Ramadan & overbearing WASP family

[anxious 0]

added to say: to the OP- its a clash of religious views not cultures

and to anxious- christians fast at different times and at anytime throughout the year usually without letting others know its being done. So to only be doing it around ramadan is like a flag to a christian family.

mk,i think they know she is fasting for Ramadan.

I am aware Christians fast.

[Dream'nJordan 9]

People fear what they dont know. Just a suggestion, but if you printed out things about Islam and left them at their house, do you think they would read it? Or if you actually sat down with them and just told them what you are doing and how you feel, would they listen? If you educate them more maybe they wont put so much pressure on you. I had somewhat of a problem with all of my family and some of my friends when they found out that my now husband is Muslim. Mom wouldnt talk to me, Dad just shook his head. But after I printed out papers and talked with them about it, the more they eased up. Now they talk almost everyday to him on webcam. Just try! I wish you the best of luck. Take care!

[Ahmed&Rachel 8]

My mom has seen me in pictures with the veil and knows that I would wear it when I was living outside the US. She also knows that I have expressed positive opinions about Islam.

Most people are probably wondering why I dont just tell my family already. I am waiting for the opportunity to express my wish to convert to my family, although I said my shahada Ramadan 09. My fiance wants me to wait till he gets here (just had visa approved Aug 12) before we officially tell my family. My fiance is almost always right about the best way to handle a situation and I trust his judgment completely. He also led me to Islam and taught me so much about the way to lead a good life that I did not understand before, so I am choosing to remain silent until he arrives.

Ohh, I see. That sounds like a good plan, and it will be much easier if you have at least one person to support you, when I was converting my 2 sisters were happy for me, and saw the positive impact it had on my character so they supported me and even argued with my parents in my defense. You need someone to stand beside you!

[Mithra 1,185]

This is excellent advice. Waiting to communicate until the fiance shows up may only complicate matters both regarding religion and their acceptance of the fiance. It also may prove to them what they've already feared, that the fiance has pushed her to conversion. Communicating to them that this is a decision that was taken by the OP alone and showing them positive things about Islam could possibly convince them to accept the conversion instead of having them hold a grudge against the fiance.

People fear what they dont know. Just a suggestion, but if you printed out things about Islam and left them at their house, do you think they would read it? Or if you actually sat down with them and just told them what you are doing and how you feel, would they listen? If you educate them more maybe they wont put so much pressure on you. I had somewhat of a problem with all of my family and some of my friends when they found out that my now husband is Muslim. Mom wouldnt talk to me, Dad just shook his head. But after I printed out papers and talked with them about it, the more they eased up. Now they talk almost everyday to him on webcam. Just try! I wish you the best of luck. Take care!

[Ahmed&Rachel 8]

People fear what they dont know. Just a suggestion, but if you printed out things about Islam and left them at their house, do you think they would read it? Or if you actually sat down with them and just told them what you are doing and how you feel, would they listen? If you educate them more maybe they wont put so much pressure on you. I had somewhat of a problem with all of my family and some of my friends when they found out that my now husband is Muslim. Mom wouldnt talk to me, Dad just shook his head. But after I printed out papers and talked with them about it, the more they eased up. Now they talk almost everyday to him on webcam. Just try! I wish you the best of luck. Take care!

Yes that's a good idea, my grandma eased up some when i talked to her about it and explained it to her. I think at first she was so ignorant about it she thought I was praying to several gods, maybe she was thinking Hinduism? Either way, when the time comes and you do tell them you should explain some so that they can get an understanding of your new life

[mspain 1]

People fear what they dont know. Just a suggestion, but if you printed out things about Islam and left them at their house, do you think they would read it? Or if you actually sat down with them and just told them what you are doing and how you feel, would they listen? If you educate them more maybe they wont put so much pressure on you. I had somewhat of a problem with all of my family and some of my friends when they found out that my now husband is Muslim. Mom wouldnt talk to me, Dad just shook his head. But after I printed out papers and talked with them about it, the more they eased up. Now they talk almost everyday to him on webcam. Just try! I wish you the best of luck. Take care!

