Sad question we hate to ask

[Tahoma 2,292]

Maybe you could get back to us when you're sober and tell us what happened.

[Rocky_nBullwinkle 6]

Hi guys,

Let's make assumption okay?

I submitted my application for k-1 last week. If while we are in the waiting mode either one of us wants to back-out, how can we do it such that I will not jeopardize her chance for some one else to sponsor her and/or the chance for me sponsoring some one else. See my time line for our current status.

Note: If I did not love or care about her this much, I would not be so worried about jeopardizing her future @ I think you got the picture by now. Most definitely, it is not me who wants to call if off !

Thanks

If she wants to call it off at anytime no problem. She just has to let the embassy know that she no longer wants to continue and return any paper work or visas back to them. They will not prejudice her as long as she keeps them informed, although they may ask her about it if she starts the process over again with you or another victim.

[jrmejia 31]

If she wants to call it off at anytime no problem. She just has to let the embassy know that she no longer wants to continue and return any paper work or visas back to them. They will not prejudice her as long as she keeps them informed, although they may ask her about it if she starts the process over again with you or another victim.

Thanks/salamat.

[Joan >3 Bob 20]

Maybe you are thinking with the Wrong Head?

Spank your Monkey and then think about it again.

[jrmejia 31]

Maybe you are thinking with the Wrong Head?

Spank your Monkey and then think about it again.

[tallcoolone 102]

Maybe you are thinking with the Wrong Head?

Spank your Monkey and then think about it again.

Oh No He didn't

But here is some Visual Aid for you "Monkey Spanker"

[Joan >3 Bob 20]

Hmmmm some people think with what ever head fis the occasion.

Maybe he will run and get some tissue after seeing your reply here

[moonandsun 16]

send a withdrawal letter to USCIS...

I think I messed up. I am now married to a wonderful, loving Filipina. We are waiting on our CR1. Problem is I filed a K-1 with another over a year ago. It didnt work out and I just abandon the petition. After reading these post, im thinking I should have sent a letter to USCIS. How bad will this be?

[marklovetina 52]

I think I messed up. I am now married to a wonderful, loving Filipina. We are waiting on our CR1. Problem is I filed a K-1 with another over a year ago. It didnt work out and I just abandon the petition. After reading these post, im thinking I should have sent a letter to USCIS. How bad will this be?

uhmm depends on how far ur k1 goes... if it was approved and reached in the US embassy then u send a withdrawal letter in the embassy...

might affect ur cr1 petition...

[jrmejia 31]

Oh No He didn't

But here is some Visual Aid for you "Monkey Spanker"

Guys please.....remember i am still alone! hehehehe

[rlogan 2,036]

I am trying to describe an event that it is taking place somewhere out-there. "Crapy", I can write or describe it any way I want. It is my story: If you don't think moving a truck is painful enough, go and check your heart. You need serious help.

"How to move a truck"

I joined the gym and doing some weight lifting. So I said to myself this time I will try to push the truck as hard as I can to get it going. I saw other people doing it and it worked why not me?

So I tried again to push it and could not moved it. Hmm!!! strange!. I am feeling "tears" dropping off because I am using a lot of strength to get it going. So I stopped for a moment and relaxed a bit. Then listened to some love songs while holding a light Heineken on my hand.

Suddenly, the answer arrived to the question why the truck wasn't moving at all. It was so simple. She never moved the truck's gear to neutral . She has it in PARKED all this time!!!!!!!! how blind was I? I was supposed to check myself. But I did not. . I did not think it was necessary.

Anyway, time is running out with my gym subscription. I am planning to cancel it. No matter how strong I get, if you do not move the gear to NEUTRAL, I will never ever move truck. The truck itself is very heavy to move but if you don't put it in gear, it is more difficult for me to get it going.

Don't tell me I did not try to push it.

Alright. It's a cry for help. It's in a metaphor though and the problem with metaphors is that the people not party to the metaphor have to do guesswork, which seriously handicaps their ability to understand and help.

