Has your spouse’s family become a liability?

[Amby 490]

It's 2:30pm and she still hasn't gotten out of bed. She works at 4pm. I already washed her work clothes (I wash and dry them every morning and leave the house to pick her lunch up). Her work clothes are on the dresser and a hot lunch is on the kitchen table. I will wait for her to eat lunch and get ready and I'll drive her to work at 4pm. Then I'll be waiting on call to pick her up when she gets off around 10pm. All so she can give 95% of her money to her mom.

I will probably just disappear one of these months. I'm a pretty easy-going guy so right now I can tolerate my life. But I'm working on a separation plan. She won't go voluntarily, let's just put it like that.

Wow I'm sorry! You make it sound like you're her servant! That's not cool at all!

I would wake up at 5am if it meant someone was going to make me a meal! No one ever cooks for me

[nab 74]

Wow I'm sorry! You make it sound like you're her servant! That's not cool at all!

I would wake up at 5am if it meant someone was going to make me a meal! No one ever cooks for me

maybe he makes her "real american meals" (reference to the food the woman makes for her overly demanding abusive husband in Prince of Tides)

[milimelo 4,514]

After being treated like ####### when we moved to the US (hubby is USC) by his family, I made sure to distance ourselves from them. Not going to any celebrations, get togethers or parties and do not accept any of them in my apartment. Won't go into further detail, but his sister still owes him money for renting house - above $2000.

On the other hand, my family adores my husband and he loves them - keeps talking about moving back there sometime soon. We don't send any regular monthly contributions to the household of my parents - if they need a big ticket item, I'll pay for it (i.e. wanted the new "safety" door for the house - kind of like vault closure so no break ins possible, so I paid half and my sister paid half).

[Ban Hammer 13,443]

My wife gives her mom about $400-$450 every 2 weeks. She works 30-35 hours a week and gets paid about $550 every 2 weeks.

We have separate bank accounts and I checked her account this morning, and, well, here is a screenshot of it:

Now I have to go run to her bank to make a $50 or more deposit so that she can get out of the red. FML

i feel for you, i really do. it sucks when only one is working on paying the bills and being fiscally responsible. been there, done that, watched that one crash and burn.

i guess now would be a bad time to mention nessa has over 6k in her checking account.

Edited September 5, 2010 by charles!

[BethandBilly 86]

We've had ####### from all his family apart from his Grandmother, they're taken taken taken, both emotionally and financially, they have walked past our little guy and ignored him, they've walked past me and ignored me and then tried to blame it on me, so yep I keep away from them now, our son will probably never really know my DH's family.

As for money my DH makes me feel bad even about buying food for my son and I and driving the car to the park, so yeah trouble in paradise. I do not work, but not through lack of trying, my DH seems to ####### on everything I want to do with regards work, friends or education. Despite that I love him with my life, he is father of our little guy and on the whole he does actually tend to be a great guy, just his past experiences have shaped how he is now.

Edited September 6, 2010 by BethandBilly

[cartaverde 12]

No, the spouse's family hasn't become a PITA. Mine has, but it has been that as long as I can remember.

[raymaga 25]

No, my husband's family have not been a problem at all.

I'm the foreign spouse.

We've been married for 6 years.

If anything, my daughter has been a source of "concern".... she's been a student for the last 4 years, so I have been helping her financially, and she lived with us the first 2 years she was here in the U.S.

[Nik+Heather 121]

my husband's family has not really been liability.. we help them out on occasion..

as for my family, they have helped us out a lot over the years..

my husband is the USC

We are in this camp as well. My parents have been very generous in several ways. My (USC) parents offered me the totally sweet deal of an interest free loan on college costs above the money they had set aside for that to begin with, so they do get a direct deposit portion every 2 weeks, but that's the loan repayment, not support. There's no financial flows between us and Nik's parents.

Emotionally, we are naturally closer to my parents just due to the happenstance of geography. We frequently spend a weekend at their house, and any emotional issues are on my side when MY mother takes NIK's side on EVERYTHING! (mostly it doesn't matter because it is superficial stuff). Nik's parents are friendly and welcoming when we visit, and there's no MIL meddling that goes on or anything like that.

We are both the oldest, so as both sets of parents age, I assume that we may take on more responsibility if their health deteriorates. I guess that would make them potential future "liabilities" but we would take that on with love in our hearts.

Edited September 16, 2010 by Nik+Heather

[bora bora 1]

Neither one of our families are, or have ever been, a liability.

I'm the USC

We've been together 6 years

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

Marriage is a based on two people living together. That usually means they agree on many things, but may have different opinions about some. That's cool. For example, there are certain things I simply don't discuss with my wife, i.e., certain political issues, because I know it would result in her being upset and then me being upset. So we focus on things we can enjoy together without upsetting one another.

That said, spending money for things outside the marriage, such as supporting another person, is something both partners need to agree to. If that's not the case, it could be a real deal breaker. That's not how a marriage works. It would upset me, and I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where I'm upset all the time because of something my wife did, and continues to do. It's like you go to a strip club 3 nights a week, not doing anything "bad," just having a good time watching and drinking beer, and it would really bother your wife. If you continue to do that, I wouldn't blame her for pulling the plug on the marriage.

