Ramadan & overbearing WASP family

[mspain 1]

Everyone's family is different. I certainly empathize with what the OP is going through. I don't like hiding anything from my family, and I don't like carrying on my religion behind some secrecy. However, I think if I came out about it all today, it would cause unnecessary pain and stress. I know my family, and I know they will eventually come around, and I don't want them to do something rash like skip our wedding because they blame my fiance and then a year later after they've cooled down realize what they missed out on. This isn't to say that one way is better than any other, or that I've found the best path. It's a hard, messy situation no matter what - and as we all seem to agree, it's not at all surprising that it is such a challenge. Some families may feel more betrayed at the lie than at the conversion itself; I am positive that my family has different priorities.

Did I mention I have an older brother who tried to divorce himself from the family after they tried doing all kinds of interventions for something unrelated. Then several years after this, my parents had another falling out with him because they didnt agree with his personal decisions and did not go to his wedding. They get along, sort of, today, but when I ask my mom if she would take it all back and go to his wedding, she said she still wouldnt go and she also has told me she will do the same for my own.

I think I may have to take the previous posters advice and just cut them out of the equation, at least for awhile.

Anyway, I'm glad your family is taking it well and I like what you said about baby steps.

[Prawninator 138]

Well, whatever your decision in regards to how close to family you want to be anymore, I hope it'll work out for you and your future husband. It's true you cannot choose family, but you can kinda choose how to relate to them.

Also, you've done a good job so far at abstaining from temptation!

Ramadan Mubarak!

[J&N* 68]

Hey meghan!

Sorry your family is pressuring you, but I can definitely see why they're freaking out, it's all the *hiding* you do.

This is a little different from the post, but if you're gonna fast, you might as well do it right, come out from the closet, tell everyone, why do you deny it, if you're convinced and proud of it, right? and you said you wore the veil and took it off? you either wear it and be proud of it, or you don't at all. It is not right to keep wearing it, and taking it off when you want to. I'm sorry but that's the truth.

Best wishes to you!

[sandinista! 1,816]

Christianity does not accept anything in islam that goes against what is taught in the bible. Christianity is supposed to love not hate even its enemies and obviously it has enemies or it wouldnt be mandated to love them. Does not mean we are to accept islam as truth or agree with it.

it's obvious that the concepts of basic human decency and respect are far beyond your grasp. my sincere condolences.

[Darnell 8,478]

Are you a Muslima now ?

If so, please go talk with the Imam at yer local Mosque,

ask him to talk with yer Mother's Minister

and get the two of them (The Imam and the Minister)

to negotiate the Peace.

Seriously.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Darnell

[Always+Forever 7]

Are you a Muslima now ?

If so, please go talk with the Imam at yer local Mosque,

ask him to talk with yer Mother's Minister

and get the two of them (The Imam and the Minister)

to negotiate the Peace.

Seriously.

That is a really good idea Its funny how ppl r saying their religion is supposed to love all, but you can still not be nice to them Can't we all just get along

Monica

[caybee 21]

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I just wanted to say I feel for you. My family hasn't responded like that to me marrying a Muslim or fasting with him, and I don't think that response is necessarily to be expected from all Christians. But my dad's a retired minister, and my mom's a retired Christian educator, so they're hardly "lukewarm" in their beliefs, and I did get plenty of heavy discussions from them BEFORE we married. I found myself getting tense on your behalf at the thought of having to dodge that barrage of food and attempts to sabotage your fasting or manipulate you.

I'm not sure your decision not to come right out and say you're fasting is going to work out best for you. Sure, you shouldn't have to tell anyone what you're doing, as that's between you and God. But everyone already knows. They're already talking. And you're having to dodge calls from your mom and scramble for excuse after excuse for not being near her at mealtimes. Would it get that much worse if you went ahead and told them what they already know? You could say something like, "Mom, I am Muslim, and I am fasting. This is my choice. I am an adult, and what and when I eat or drink is nobody's business but my own." She already knows all of this, but once you put it out there, clearly and succinctly, from then on when she tries to tempt you to break your fast, you no longer have to wear yourself out coming up with excuses. All you have to say is, "No, thank you. I'm fasting," or even just, "No, thank you." She might persist, probably would at first, but you'd be well within your rights to tell her it was not up for discussion and that if she persisted after you've said no, you would end that particular visit. I don't think that's too harsh a response. It doesn't mean you don't love her, but love doesn't require us to be physically present with people who are actively trying to sabotage our sincere personal efforts, especially once we've asked them to stop. If you were anorexic or engaging in other truly unhealthy behaviors, she'd be more justified in her persistence, but I'm not sure even then she'd be justified in trying to "force-feed" you.

