Anyone feel like they've made a huge mistake?

[OBX 51]

The wonderful thing about this thread, if there can be something wonderful about this topic, is finding that so many of us feel the same. We're all facing somewhat similar feelings and struggles. It feels very uniting.

*hugs all around*

Very true ashen. This thread resonates with so many of us and there definitely is comfort in that.

[Tick Tock 3]

Just posting to say that I too share feelings expressed in this thread regarding being a fish out of water.

I do not feel comfortable to speak my heart on the issue, but I will say...

I had no career before I came here. I was only starting to discover who I was. I had one close friend.

I still have no career - not even employment. I have lost much of myself; muted, starved, forgotten. I have no close friends here and a thinning tie to the one back home.

You are not alone, Galateia.

Big hugs to everyone here. TGFJV.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

I had no idea so many of you are having such a hard time. If anyone ever needs to vent I've been told I'm a good listener Sorry to hear all these stories. Life sure is hard sometimes.

[SuperDuper! 230]

I think you would greatly benefit from seeing a personal therapist and probably a couple's therapist as well.

Cluster B. Good luck!

[Kukolka 8]

I urge you to talk to your spouses about how you are feeling. If they don't know they can't help you make it better. Sure they can't pull a perfect job and all your best friends next door out of a hat but at least put it out there.

All I can say though after reading all your valuable words though is to please just speak with your partners about what you are feeling. You need to communicate these details. Out of respect for yourself, your partner and your relationship. No matter what they will always be by your side and I am sure will do anything possible to help lessen the burden.

Wise words. About any issue, communication is *extremely* important. I cannot stress this enough. A partner who doesn't know about a problem *cannot* help. Communication can avert potential disaster, or start you on the road to mending what's already taken place.

[shawna7 4]

wow... reading this thread has given me such mixed emotions. I feel so very sad for those who are suffering, I have been there over the past 21/2 years, felt all these same things so deeply at times its paralyzing.

For me it comes and goes, sometimes its just flickers of the things I have lost or left behind and there have been days where getting out of bed was impossible.

When we decided I would be the one to immigrate I made that decision with my eyes wide open, I THOUGHT I knew what to expect, I thought I had prepared well, I thought I was ready to change my life utterly and completely. In many ways I was, but one can never be fully prepared when you actually have no idea whats coming..lol

I have a tendancy to babble I don't really want to tell my story but there are ways to find your way through but you have to dig deep within yourself to find them.

My life here is very different that my old one but I am learning to embrace it.

We(my husband and I) opened a business almost a year ago(my dream) so that keeps me very busy...and I go home to Toronto every 6-8 weeks (sometimes I wonder if this stops me from completly immersing myself in the US... but I wouldn't give those trips up for anything!)

It is comforting to know that we have each other here on VJ ..It really does make us feel less alone

TimandJoyce- I live in Charleston...anytime you want to get together and talk Canadian I have a tin of timmys coffee in the freezer!

[Gemmie 142]

To the person that said if their friends back home could hear what a hard time they were having, and would think they're a loser: I feel that way too. They think I'm the lucky one, having this big adventure moving to another country and setting up a new life. But the reality of it is hard. I don't have a life here, and whenever I talk to them it reinforces it. I've seen their problems come and go within a few weeks, and mine has stuck. Facebook can be an evil at times, seeing everyone move house, advance in their career, getting pregnant.

I can't drive back to my country, even in 6-8 hours, which I would love! I've only been back for a week in the past 14 months and I miss it so much. I talk to my husband about this all the time, to the point where he gets tired of hearing it because there's nothing he can do. He gets home from a stressful day at work and listens to me whine about how I've been stuck in all week and haven't spoken to a living soul outside of this house, and there have been times where I've screamed at him for not letting me just go back to the UK. It must be awful for him to see me like this. Once I'm feeling better, I let him know that I could never leave him, but sometimes the only bit of control I have is the ability to say "I'm turning back". What else is there to do, when you can't move forward?

Like everyone else, it comes and goes. Yesterday I had a productive day, filing applications for different PhD courses, writing a checklist of what was needed, applying to a few jobs online, and then even going to the police station and filling out an application in person. But today I'm on empty, and my mind wanders to all the 'what if' situations, what if I'm stuck here for another Christmas, what if no job accepts me for being out of employment for so long, what if by the time we get to start a family, we can't have one, what if, what if. I'm only 23 years old, but compared to the ones who feel they're much older, I feel I'm only 16 years old - starting out again, learning how to do adult things, trying to get some independence.

Hugs to all of you. Everyone going through is is incredibly brave and resilient, and if I could, I would buy you all cups of tea so we could all have a good vent and then do something fun together to take our minds from it.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Wise words. About any issue, communication is *extremely* important. I cannot stress this enough. A partner who doesn't know about a problem *cannot* help. Communication can avert potential disaster, or start you on the road to mending what's already taken place.

