Dealing with the waiting game

[Channah&Aaron 51]

Heeeeey!!

Omg, I know exactly how you feel & at first I thought I was like the only one who's having this ####*d up problem .. I am new here, & I found out there are so many others who are dealing with the waiting and feeling upset missing their significant other ...

I met my fiance in 2008, and since then I am flying back and forth (I want to see him every 2 months )

But flying back & forth gets pretty old and is very annoying ...

For now, I just got back in the Netherlands a week ago, and I am missing him like crazyyyy.. I spent the last 9 weeks in the US with him, and I had the time of my life.. and leaving him -again- sucked..

Like you, I am also dealing and thinking how to get through the day. I can't stop thinking about him, about this process (he is going to fill in these forms anytime soon, so we just started this process!).

It can't be soon enough for me, like everyone else here, to have a K1 visa, get married, living and spending time with the person we love, without worrying about leaving again.

The best thing for us to do is to keep yourself busy, it's easier said than done, but I think that's the best thing to do, so you can keep your mind off things like thinking about him and this and that ....

& ofcourse, we are very priviliged with using internet/webcams/cellphones and all that.

I am also really glad I found out this website!! A lot of information & soulmates!!

Anywhoooo, I'm also like.. Ok, the waiting s*cks, but what's 7 months compared to spending a LIFE TIME with your future husband?

xxxxxx Channah

Edited September 4, 2010 by Dutchess25

[slangofoil 50]

Ok, I've never participated in one of these kinds of threads because I never felt bad enough. But holy hell I had a complete breakdown last night. I've been strong through these last 6 months of the waiting. Waiting for NOA2 - no biggie. I was prepared for that to take 5 months. Thankfully it came quicker so that was just a bonus.

But for most people the embassy stage is quicker (with the exception of Montreal I know and I'm sure other places as well). But the process on his side of the ocean in Ireland has been tortuous. The embassy taking longer than normal to process our package after getting it from NVC. Incompetent useless pricks at the police stations taking forever about his police cert. The medical doctor treating John like ####### and never answering phone calls/emails/in-person visits. Then the embassy rescheduling his interview date twice. So frustrating.

But still, even with those things I was plugging along and doing well. But everything else just came crashing in on me last night. All of a sudden the fact that I've been doing almost EVERYTHING for this process on my own just overwhelmed me. Finding an apartment and buying everything we need for it; moving in alone; planning the move to a different state; deciding what day we're going to get married; booking a B&B for a little mini honeymoon; finding a dress for our little courthouse wedding; buying my wedding ring. And the kicker that set me over last night was that I had to get my wedding ring resized because I have freakishly small fingers, and now the ring just isn't the same. I'm losing it over this ring and I don't know if I can get over it. There's not a lot the vendor can do and I just don't know what to do. It's like EVERY SINGLE PART of this whole engagement and marriage has been a compromise or concession. I couldn't handle ONE MORE THING, especially my WEDDING RING being another damn thing that I have to "settle" on.

I was sitting next to my mother, tapping away on the computer, when all of a sudden I broke into tears and literally sobbed for ages about all of it. My eyes are still swollen today from all of the crying. And I still don't really feel better.

I am not a dramatic person at all. But I've reached my limit.

[santale 1]

Ok, I've never participated in one of these kinds of threads because I never felt bad enough. But holy hell I had a complete breakdown last night. I've been strong through these last 6 months of the waiting. Waiting for NOA2 - no biggie. I was prepared for that to take 5 months. Thankfully it came quicker so that was just a bonus.

But for most people the embassy stage is quicker (with the exception of Montreal I know and I'm sure other places as well). But the process on his side of the ocean in Ireland has been tortuous. The embassy taking longer than normal to process our package after getting it from NVC. Incompetent useless pricks at the police stations taking forever about his police cert. The medical doctor treating John like ####### and never answering phone calls/emails/in-person visits. Then the embassy rescheduling his interview date twice. So frustrating.

But still, even with those things I was plugging along and doing well. But everything else just came crashing in on me last night. All of a sudden the fact that I've been doing almost EVERYTHING for this process on my own just overwhelmed me. Finding an apartment and buying everything we need for it; moving in alone; planning the move to a different state; deciding what day we're going to get married; booking a B&B for a little mini honeymoon; finding a dress for our little courthouse wedding; buying my wedding ring. And the kicker that set me over last night was that I had to get my wedding ring resized because I have freakishly small fingers, and now the ring just isn't the same. I'm losing it over this ring and I don't know if I can get over it. There's not a lot the vendor can do and I just don't know what to do. It's like EVERY SINGLE PART of this whole engagement and marriage has been a compromise or concession. I couldn't handle ONE MORE THING, especially my WEDDING RING being another damn thing that I have to "settle" on.

I was sitting next to my mother, tapping away on the computer, when all of a sudden I broke into tears and literally sobbed for ages about all of it. My eyes are still swollen today from all of the crying. And I still don't really feel better.

I am not a dramatic person at all. But I've reached my limit.

Dear slangofoil,

I found myself in your words when you said that this whole engagement and marriage thing has been a compromise.I think all of us dream about that big day to be in a certain way,we want to pick that special wedding date,do all those arrangements together with the one we love,we want to pick that special place,we want our family and all of our friends to be there but somehow we need to settle for less.All this may not be important for all of us but for me it certainly is! I wont be able to have my best friends on my future wedding,I wont probably get married at a day that was important for my fiancee and I and even though i have only been in this process for a month (but not being able to be with the loved one for 5 months) i found myself into a breakdown two weeks ago and there was literraly nothing that would calm me down for a while.I envy to those who get to do things the way they want and at a time they want.dont get me wrong,all this sacrifice is so worth it cause my fiance is the best thing that has ever happened to me but the little things come to my mind often.

I am sorry you feel you didnt handle anything because i think is not true.From what i read you did amazing and i will cross fingers on your interview date.everytime i am sad and need to cry,i just do so and as desperate i may sound or look,it does help me to relieve it all and get thru this.I would better cry and break down few times knowing i am human being and not a robot.Neither are you! i actually thing it would be a little scary if you went thru this whole thing without showing single emotion.

Dealing with goverment,arrogant and stupid people is not helpful and i have experience this too and it does bring me down but i keep my head up and cant wait for the moment when i am sipping a coctails by the ocean with my husband to be on our honeymoon and laugh at it all!

You have been great! keep it up as you are ALMOST THERE!!!! set yourself on the positive mode as you are going to be going to the airport soon

Wish you all the best and good luck!

Hope all this didnt sound like a nonsense

[Gingerpants 8]

Ok, I've never participated in one of these kinds of threads because I never felt bad enough. But holy hell I had a complete breakdown last night. I've been strong through these last 6 months of the waiting. Waiting for NOA2 - no biggie. I was prepared for that to take 5 months. Thankfully it came quicker so that was just a bonus.

But for most people the embassy stage is quicker (with the exception of Montreal I know and I'm sure other places as well). But the process on his side of the ocean in Ireland has been tortuous. The embassy taking longer than normal to process our package after getting it from NVC. Incompetent useless pricks at the police stations taking forever about his police cert. The medical doctor treating John like ####### and never answering phone calls/emails/in-person visits. Then the embassy rescheduling his interview date twice. So frustrating.

Eeek that does sound awful! Which Garda station was he going through? Where they just taking their sweet time or did they just have him jumping through hoops to get his certs? Which doctor was this? My fiance went through the one in Blackrock a few years ago without any troubles and he'll be going there again for this visa so I'm hoping this isn't the one that caused you troubles.

But still, even with those things I was plugging along and doing well. But everything else just came crashing in on me last night. All of a sudden the fact that I've been doing almost EVERYTHING for this process on my own just overwhelmed me. Finding an apartment and buying everything we need for it; moving in alone; planning the move to a different state; deciding what day we're going to get married; booking a B&B for a little mini honeymoon; finding a dress for our little courthouse wedding; buying my wedding ring. And the kicker that set me over last night was that I had to get my wedding ring resized because I have freakishly small fingers, and now the ring just isn't the same. I'm losing it over this ring and I don't know if I can get over it. There's not a lot the vendor can do and I just don't know what to do. It's like EVERY SINGLE PART of this whole engagement and marriage has been a compromise or concession. I couldn't handle ONE MORE THING, especially my WEDDING RING being another damn thing that I have to "settle" on.

I was sitting next to my mother, tapping away on the computer, when all of a sudden I broke into tears and literally sobbed for ages about all of it. My eyes are still swollen today from all of the crying. And I still don't really feel better.

I am not a dramatic person at all. But I've reached my limit.

Yes it's always that littlest things that finally cause you to break down. Sometimes though a well deserved break down can be a good thing in stressful times like these, it can help you to get it all out of your system. Hopefully it'll all be sorted soon and you'll both be happily enjoying your new life together.

Best Wishes to you and I hope you feel better!

