Adjusting to America

[Mithra 1,185]

Don't misunderstand, it's not permission to leave the house. It's "permission" or basically giving a heads up prior to doing something like going shopping or whatever. And I'm like you, that did not fly with me hence the problems.

I think a lot of it has to do with the individual. My husband transitioned pretty well. That's not to say there haven't been bumps in the road because there definitely has been. Due to a USCIS error my husband didn't get his green card for 7 months and that delayed many things such as job search, driver's license and even getting his credentialing done so he can teach. He has finally landed his first job (10 months into it) and I can already see that it is a relief to him. Being a househusband has certainly been a new experience for him. I have to say though, he has really taken it all in stride and rolled with the punches. When I read you ladies writing that your husband wants you to ask permission to leave the house etc that really floors me. That would not work for me AT ALL. I am the breadwinner here, I own my own home, 2 vehicles, have multiple degrees and I would have to be single before I let any many dictate to me where I go or what I do with my life.

[mandyu1 5]

Hotguy, I appreciate your perspective as a newly immigrated Egyptian man. I hope other MENA men can contribute as well. It helps us as the wives to understand what you're going through in order to try to understand what our own husbands are going through or have gone through because sometimes it's not as easy to tell your own wife/husband what you're feeling.

Yes HotGuy, thanks for weighing in and sharing One thing the Imam did tell me was no matter what he says now, there will come a time when he wants to go back home. It may be soon after he arrives because he hasn't adjusted and it may be 10-15 years down the road, and that was something I had to really take into consideration. He also said that he's been here for 30+ years and as much as he likes it here, he still does not fully grasp the American culture, just like it would be hard for an American to do the same in another culture.

As for asking permission, I don't ask permission to do things, I inform him of what Im doing. I take vacations with my kids, go shopping, to the gym, and many other things, and I tell him out of respect for him, and he does the same to me. The only thing he does not like is for me to be out alone at night, and that is for safety reasons. But he also knows that sometimes it cannot be avoided, especially since he's not here and I have no other family near me, so he has learned to accept that. But Im expecting that when he comes he will have a problem with this, and this is something after a lot of thought I'm willing to compromise with him on.

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

The hardest thing for my husband has been adapting to the American mentality, specifically when it comes to punctuality and accountability. Sometimes I wonder if he would have been better suited to life in the south where it's a little less fast-paced, but that comes with a different set of challenges for an immigrant.

Being five minutes late to your job is not "no big deal", instead it can mean you lose it. A parking ticket has to be paid, or you WILL suffer consequences. A credit score will follow you and affect everything you try to accomplish. There's not a lot of forgiveness in our culture and you can't just wipe the slate clean because, "now you understand how it is".

This is a huge problem for us. He is late to work alot and it swipes 40-50$ off his paycheck each week, the boss deals with it because he is a good worker otherwise. drives me NUTS

It seems the super religous MENA men having a harder time then the more liberal ones IMO. Fasting alone, not having 80 people get together for the Eid, not being able to pray, not being the breadwinner, seeing girls walk around half naked , expecting their wives to be a traditional muslim wife like back home (as far as the "womanly" duties are concerned), not having walking distance access to a mosque or the market, these can all be trying on them. You will have your work cut out for you and Id say it will probably take anywhere from 2-4 years for a good adjustment. Our marriage was tried time and time and my husband is very liberal. Im not trying to scare you just prepare.

Also, you mentioned him wanting to go to get his Masters in Egypt? I would assume this would be once he was a citizen? This could have a huge factor on his status in the country if he was planning to do it while a green card holder

[tenderheartusa79 14]

The pre-marriage couseling is actually a really good idea.

