Leaving the past behind

[LifenLaLaland 0]

It's been quite a while since I posted but I have a question.

Background:

I moved to the US from Canada in March 2005 and it has been a long journey to say the least. My husband is the the US citizen and he had moved to Canada in 2003 (as my fiance) but due to a variety of circumstances we decided to move to the US which required us to live with my in-laws for a year while we re-started our careers and established ourselves.

So here we are over a year later essentially living the American dream. We both have jobs, cars and own a home and it has taken a lot of blood sweat and tears to arrive here. Frankly there were times that neither of us thought we'd make it (living with the in-laws took a huge toll on us)

During this past year I have lost contact with most of my old friends from Canada for several reasons. Certainly, lack of privacy made it virtually impossible to take phone calls while at my in-laws but during the few times I did make phone calls to the old friends I found it difficult to even begin to share what was/is going on in my life with them.

Now that we've finally reached this point (and believe me we still have many challenges to face) it feels like so many of the milestones have been passed without my old friends that there's no point in renewing the friendships. Almost like, 'you had to be there, but since you weren't it's too long a story to share'

Is anyone else experiencing this?

Thanks,

Julie

[JenT 0]

True friends, like true love, stand the test of time. Only you can decide whether it's worth the energy to renew your old friendships but remember, to have a friend means that you have to first be a friend. They may be feeling equally 'abandoned' by your having left and not remained in contact.

Sometimes, beginning a new life means the severing of old ties. It just depends.

My best friend throughout HS chose a different path than I did upon graduation... several marriages, abortions, and unstable jobs. We had a difficult time relating to each other and pretty much ended contact. Her daughter developed brain cancer, and subsequently died from it a few years ago. That brought us back together again, but it will never be the same. Our communication now is very superficial and sporadic... basically enough to remain in contact.

I choose to invest my time and energy surrounding myself with people who genuine and faithful... who really care about matters of the heart, my children, and things that are going on in my life. And I am equally invested with them... it is a small circle, among a larger circle of friends who don't necessarily know all of the details of my life, but who are equally supportive and caring.

I'm very blessed to have a wonderful circle of friends... I consider them my extended family and treat them as such. With the passage of time, friends come and go... it's a natural part of life. Don't be hard on yourself for not remaining in contact. Just decide if it's worth re-investing the enery to get them 'caught up', or whether it's best to start over again in that aspect of your life as well.

Jen

[jen&darcy 0]

True friends, like true love, stand the test of time. Only you can decide whether it's worth the energy to renew your old friendships but remember, to have a friend means that you have to first be a friend. They may be feeling equally 'abandoned' by your having left and not remained in contact.

Sometimes, beginning a new life means the severing of old ties. It just depends.

My best friend throughout HS chose a different path than I did upon graduation... several marriages, abortions, and unstable jobs. We had a difficult time relating to each other and pretty much ended contact. Her daughter developed brain cancer, and subsequently died from it a few years ago. That brought us back together again, but it will never be the same. Our communication now is very superficial and sporadic... basically enough to remain in contact.

I choose to invest my time and energy surrounding myself with people who genuine and faithful... who really care about matters of the heart, my children, and things that are going on in my life. And I am equally invested with them... it is a small circle, among a larger circle of friends who don't necessarily know all of the details of my life, but who are equally supportive and caring.

I'm very blessed to have a wonderful circle of friends... I consider them my extended family and treat them as such. With the passage of time, friends come and go... it's a natural part of life. Don't be hard on yourself for not remaining in contact. Just decide if it's worth re-investing the enery to get them 'caught up', or whether it's best to start over again in that aspect of your life as well.

Jen

Very well said. I haven't gone through this in particular because I am the USC but I have gone through a divorce. I lost some friends in the process. Ones that didn't understand or sided with the ex. I have begun to make new friends. I feel its best to leave the other ones behind that couldn't get pass that I was getting a divorce or stand by me through the whole thing.

Good luck!

Jen

[anya-D 8]

For me I always a friends who is always there.. I dont like to talk that much so where ever I am it' would always be the same with my friends.. My best friends know that I'll alwasy be there eventhough we havnt talk for months and vise versa... It's depends on what type of relationship you have with your friends.