Dear DreamnJordan

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad your family is finally accepting and is adapting well. I began speaking to my family about Islam years ago and bought books, etc. But my family did the same, only different... for example my dad would print out articles about true stories- one was a heterosexual moroccan man who had a relationship with a French man so that he could move to France. Also stories about honor killings and that stories that say the religion supports beating women. Terrorist stories. My aunt recently told me I was dead to her and she didnt know me- three years ago she said " How can light have union with dark?" Another aunt told me, before I moved to Spain to be with my fiance, wrote me a letter to tell me I was throwing my life in the garbage by marrying him. They'll leave out evangelical books about Muslims turned Christians and at dinner they'll pray for my fiance's mortal soul that he doesnt burn in hell. It's ridiculous! I'm fed up!!!

[msheesha 548]

Meghan - I converted years ago, prior to meeting my husband, and fasted for several years prior to medical issues stopping me from fasting from food during Ramadan. I believe that my family (practicing Christian Catholics) was accepting because I was open and honest with them from the beginning. I don't think you can engender respect from your family for your beliefs and actions without being honest with them about it. While it may be an open secret, I think that you are contributing to the disrespect by not dealing with it head on. Honestly, I think you are contributing to issues by not honestly putting everything out on the table honestly. How can they respect and honor your decisions and actions when you're not addressing it directly yourself? They can easily be reading your ommissions as shame about your decisions. Why would they honor and respect it when you're not showing pride and maturity yourself?

I don't mean to be harsh and I hope you aren't offended, but from my perspective, you really seem to be contributing to the situation. You should not be ashamed of your decisions or hide behind your fiance about them. By doing so, I think that you're giving your family free reign to do what they are doing.

Also, with regard to not sharing with your family that you are Muslim until your fiance gets here, I think you are potentially putting your fiance in a very unfair situation. Your family seems to already have enough negative assumptions/feelings about your fiance and your relationship. Why not be strong on your own and deal with the conversion before he gets here so that your fiance will not be dealing with transition to a new country, etc AND having to deal with your family's feelings about your conversion all at once.

Just some food for thought from my perspective. I hope it's of some benefit to you.

Peace.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Meghan - I converted years ago, prior to meeting my husband, and fasted for several years prior to medical issues stopping me from fasting from food during Ramadan. I believe that my family (practicing Christian Catholics) was accepting because I was open and honest with them from the beginning. I don't think you can engender respect from your family for your beliefs and actions without being honest with them about it. While it may be an open secret, I think that you are contributing to the disrespect by not dealing with it head on. Honestly, I think you are contributing to issues by not honestly putting everything out on the table honestly. How can they respect and honor your decisions and actions when you're not addressing it directly yourself? They can easily be reading your ommissions as shame about your decisions. Why would they honor and respect it when you're not showing pride and maturity yourself?

I don't mean to be harsh and I hope you aren't offended, but from my perspective, you really seem to be contributing to the situation. You should not be ashamed of your decisions or hide behind your fiance about them. By doing so, I think that you're giving your family free reign to do what they are doing.

Also, with regard to not sharing with your family that you are Muslim until your fiance gets here, I think you are potentially putting your fiance in a very unfair situation. Your family seems to already have enough negative assumptions/feelings about your fiance and your relationship. Why not be strong on your own and deal with the conversion before he gets here so that your fiance will not be dealing with transition to a new country, etc AND having to deal with your family's feelings about your conversion all at once.

Just some food for thought from my perspective. I hope it's of some benefit to you.

Peace.

Even though I personally do not agree with converting to islam... I do think this is the best post I have seen Msheesha write. If your going to do something, might as well be open and honest about it. And your fiance and you will have things (culturally) to adjust to once he gets here. It would be overwhelmingly stressful to add something that you could deal with on your own.

[mspain 1]

Meghan - I converted years ago, prior to meeting my husband, and fasted for several years prior to medical issues stopping me from fasting from food during Ramadan. I believe that my family (practicing Christian Catholics) was accepting because I was open and honest with them from the beginning. I don't think you can engender respect from your family for your beliefs and actions without being honest with them about it. While it may be an open secret, I think that you are contributing to the disrespect by not dealing with it head on. Honestly, I think you are contributing to issues by not honestly putting everything out on the table honestly. How can they respect and honor your decisions and actions when you're not addressing it directly yourself? They can easily be reading your ommissions as shame about your decisions. Why would they honor and respect it when you're not showing pride and maturity yourself?