[nab 74]

i think it is possible to love someone so much you cannot live without them and still divorce because of the in-laws... so what's solution in that case. living hell inside marriage and living hell without your soulmate.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Yes, emotionally

Foreign spouse

3 years

His family are a**holes. That's the only word to explain them. Tony warned me, but I don't think I ever really thought it could be as bad as he says. I thought it was typical "oldest son, my mum is a Harpy" type stuff not ANYTHING like it's been. Tony is 100% with me on my opinion but he's lived with them his whole life so it doesn't hurt him anymore, it definitely hurts me because I'm not used to avoiding family, or dealing with hateful people all the time... they're so full of anger, and spitefulness, and need for one-upmanship... it's stressful and I would normally cut such people from my life... /sigh

If you care here's a bigger description... but feel free to skip if you like too ----

We lived in Houston when I first moved here, and his family in Iowa (on in Cali for Uni). We moved back to Iowa once he finished school and our lease was up and his parents were (apparently) excited for us to stay with them while we were looking for places to live/buy.

That lasted a month before she started harping on about us nothing looking hard enough (we were but she was at work while we looked and we didn't give her daily reports). She likes to tell lies (including telling tonys sister that he was giving away "her" snake, we most definitely weren't because it's now Tony's snake because without him it would have died if we didn't rescue him) and also at one stage threatened to have the sheriff remove us if we didn't do the dishes & mow the lawn before midday... that's just the tip of the iceberg :S

His mothers mother (GMIL) APPEARED okay to start off with (we were in the middle of buying a house by this stage, just waiting on closing dates/paperwork). She started treating me like a slave. Tony offered to vacuum one day but she said "your WIFE needs to learn how to be a wife and sweep the floor" (this was during the time I spent a lot of time online with my family as my father appeared to have had a stroke). She also said "your wife is lazy. She did her dishes but not mine"... the dishes were done by tony on my BIRTHDAY before we left for dinner so she wasn't inconvenienced (I wasn't wished happy bday either). She is on oxygen and yet smokes. She rarely flushed the toilet or bathed her dog. she always called people to do stuff for her because "she's old and they need to". I did a lot for her but it was never enough. Kicking my dog (to get her out of the living room, not for being bad.. not that that's okay either) was the last straw on my EVER doing anything for her (esp as my dog was at that time still recovering from a dog attack and was less than 12 weeks old). She then "faked" her landlord telling us we had to move out or she would have to. We know it was faked because we ran into the landlords wife at the country store (small town) and she mentioned GMIL needing to pick up her dogs ###### (she never does but the dog DOES go outside) when apparently earlier that same day she'd told GMIL we had to move out.

His sister (oldest of 2 younger ones, 24 in December) is on our phone plan but NEVER pays her bill. Tony refused to take her off because she would get her hair done before paying for her own phone and this way he knew she was safe and contactable. She is spoiled. Living entirely off student loans and not working whilst studying.

His younger sister (17 in December) is a spoiled brat. She was part of the reason his mother was so nasty to us. She was sick of Tony getting treated better by her dad (he wasn't really, his sister is just SO stupid) and started complaining ALL the time to her mum to kick us out. She blamed me for clogging the shower drain with hair (not possible as I don't let my hair go down the drain) and also blamed us when one of the dogs started shitting inside (we'd been there a month by that time.. also not possible). The dog stopped a couple of days after it started, I think he was sick or something.

His other family members (Aunts, Uncles etc) are rude. They're not particularly mean but like someone else sad, they'd ignore me in the street if at all possible. They're also ALL gossips. Tony's mother works for the government and when her sister drove past their brother pulled over by police she logged into her official site to find out what he'd done, what his fine was etc and then told the rest of the family. INCREDIBLY inappropriate.

My family hasn't been an issue. They're the typical family. Close but annoying sometimes. Judgemental but supportive... If we could switch our my family with his that'd be great. I'd prefer to live in Australia but right now the US is our plan and we'll talk about it again once I get to USC.

Anyway yeah... I have no issue discussing how bad they are. If they read this it's fine because it's all true... and it's not like they can get much ruder :S His mother STILL hasn't apologised for everything she did so Tony hasn't spoken to her since May 31st (she kicked us out over the long weekend), but I have because an Aussie friend visited and MIL was home when I took my friend to meet FIL (who's okay). GMIL HAS apologised but waited until after we moved out to do so when everything she did was completely unprovoked and she could have apologised before we moved out... so it felt (at the time) "too little too late". Once I get back to the US I'll accept her apology if I run into her, but I definitely won't be helping her out anymore.