[JenT 0]

Very well said. I haven't gone through this in particular because I am the USC but I have gone through a divorce. I lost some friends in the process. Ones that didn't understand or sided with the ex. I have begun to make new friends. I feel its best to leave the other ones behind that couldn't get pass that I was getting a divorce or stand by me through the whole thing.

Good luck!

Jen

We have more in common than our first names... I lost friends after my divorce too... hypocrites in my church community, mostly. Glad to be rid of them. There were others who had trouble relating to my life as a single mother... as much as they tried, we drifted away. That's fine too... life goes on. Those who were true friends remain so today.

Jen

[moondancer627 0]

well you can always try to reestablish some of the old friendships, I know I have people I know I don't know if I consider them friends, but yeah, people I feel friendly toward even though we don't see or talk or write for years, once in a while I get a call out of the blue or an email.

It makes you feel good to get a call or email from someone long ago, catch up on old times, review the present and then maybe it's another year or so until you talk again.

I google old friends and email, they email back and then I say "So long for another couple years.

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

A friend comes into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.

Also I always feel the test of a real friend is if you don't speak for weeks, months or even years, you can pick up where you left off and still click.

Helen

[amarceau 0]

True friendship will stand the test of anything. I'm in the process of immigrating to the US. I know I have a few close friends that have expressed their concern to me that we will "lose touch". I know in my heart that we won't because we are all such good friends and have been for a long time. We've supported each other through thick and thin and will continue to do so regardless of distance.

I personally think you should always do your utmost to keep in contact with friends. True friends will always be there when you need them.

[KarenCee 3]

Very well said. I haven't gone through this in particular because I am the USC but I have gone through a divorce. I lost some friends in the process. Ones that didn't understand or sided with the ex. I have begun to make new friends. I feel its best to leave the other ones behind that couldn't get pass that I was getting a divorce or stand by me through the whole thing.

Good luck!

Jen

We have more in common than our first names... I lost friends after my divorce too... hypocrites in my church community, mostly. Glad to be rid of them. There were others who had trouble relating to my life as a single mother... as much as they tried, we drifted away. That's fine too... life goes on. Those who were true friends remain so today.

Jen

This also sounds so familiar too. Most of my "friends" abandoned me when I got divorced. Mostly the ones from the "church" I attended, and had been a member of for such a long time. Being a single mom seemed to also have an alienating effect on many of them too. In my opinion, it was just a sorry excuse for removing me from their perfect lives. After all, they couldn't allow a divorced/single mom become an influence on them (one "friend" actually said this).

I have new friends now, friends who love me for me and the fact that I'm divorced and remarried matters not to them. I also have the most incredible man as my husband...who, incidentally, has become my best friend.

[ceriserose 1]

A friend comes into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.

Also I always feel the test of a real friend is if you don't speak for weeks, months or even years, you can pick up where you left off and still click.

Helen

This is exactly how my 20+ year friendships are. I do my best to explain this to people who are good friends up front, that way if I can't (for whatever reason) keep in touch every week that there's no hard feelings.

I've been feeling in very much the same place as you, Julie, over other friendships since I've moved. I have had many friendships over the years where we just grew apart; a lot of the time the friendships filled a particular social need for one or both of us and when that need wasn't as prevalent, the friendship didn't last through the changed dynamic.

I think a lot of people can't relate. Part of me is sad at the natural 'ending' but part of me knows that that's also pretty normal.

[ual777 0]

I have found that most friendships fade and the few true ones really last.

[LifenLaLaland 0]

Thanks for your responses ladies. Several of you brought up a point that I think perhaps added to this current situation I find myself in.

I was previously married and I think for those of us who have been divorced we've seen that old divided loyalties thing. It didn't help that a) I was very close to my ex's family and slowly but surely those friendship have fizzled out particularly when ex-remarried B) the majority of my friends are/were married with children and I don't have kids and c) no sooner did my husband move to Canada when we decided to reconsider the move and relocate in the US (it almost seemed that some of the friends felt I was betraying them for 'A MAN' shhheesh)

Couple that with having been virtually bedridden for the last 4 months and 1 day (who's counting ) with a badly broken leg and I think I have far too much time on my hands. This too shall pass!!!

Thanks again J