If we could cut to the core here I think what you are saying is that one person in a relationship can struggle their hardest, working themselves to death, and yet all kinds of things still go wrong. You get nowhere.

Other couples have relationships where it does not seem they are working very hard at all by comparison to you, and yet things are going wonderfully for them. When both people are trying, neither one has to work very hard. You have to work, yes. But without the other person trying then no amount of work alone will do it.

The woman in your life has not shifted out of park. She isn't contributing in a way that allows for progress. It's really simple math here, jrmejia - if you are not happy, then you are in the wrong relationship. You can work like Hercules but unless your partner is genuinely committed to making you happy, you will be miserable.

The sad thing is that it doesn't take very much effort to make a person like you happy. The smallest gesture can launch you into a giddy, beaming lighthouse of happiness.

So it is all the more painful that such tiny morsels of effort on her part have caused you to spend so much energy on this immigration journey. Gosh, she would have to do so little to make you happy and this relationship work. But she doesn't.

The science of manipulation is fascinating. All she has to do is enough effort to get what she wants out of you, and not one ounce more. Why should she try harder than that? Making you happy is not what she is all about. It's getting what she wants.

Since the tiniest, microscopic efforts on her part gets her what she wants, then why work harder than that?

So if you start to think of this like a manipulative person would, then you have to counter-manipulate. So for example you withhold submission of some document until she does something specific you want. A manipulator understands choices like that, when they undrerstand the threat of losing what they want is real.

But you don't have that within you. We do things for people because we know it will make them happy, not because we are trying to manipulate them. If a person is driven to even contemplate having to live a life of manipulation with their spouse, then that is not a loving relationship. That is a war.

Just about everyone told you to trust your gut instincts. You didn't listen for two reasons. First, you want really badly for this to work. But second, you are with a person who is actively manipulating you. She knows what works and she's pushing those buttons, possibly with the help of family and friends, and they have been very successful on you.

You are in for a lot worse. When the going gets tough, a skilled manipulator can pull out all the stops and shower you with affection and flattery. You'll think that finally she has changed. It will be a mystery to you that these things are correlated with the wedding, the Adjustment of Status, and in short all the things she needs for successful immigration.

Then the green card comes in the mail. Lo and behold, she has a change of heart. She no longer loves you. It is a huge surprise to everyone at VisaJourney, having never seen a story like that before. Everyone is completely baffled. Not!

[sunandmoon 450]

Don't tell me I did not try to push it.

I don't think anybody here will tell you that...

just do whatever is best for you. best of luck with whatever path you take..

[jrmejia 31]

Alright. It's a cry for help. It's in a metaphor though and the problem with metaphors is that the people not party to the metaphor have to do guesswork, which seriously handicaps their ability to understand and help.

If we could cut to the core here I think what you are saying is that one person in a relationship can struggle their hardest, working themselves to death, and yet all kinds of things still go wrong. You get nowhere.

Other couples have relationships where it does not seem they are working very hard at all by comparison to you, and yet things are going wonderfully for them. When both people are trying, neither one has to work very hard. You have to work, yes. But without the other person trying then no amount of work alone will do it.

The woman in your life has not shifted out of park. She isn't contributing in a way that allows for progress. It's really simple math here, jrmejia - if you are not happy, then you are in the wrong relationship. You can work like Hercules but unless your partner is genuinely committed to making you happy, you will be miserable.

The sad thing is that it doesn't take very much effort to make a person like you happy. The smallest gesture can launch you into a giddy, beaming lighthouse of happiness.

So it is all the more painful that such tiny morsels of effort on her part have caused you to spend so much energy on this immigration journey. Gosh, she would have to do so little to make you happy and this relationship work. But she doesn't.

The science of manipulation is fascinating. All she has to do is enough effort to get what she wants out of you, and not one ounce more. Why should she try harder than that? Making you happy is not what she is all about. It's getting what she wants.

Since the tiniest, microscopic efforts on her part gets her what she wants, then why work harder than that?

