Divorce/remarriage horror stories

[Captain Oates 911]

ok let me kick this one off.

This guy who worked for my ex father in law met a woman of the same age - say mid 40's. She invited him for Sunday lunch. She was an amazing cook and they got on very well. She has a big lump of a slack jawed teenage son but they didn't have that much contact. After 6 months he asked her to marry him.

First weekend after the marriage they sat down for Sunday lunch. All three of em. Amazing beef and Yorkshire pud will all sorts of vegetables.

Then the new wife brought out a plate of biscuits (cookies). There was ONE jammy dodger. Nobody moved then the new husband reached out and took the jammy dodger.

Slack jawed overweight teenage son said " You greedy old #######, I had my eye on that"

It was downhill from there and 18 months later he was single again.

[TBoneTX 45,291]

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? '

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.. I told her that the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started..... .

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...

' I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

' Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, ' Dust.'

And then the fight started...

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. .

She said, ' I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , ' Do you know him?'

' Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

' My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ' When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp, si man.

[Captain Oates 911]

brill

episode 2

A 'friend' of mine got divorced. He showed his divorce letter to a a very attractive younger woman at work. Later that day she said "Do you have a battery charger?". He said yes and she asked if she could come to his apartment that evening and borrow it. She did and went home. She called him and said "I just wanted to let you know I got home ok". Then she said "I bet you are going to the pub - I can't do that coz my boyfriend is in Belgium for 3 weeks on a sales trip".

Skip forward 3 weeks and she was living with him.

They were red hot together.

6 months later they got married and went to Spain on honeymoon.

She came into the bedroom in the morning and said "I want to talk to you about sex". She said " I have only has 2 boyfriends before and it's always been the same. For the first 3 months I am like a bxxch on heat - and then it stops and I could go the rest of my life without sex and not be bothered. So I have decided to wean you off it".

He thought it was so funny and laughed and laughed

Slowly, he realised she wasn't kidding - GOTCHA !!!!

The marriage dragged on for 4 years

[Nagishkaw 510]

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? '

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.. I told her that the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started..... .

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...

' I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

' Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, ' Dust.'

And then the fight started...

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. .

She said, ' I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , ' Do you know him?'

' Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

' My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ' When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp, si man.

Thanks for the laugh! :thumbs: