Anyone feel like they've made a huge mistake?

[bluegreen 0]

I don't have time to read everything right now, or make a helpful comment, because I am rushing out the door to my job which is a fraction as good as anything I ever did at home, but there are tears running down my face and I can hardly see what I am typing - this resonates with me too. The situations may be slightly different, but the feelings you are all describing are not. I understand exactly. xo

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I believe in serendipity.

Yesterday afternoon while I was out, I stopped in at a local thrift store. While browsing through the books, I found this one: Marriage SHOCK: The Transformation of Women into Wives". I started to read it last night - and it is a discussion of exactly what we seem to be experiencing here although it doesn't include the additional stresses caused by our change of country and the loss of what was familiar to us. If it sounds like something you might want to pick up to read, here is the relevant information: author Dalma Heyn, a Delta Book published by Dell Publishing, (Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Incl) NY, 1997 . It is available new and used at Amazon.com from .01 cent to $1.38 http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385324022/sr=1-1/qid=1280417596/ref=sr_1_1_oe_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1280417596&sr=1-1 While the 'official' reviews are not great, the reader's reviews are, and you might want to go through them too.

Anyway, so far I agree with the reader's reviews. Maybe it will offer some advice I can use. I hope so.

[Bern. 3]

I can completely relate to this, when I first moved here, which was only a few months ago, I go off the plane in Las Vegas and already wanted to go back. I blamed myself for growing up too fast and for leaving my mother. I'm still very homesick so I'm going back to Canada in 3 days for a month, I hope it'll ease what I'm feeling. Good luck to you, <3

[Sprailenes 47]

I felt that way for about 2 years into coming here. It takes a while to become your own person once again. Our situations are so different from regular couples. For one we become so dependent on our spouses for so many things, how to get from point A to point B, and so on. When I first got married, I felt like I was mourning in some odd way. It was supposed to be happy, but I felt really lost for a while.

And it's so strange because we go through so much to be with our spouses so it's all very confusing, and not very many 'normal' couples would understand.

3 years later and I finally got a promotion at work, and I was very unhappy in my previous position. I have also started doing a lot of my own things on the side, meeting friends, taking classes and all of this JUST started to happen. I expected it all when I arrived. The truth is, it's all like learning to walk again.

Edited July 29, 2010 by Sprailenes

[Y&E 12]

I just described my feelings to my fiance as being in limbo. I'm not 'here' in the US yet because I have not real legal status and no right to work and help to support us (just to spend money!) but I don't see myself going back to the UK or NZ. I haven't been here as long as most of you nor had the problems that many of you have faced but I can empathise I hope.

On the topic of jobs and working, I think that often our USC SO's don't understand the realities of trying to find decent work in a country that isn't our home. For one thing, with the current economy I believe that employers are less willing to hire foreign workers in skilled jobs when there are so many USCs who are skilled and out of work. Secondly, if you don't have a US degree I have been told that employers are less likely to look at you. I know that my fiance thinks that it will be easy for me to find a job because I'm highly educated and have plenty of experience in my field. Unfortunately, Indiana isn't a mecca for publishing so finding a job in this field is unlikely (I don't want to stay in publishing but that's beside the point). However, for the reasons given above I think it will be difficult.

I am lucky however that I have a very transferable skill as a gymnastics coach with international experience and I'm willing to volunteer first and work part-time to get the experience over here. If you have a sport or skill that you can volunteer in and get the US experience I think that this can be quite valuable to show US employers. The only problem that I have with doing this is that I feel that if I get stuck coaching gymnastics I will start to lose the skills that make me attractive to employers in other fields that I'm interested in. I think that this is how other people are feeling too.

I'm sorry that this is a bit off the topic, but I just wanted to empathise with the opinions expressed about jobs. I hope that everyone who is going through hard times with adjusting or simply coping with everyday life finds some way to get through it.