[gap1 21]

All of a sudden the fact that I've been doing almost EVERYTHING for this process on my own

I completely know what this is like. That said, it doesn't have to be a compromise! You can still plan a really great party after your courthouse wedding, that's what we're doing. We have a date far enough in the future where (we hope) the visa situation will be resolved, and haven't planned anything we can't move around. We're telling all overseas friends and family to wait until we know more specifics before booking any flights to see us get married and instead of a big wedding we're just planning a dinner and drinks with our closest friends and family then we're taking a week long honeymoon together. It can still be fantastic even if you can't have a traditional ceremony.

Hang in there, it's the hardest thing ever I know, but as you know the end result will be amazing.

[Amyyduck 20]

It's like EVERY SINGLE PART of this whole engagement and marriage has been a compromise or concession.

Slangofoil,

As much as I know it doesn't actually help, I just want you to know that there are a bunch of us out there going through the same or similar things and you're definitely not alone! This is probably the most stressful thing any of us have ever done but at the same time its going to be the most rewarding as well. And while I know that everything in this engagement seems like it has been a compromise or a concession so far, just know that with your fiance, it's not. You obviously love each other very much or you wouldn't be going through this together. You're obviously not one to settle for less, none of us are, otherwise we wouldn't be stuck going through this process. We don't settle, we fight for what we want and in the end, when we're finally able to be with the ones that we love, we'll all look back on this and think of how worth it it all was.

If you ever need anyone to talk to about it, if your mom isn't around or what have you, I know there are plenty of us here on VJ that would be more than willing. Misery love company, right?

I'm not 100% sure that any of that made any sense. I'm feeling especially sentimental right now because I'm sitting in my lonely apartment drinking a bottle of wine (my way of dealing) and watching Titanic by myself on a Saturday night.

Be well.

Edited September 5, 2010 by Amyyduck

[CareBear 18]

I think you girls are great You know what its nice to read others posts and know that my emotions are not just me being over the top and silly. If one more person says not much longer now I really will punch their lights out lol.

I moved house today - my lease expired in May and so I've lived with one best friend from then til now and now I've moved in with another until I go. My life when packed up this morning fit on the size of my borrowed bed. My most personal belongings are in a box waiting to be shipped. Everything else I have nearby is just to keep me going until I leave. I'm so tired of feeling "homeless". I just want to go home to Ted and start my life with him. Sigh oh well the giggle for the day is my new home has chickens and my dog is going nuts because he wants to play with them.

Fingers crossed for my passport return in the next couple of weeks so I can escape the insanity

Keep your chins up ladies - and if anyone needs an ear or shoulder I'm here *hugs*

[slangofoil 50]

Dear slangofoil,

I found myself in your words when you said that this whole engagement and marriage thing has been a compromise.I think all of us dream about that big day to be in a certain way,we want to pick that special wedding date,do all those arrangements together with the one we love,we want to pick that special place,we want our family and all of our friends to be there but somehow we need to settle for less.All this may not be important for all of us but for me it certainly is! I wont be able to have my best friends on my future wedding,I wont probably get married at a day that was important for my fiancee and I and even though i have only been in this process for a month (but not being able to be with the loved one for 5 months) i found myself into a breakdown two weeks ago and there was literraly nothing that would calm me down for a while.I envy to those who get to do things the way they want and at a time they want.dont get me wrong,all this sacrifice is so worth it cause my fiance is the best thing that has ever happened to me but the little things come to my mind often.

I am sorry you feel you didnt handle anything because i think is not true.From what i read you did amazing and i will cross fingers on your interview date.everytime i am sad and need to cry,i just do so and as desperate i may sound or look,it does help me to relieve it all and get thru this.I would better cry and break down few times knowing i am human being and not a robot.Neither are you! i actually thing it would be a little scary if you went thru this whole thing without showing single emotion.

Dealing with goverment,arrogant and stupid people is not helpful and i have experience this too and it does bring me down but i keep my head up and cant wait for the moment when i am sipping a coctails by the ocean with my husband to be on our honeymoon and laugh at it all!

You have been great! keep it up as you are ALMOST THERE!!!! set yourself on the positive mode as you are going to be going to the airport soon

Wish you all the best and good luck!

Hope all this didnt sound like a nonsense

Thanks for understanding! I know it's good to let it out when I need to. It was just a such a major explosion of emotion, that I didn't even know was coming! Lol. I'm trying to just calm down and stop stressing, but you know...only so much you can change who you are. And I'm a high-stress worrier at heart.