So if you start to think of this like a manipulative person would, then you have to counter-manipulate. So for example you withhold submission of some document until she does something specific you want. A manipulator understands choices like that, when they undrerstand the threat of losing what they want is real.

But you don't have that within you. We do things for people because we know it will make them happy, not because we are trying to manipulate them. If a person is driven to even contemplate having to live a life of manipulation with their spouse, then that is not a loving relationship. That is a war.

Just about everyone told you to trust your gut instincts. You didn't listen for two reasons. First, you want really badly for this to work. But second, you are with a person who is actively manipulating you. She knows what works and she's pushing those buttons, possibly with the help of family and friends, and they have been very successful on you.

You are in for a lot worse. When the going gets tough, a skilled manipulator can pull out all the stops and shower you with affection and flattery. You'll think that finally she has changed. It will be a mystery to you that these things are correlated with the wedding, the Adjustment of Status, and in short all the things she needs for successful immigration.

Then the green card comes in the mail. Lo and behold, she has a change of heart. She no longer loves you. It is a huge surprise to everyone at VisaJourney, having never seen a story like that before. Everyone is completely baffled. Not!

Speechless....some one actually hits the nail on the head. Some thought I was drunk other suggested me to spank the monkey (actually it was funny thanks for the laugh . )

If have to write my story all I need to do is cut and paste what you said no more no less.

Back to her, always the same thing. Some times she leaves me in the dark, gives me the 1 hr mute treatment, then comes back to me. What do I do? I tell her it was my fault. I blame myself for things I know it is not my fault. I don't know how she does it? Then she says that I am not sweet and I don't know how to love her. What do I do? I do my best to make her happy again. But Deep inside I know I done nothing wrong...

[rlogan 2,036]

Speechless....some one actually hits the nail on the head. Some thought I was drunk other suggested me to spank the monkey (actually it was funny thanks for the laugh . )

If have to write my story all I need to do is cut and paste what you said no more no less.

Back to her, always the same thing. Some times she leaves me in the dark, gives me the 1 hr mute treatment, then comes back to me. What do I do? I tell her it was my fault. I blame myself for things I know it is not my fault. I don't know how she does it? Then she says that I am not sweet and I don't know how to love her. What do I do? I do my best to make her happy again. But Deep inside I know I done nothing wrong...

Generally the timeline for a manipulator is that they learned it in childhood - from one or both parents, siblings, or a lot of it learning by experience from having been abused.

All their lives they practice on everyone, but they also target certain people to interact with because of their ease to manipulate. That is why I sent you the material by PM about yourself. Understanding manipulative people gives you a lot of insight into who they target.

By the time she met you she had hundreds of people and a couple of decades experience of practice. You have manipulated no-one and are an easy mark. You don't stand a chance.

Their method of interaction has nothing to do with morality, conscientiousness, empathy, or feelings. They are more like machines than humans.

Her approach to you is better viewed as a war, not love. Every interaction is a battle. Every play she makes is a tactic. Crying, anger, pouting, flirting - everything is just a battle tactic. Winning is everything. They'll stop at nothing to win.

The first phase of interaction with you is referred to as their "evaluation phase". They try various things on you to see what works. They put together different arsenals for different kinds of people. One might be succeptible to attacks on their manhood while another is more succeptible to accusations he is greedy, etc.

You mentioned she leaves you in the dark, gives the silent treatment, and accuses you of not being sweet; not knowing how to love her. Every one of those is manipulative, and she's using them because they work. You are kicking yourself for allowing it, but it's still going to work on you every time because those are your personal weaknesses.

By previous practice and through the evaluation phase with you, whole sequences of "moves" have been put into an ammunition belt. She can fire off ten rounds rat-a-tat-tat and quickly have you on the run emotionally every time. You are always at least three steps behind.

