Ramadan & overbearing WASP family

[Mithra 1,185]

Agreed on both accounts. The one bit IS great advice. The rest is worrying. Worrying that obviously educated and well spoken people can think that way. Shariah law taking over Dearborn, MI? That statement alone is grossly inaccurate and quite hilarious. My condolences.

From my own experience, I think this is good advice!

The rest of it, however, is bullshite. Sorry.

[msheesha 548]

It must have been really intense to get that letter. I agree with two of her points 1- you will definitely need to go a thicker skin. 2- marriages are really tough and cultural differences often compund those difficulties.

Sadly your aunt and other family members will not be the last people in your life who will make assumptions about you and your fiancé and who will vilify Muslims and Islam. Your aunt spoke out loud what it sounds like everyone around you is thinking.

If you are looking for advice I would say develop the thick skin your aunt suggested and respond in a way that illustrates the dignity and compassion that is in keeping with Islam.

The reality is that your family loves you and is concerned about you. Unfortunately their ignorance about Islam and Muslims is preventing them from expressing that in a way that you can hear it because it's so inflammatory. Just realize that it's coming from a twisted place of love and concern and do everything you can to educate them. If you've made these huge changes that scare them and you are not able to articulate the reasons for these changes you ate leaving the door wide open for them to assume that you are being controlled by your fiancé and don't understand the changes yourself.

Those are my thoughts on it. Hope it's helpful in some way.

Also there's a book called Daughter of another Path by carol anway. You should read about it and think about buying it for your mother and aunt.

Peace!

[Mithra 1,185]

It's a good book, I agree. However, this family is hardcore I don't even think that will help them. Unfortunately. The book would probably be helpful for Meghan and I would also recommend it to her.

Also there's a book called Daughter of another Path by carol anway. You should read about it and think about buying it for your mother and aunt.

Peace!

[msheesha 548]

Yes their ignorance is deeply entrenched and awful but I just don't see throwing previously positive familial relationships out the window without some effort and dialogue. It seems like they are trying to communicate and any form of communication is being shut down.

I would assume they've never even met a Muslim before and so taking steps towards being open and honest would be helpful. I think shutting down communication contributes to the fear and ignorance they already have about Islam.

Just my thoughts for what they are worth. I hope it's helpful in some way.

[mspain 1]

It's a good book, I agree. However, this family is hardcore I don't even think that will help them. Unfortunately. The book would probably be helpful for Meghan and I would also recommend it to her.

Yes, my family seriously is hardcore. I really do not care to ever speak to this aunt again (we have had issues before this) and I think my brief email pretty much sums up that I won't be speaking to her. I don't think any books or heart to hearts with her would ever happen. The reason I have never had any open discussion with my family is that there is no discussion- it's a monologue of the " my way or the highway" as far as what's right. I certainly don't want to discuss my love life or my hopes and dreams with them as there is nothing sacred in this family it seems.

However, I mentioned in an early post that I spoke with my mom and told her I was doing Ramadan. She knows what Ramadan is, made a disgusted face, started crying and left. I didn't think it was necessary to discuss more with her, because she looked pretty sad/upset. I'll save that for another day. But at least she knows now.

And as for not throwing away relationships, I do love my mother. But right now, I have to distance myself from her and show her that this is my choice and she needs to respect that.

Edited August 19, 2010 by meghan.spain

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm not suggesting she throw out familial relationships. I just don't believe that particular book will change anything. I gave my mother that book before I married a Muslim Arab because I felt it was a simple enough for her to understand and thought it would help her understand Islam better. It failed and she ended up looking ####### up online to prove HER point. She wasn't even half as bad as Meghan's family. My family isn't exactly thrilled about Islam but now that they've met my husband they've softened up a lot and it's a non issue. It probably helps that he's not religious and not your "typical" Arab Muslim. They'd probably prefer if I had married a white, American Christian man but I didn't and they've learned to deal with it. Also, I did have a time of disconnect from my family while I was waiting for my husband to arrive. Once he got here he's the one who brought everyone back together. That helped as well. Anyways, maybe a time of disconnect wouldn't be terrible for Meghan. Not a complete cutting of ties just a "break".

Yes their ignorance is deeply entrenched and awful but I just don't see throwing previously positive familial relationships out the window without some effort and dialogue. It seems like they are trying to communicate and any form of communication is being shut down.

I would assume they've never even met a Muslim before and so taking steps towards being open and honest would be helpful. I think shutting down communication contributes to the fear and ignorance they already have about Islam.

Just my thoughts for what they are worth. I hope it's helpful in some way.

[mspain 1]

I'm not suggesting she throw out familial relationships. I just don't believe that particular book will change anything. I gave my mother that book before I married a Muslim Arab because I felt it was a simple enough for her to understand and thought it would help her understand Islam better. It failed and she ended up looking ####### up online to prove HER point. She wasn't even half as bad as Meghan's family. My family isn't exactly thrilled about Islam but now that they've met my husband they've softened up a lot and it's a non issue. It probably helps that he's not religious and not your "typical" Arab Muslim. They'd probably prefer if I had married a white, American Christian man but I didn't and they've learned to deal with it. Also, I did have a time of disconnect from my family while I was waiting for my husband to arrive. Once he got here he's the one who brought everyone back together. That helped as well. Anyways, maybe a time of disconnect wouldn't be terrible for Meghan. Not a complete cutting of ties just a "break".

That's exactly what I want. I just need some time for them to back away and let me do my thing until he gets here. All this drama of showing up unannounced at my house, ringing the doorbells and "checking up" on me at my house it too much. I moved out of their house six months ago cause I was done with shenanigans and foolishness. I really just need a break from them for awhile.