Eeek that does sound awful! Which Garda station was he going through? Where they just taking their sweet time or did they just have him jumping through hoops to get his certs? Which doctor was this? My fiance went through the one in Blackrock a few years ago without any troubles and he'll be going there again for this visa so I'm hoping this isn't the one that caused you troubles.

Yes it's always that littlest things that finally cause you to break down. Sometimes though a well deserved break down can be a good thing in stressful times like these, it can help you to get it all out of your system. Hopefully it'll all be sorted soon and you'll both be happily enjoying your new life together.

Best Wishes to you and I hope you feel better!

He was getting the police cert in Cork, but the issue was that they had to send his application to the local station for every place he's lived, which meant four stations in the city plus his home village station in Clare. After 6 weeks there was still one that was holding things up. It took getting his TDs involved to get the thing wrapped up. Of course after one of them got in touch with the appropriate station the cert was mailed to John the next day. Fecking useless lazy jerks. Just typical.

The doctor was Dr. Donovan in Cork. Aside from being extremely difficult to get in touch with and very rude, he went on vacation after John's medical and the office was completely unreachable for three weeks.

Thanks for the support!

I completely know what this is like. That said, it doesn't have to be a compromise! You can still plan a really great party after your courthouse wedding, that's what we're doing. We have a date far enough in the future where (we hope) the visa situation will be resolved, and haven't planned anything we can't move around. We're telling all overseas friends and family to wait until we know more specifics before booking any flights to see us get married and instead of a big wedding we're just planning a dinner and drinks with our closest friends and family then we're taking a week long honeymoon together. It can still be fantastic even if you can't have a traditional ceremony.

Hang in there, it's the hardest thing ever I know, but as you know the end result will be amazing.

It's just not feasible to do the big wedding or even a party right now. There are a lot of people he'd want to come from Ireland that wouldn't be able to do so on short notice. Plus I want to save more money. And I am not particularly excited about the prospect of wedding planning to begin with, let alone doing it without him here. Just not at all appealing. I'm totally reconciled to having a courthouse ceremony with just us and having the big shindig next year. But I'm still the one making all the decisions of when it's going be and what little honeymoon we're going to have.

Anyway I hope your plans work out! Sounds like you've got it figured pretty well so best of luck!

Slangofoil,

As much as I know it doesn't actually help, I just want you to know that there are a bunch of us out there going through the same or similar things and you're definitely not alone! This is probably the most stressful thing any of us have ever done but at the same time its going to be the most rewarding as well. And while I know that everything in this engagement seems like it has been a compromise or a concession so far, just know that with your fiance, it's not. You obviously love each other very much or you wouldn't be going through this together. You're obviously not one to settle for less, none of us are, otherwise we wouldn't be stuck going through this process. We don't settle, we fight for what we want and in the end, when we're finally able to be with the ones that we love, we'll all look back on this and think of how worth it it all was.

If you ever need anyone to talk to about it, if your mom isn't around or what have you, I know there are plenty of us here on VJ that would be more than willing. Misery love company, right?

I'm not 100% sure that any of that made any sense. I'm feeling especially sentimental right now because I'm sitting in my lonely apartment drinking a bottle of wine (my way of dealing) and watching Titanic by myself on a Saturday night.

Be well.

Thanks a lot. I know I'm not alone and this thread was helpful to read today. It will of course be worth it when he gets here. It will be such a relief!

And my mom actually suggested watching Titanic tonight! I was like, oh yeah, just what I need, a tear-jerker! I went with Footloose instead.

[Amyyduck 20]

And my mom actually suggested watching Titanic tonight! I was like, oh yeah, just what I need, a tear-jerker! I went with Footloose instead.

lol, well it was on TBS so I thought I might as well watch. Don't worry, I changed the channel as soon as the second half started. It's like you said, I don't need any MORE tears in my life!

[slangofoil 50]

lol, well it was on TBS so I thought I might as well watch. Don't worry, I changed the channel as soon as the second half started. It's like you said, I don't need any MORE tears in my life!

Very wise decision to skip the second half!

[gap1 21]

]

It's just not feasible to do the big wedding or even a party right now. There are a lot of people he'd want to come from Ireland that wouldn't be able to do so on short notice. Plus I want to save more money. And I am not particularly excited about the prospect of wedding planning to begin with, let alone doing it without him here. Just not at all appealing. I'm totally reconciled to having a courthouse ceremony with just us and having the big shindig next year. But I'm still the one making all the decisions of when it's going be and what little honeymoon we're going to have.

