

Her world is upside down now. All the pre-wedding jitters. Take in all the advice from the VJ'ers and apply that to your specific relationship. Work hard and your marriage will be great.

[woodgc 0]

well you do have almost a full 90 days left so I would say cancel the wedding and the next time she says I want to go home call her on it and take her to the airport.

I was married for a long time to a women from a very very different culture that when women did not listen instantly to the husband they got the ####### kicked out of them. I could never bring my self to do this so over time my X lost all respect for me and ended up throwing me out. I still do not think she understands why we got devoriced.

Vietnam is a different culture but almost american compaired to what I lived in for 10 years. You must control the situation or it will control you to the detriment of both of you.

If she has traveled in europe and can not get that new york prices are different then sigon she is deffenitly 26 working on 12 and all the bueauty in the world can not overcome that type of a problem. Face it once you have your honeymoon roll with her the reality of a 12 year old in a very beautiful women's body will really hit home hard.

If the shock of canceling the wedding and taking her to the airport to get a ticket for her does not bring her into humble reality put her on a plane back.

If canceling the wedding does bring on some reality I would recommand getting the John Gottman DVD The art and science of love(a workshop for couples)

I took it with me last time to Vn and my Fiencee' and I watched it a few hours every day it was a real eye opener and really gives some very very good tools for making ones marrage scessuful. One eye opener was that he feels 69% of all marital problems are unsolveable!!!!! Anyway it is a nice way to spend time toghere and help understand each other better and gives some really good ideas on how to always grow your Love so I highly recommand it even if no problems exist. Also if she was to refuse to participate in that kind of a thing that would really show you how hard it really will be.

Best of luck an remeber alittle embarrisment over a canceled wedding is nothing if it

#1 brings you closer toghere and saves the relationship or

#2 save you from a life of hell

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

well you do have almost a full 90 days left so I would say cancel the wedding and the next time she says I want to go home call her on it and take her to the airport.

I was married for a long time to a women from a very very different culture that when women did not listen instantly to the husband they got the ####### kicked out of them. I could never bring my self to do this so over time my X lost all respect for me and ended up throwing me out. I still do not think she understands why we got devoriced.

Vietnam is a different culture but almost american compaired to what I lived in for 10 years. You must control the situation or it will control you to the detriment of both of you.

If she has traveled in europe and can not get that new york prices are different then sigon she is deffenitly 26 working on 12 and all the bueauty in the world can not overcome that type of a problem. Face it once you have your honeymoon roll with her the reality of a 12 year old in a very beautiful women's body will really hit home hard.

If the shock of canceling the wedding and taking her to the airport to get a ticket for her does not bring her into humble reality put her on a plane back.

If canceling the wedding does bring on some reality I would recommand getting the John Gottman DVD The art and science of love(a workshop for couples)

I took it with me last time to Vn and my Fiencee' and I watched it a few hours every day it was a real eye opener and really gives some very very good tools for making ones marrage scessuful. One eye opener was that he feels 69% of all marital problems are unsolveable!!!!! Anyway it is a nice way to spend time toghere and help understand each other better and gives some really good ideas on how to always grow your Love so I highly recommand it even if no problems exist. Also if she was to refuse to participate in that kind of a thing that would really show you how hard it really will be.

Best of luck an remeber alittle embarrisment over a canceled wedding is nothing if it

#1 brings you closer toghere and saves the relationship or

#2 save you from a life of hell

Very good advice.

[JenT 0]

well you do have almost a full 90 days left so I would say cancel the wedding and the next time she says I want to go home call her on it and take her to the airport.

I was married for a long time to a women from a very very different culture that when women did not listen instantly to the husband they got the ####### kicked out of them. I could never bring my self to do this so over time my X lost all respect for me and ended up throwing me out. I still do not think she understands why we got devoriced.

Vietnam is a different culture but almost american compaired to what I lived in for 10 years. You must control the situation or it will control you to the detriment of both of you.

If she has traveled in europe and can not get that new york prices are different then sigon she is deffenitly 26 working on 12 and all the bueauty in the world can not overcome that type of a problem. Face it once you have your honeymoon roll with her the reality of a 12 year old in a very beautiful women's body will really hit home hard.

If the shock of canceling the wedding and taking her to the airport to get a ticket for her does not bring her into humble reality put her on a plane back.

If canceling the wedding does bring on some reality I would recommand getting the John Gottman DVD The art and science of love(a workshop for couples)

I took it with me last time to Vn and my Fiencee' and I watched it a few hours every day it was a real eye opener and really gives some very very good tools for making ones marrage scessuful. One eye opener was that he feels 69% of all marital problems are unsolveable!!!!! Anyway it is a nice way to spend time toghere and help understand each other better and gives some really good ideas on how to always grow your Love so I highly recommand it even if no problems exist. Also if she was to refuse to participate in that kind of a thing that would really show you how hard it really will be.

Best of luck an remeber alittle embarrisment over a canceled wedding is nothing if it

#1 brings you closer toghere and saves the relationship or

#2 save you from a life of hell

Very good advice.

Yep... woodgc said what I was trying to say, only much more elaborately.

Jen

[STL_HCMC 0]

Hi Matt,

Everything happens for a reason. I wish you both strength and patience.

STL_HCMC

[iceyspots 0]

Hope things work out for the best. Her issues may be arising from the shock of leaving her family behind, and learning a whole new culture.

[patricks 0]

Yes, "Everything happens for a reason" is one way of dealing with it?

OR

Similar to dalegg, I used to say myself "Why am I aruging about this?", It's meaningless?

My suggestion: Do NOT over-react to her irrational statements. Just say...."Ok Anh", "sure honey" and move on to the next thing. Don't take everything she says so literal. If she's stubborn, then let her cry or do whatever? Don't over-react to her defiance, hug her and say "I understand" (she'll probably push you away)

I think, trying to overly control her won't help

" " " " answer her every wimp won't help.

" " " " logically expaining your yourself/actions in a "western" manner won't help. (at this time)

One day at a time.......................

[patricks 0]

Now is when Matt needs a "rally" because this is the reality

[dalegg 143]

OR

Similar to dalegg, I used to say myself "Why am I aruging about this?", It's meaningless?

I think I've said that a few dozen times before