I was living with a master manipulator and it was uncanny how he got the best of me every time. By writing down what he said to me I realized he had the same set of seven or more basic moves he used to avoid any important discussion I tried to initiate. His underlying strategy was to get me angry so that my anger became the issue. The tension level was always extremely high as a consequence of trying to force discussion of anything with him, and if you managed to keep your cool enough he would be stomping off out the door himself yelling about how unreasonable you were. But never, never, never did he allow your point to be discussed. The only thing you got were his pre-programmed lines and escalating drama.

All were deeply personal insults: you are immature, stupid, selfish, unreasonable, irrational, hypocritical, immoral, etc. but delivered with such cunning and poise that it worked on me every time. Once I was angry he'd point to that and say "just look at yourself", smiling with smug satisfaction. He'd have me apologizing to him. He would not say "you're stupid" directly you know - but instead he'd be patting me on the back saying "I thought you were smarter than that", with a pretence of concern that I was off my game. An insult disguised as a compliment.

Once I wrote down the list it was enormously liberating. I put the list in front of him the next time I tried to raise the same subject he was relentless in avoiding. Every one of his responses came straight from the list. I was laughing hysterically at one point because he became this pathetic machine, with no other capability than repeating this list of insults. It had always worked for him in the past, and now I had his number.

His eyes got big, the fear and trembling took ahold, and now he was no longer in control by pushing my buttons. Yet he could not help himself and kept calling me immature, stupid, selfish, etc. I had him cornered. The last words this person ever spoke to me were "Don't...Talk...to...me", and I saw in his eyes a rage - a deep black pit of hate that was frightening to behold. Underneath this phony mask of glib light-heartedness was a seething, boiling pit of rage.

I had by that time read three books in rapid succession on manipulative people, specifically to deal with him. I had read other material before that too, but this set had him nailed. What those books told me was that I had to decide whether I wanted this person in my life or not, because dealing with him would take tremendous, continuous effort. So at that moment what I was doing was forcing him to see I was through being manipulated and that he had to admit to what he was doing and agree to change his behavior or else thirty years of friendship was over. He could either change or be kicked out of my life.

That's what you are facing. You will lose every single skirmish with this woman 100-0. She will fight to the death rather than lose any individual battle. You just watch now. Once you try to call it off you are going to have everything thrown at you. One moment she is calling you stupid, ugly, and immature and the next moment you are the most intelligent, handsom, and mature man she has ever met. You are the best thing that ever happened to her, she would rather die than lose you, yadda yadda yadda.

You will make the mistake of not just saying "goodbye, it's over, don't call or write". Instead you are going to roll out the carpet for her to manipulate you, and you'll hear all the things you want to hear so you might just as well stab yourself in the eye with a fire-iron. The ensuing damage will have been self-inflicted.

Virtually everyone told you the minute you expressed your gut feelings about this woman to call it off. You didn't.

Absolutely, they're right. But more importantly there is something you have to change about yourself. You have to admit that you have a personality that is too easily manipulated. You have to commit yourself to fixing that personal defect. Even if you manage to extricate yourself from this tar pit, you'll be right back in another one, especially if you do the foreign bride thing. There's just too many out there trolling for a green card that will make mincemeat out of you.

[jrmejia 31]

Generally the timeline for a manipulator is that they learned it in childhood - from one or both parents, siblings, or a lot of it learning by experience from having been abused.

All their lives they practice on everyone, but they also target certain people to interact with because of their ease to manipulate. That is why I sent you the material by PM about yourself. Understanding manipulative people gives you a lot of insight into who they target.

By the time she met you she had hundreds of people and a couple of decades experience of practice. You have manipulated no-one and are an easy mark. You don't stand a chance.

Their method of interaction has nothing to do with morality, conscientiousness, empathy, or feelings. They are more like machines than humans.

Her approach to you is better viewed as a war, not love. Every interaction is a battle. Every play she makes is a tactic. Crying, anger, pouting, flirting - everything is just a battle tactic. Winning is everything. They'll stop at nothing to win.

The first phase of interaction with you is referred to as their "evaluation phase". They try various things on you to see what works. They put together different arsenals for different kinds of people. One might be succeptible to attacks on their manhood while another is more succeptible to accusations he is greedy, etc.

