Therapist: Porn Can Help Your Relationship

[slim 1,523]

You assume wrong

So you encourage your husband to masturbate to porn? (Or, at minimum, you're OK with it?)

Tis true. I'm sure part of it is an underlying fear that their husband may leave them for someone who looks as good as that. Even stunning celebrities have affairs with other people so it's not like being the most beautiful person on the planet will mean your relationship is affair proof.

This is the big misunderstanding for most women about their man's porn use. As referenced in the article, it's often not about the woman at all.

It's not about having an individual become confident because their partner isn't using porn. Indeed it's about giving that individual some space to address their issues, which they should both for themselves and their marriage.

Why does one's self confidence come from the other's actions? Either you're self confident, or you're not.

Perhaps you are basing your reply on what you think my marriage is like? Maybe that individual will still object to porn even if they are self confident, but that's a different style of marital negotiations. Key word is negotiation

I based my reply on your last post. If they were self confident, they wouldn't feel like their partner was pleasuring themselves to women who were "more attractive" and have a problem with it based on that. They wouldn't have feelings of insecurity about it either. They'd be confident enough to take it for what it was.

I don't believe it's biological but part of how we are conditioned. We will have to agree to disagree because you won't convince me otherwise and I'm pretty sure I won't convince you either.

I won't try to convince you any more but I welcome you to try to convince me.

for a new website!

Amateur porn is already out there.

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

Amateur porn is already out there.

i was thinking a website with just ugly chicks. the kind that are still alone after closing time.

[natty bumppo 293]

i was thinking a website with just ugly chicks. the kind that are still alone after closing time.

always left way before closing time ... so ... which ones were these?

were they even there earlier in the evening?

[KaiserD 12]

So you encourage your husband to masturbate to porn? (Or, at minimum, you're OK with it?)

I'm fine with it, I just want honesty. I really dislike lies and deceit.

This is the big misunderstanding for most women about their man's porn use. As referenced in the article, it's often not about the woman at all.

Yeah. Consider that if women aren't raised (or have desire the same way based on our separate opinions) they might not automatically get the memo on what men who use porn are thinking lol Some of this could be circumvented by sharing, as what the article suggests.

Why does one's self confidence come from the other's actions? Either you're self confident, or you're not.

Right and maybe porn use that offends an individual in a relationship, or refusal to accept it because of their self confidence or not) may make or break a relationship but in a marriage we owe it to help our spouses with whatever problem they have. Out of love, out of health for the marriage. They are the person who must solve their own problems, but antagonizing by doing something one knows is hurting them is not going to help.

If they were self confident, they wouldn't feel like their partner was pleasuring themselves to women who were "more attractive" and have a problem with it based on that. They wouldn't have feelings of insecurity about it either. They'd be confident enough to take it for what it was.

That's fair.

I won't try to convince you any more but I welcome you to try to convince me.

Maybe another day lol

[Amby 490]

my thought on one of slim's comments...I've seen some very ugly women in pornos!

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

my thought on one of slim's comments...I've seen some very ugly women in pornos!

that's usually bukkake though.

[slim 1,523]

Yeah. Consider that if women aren't raised (or have desire the same way based on our separate opinions) they might not automatically get the memo on what men who use porn are thinking lol Some of this could be circumvented by sharing, as what the article suggests.

Absolutely. But, why is the automatic response to be jealous, angry, hurt, and then sad and distrustful?

To me, that sounds more like a personal issue than a relationship issue. Instead of women saying, "hey, I caught you. Ha ha ha." They say, "OMG you wanna bang other women. Something's wrong with you! Wait... soemething's wrong with me. I'm not attractive enough. Wah wah wha.

Do you think that's because of conditioning or a natural response?

in a marriage we owe it to help our spouses with whatever problem they have.

So porn use is a problem?

Or are you referring to "keeping secrets" being a problem?

[Danno 1,228]

for a new website!

Finally one that wives approve of.

[KaiserD 12]

Absolutely. But, why is the automatic response to be jealous, angry, hurt, and then sad and distrustful?

To me, that sounds more like a personal issue than a relationship issue. Instead of women saying, "hey, I caught you. Ha ha ha." They say, "OMG you wanna bang other women. Something's wrong with you! Wait... soemething's wrong with me. I'm not attractive enough. Wah wah wha.

Do you think that's because of conditioning or a natural response?

So porn use is a problem?

Or are you referring to "keeping secrets" being a problem?