I made the comment about my husband expecting me to get his permission. How do you feel about your fiance expecting that of you? Is it a huge issue or do you not mind it? You don't have to answer here but answer it to yourself and completely honestly. You may not think it bothers you too much because he's not here yet but it may bother you when he gets here to the point where it causes problems. If you think it may cause problems, try to address it now. I didn't fully address it before hand and it did cause problems with us. I basically laughed it off and did what I wanted without telling him because he wasn't here yet so he wouldn't know (not that I did anything "bad"). I didn't realize how much that particular habit would affect us. I look at it this way, I'm a grown woman who is responsible for children, myself and a home I no longer need to get "permission" to do anything such as go shopping after work without alerting him first. After several months of issues and discussion he finally realized that #1. I wasn't doing anything wrong and #2. his behavior was seriously affecting our relationship unnecessarily. I guess what I'm saying is, don't pacify your fiance if his desire for you to seek permission bothers you in any way.

Well try to think about it in differnet way .He is not trying to make you ask for his permission i guess but he wants to know what his wife doing at that momnet .I mean i never asked my wife to wait till i give her a green light about something .but she knows that it makes me worried and nervous when i don't know where she is .Or why she late .So she starts herself to tell me that she is going to be late today or tomorrow cause she is going to a Dr or cause she is going to buy some stuff.........or maybe she is going to work over .

I think its the same when you will ask your husband where he is going when he will move to USA and want to go out .Or when he will be late .I think you have the rights to ask him where you going and why you will be late ......

[tenderheartusa79 14]

Yes HotGuy, thanks for weighing in and sharing One thing the Imam did tell me was no matter what he says now, there will come a time when he wants to go back home. It may be soon after he arrives because he hasn't adjusted and it may be 10-15 years down the road, and that was something I had to really take into consideration. He also said that he's been here for 30+ years and as much as he likes it here, he still does not fully grasp the American culture, just like it would be hard for an American to do the same in another culture.

As for asking permission, I don't ask permission to do things, I inform him of what Im doing. I take vacations with my kids, go shopping, to the gym, and many other things, and I tell him out of respect for him, and he does the same to me. The only thing he does not like is for me to be out alone at night, and that is for safety reasons. But he also knows that sometimes it cannot be avoided, especially since he's not here and I have no other family near me, so he has learned to accept that. But Im expecting that when he comes he will have a problem with this, and this is something after a lot of thought I'm willing to compromise with him on.

Yeah thats what im talking about here .Its not a permission its just he wants to know what you doing .

That's for sure and i guess all of MENA men are the same when it comes to that point .I don't like my wife to be out alone or even drive at night and for sure thats for a safety reasons .

[mandyu1 5]

Also, you mentioned him wanting to go to get his Masters in Egypt? I would assume this would be once he was a citizen? This could have a huge factor on his status in the country if he was planning to do it while a green card holder

Thanks for the advice, and no I meant once he is here he wants to get his master.

[Mithra 1,185]

It was more his delivery and almost indignant attitude that irritated me more than anything. Plus I'm stubborn, lol. I'll tell him (on my own) if I'm going to go out with a friend while he's at work or if I'm going to be late coming home from visiting my parents or whatever, that's normal. I guess it's hard for me to fully express what the exact issue was without making my husband look like a complete a-hole. I have to admit that some of the problem was my reaction to him. I wasn't always nice about things and that did exacerbate the situation. So hence my prior advice about keeping good communication and being aware that certain things such as the word "permission" can be misunderstood. If I had realized this back then it wouldn't have been as big of an issue. I hope my point is coming across correctly. I know certain things aren't taken the way they're intended on forums due to not hearing a tone of voice or seeing body language and facial expressions.

Just to address your comment about expecting my husband to tell me where he's going or if he'll be late, I don't. And that may be because he doesn't really go anywhere alone besides work. But even if he did go out with friends, I wouldn't expect him to get my permission for it.

Well try to think about it in differnet way .He is not trying to make you ask for his permission i guess but he wants to know what his wife doing at that momnet .I mean i never asked my wife to wait till i give her a green light about something .but she knows that it makes me worried and nervous when i don't know where she is .Or why she late .So she starts herself to tell me that she is going to be late today or tomorrow cause she is going to a Dr or cause she is going to buy some stuff.........or maybe she is going to work over .

I think its the same when you will ask your husband where he is going when he will move to USA and want to go out .Or when he will be late .I think you have the rights to ask him where you going and why you will be late ......