It does sound, just from my POV, that your mom is doing all of this out of sincere love for you, but manipulation and sabotage aren't fair techniques to use. I wonder if she's familiar with the fasting requirements of Coptic Christians. I'm sorry if I get any of this wrong, as I only know what little I've read, but my understanding is that Coptic Orthodox Christians refrain from all food and drink 210 days out of the year, from midnight until noon or even sundown if they're able, and they keep to what is essentially a vegan diet during fasting times. I don't say that to make a comparison, but just to point out that there are plenty of Christians who fast, and there are some who fast at strictly prescribed times, just as Muslims do. So fasting per se should not be an issue for her. It's an issue because it's visible proof of your religious choice, and she's not yet able to deal with that. I hope she and the rest of your family come to terms with it soon, at least enough to stop hassling you about your choices. Hang in there, and be true to yourself. Sounds like you are.

[Liz Rodriguez 1]

Oh my goodness. I am in the process I guess of converting. I thankfully dont live any where near my family for them to be pushy like that. I have had some issues how ever with friends that I went to school and church with when I was in high school. Granted I havent stepped foot in their church in I dont know some 8 almost 9 years. I decided that for the sake of Allah I wouldnt have any pictures on my facebook showing my hair so I took down all my pictures that were on there and put up pictures of me in my hijab. I was shocked when my mother was like I dont understand it but it is your life you do what you feel is necessary. My friends on the other hand, were like what are you doing? You know the true religion and that Jesus is your savior and on and on and on. I tried to explain to them that this was my decision and I felt that it was the right one after all I had been through in my life and I didn't feel the peace that I feel now that I have been studying Islam. There are just some people that you have to just say enough is enough. Either you keep your opinions to yourself or we are done. I know it is hard to say but that is what I had to say. You have your belief and I have mine. If you want to stay friends dont try to convert me back and I wont try to convert you until you want to know more about Islam instead of the ignorance you know from the media. I was mean but polite all the same. Good luck with your fasting and just avoid your mother if she tries again.

[Ban Hammer 13,429]

let's please be a bit more diplomatic in posting as members can be offended with broad brush comments.

[Jenn! 918]

Yeah, I agree with the poster who said it's time to come out of the closet. Time for the, "I'm here, I'm ####### Muslim. Get used to it." talk. If they want to stay a part of your life then they will have to come to terms with it. You need to make it clear that you will not accept any attempts to "take you back" and if they start down that road then you just won't be spending any time with them.

I'm sure it will be difficult, but in the long run a whole lot less stressful than the charade you're all playing now.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb,

They're either going to be po-ed at your now, or po-ed at you later, so why not get it over sooner rather than later?

I'm one who didn't tell my parents about my conversion for fear of their reaction. But, they suspected something, snooped in my email, found out and we had a huge blow out confrontation. It's different for everybody, but I think in my case, if I had been more open and honest, things wouldn't have been so rough for me religion and marriage wise. I've been a muslim for almost a decade, and this is the first Ramadan my mother isn't actively discouraging me from fasting. It's also the first Ramadan that they're aware of it and taking an active interest - they found an article about Husain Abdullah, the Minnesota Vikings player who is fasting for Ramadan and shared it with me, which I thought was very sweet. Alhamdulilah.

If you can't bear to face them in person, write a letter and send it to the people you think will be most bothered. Emphasize you're not rejecting them, and that you will still always love and care for them. Lay everything out and invite only polite discussion and questions. Don't get into debates, and just say, yes, I'm muslim, alhamdulilah, and that's all there is to it.

[Staashi 371]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb,

They're either going to be po-ed at your now, or po-ed at you later, so why not get it over sooner rather than later?