I would say that response is automatic because it's about our expectations or understandings on how relationships and/or marriages work. Let's face it, I doubt this would be a problem in polygamy lol

A good part of the consideration is not "he wants to have sex with other women" but "I'm not good enough that he doesn't want to look at other women". Yes, this is still a self esteem thing and that aspect is most definitely conditioning. The wider media makes its $$$ by making women feel self conscious about themselves, it's a message that is constantly put out there. If a woman is subjecting herself to beauty magazines that's one thing, but I *hate* department stores who have XL sizes that are more like an 8. You see even little kids now worrying about their hair and makeup and how they're perceived by others.

As for "the problem", in this instance I was referring to the individual's self esteem. Porn use is only a problem in itself if it is obsessive, that's with anything in life though. If it controls someone rather than someone controlling it and it starts affecting that persons life and relationships that's not a good thing. For example I don't count an alcoholic by how many drinks they have in a day, but by them lying about when they do and covering their tracks such as not going to any local store where they might by seen. By "needing it" at 6:30 in the morning.

Keeping secrets generally does not do well for relationships. I can't claim an answer about how a person should go about introducing this to a new partner but I can offer if I had been willingly informed of it much sooner we could have cut a bunch of unnecessary headaches to get to the place we're at today.

[slim 1,523]

Finally one that wives approve of.

My wife would be p!ssed if she caught me crankin one to that site. "You event not look at beautiful women. You so stranger and creepy guy. What's your problem?"

She found some sites in the history one day and all the girls were "young." Her response, "You like creepy guy and dirty old man. These girls gonna see you and be scared of your old balls. They gonna yellup on you and run away. You so nasty."

So, to keep her happy, I have to look at gorgeous women in their mid-to-late twenties and early 30s. The sacrifices I make for her. Sheesh.

I would say that response is automatic because it's about our expectations or understandings on how relationships and/or marriages work. Let's face it, I doubt this would be a problem in polygamy lol

I've never seen a polygamist with hot wives.

A good part of the consideration is not "he wants to have sex with other women" but "I'm not good enough that he doesn't want to look at other women". Yes, this is still a self esteem thing and that aspect is most definitely conditioning. The wider media makes its $$$ by making women feel self conscious about themselves, it's a message that is constantly put out there. If a woman is subjecting herself to beauty magazines that's one thing,

This is women making women feel bad. It has nothing to do with men. We've been pretty consistent with our desires from the start. Sex, food, sleep, more sex. That's prety much it.

Beauty standards are set by women, not men.

but I *hate* department stores who have XL sizes that are more like an 8. You see even little kids now worrying about their hair and makeup and how they're perceived by others.

Can you give an example of which stores those are? I haven't seen sizes shrinking... quite the opposite, actually. For most places, the S is now 6/8.

As for "the problem", in this instance I was referring to the individual's self esteem. Porn use is only a problem in itself if it is obsessive, that's with anything in life though. If it controls someone rather than someone controlling it and it starts affecting that persons life and relationships that's not a good thing. For example I don't count an alcoholic by how many drinks they have in a day, but by them lying about when they do and covering their tracks such as not going to any local store where they might by seen. By "needing it" at 6:30 in the morning.

Keeping secrets generally does not do well for relationships. I can't claim an answer about how a person should go about introducing this to a new partner but I can offer if I had been willingly informed of it much sooner we could have cut a bunch of unnecessary headaches to get to the place we're at today.

I give my wife a simple choice. "Do you wanna give me some? No? OK, I'm going to jack off now. See ya."

That seems to work pretty well for us. At first though, she couldn't believe that I would DARE to pleasure myself while looking at other women. It wasn't so much a self esteem thing for her, just a slap in the face that I would blatantly go off and do my own thing sexually without waiting for her to be ready. It was like I had no right to do my own thing without her - especially with someone else. She went so far as to mount a picture of herself over the computer so she could always "watch me" and make sure I was behaving myself.

It took quite a while for her to realize I was going to do it whether she liked it or not and once she became accepting of that, it hasn't really been a problem since. I've always "offered" it to her first, but if she's unwilling or unable, she has to accept the fact that it's going to happen... with or without her.

Let that be a lesson ladies - it's a lot easier to accept it and allow it than to outlaw it and worry about what it all means. In the grand scheme of things, it's not really that big of a deal, and it really shouldn't be a taboo subject. Matter of fact, you should be the one to bring it up. Who knows, it could actually HELP some other aspects of your relationship - like secrets and stuff. Honesty and communication have to be about everything, not just dinner table approved conversations. Deepest darkest desires are sometimes necessary to put out there too. Be honest. If you can't talk with your spouse... who can you talk with?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Posts containing link to a pornographic site along with post quoting same removed as TOS violations.

Interestingly, my security software also mentioned that the site is rife with malware so that is a 2nd TOS violation.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Kathryn41