[lgg 2]

Hey all... I've been here for 6 months and well, I can relate to a lot of stuff in this post as well. I don't feel like I've lost out or am losing out but I do mourn the life I used to have, my jobs, my ability to go about and do anything when i wanted. I miss the life I made for myself. Making a good one here is very slow going and a lot of work. The thing that keeps me here is my husband and my step daughter. Still yet? Everything is fraught with learning and failing and learning and growing -- sometimes I just want to sit back and not have to think so hard as to what my next step is, how I'll do this or that and such -- back in canada, I had all that stuff done an was happy and content -- I'm working hard to make myself happy and content here but there's a lot of work to be done.

And on that note, having to take the stupid driving test AGAIN as I failed it this morning. My first driving test ever and I failed it. So, there's some more ####### to have to slog through. In canada, where I lived, I had no need or desire of a car or to drive. Making my way here. Lots of work, all the time, ever day. My reward? My relationship is good and it too is work now that I'm in the midst of it every day. worth it, however.

[TimandJoyce 1]

I've gone back and forth with wanting to reply, not sure if I should reply, etc, etc, etc....because this too is exactly how I feel.

I really can't add much as a lot of what some of you have stated is what I'm facing and I've not quite been here a year yet. (next month will be, and we'll be married a year in Sept.)

I can say that I'm very envious of those that leave close enough to "zip" home. I'd love to live that close.

I really thought I could "handle" a lot of things here once I moved...now...I'm not to sure..However, I did make the choice, and unfortunately moving back to Canada is not an option for us. So I do need to get over this and make it work.

Reading this thread yesterday made me cry, and of course Tim's asking what is wrong. I let him know that it's just the "normal" struggles, nothing he can really "help" me with, and if I told him everything that I'm feeling he'd be offended. Which is kinda true...after all..he really doesn't want to hear that I'm having a difficult time "loving the US like home". It's not home for me...not right now. I just can't feel the same way about this country like I can with Canada. It's beautiful, don't get me wrong...and I'm looking forward to seeing more of it, but it's just not "home".

I don't think that's wrong to feel that way. Any American that moves to Canada I'm sure has similar issues.

Sprail...I like what you said.....it's like learning to walk again.

P.S. I'll be stopping by time and again. A lot of responses has helped me somewhat. Some great advice is here. Plus, it's just nice to read from others that have some of the same situations. I almost feel like I'm talking with another Canadian!!

*Oh how I wish I had one or two Canadian friends here to see face to face*

Galateia...I hope you don't feel your thread being hijacked!! I really do feel for you and my heart breaks. As it does for everyone else. Thank you though for starting this. I think it's needed....

Edited July 29, 2010 by TimandJoyce

[ashenflowers 5]

The wonderful thing about this thread, if there can be something wonderful about this topic, is finding that so many of us feel the same. We're all facing somewhat similar feelings and struggles. It feels very uniting.

*hugs all around*

[Marilyn. 340]

I was fine the first few years I was year, yeah I missed my family but it was manageable...

but since the beginning of this year I have started to dislike living here more and more...

the year started off good I had plans to get us out of debt by the end of summer and then we would move out of this place to a nicer neighborhood and maybe possibly look into adopting in a year or two.... but that all went to heck when first my car breaks down and then a few days later my husband's car is stolen, luckily it was found the same day but it cost us a bit for towing and getting it fixed.. and then we had to get me a new car etc.... and then I get sick and lost my job.. so now I just feel like we will be stuck here forever and it is really depressing me...

[Ontarkie 14,193]

I haven't posted yet in this thread mostly cause I'm terrible with words. I feel just like so many here too, completely out of place like a fish out of water.

[Galateia 1]

Galateia...I hope you don't feel your thread being hijacked!! I really do feel for you and my heart breaks. As it does for everyone else. Thank you though for starting this. I think it's needed....

No hijacking here- this is exactly what this thread is for. The fact is, most people can't relate and it helps so much to be able to hear someone say they understand and know that they really do.

[Galateia 1]

I guess, I was banking on the similarities of the two countries rather than looking at the differences. Just look at the thousands upon thousands of complaints (and whining) about chips and ketchup and things that I would consider insignificant.