I'm one who didn't tell my parents about my conversion for fear of their reaction. But, they suspected something, snooped in my email, found out and we had a huge blow out confrontation. It's different for everybody, but I think in my case, if I had been more open and honest, things wouldn't have been so rough for me religion and marriage wise. I've been a muslim for almost a decade, and this is the first Ramadan my mother isn't actively discouraging me from fasting. It's also the first Ramadan that they're aware of it and taking an active interest - they found an article about Husain Abdullah, the Minnesota Vikings player who is fasting for Ramadan and shared it with me, which I thought was very sweet. Alhamdulilah.

If you can't bear to face them in person, write a letter and send it to the people you think will be most bothered. Emphasize you're not rejecting them, and that you will still always love and care for them. Lay everything out and invite only polite discussion and questions. Don't get into debates, and just say, yes, I'm muslim, alhamdulilah, and that's all there is to it.

Rahma, this is wonderful. Knowing your story, I'm glad to see their progress to tolerance. Praise be to God!

[~Jackie~ 30]

asalaamu alaikoum ya'll!

I accepted Islam in 2002 before ever knowing or meeting a muslim. At first my family thought it was a passing fad and I would soon get over it. LOL here we are 9 years later. and awesome news..............

My niece contacted me last week and said she had seen what a difference Islam made in my life and she was READY to say her shahada!

One of our VJ'ers said her shahada last week also....ALHAMDULILLAH! (um squeakster..i need some help! )

I agree with the advice to 'come out of the closet' ...by hiding your beliefs your family might misconstrue that you are ashamed or unsure of your decision. I hope it will all work out.

Jax

[FaithfulandTrue 6]

I pray all goes well for you... sorry your family is acting this way... i'm christian and habibi is muslim and i NEVER came at him crazy... however my pastor wouldn't marry us because he said we were unequally yoked... so i went to the courthouse and got married... if my husband never becomes a christian it's ok.. i still love him... i asked him about islam i try to know more about it... my bible says that Jesus said with love and kindness have i drawn thee... so to be judged like that and say you're going to hell and all of that is uncalled far... love God, trust God, put no other god before him and love him with all of your heart... i pray your strength and congrats on your fiance getting his visa

[zaytoona 8]

Asalaam Alaikom my brothers and sisters,

Ramadan Mubarak to all and I hope your fasting is going well.

I converted in to Islam in September 2005 and by far this was the best decision I have ever made. Alhamdullilah! I met some Muslim friends at work and they taught me a lot about Islam before I converted and from the beginning my my has been upset. I told my mom within a few weeks of converting and she felt heartbroken. True, she does not practice any particular religion but she did take my brother and I to church growing up. My mom gave me comments like "Islam oppresses women", "Muslim men beat their wives and locks them at home", "You will have no future", and so on. This is coming from a woman who has traveled the world and has a few Muslim friends. Sure, Islam is okay, but not work her daughter. Well, I have always been kind of defiant so I basically told my mom "I'm Muslim, it's my choice, and I will never change this for ANYone."

She didn't like that very much but she has gotten better over the years. Every time I would pray she would look at me in disgust because she didn't like that I was wearing a veil. I told her that nuns, orthodox Jews and the Virgin Mary covered up so what's wrong with me doing the same? I also told her "Aren't you glad I'm not addicted to crack and roaming the streets of Hollywood as a prostitute?" She knows my life could be a lot worse and I remind her all the time. She didn't like that I was fasting but I told her to leave me alone and that I was going to fast no matter what. Oh, and every time she sends me an article about an honor killing or some negative propaganda about Islam, I certainly counterattack with the positive article and/or documentary about Islam.

I think what pissed my mom off the most was when I married a Muslim man. She said in one last plea the other day "Why couldn't you have married an AMERICAN Muslim man?" So she went from "Don't be Muslim" to "Don't get married to a Muslim" to "Don't get married to a Muslim man unless he's American". You know, other than the fact that my mom refuses to meet my husband, I think we are making progress here!

Meghan, hang in there and I am very proud you are fasting. If you want to wait until your fiance gets here then it's fine. Only you will know when you're ready.

Zaytoona

P.s. My brother converted to become a Jehovah's Witness last year and so did her sister (living in the same house as her) so I think we are becoming quite the family. I think my mom is occupied with dealing with that right now. She has one Jehovah's Witness as a child and one Muslim. Poor mama doesn't know what to do with herself.....