Anyway I hope your plans work out! Sounds like you've got it figured pretty well so best of luck!

Well of course we don't have everything figured out. Since we don't know the date of the visa we can't know for certain our plans will work but we're planning it for April assuming things will be fine by then. We figure it's more than enough time (we're already 2 months into the waiting process) and if it isn't, we're not doing anything that can't be canceled. I'm in the same boat, my fiance's family and friends will be coming in from the UK but it's not going to be that short of notice. People can still buy plane tickets a month or two in advance without spending a fortune, and sometimes the closer you wait to departure date the better the deal.

[mcdsnight 5]

this post made me realize that i am not alone. and yes I know I am not, but with the breaking down part, I thought it was crazy. Talking a whole bunch over the phone and seeing each other via webcams somehow eases the pain of waiting inside. It hurts so much to wait knowing that you have the most valid reason to be together. Love. Sometimes we wish those people at the embassy will experience what we are getting through, the rough times of being far away from the person you love most. But there's nothing we can do, we can drink, watch movie or cry until we fall asleep, the decision is still bounded to their hands.

Patience in deed is a virtue.

Like what my fiance always tells me, "Patience child."

[Lucy NY 1]

I am so glad that I started this post and that we all have somewhere to vent/ let it all out. As discussed before, friends and family, although supportive just dont understand the process and dont understand the feelings you go through when you are apart. The seperation anxiety is only felt by those going through it. No body else can even start to imagine what its all like. On top of this you have the planning of the wedding and the idea of moving countries ( or having your loved one move to you).

I am certain that at some point we will all get there but I ahd no idea how hard this was going to be. There is an end in sight which softens the blow but on a day to day basis, sometimes it can all get a little too much. I am so glad I found this forum and so glad that we all get to talk through it to people that are going through the same process and having the same feelings. It definatly helps in one way or another.

I too, am struggling with dealing with most of this and all the planning. My OH text me yesterday to say - call me I have good news - i got soooooo excited ( had to wait until the end of work!!) then called him and was so disappointed when he said hes managed to change his phone plan - im like ####### - why is that good news! The feeling of such dis-appointment was too much and had a little bit of a break down I knew in some way it wuldnt be the NOA2 but I still got all excited. I then threw a total stress at him I am the one dealing with most of the visa process even though he is the petitioner and he is so laid back that if i didnt deal with it, id never get there!!

I really hope, that some good news starts to come through soon and that we can be with our loved ones

[Gingerpants 8]

He was getting the police cert in Cork, but the issue was that they had to send his application to the local station for every place he's lived, which meant four stations in the city plus his home village station in Clare. After 6 weeks there was still one that was holding things up. It took getting his TDs involved to get the thing wrapped up. Of course after one of them got in touch with the appropriate station the cert was mailed to John the next day. Fecking useless lazy jerks. Just typical.

Gosh then I'm going to be sure to pay them a visit and get that sorted as soon as we get the NOA2, thanks for the heads up!

The doctor was Dr. Donovan in Cork. Aside from being extremely difficult to get in touch with and very rude, he went on vacation after John's medical and the office was completely unreachable for three weeks.

Shame on him for being rude to people undergoing such a stressful process! We'll be sure to stick with Blackrock then.

Thanks for the support!

Not a problem! That's why we're here, to keep each other sane.

Ooh I just noticed your interview is in 4 days, best of luck to you both, let us know how it goes!

Cheers!

[Amyyduck 20]

So I was super bored surfing the net today and I came across this article called "7 ways to survive a long distance relationship." So I quietly laughed to myself and decided to read it. Most of the stuff listed was pretty average stuff we're all way too familiar with (visit regularly, trust each other, set up boundaries, etc) but then they wrote this:

3. Avoid excessive communicating.

While speaking to your partner every day may feel like the best way to stay close, Lorraine actually cautions against such frequent chat-fests. “I recommend having only one scheduled hour (or longer) phone call a week,” she explains. “By doing this, you’ll have more exciting updates to share and you’ll be much more excited and enthusiastic to talk to each other because you’ve been anticipating that phone date all week.” Additionally, she emphasizes that less-frequent communication will not only keep you from growing dependent on each other, but also will provide you both with the freedom to grow independently and have your own lives and hobbies.

Ha! yea right! If I only talked to my Fiance once a week I think I'd go absolutely INSANE. (As if I'm not enough already) This article was clearly written by someone who has NO idea what its actually like to be in an LDR. No one knows better than we do that this is awful advice, so I just thought I'd share!