I don't mean to be harsh and I hope you aren't offended, but from my perspective, you really seem to be contributing to the situation. You should not be ashamed of your decisions or hide behind your fiance about them. By doing so, I think that you're giving your family free reign to do what they are doing.

Also, with regard to not sharing with your family that you are Muslim until your fiance gets here, I think you are potentially putting your fiance in a very unfair situation. Your family seems to already have enough negative assumptions/feelings about your fiance and your relationship. Why not be strong on your own and deal with the conversion before he gets here so that your fiance will not be dealing with transition to a new country, etc AND having to deal with your family's feelings about your conversion all at once.

Just some food for thought from my perspective. I hope it's of some benefit to you.

Peace.

Thank you for your post. This has given me something to think about. My fiance is telling me to wait to tell them, but I do feel that I could easily have avoided this whole incident had they just known from day 1 this is what I'm doing and that I have already made my decision. Thanks again.

[Ahmed&Rachel 8]

Meghan - I converted years ago, prior to meeting my husband, and fasted for several years prior to medical issues stopping me from fasting from food during Ramadan. I believe that my family (practicing Christian Catholics) was accepting because I was open and honest with them from the beginning. I don't think you can engender respect from your family for your beliefs and actions without being honest with them about it. While it may be an open secret, I think that you are contributing to the disrespect by not dealing with it head on. Honestly, I think you are contributing to issues by not honestly putting everything out on the table honestly. How can they respect and honor your decisions and actions when you're not addressing it directly yourself? They can easily be reading your ommissions as shame about your decisions. Why would they honor and respect it when you're not showing pride and maturity yourself?

I don't mean to be harsh and I hope you aren't offended, but from my perspective, you really seem to be contributing to the situation. You should not be ashamed of your decisions or hide behind your fiance about them. By doing so, I think that you're giving your family free reign to do what they are doing.

Also, with regard to not sharing with your family that you are Muslim until your fiance gets here, I think you are potentially putting your fiance in a very unfair situation. Your family seems to already have enough negative assumptions/feelings about your fiance and your relationship. Why not be strong on your own and deal with the conversion before he gets here so that your fiance will not be dealing with transition to a new country, etc AND having to deal with your family's feelings about your conversion all at once.

Just some food for thought from my perspective. I hope it's of some benefit to you.

Peace.

Bravo! Very good idea, found my family respects my decisions less if I am ashamed. Don't act ashamed and they won't see you have anything to be ashamed of!

[Mithra 1,185]

Brava! Agreed 100%

Meghan - I converted years ago, prior to meeting my husband, and fasted for several years prior to medical issues stopping me from fasting from food during Ramadan. I believe that my family (practicing Christian Catholics) was accepting because I was open and honest with them from the beginning. I don't think you can engender respect from your family for your beliefs and actions without being honest with them about it. While it may be an open secret, I think that you are contributing to the disrespect by not dealing with it head on. Honestly, I think you are contributing to issues by not honestly putting everything out on the table honestly. How can they respect and honor your decisions and actions when you're not addressing it directly yourself? They can easily be reading your ommissions as shame about your decisions. Why would they honor and respect it when you're not showing pride and maturity yourself?

I don't mean to be harsh and I hope you aren't offended, but from my perspective, you really seem to be contributing to the situation. You should not be ashamed of your decisions or hide behind your fiance about them. By doing so, I think that you're giving your family free reign to do what they are doing.

Also, with regard to not sharing with your family that you are Muslim until your fiance gets here, I think you are potentially putting your fiance in a very unfair situation. Your family seems to already have enough negative assumptions/feelings about your fiance and your relationship. Why not be strong on your own and deal with the conversion before he gets here so that your fiance will not be dealing with transition to a new country, etc AND having to deal with your family's feelings about your conversion all at once.

Just some food for thought from my perspective. I hope it's of some benefit to you.