[Mithra 1,185]

If that's what you feel will make you more comfortable, then take a break. Let your mother know you love her but you need some time and space. There are no guarantees that your mom and family will soften up like mine did but it's possible. Maybe if they meet Anouar and see how he treats you and how happy you are with him they will change their minds some. Probably not completely but enough that you all can be civil with each other.

[Crossed_fingers 128]

What a experience it must have been to read a letter like that. Perhaps instead of sending her a book on American women converts to Islam, you could send her a book on the importance of ridding your life of toxic people and influences. Or you could just never send her a book or talk to her again.

I do agree that at some point you will have to develop thick skin, and I do not in any way mean that as a condescending statement or a judgment that how you're coping right now is somehow inappropriate. I don't mean that at all, and I don't have that opinion in the slightest. I just mean that I sense your family is going to continue to be as much of a thorn in your side as they are able, and that's besides the run of the mill judgments, facial expressions, and nasty words that come from strangers and others. I do absolutely disagree with your aunt's ridiculous statement to the effect that every Christian and every American thinks the way she does, though, of course!!!!! Perhaps, if you are interested and financially able, this might be a good time to consider moving to a few area, farther away from your family and perhaps in an area with a stronger Muslim community and more diversity? Obviously not necessary and there are good, normal, unprejudiced people everywhere, thank God, but I'm just suggesting something "out there" as a clean break or cooling off period, like a fresh start for when Anouar comes.

Anyway, I know this must be incredibly upsetting, even if you have had problems with this aunt in the past. As you know, you can't live your life to please other people, though, and I think in the long run you'll be just fine and all the stronger for this painful experience!

[sara535 15]

Good for you for telling your mom that you are observing Ramadan.

and that letter is just insane, except for the nugget Jenn quoted.

[~ameriptian~ 54]

Meghan,

The letter shows that the person who wrote it is very close-minded. If I were you I'd have wrote a long reply answering every part with answers 'that would shut them up' before I asked her to stop talking to me again, but you still did good by closing the door for more interference in your life.

I also find the part Jenn quoted from the later racist. It does in a way sound wise and all, but if a person is wise enough would realize that s/he shouldn't discriminate against people or categorize them based on race, religion, nationality, etc.

I hope everything starts cooling down soon.

[Staashi 371]

Meghan, I just had one question for you - when were you "born again"? Was it when you were younger or older?

[Tunisia216 2]

aye, aye, aye

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with people like this. I could quote a hundred things; bible verses, scholars, books,etc but I have to wonder if it would do any good. It seems like her mind is made up and closed for business. I would say that the best thing you can do is show them by example. Live your life, be happy with your husband, be a good person and maybe by time (I hope before it's too late) they will come to see that Islam is a religion of peace and that they've been entirely wrong in their judgments and criticisms.

[msheesha 548]

I'm sure this is not going to be a popular sentiment, but I'm going to express it anyway.

Meeting reactionary, emotional, infammatory rhetoric with the same won't do anything to advance the situation. It's a horribly difficult situation, but it saddens me to hear that family members are being cut off from one another because of religious choices, misperceptions about religions, etc. I have found the best way to handle people like that, is to continue to show them by example what happiness and peace Islam has brought into my life. I think that's always the best response.

It can feel like a confusing betrayal to hard-core religious family members when someone in the family chooses another religion. Shutting them out seems like it will allow their ignorance and emotionality to rage.

Again, sure it's not popular, but one thing that Islam teaches us is that how we treat our parents, especially our mothers, is incredibly important. We're not responsible for their behavior towards us, but always responsible for our behavior towards them.

Also, this is just my preoccupation and perspective - if bridges between different religions within families can't be formed, what hope is there for interfaith relations among strangers, etc?

[Prawninator 138]

I'm sure this is not going to be a popular sentiment, but I'm going to express it anyway.

Meeting reactionary, emotional, infammatory rhetoric with the same won't do anything to advance the situation. It's a horribly difficult situation, but it saddens me to hear that family members are being cut off from one another because of religious choices, misperceptions about religions, etc. I have found the best way to handle people like that, is to continue to show them by example what happiness and peace Islam has brought into my life. I think that's always the best response.

It can feel like a confusing betrayal to hard-core religious family members when someone in the family chooses another religion. Shutting them out seems like it will allow their ignorance and emotionality to rage.

Again, sure it's not popular, but one thing that Islam teaches us is that how we treat our parents, especially our mothers, is incredibly important. We're not responsible for their behavior towards us, but always responsible for our behavior towards them.

Also, this is just my preoccupation and perspective - if bridges between different religions within families can't be formed, what hope is there for interfaith relations among strangers, etc?

I like your post, but I think it's more difficult within families, because they think they KNOW each other down to the very last hair on their head (or legs, depending. ). At least with strangers, there aren't any expectations. Like a Christian family expecting their children to be upstanding Christian kids and subsequently, adults (personal experience). You don't expect almost ANYTHING from a stranger.

Also, another problem. Trying to deal with bigotry and narrow-mindedness with peace and understanding is like trying to "catch a wave upon the sand". I mean, where do you think the term "you can lead a horse to water..." comes from? My mother-in-law (a "flaming liberal", according to her nephew) told me once that close/narrow-minded people are extremely difficult to deal with, after I had severed ties with a couple that had poisoned my self-worth to make themselves feel better (not the whole story). She also said that people like that think, "I've already made up my mind, don't bother me with the facts."

Unfortunately, as much as we want common understanding, faith and reason are not antonyms.