Edited August 17, 2010 by je veux ton amour

[mandyu1 5]

There has been a lot of excellent advice given here, but one thing that I don't see, which I really feel a lot of petitioners do not think about is the shock that you will experience yourself. Yes, the immigrant has culture shock and needs help getting use to life in the USA, missing family, friends, his or her way of life, etc. However there is also a period of drastic change in your own life. You're going from living alone (or living with children, etc) to having someone new in your home full time. Yes you love him and you've waited 6, 9, 12 months or more to have him with you, but things just are not going to work the way that you use to. One poster touched on how her husband didn't accept her coming/going as she pleased, but there are other things as well. You have your own schedule ; when you wake up, morning routine, work, kids, friends, dinner, tv shows, etc and now there is going to be another person who has to be incorporated into that. If you're a person who doesn't do well with change, this can be a huge deal and I experienced my own "shock". I love my husband dearly and the last few years that he's been in the US with me have been a blessing, but it hasn't been roses and rainbows. We had to learn to live together. It's no different than if you marry someone in the US and after marriage live together. I was very accustomed to my quiet evenings, reading, television shows, books, going out with friends, etc. After his arrival I was excited and wanted to entertain him, show him his new home, make sure that he felt comfortable, etc. But after a while it starts to feel taxing ; all those creature comforts that you were use to just aren't the same anymore. Again this might have been only me as I don't deal as well with change as some people do. But it's definitely something to think about and prepare for. In some ways the first few months to year can feel very much like having a new child. No, I'm not calling your husband a child, but he is unfamiliar with the area, has no close family or friends, doesn't know how to get from point A to point B, might not understand how a debit or credit card works, is overwhelmed by the selection at the grocery store and can't wrap his mind around 40,000 versions of the same item, doesn't understand slang terms, and the list goes on and on. You have to take him by the hand and guide him through all of this. From teaching to drive and getting a license, to ordering at a restaurant, to using his new ATM card at the MAC machine or credit card to purchase something, etc. I even had to explain the credit process (credit scores, how to obtain credit, how to keep good credit, )

Keeping an open mind and being very patient are probably the two best pieces of advice that I can give.

You make some valid points, and I think you're right, many people don't consider how much their life will change. And Although any new marriage is an adjustment, most spouses (who are in the United States already) know the basics and how to go places and do things on their own. But when dealing with immigration, it is very much like helping a child. But I love him, and I'm trying to prepare myself for this. I just purchased a new car, and he thought I was paying cash so I had to explain the whole credit process to him and it scared him. He's affraid if something happened and he couldn't pay they would put in in jail, and maybe in Egypt they would, but I did have to explain how important it is to pay your bills on time.

Thankfully I have dealt with enough change in life that I've some what deleloped a care free spirit, and roll with whatever comes my way, and in this situation I'm sure it will help. One thing I think I will struggle with though is money. I know Muslim men are raised and should support their family, and even when he is working we all know how expensive it is to live off of one income, and I'm use to buying whatever and whenever I want, without asking for permission or informing anyone.

[tenderheartusa79 14]

You make some valid points, and I think you're right, many people don't consider how much their life will change. And Although any new marriage is an adjustment, most spouses (who are in the United States already) know the basics and how to go places and do things on their own. But when dealing with immigration, it is very much like helping a child. But I love him, and I'm trying to prepare myself for this. I just purchased a new car, and he thought I was paying cash so I had to explain the whole credit process to him and it scared him. He's affraid if something happened and he couldn't pay they would put in in jail, and maybe in Egypt they would, but I did have to explain how important it is to pay your bills on time.

Thankfully I have dealt with enough change in life that I've some what deleloped a care free spirit, and roll with whatever comes my way, and in this situation I'm sure it will help. One thing I think I will struggle with though is money. I know Muslim men are raised and should support their family, and even when he is working we all know how expensive it is to live off of one income, and I'm use to buying whatever and whenever I want, without asking for permission or informing anyone.

That's the most important point .'' Love'' if you guys love each other so much it means that you are going to make it .We all know that life is not always happy or as we say in Egypt life is not always rose LOL .You will have your bad and good time thats for sure .