It's been an incredibly stressful period since April 2010 (when we moved to IA). I've been in Aus for 2 months now though and dealt with the family stuff (dad's health issues etc and what we're doing as a family to help it) so I think when I get back it'll be easier. GC arrived in July, before the house settled and we didn't want me working while dealing with house stuff (running around and presenting docs required when required) so now when I get back I can get a job. I have a truck now, and we have our own place so hopefully that will make a difference to how I feel about it all.. it's easy to get more upset when you're sitting around stewing about it...

---- rant ended

Edited October 31, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Fandango 1,439]

Good Lord, Vanessa - they sound horrible.

Please tell me you didn't buy a house near them! If so...WHY? lol

My ex in laws were horrible horrible people. Actually, it was the MIL and SIL. FIL was fine, one GMIL was awesome, the other was a mean nasty lady. The good GMIL died. They treated me like sh!t for no reason other than jealousy, which is weird because one would think family would be happy for one another. It sounds very up-my-own-azz to say 'jealousy', but trust me, I have more stories than time to retell them which proved it over and over again.

A tame story for her, but a quickie - bout a month after I was married, I had them over for coffee and cake. I was only 21, and my parents had furnished our entire place for us - and I like old world furniture - solid wood, Queen Anne couches, etc. I had china! and crystal! I was so stoked! So here's this young couple with a gorgeous home....So, I serve my MIL on Czechoslovakian Mother of Pearl China....she was so visibly bothered by my beautiful house, it was weird. She turns to my hub at the time and hands him her teacup and was all 'X, this coffee isn't hot enough, can you put it in the micro..' *turns and looks* 'oh, you don't have a microwave. What a pity' *smug look*.

Oh, they had loads of money but never gave us a thing.

Problem was: we were both really young, and he had acceptance issues with the family, so he never did anything about the treatment they gave me. At first, it was 'poor so-and-so' because I felt bad for him and the things he told me about in his life, always feeling second best to his sister, etc. One day though - and it was this clear - I woke up and decided I wanted a divorce. That was that. And I've never regretted it since.

My new in-laws now couldn't be better...and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. They are really wonderful people and I actually love them. I feel the 'family' bond from them, and it's so wonderful. The only problem is, they live too far away.

Now when have you ever heard THAT complaint about in-laws? LOL!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Good Lord, Vanessa - they sound horrible.

Please tell me you didn't buy a house near them! If so...WHY? lol

Lol yeah we did. House was nice, also cheap, and he grew up in the town and has an attachment to it. Can't say we'll stay in it for the rest of our lives (not sure it's big enough for the 2-3 kids we wanna have) but for now it's cheaper than renting.. which is all that matters right?

They are awful people but luckily so rude that they rarely "come to call". It's just weird to me that I'm ignoring "family"... very weird.

In regards to your story, if my husband in ANY way sided with his family I think we'd have divorced as well... Sometimes jealousy is awful, and sometimes I think that in some way it might be partially about that...

Oh funny story When I FIRST met his family I was visiting the US for the first time ever Tony drove from Texas to Iowa non-stop (19 hours) in order for us to make it over the Thanksgiving long weekend. He wanted me to meet them before we got "too serious" and I agreed. Made for a VERY long w/end.. but anyway We arrived late due to weather, and they were playing sing-star (always fun when people are tone-deaf). I sat down and watched while Tony chatted with his family (hadn't seen them in almost a year) and one of his cousins (blonde girl, most popular at school type) gives me this look and loudly announces that I will be competing next.. against the current leader. I could tell from the smirks (though I never let on) that this was intended to "suss me out" and embarrass me... mostly embarrass I'm sure. HOWEVER, they probably should have asked me a qn or two. I've been playing in bands for around 12 years by this stage (yeah I went to band camp for several years.. I admit it ), and I also sing and like to compete at it to (singing comps and karaoke). The look on their faces when I started to sing (a song i knew rather well too) was priceless. Tony told me later that his family stopped in the kitchen to listen and told him I sang well, he nonchalantly advised them of my musical background.

Jealous? Probably a little, usually that's why people hate others for no apparent reason... that or they see something in the person that they hate about themselves.

[Nik+Heather 121]

Vanessa, that all just sounds really awful. Glad you guys got your own place, so hopefully you'll be able to maintain that sanctuary. I hate it so much when people doubt my "wifely" abilities to "take care of" my husband and home. Usually it's my own mom! Argh!

We are both the oldest, so as both sets of parents age, I assume that we may take on more responsibility if their health deteriorates. I guess that would make them potential future "liabilities" but we would take that on with love in our hearts.

I came back to read the latest updates on this thread and then realized that I had made this post the day before my dad went in for emergency surgery and started his 6 week (and still ongoing) stint in the ICU. Mother keeps encouraging me (us, really - Nik has dinner where I have dinner and sleeps where I sleep ) to stay home, take care of my house & husband. I'm like....But I'm really needed HERE. Where bills need to get paid (dad did all that stuff) and where people need to sit in ICU rooms to speak with drs and advocate etc. I try to be understanding because I know where she's coming from - she desperately doesn't want to be a burden. I don't know how to make her believe that I couldn't possibly conceive of being or doing anything else than doing what I can to help them (both!).