Ramadan & overbearing WASP family

[mspain 1]

Anybody have a similar story?

My fiance and I have been together for three years now. I was born into a Christian family, but made the decision to practice Islam. Three Ramadans ago, not yet a Muslima, I decided to do Ramadan as much as I could. My family would be mortified if I had told them, but I did mention my fasting to a cousin, and it later got back to my family that I was fasting and it was a scandal, but no one talked about it openly- just behind my back. Last year I was fortunate enough to be living in Granada where my fiance lives and was able to do Ramadan freely. Now I am back in the states awaiting my fiance and practicing Ramadan in my own home. My fiance thinks it is best we do no discuss my practicing Ramadan with my family because of how upset they would get and cause alot of problems for me. However, my mother has been picking at me since the first day of Ramadan to get me to eat, admit I am doing Ramadan, or just bring up the subject of Christianity with me. First of all, she called me up the first day of Ramadan to have dinner (scallops- my favorite) with them at six- I told her I'd be busy till later and might stop by. Then she started asking me what I ate for lunch in the cafeteria at the school where I work and went on about how they ought to have crawfish etoufee, shrimp scampi, baked chicken or whatever at the school. I finally told her I couldnt talk since she refused to change the subject. She called me back ten minutes later saying she was going to stop by my house to bring me some homegrown vegetables and some pastries, and she wanted me to make a pot of coffee. Told her I was going to be out running errands and hung up. She called me a couple of minutes later to say they would have dinner early and that I could run my errands later. Told her sorry, cant.

She knows exactly what she's doing and knows I'm fasting but wants to tempt me. So I never went over to their house and I broke fast at the appropriate time at home. I ignored her call the next day, but called her back Sat. morning. She said she wanted to go to this new store that just opened and did I want to go with her. I told her sure, but we'd leave at 9 cause I had to be back for 11 ( I did not want to get stuck with her at lunch). She shows up at my house at 1030, of course, we both silently know this is on purpose. Anyway we go to the new store, then to the bank. I needed to stop by target to get something, but on the way (she's driving, my mistake, I shouldve driven) she says we ought to go to my favorite cafe and get my favorite salad there. I told her I didnt have time and needed to be back soon cause I had to be at work at 1. So what does she do? Orders it to go. I tell her really, Im not hungry and I'll eat later.

So shes being very obnoxious about it all and waves the food in my face when she gets back in the car. I'm trying not to make too big of a deal but shes really overdoing it. We get back to my place. She starts dishing everything up, I tell her not to get me a plate cause I still have to get ready for work, etc. and I'll eat later. She refuses and almost physically forces me to eat with her. I tell her to stop being childish and pushy and that I'm leaving for work, shell have to eat alone. She says "NO Come back and tell me why you're not eating. Jesus would want you to eat. Come back." I ask her if she knows how to lock up after herself and I leave the house for work.

I call my fiance on the way and tell him the ordeal. He tells me I did right in not eating and that I have to be a little harsh with her so she'll stop. She is seriously pushy!

He tells me I ought to be nice to her next time, but let her know I'm not going to put up with any foolishness. So later when she calls I hesitate to answer, but pick up. She wants to know at 5:30 if I want to eat crabs. I tell her maybe, that I'm taking a nap and I'll let her know later. She asks me if I'm taking a nap because I'm hungry, I tell her I'm taking a nap because I'm tired. She asks me if I will go with her to church tomorrow, I say maybe. She says " that sounds like no to both" and I tell her I'm tired and I'm going back to nap.

I never went to her house or anything so here I am. The big pink elephant in the room. They know, I know, but no one wants to say the R word and I know if someone says it, they will launch a Christian "jihad" on me and will make a huge deal for months about it just like they did when I got engaged "to a Muslim".

I'm pretty much disgusted with their behavior and wish my family would stop the pushiness and the evangelizing. You cant force anyone to do anything even if they are your child.

They same thing happened when I stopped eating pork and drinking alcohol several years ago and they still try to get me to eat/ drink it.

Anyone have any similar stories?

[Donna A 4]

I dont have a similar story but one of the opposite one.

I keep getting things in the mail about fasting and sending money during Ramadan to differnt places. I am not muslim so these mailings mean nothing what so ever to me. How i got on these mailing lists is a mystery to me. My husband is muslim but they dont come in his name. Very strange.