And to add to that - my husband and I communicate well - it's our 2nd marriage for both of us so we like to think we're pretty prepared...and we are. But.........

But throw immigration into the mix of a new marriage and moving and OMG - you have other issues you never imagined. Despite being very effective comunicators, we have faultered along the way...him understanding my feelings, me expressing them properly so i feel validated etc.

After almost 3 yrs the clouds are indeed lifting for me and for us. I've had bright moments along the way, with some dark ones thrown in. As some here will know, my daughter (now 18) had issues adjusting...probably akin to what we all have experienced and it made life even more complicated.

Keeping yourself busy with something that makes you happy (and I don;t mean work...not for everyone) is really something that works naturally as a de-stressor and helps one to be validated.

[TimandJoyce 1]

Wise words. About any issue, communication is *extremely* important. I cannot stress this enough. A partner who doesn't know about a problem *cannot* help. Communication can avert potential disaster, or start you on the road to mending what's already taken place.

And to add to that - my husband and I communicate well - it's our 2nd marriage for both of us so we like to think we're pretty prepared...and we are. But.........

But throw immigration into the mix of a new marriage and moving and OMG - you have other issues you never imagined. Despite being very effective comunicators, we have faultered along the way...him understanding my feelings, me expressing them properly so i feel validated etc.

After almost 3 yrs the clouds are indeed lifting for me and for us. I've had bright moments along the way, with some dark ones thrown in. As some here will know, my daughter (now 18) had issues adjusting...probably akin to what we all have experienced and it made life even more complicated.

Keeping yourself busy with something that makes you happy (and I don;t mean work...not for everyone) is really something that works naturally as a

de-stressor and helps one to be validated.

So true! I agree with both that communication is important. But what you said Udella&Wiz: Throw immigration and moving...to a new country, nonetheless...and it becomes different. Men want to "fix" things for their wives. That's just their human nature, and I love them for that. It's sweet. They want the love of their life to be happy, what ever it takes. But....this is something they can't "fix" The new laws, the new ways of life, the new rules...everything. It becomes so overwhelming. And if someone happens to move to a place where they know very few people!? Sometimes, it seems easier to just shut yourself in a box and ask everyone, including your spouse, to leave you alone! *yes, I know that's not right..but that's how you can feel*. I've moved to the South, and although I find they are the sweetest people; so polite, so friendly, etc. just some things that I have been told, "the Southern way to do things"...is not how I did things back home, and it makes it even MORE overwhelming here for me. So I also think that no matter how "prepared" you are for moving etc, depending on where you move to, can make for quite the culture shock. Perhaps had I stayed near the West Coast, like Washington, or Oregon, it might have been a lot more similar to home. I'll never know though...I moved to the South. ( I WILL learn to love it like home though)

TimandJoyce- I live in Charleston...anytime you want to get together and talk Canadian I have a tin of timmys coffee in the freezer!

You're so sweet!! *shakes hand* I love Charleston and kinda wish I lived there. Probably because so close to the water...I really miss that. We haven't been there in a while but maybe the next time we are, I'll send you a PM and maybe we all can meet

[shawna7 4]

Keeping yourself busy with something that makes you happy (and I don;t mean work...not for everyone) is really something that works naturally as a de-stressor and helps one to be validated.

So true Udella, finding something you love helps immensely! It helps to keep you sane along the way.

I have a daughter 18 as well who adjusting was very difficult(so much so she went back to stay with her Dad for a few months but from that learned the old saying **you can never go home**)When she came back she is settling better... Things change and something we should all try and remember as well..Going back things would be so very different..sigh..

Today is a new day.. as is tomorrow..and today happens to be a good one for me(even though its 115 degrees with the humidex )

Timandjoyce- anytime you're near by I'm here for ya!(I saw your local office is Charleston so I thought you were near by..lol and girl I hear you on the Southern way Everyone is very sweet..yet I somehow I often feel like a total outsider...but I have made some friends from the north(new york jersey and such...and we have a little more in common

[Wishing 1]

This thread is just such a great meeting point for a such a complicated process this quasi cultural line that divides US and Canada. I've always thought that life is full of change and change forces us to adjust and change/adjustment is all part of grief. Well life is grief to some degree. We are grieving all the losses of our previous life...yet so many are not able to find new things to hold onto being the job markets are down, economy is bad etc. etc.

Some of my worst fears about moving to the US are in this thread...and I hope I am ready for the change!! On the up side I am in a very in demand field (health care) and worked in the US last year for 6 months so have a good indication that a job is around the corner once AOS is done with. My fiance and I have both lived in Canada and the US and so we are familiar with the slight (or well lets face it major!) cultural differences that exist.

I've always held a belief that my roots are in a pot. Here in Canada I moved around a lot growing up and so never really felt connected to one thing or place. I hope this helps me in moving state-side!

I reach out to all of those sturggling...communication is so important. As people have pointed out talk about this with your partner. Breakdown in communication is the splinter that can have so many negative effects of a relationship. So talk to them about your struggles. Keep expressing your frustrations (share them with others like we are here) don't keep them inside.