But as much as you guys love each other you will survive .

And i notice that we are just talking here about how the '' Woman '' make her husband happy and how to help him to adjust to his new life .We always have to talk about how the man be a good husband to his wife .

Here are some tips about how to be a successful husband

1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good.When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.2. Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

3. Don't treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it 'bugs' us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day - which brings no attention from the husband - until she does something to 'bug' him. Don't treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives - radi Allahu 'anhunn. It's a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.

5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.

6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don't let that be; thank her!

7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don't have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.

8. Don't be little her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah - radi Allahu 'anha - was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

9. Be humorous and Play games with your wife. Look at how Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would race his wife Aisha - radi Allahu 'anha - in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

10. Always remember the words of Allah's Messenger - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam: "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family." Try to be the best!

[LaL 418]

Thanks for the advice, and no I meant once he is here he wants to get his master.

My husband considered the same until he saw the cost associated with it! He is still mulling over it and may just wind up doing it - but so far - 5 years later, no and still shakes his head when thinking about our educational costs (i do too).

[mandyu1 5]

That's the most important point .'' Love'' if you guys love each other so much it means that you are going to make it .We all know that life is not always happy or as we say in Egypt life is not always rose LOL .You will have your bad and good time thats for sure .

But as much as you guys love each other you will survive .

And i notice that we are just talking here about how the '' Woman '' make her husband happy and how to help him to adjust to his new life .We always have to talk about how the man be a good husband to his wife .

Here are some tips about how to be a successful husband

1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good.When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.2. Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

3. Don't treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it 'bugs' us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day - which brings no attention from the husband - until she does something to 'bug' him. Don't treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives - radi Allahu 'anhunn. It's a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.

5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.

6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don't let that be; thank her!

7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don't have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.

8. Don't be little her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah - radi Allahu 'anha - was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

9. Be humorous and Play games with your wife. Look at how Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would race his wife Aisha - radi Allahu 'anha - in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

10. Always remember the words of Allah's Messenger - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam: "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family." Try to be the best!

Very nice list, I will pass this on to him hehe When I think about the sacrifices he is making for me so he can come here, and the struggles he will endure, it makes the hardships I will encounter seem minimal. I'm constantly thinking of ways to make his transition easier, and thats one of the reasons I wrote this thread. And fortunately I work remotely from home so I have a lot of flexibility. This will allow me to be with him during the day (even if I'm still doing some work)and he won't be completely alone. He is from Cairo, but has been living the last year in Makka, and just recently returned to Egypt. Prior to working in Makka he worked in Sudan for a year also, so he has already had a taste of what its like to be away from his family, although being in the USA is a lot further away.

Maybe someone can answer this for me; are there any satellite providers that offer Arabic channels? This is one thing he has asked me about, so I've been trying to find out.

[Mithra 1,185]

Dish Network has a nice satellite package for Arabic channels. I believe for the "elite" package it's around $50 or so a month. They have smaller packages for less money if you don't want all the channels in the elite. We've been looking into this ourselves lately.

[mandyu1 5]

Dish Network has a nice satellite package for Arabic channels. I believe for the "elite" package it's around $50 or so a month. They have smaller packages for less money if you don't want all the channels in the elite. We've been looking into this ourselves lately.

oh thats great, I didn't think Dish network or Directv had arabic channels, thanks

[Tunisia216 2]

We can't have a satellite, so we use www.talfazat.com and it works great with our TV. It doesn't pull in a lot of Egyptian stations though, but it has a lot of good programming and you can watch online or on your tv. We've had it over a month now. Noura's husband is a dealer and you could probably contact her for more information

[mandyu1 5]

We can't have a satellite, so we use www.talfazat.com and it works great with our TV. It doesn't pull in a lot of Egyptian stations though, but it has a lot of good programming and you can watch online or on your tv. We've had it over a month now. Noura's husband is a dealer and you could probably contact her for more information

honestly I don't like the dish much, but I never heard of this before. I was just on the website; is it like a receiver for your tv, or how does it work on the tv?