[anxious 0]

Wow thats alot to deal with during a fast. I can understand your hesitation just to answer the phone.

I understand the reaction to just wanna smooth things over, but it doesn't look like

that will work. Maybe you can send an email...something non confrontational to your mom and cc

the rest of the family. Tell them how you feel, tell them there are even Christians that

fast sometimes its not a form of devil worship lol. Be clear that this is a

choice that you have made for your life and not all the scallops and incentives in the world

are deterring your decision. Let them know that it hurts your feelings, and by acting this way

it is pushing you away from them.

My grandmother said when my mom converted it just took time. She was very respectful

of the religion when I was young, but dont know how things were before.

Ramadan Mubarak! And i pray your family accepts your decisions more.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

You had to have known that coming from a christian family its unacceptable to be married to a muslim. Its no surprise that your mom would react this way if she thinks you have converted or thinking to convert.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

added to say: to the OP- its a clash of religious views not cultures

and to anxious- christians fast at different times and at anytime throughout the year usually without letting others know its being done. So to only be doing it around ramadan is like a flag to a christian family.

Edited August 15, 2010 by ~PalmTreeGurl~

[Mithra 1,185]

I agree with this as far as expecting such a reaction. I imagine it's quite a shock for a Christian family when one of their own converts to a religion that is viewed as intolerant, chauvenistic, and in some minds, has ties to terrorism. Not saying that I necessarily believe this (aside from the intolerant part as I view all organized religions as intolerant) but there are a lot of people who do so it's not surprising to get a negative reaction. What I don't understand is the forcing of food on someone who refuses it for whatever reason. As if that will make the person come back to Christ or whatever. I find that it does the opposite and it usually pushes the person to hold on to their new faith because obviously the adherents of their former faith are intolerant and aggressive. I'll never understand this sort of tactic (forcing food or other guilting).

You had to have known that coming from a christian family its unacceptable to be married to a muslim. Its no surprise that your mom would react this way if she thinks you have converted or thinking to convert.

[Ahmed&Rachel 8]

Alhamdulelah sis, it's so good to hear that you are fasting! Ramadan Mubarak! May Allah reward you for your struggles and patience in dealing with your family. Just hang in there, Allah rewards those who are patient and tests those whom he loves.

Some of it is hard to recall but when I first converted I think I was very forthcoming with my intentions soon after I was sure that I wanted to be a Muslim because I felt very strongly about it, although with my dad it was a bit hard to deal with and I think I emailed him about it. At first, when I was looking into Islam I guess because I was so interested by it, it was all I could really talk about to my sisters and my mother so I think they saw it coming. It's hard for me to remember all of the details, but my family did know. I was living with my father at the time and we basically did not talk very much at all, before or after I began looking into Islam so he just ignored me, until I decided to wear hijab and began to pray. He was very angry... Had several arguments with me about how religion is stupid, that god doesn't care what I do, and that He (god) is laughing at me (my dad does not believe in organized religion, but believes in a god that just "watches" us). He told his whole side of the family about it, and of course he told them his own version. He also made sure to tell them that Islam was an evil sort of "cult", sent them emails and website links that spread hate about Islam, said they treated their women like property and that I was an "idiot", a "stupid immature girl" And was going through a fad. He basically slandered my name to his whole side of the family. He told me that I couldn't pray in his house or wear the "stupid scarf" on my head and that I was degrading myself, and that anything pertaining to Islam had to be gotten rid of or at least put in my car so it wasn't in his house, so I moved out the next morning while he was at work. I moved in with my grandparents and continued to practice. My grandma was very upset, she cried some and would argue about Jesus, bring up religion all the time and try to get me to eat pork even by lying and saying there was no pork in her food. Also she'd insist there was nothing wrong with drinking. She still bugs me, and says "You have gorgeous hair, if I were you I'd show it to everybody!". Alhamdulelah though, some people have experienced much worse and have even had physical abuse. I am just glad I am able to practice Islam. Everyone's story is different and so interesting.

Again, May Allah reward you Sis, I am so happy for you.