Peace.

[mspain 1]

Alhamdulelah sis, it's so good to hear that you are fasting! Ramadan Mubarak! May Allah reward you for your struggles and patience in dealing with your family. Just hang in there, Allah rewards those who are patient and tests those whom he loves.

Some of it is hard to recall but when I first converted I think I was very forthcoming with my intentions soon after I was sure that I wanted to be a Muslim because I felt very strongly about it, although with my dad it was a bit hard to deal with and I think I emailed him about it. At first, when I was looking into Islam I guess because I was so interested by it, it was all I could really talk about to my sisters and my mother so I think they saw it coming. It's hard for me to remember all of the details, but my family did know. I was living with my father at the time and we basically did not talk very much at all, before or after I began looking into Islam so he just ignored me, until I decided to wear hijab and began to pray. He was very angry... Had several arguments with me about how religion is stupid, that god doesn't care what I do, and that He (god) is laughing at me (my dad does not believe in organized religion, but believes in a god that just "watches" us). He told his whole side of the family about it, and of course he told them his own version. He also made sure to tell them that Islam was an evil sort of "cult", sent them emails and website links that spread hate about Islam, said they treated their women like property and that I was an "idiot", a "stupid immature girl" And was going through a fad. He basically slandered my name to his whole side of the family. He told me that I couldn't pray in his house or wear the "stupid scarf" on my head and that I was degrading myself, and that anything pertaining to Islam had to be gotten rid of or at least put in my car so it wasn't in his house, so I moved out the next morning while he was at work. I moved in with my grandparents and continued to practice. My grandma was very upset, she cried some and would argue about Jesus, bring up religion all the time and try to get me to eat pork even by lying and saying there was no pork in her food. Also she'd insist there was nothing wrong with drinking. She still bugs me, and says "You have gorgeous hair, if I were you I'd show it to everybody!". Alhamdulelah though, some people have experienced much worse and have even had physical abuse. I am just glad I am able to practice Islam. Everyone's story is different and so interesting.

Again, May Allah reward you Sis, I am so happy for you.

Thanks so much for sharing this story with us Rachel. I think we have alot in common and I appreciate your words of encouragement. Have a blessed Ramadan!

[sandinista! 1,816]

First, unfortunately you can't control what people post on a public forum. Second, I don't see any "ugly" comments in Tamara's post. She's just being honest regaring a Christian family's point of view.

you obviously don't know tamara. anyone with long time history here knows what she's all about, and it is indeed very ugly. meghan may be a new poster, but she caught right on to what tamara's all about straight away.

having a christian family, that doesn't behave like ignorant, hick, bigots, i'm really offended to hear this ####### touted as a "christian family's point of view". no christian in my family would dream of behaving that way, nor would they ever believe something like "coming from a christian family its unacceptable to be married to a muslim" or "Its no surprise that your mom would react this way if she thinks you have converted or thinking to convert."

they would be so offended to hear that that kind of behavior is to be expected because they're christian.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

you obviously don't know tamara. anyone with long time history here knows what she's all about, and it is indeed very ugly. meghan may be a new poster, but she caught right on to what tamara's all about straight away.

having a christian family, that doesn't behave like ignorant, hick, bigots, i'm really offended to hear this ####### touted as a "christian family's point of view". no christian in my family would dream of behaving that way, nor would they ever believe something like "coming from a christian family its unacceptable to be married to a muslim" or "Its no surprise that your mom would react this way if she thinks you have converted or thinking to convert."

they would be so offended to hear that that kind of behavior is to be expected because they're christian.

Christianity does not accept anything in islam that goes against what is taught in the bible. Christianity is supposed to love not hate even its enemies and obviously it has enemies or it wouldnt be mandated to love them. Does not mean we are to accept islam as truth or agree with it.

[msheesha 548]

Meghan -

Another thought that came to mind is that the fast of Ramadan is just not about refraining from food during daylight hours. Being dishonest and/or frustrated with your mother/parents/family because you are hiding your participation in Ramadan and Islam, really isn't keeping with the spirit of Islam, or especially Ramadan.

I hope you find peace and comfort with this all soon.