*hugs*

[Flames9_RN 358]

First of all--My wife means everything,lol But yes at Times I miss my former job in the Air Force!! At that tiem one had to be in the Forces to get it, and it was a desired trade, so very hard to get!! So it was an extremely difficult choice to make! Oh well, life goers on,lol RN is ok, but its go, go ,go and for many pts, one can never do enough! It can be an extremely rewarding career, and at times it just plain sucks,lol have a huge dislike for the DC area. Far too much traffic. Sure there are lot of things to do, but one has to plan around the traffic and of course the summer brings all the clueless tourists,lol. I'm fortunate that things should change in mid 2011 as were movin gout of the area for a few yrs, so thats pretty cool. I really have no friends here that I can call up, but I'm ok with that, I'm not an overly sociable person out in public, lol, in the hospital setting ya, public not so much. My wife feels pretty bad about me having to make the big decision to move here and I'm fortunate I can head back to Canada a few times a yr. Guess we are all in the same boat. I plan on getting a new Cdn flag theme tattoo soon. Just need to find a good artist in the DC area.

[lgg 2]

Just to add, I don't think that this sort of thing is 'wrong' or worrisome, I think it's pretty normal. If you've been lucky to adjust with absolutely no issues whatsoever, i think THAT is out of the ordinary -- i really do. I can't, for the life of me, imagine someone so guiless as to be able to shift one country for the other on top of a new marriage and immigration and NOT have a moment or two of OMG!

I just wanted to say that -- I think feeling like we all have at some point or even now is totally normal and gives us the motivation to adjust. Hearing that there are others who feel this way is SUCH a bonus.

[AMERICAN/CANADIAN 0]

Ok ladies and gents. Im going to give ya some advice from the other side. I am a USC living in Canada for the past two years. (My husband and I are filing I-130 to go back to the US, even though that was not our orriginal plan.) I appologize in advance as this post may be a little lengthy as Im an american talker:)

Ok first of all: I understand completely what yall are going through. I used to be very financially well off on my own. I was independent and strong and had an outright attitude problem-I was strong willed. When I moved to Canada I was Niave about immigration. I thought it would only be 3 or so months and I could get back to work in my field (financial sector). It took a year to get my PR card. Then I was offered a coveted job in my field, but on the day I started I was informed that due to my being an immigrant I could not be awarded the security clearance to do the job and would not be able to do the job in Canada EVER! I cried for days. I will never in my life be able to work in my field again. You think it sucks to be 30 and have to wait....Imagine saying that it will NEVER happen again no matter what you do? That sucked. Anyway. No more whinning on that subject.

When I got to Canada my husband had basically no friends and the ones he did have were much more like him (computer geeks) than like me (a PARTY girl). We were financially strapped as I couldnt work for that year (bringing in 1200 a month and rent was 900)! If I complained my husbands heart would break bc he felt the need to protect us finacially and couldnt. He did a job that he hated just to make ends meet. I finally sat down and said to myself; my old dream is gone. Now what am I going to do to make myself happy? I can be depressed or I can try to change something. I thought about what I liked about my old job (helping people) and I found a job that I help little kids. Its not quite as wonderful as my old job but guess what I get to have a wonderful husband and I didnt have that in the US. You cant have it all.

Now for the kicker for everyone to understand how truely devastating this all was. We went through this whole process to get me to Canada legally. I gave up my career and my family (I have seven siblings and I had never went more than a week without seeing them) my home my credit my vehicle everything. But I got a wonderful man in return. This wonderful man and I decided to start a family. Yeah well that didnt work out so well. We have recently been diagnosed with at least some fertility problems by our primary dr here in Canada. Simple solution go to a fertility clinic. It will 12-18 months before we can get in in Canada and I only have 3 years or so left before my doctor is going to insist on me having a hysterectomy (due to cancerous cells in my body). The worst part is that my husband doing that job he hated essentially cooked his sperm so in supporting me for a year I may have essentially destroyed our dreams of ever having a family.

People dont realize how hard it is on the one moving. I know yall think Canada is all wonderful but let me tell you something. People in Canada can be just as mean as they are in they US! I came from a town of 1200 people and moved to a city with over 1.2million people. I like some Canadians. I like some Americans. But no one can say "all americans are this or all canadians are that" and it infuriates me in an immigration thread people are acting like they can

All that being said if you cant move home away from hubby, and you cant do the job of your dreams, you need to start being positive. I have two favorite quotes; if you want something to change, change something and the serentiy prayer (god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cant change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the differnce).

nothings going to change if you keep doing the same thing. Good luck. Ive been through the depression part of it too and anyone who wants to talk feel free to PM or email me. Good luck to all of us. and *hugs for everyone*

[Marilyn. 340]

"all Americans are this or all Canadians are that"

I don't think anyone here has said that...