[Always+Forever 7]

I'm so sorry your are having to deal with all of that. Ramadan would be hard enough with out it. I am not Muslim or Christian for that matter at the moment...I am in the process of figuring out what i believe But I had a similar experience recently with pushing in to religion. I was at my storage unit, talking to the lady there about my fiance, told her he's muslim. So she decided that she needed to "Save Me" from him & from going to hell...lol Funny thing is....I hear the same thing from some muslims, that if i'm not muslim i'm going to hell. So what does a person do....lol Everyone says if you aren't in their religion you will go to hell, so I guess I'm screwed any way u look at it...LOL I still think its funny how one religion critisizes the other for something, but then does the same thing. The choices of God giving us the brain to think & make choices Hope everything works out for you, and never give in to what others think u should be doing...just follow your heart!!

Monica

[mspain 1]

You had to have known that coming from a christian family its unacceptable to be married to a muslim. Its no surprise that your mom would react this way if she thinks you have converted or thinking to convert.

This post is for sharing stories for people with similar experiences, not for ugly comments or advice. I also never mentioned being surprised as this has been going on for more than three years. Thanks for you opinion.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

I agree with this as far as expecting such a reaction. I imagine it's quite a shock for a Christian family when one of their own converts to a religion that is viewed as intolerant, chauvenistic, and in some minds, has ties to terrorism. Not saying that I necessarily believe this (aside from the intolerant part as I view all organized religions as intolerant) but there are a lot of people who do so it's not surprising to get a negative reaction. What I don't understand is the forcing of food on someone who refuses it for whatever reason. As if that will make the person come back to Christ or whatever. I find that it does the opposite and it usually pushes the person to hold on to their new faith because obviously the adherents of their former faith are intolerant and aggressive. I'll never understand this sort of tactic (forcing food or other guilting).

I dont agree with forcing food on some one either, but a mothers reaction to her daughter not eating... who knows what her mother is thinking is going on... maybe her mom is thinking depression, stress or maybe doing it to see if her daughter will be honest about why she acting evasive about not eating. If your not eating for a reason, isnt it better to state it then to have to be dealing with a day of your mom trying to figure out why your not eating?

Edited August 15, 2010 by ~PalmTreeGurl~

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

This post is for sharing stories for people with similar experiences, not for ugly comments or advice. I also never mentioned being surprised as this has been going on for more than three years. Thanks for you opinion.

Its not an ugly comment, my family was put into the same situation by my sister. except my sister is a christian and doesnt do ramadan, she still married a muslim man

Edited August 15, 2010 by ~PalmTreeGurl~

[mspain 1]

My mom knows I am fasting for Ramadan. She just wants me to admit it so the whole family can basically do what they did the first time to me all over again.

[Mithra 1,185]

It's very obvious in the way the mother was behaving that the mother was well aware of why her daughter was not eating and she was being quite childish about it. It seems she already knew that her daughter either had converted or was considering it. I don't blame her mother for being upset or concerned but there are better ways of going about expressing this.

I dont agree with forcing food on some one either, but a mothers reaction to her daughter not eating... who knows what her mother is thinking is going on... maybe her mom is thinking depression, stress or maybe doing it to see if her daughter will be honest about why she acting evasive about not eating. If your not eating for a reason, isnt it better to state it then to have to be dealing with a day of your mom trying to figure out why your not eating?

[Mithra 1,185]

First, unfortunately you can't control what people post on a public forum. Second, I don't see any "ugly" comments in Tamara's post. She's just being honest regaring a Christian family's point of view.

This post is for sharing stories for people with similar experiences, not for ugly comments or advice. I also never mentioned being surprised as this has been going on for more than three years. Thanks for you opinion.

[mspain 1]

My mom has seen me in pictures with the veil and knows that I would wear it when I was living outside the US. She also knows that I have expressed positive opinions about Islam.

Most people are probably wondering why I dont just tell my family already. I am waiting for the opportunity to express my wish to convert to my family, although I said my shahada Ramadan 09. My fiance wants me to wait till he gets here (just had visa approved Aug 12) before we officially tell my family. My fiance is almost always right about the best way to handle a situation and I trust his judgment completely. He also led me to Islam and taught me so much about the way to lead a good life that I did not understand before, so I am choosing to remain silent until he arrives.