You mentioned she leaves you in the dark, gives the silent treatment, and accuses you of not being sweet; not knowing how to love her. Every one of those is manipulative, and she's using them because they work. You are kicking yourself for allowing it, but it's still going to work on you every time because those are your personal weaknesses.

By previous practice and through the evaluation phase with you, whole sequences of "moves" have been put into an ammunition belt. She can fire off ten rounds rat-a-tat-tat and quickly have you on the run emotionally every time. You are always at least three steps behind.

I was living with a master manipulator and it was uncanny how he got the best of me every time. By writing down what he said to me I realized he had the same set of seven or more basic moves he used to avoid any important discussion I tried to initiate. His underlying strategy was to get me angry so that my anger became the issue. The tension level was always extremely high as a consequence of trying to force discussion of anything with him, and if you managed to keep your cool enough he would be stomping off out the door himself yelling about how unreasonable you were. But never, never, never did he allow your point to be discussed. The only thing you got were his pre-programmed lines and escalating drama.

All were deeply personal insults: you are immature, stupid, selfish, unreasonable, irrational, hypocritical, immoral, etc. but delivered with such cunning and poise that it worked on me every time. Once I was angry he'd point to that and say "just look at yourself", smiling with smug satisfaction. He'd have me apologizing to him. He would not say "you're stupid" directly you know - but instead he'd be patting me on the back saying "I thought you were smarter than that", with a pretence of concern that I was off my game. An insult disguised as a compliment.

Once I wrote down the list it was enormously liberating. I put the list in front of him the next time I tried to raise the same subject he was relentless in avoiding. Every one of his responses came straight from the list. I was laughing hysterically at one point because he became this pathetic machine, with no other capability than repeating this list of insults. It had always worked for him in the past, and now I had his number.

His eyes got big, the fear and trembling took ahold, and now he was no longer in control by pushing my buttons. Yet he could not help himself and kept calling me immature, stupid, selfish, etc. I had him cornered. The last words this person ever spoke to me were "Don't...Talk...to...me", and I saw in his eyes a rage - a deep black pit of hate that was frightening to behold. Underneath this phony mask of glib light-heartedness was a seething, boiling pit of rage.

I had by that time read three books in rapid succession on manipulative people, specifically to deal with him. I had read other material before that too, but this set had him nailed. What those books told me was that I had to decide whether I wanted this person in my life or not, because dealing with him would take tremendous, continuous effort. So at that moment what I was doing was forcing him to see I was through being manipulated and that he had to admit to what he was doing and agree to change his behavior or else thirty years of friendship was over. He could either change or be kicked out of my life.

That's what you are facing. You will lose every single skirmish with this woman 100-0. She will fight to the death rather than lose any individual battle. You just watch now. Once you try to call it off you are going to have everything thrown at you. One moment she is calling you stupid, ugly, and immature and the next moment you are the most intelligent, handsom, and mature man she has ever met. You are the best thing that ever happened to her, she would rather die than lose you, yadda yadda yadda.

You will make the mistake of not just saying "goodbye, it's over, don't call or write". Instead you are going to roll out the carpet for her to manipulate you, and you'll hear all the things you want to hear so you might just as well stab yourself in the eye with a fire-iron. The ensuing damage will have been self-inflicted.

Virtually everyone told you the minute you expressed your gut feelings about this woman to call it off. You didn't.

Absolutely, they're right. But more importantly there is something you have to change about yourself. You have to admit that you have a personality that is too easily manipulated. You have to commit yourself to fixing that personal defect. Even if you manage to extricate yourself from this tar pit, you'll be right back in another one, especially if you do the foreign bride thing. There's just too many out there trolling for a green card that will make mincemeat out of you.

I read and understood very well. I thank you for taking your time and writing on this subject. I think many of us can learn from your post. Specially those related to relationship problems. I am going to try one tactic today to see how she reacts. Actually, I have three in minds.

A good day for you and the rest of the team.