Today as I sobbed uncontrollably in my doctor's office, I was so grateful that she's also a Canadian trapped here (it's her kids keeping her here) so I didn't have to articulate the fundamental difference in cultures that is so subtle it's hard to fully describe. If anything, it's harder than a complete alien environment as it's similar enough to provoke constant unease and low-grade distress every day, without giving us a target to pinpoint as the cause. I thought it would lessen over time, but it seems to be accumulative instead. We can pinpoint ketchup and Tim Horton's because they're easy to identify, but they're a snowflake on the tip of the iceberg.

It is really disheartening and hard to see the person that you love the most so miserable. My wife became depresssed and homesick, however was really didn't want to tell me this. She really didn't want to hurt my feelings.

So I guess the morale of my story is, Seriously, don't think that you are sparing your spouses feelings by not telling them how you feel about moving here. It is deceptive and leads to misconceptions and warped views of life. Here I thought my wife was just a bit homesick, that is what she told me. I only find out, when it is almost too late to salvage our marriage that she is miserable and depressed in the U.S.. And now, we are stuck in the position of having to pay off some hefty debts while working out communication problems and separated, again. Just be honest with your spouse, holding back because you don't want to hurt their feelings will blow up in the end, it always does.

This is an important warning. It is hard to be open about how bad it is to him, because it hurts him so much, but you are absolutely right that concealing it may be far, far worse in the long run. I am afraid of what it will be like for him when we settle in Canada. Will he have that same sense of constant wrongness wearing on his nerves day after day?

I don't have time to read everything right now, or make a helpful comment, because I am rushing out the door to my job which is a fraction as good as anything I ever did at home, but there are tears running down my face and I can hardly see what I am typing - this resonates with me too. The situations may be slightly different, but the feelings you are all describing are not. I understand exactly. xo

Hugs to you.

The wonderful thing about this thread, if there can be something wonderful about this topic, is finding that so many of us feel the same. We're all facing somewhat similar feelings and struggles. It feels very uniting.

*hugs all around*

What she said ^

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I felt that way for about 2 years into coming here. It takes a while to become your own person once again. Our situations are so different from regular couples. For one we become so dependent on our spouses for so many things, how to get from point A to point B, and so on. When I first got married, I felt like I was mourning in some odd way. It was supposed to be happy, but I felt really lost for a while.

And it's so strange because we go through so much to be with our spouses so it's all very confusing, and not very many 'normal' couples would understand.

3 years later and I finally got a promotion at work, and I was very unhappy in my previous position. I have also started doing a lot of my own things on the side, meeting friends, taking classes and all of this JUST started to happen. I expected it all when I arrived. The truth is, it's all like learning to walk again.

Agreed - after almost 3 yrs, this is when I find I have my own things again...be it friends, hobbies,identity at work etc. I expected it too, but I couldn't have realized how hard it would be.

[lgg 2]

It's true. Nothing worse in the world than thinking, gosh, I must be the only one who struggles with this -- what a loser my friends back home would I th ink I was hearing the struggle this can be so yeah, it's really nice to read that someone understands all this too. It's comforting.

The wonderful thing about this thread, if there can be something wonderful about this topic, is finding that so many of us feel the same. We're all facing somewhat similar feelings and struggles. It feels very uniting.

*hugs all around*

[Tater&Bugger 3]

I just wanted to tap into one of the comments above, about an American moving to Canada too... currently we are applying for me to live in the US. I have no concerns or doubts for many reasons. 1. I'll be living 2hrs from my home in the Great White North 2. I've already spent SO much time where my fiance lives and already have my own friends there and 3. I will only be in the US for 3-5 years... but I still understand what you all are saying. I've mentally prepared myself as much as I can, and I think that's the best we can all do. One thing I have noticed a lot of you say is that you do not tell your spouses all the details about how you feel... wether it be embarrassment of guilt for making them feel bad. I urge you to talk to your spouses about how you are feeling. If they don't know they can't help you make it better. Sure they can't pull a perfect job and all your best friends next door out of a hat but at least put it out there. They knew when they married you all that you were giving up a lot.

Now back to an American moving to Canada. Once my fiance is done with the military and schooling our plan is to come back to Ottawa. I have a family with a successful business here that I will be joining and we view the value of that. Economically, it also makes the most sense. The Nations Capital is never his has hard when the economy takes a dive. We've talked through and through about the struggles HE will have when he moves here. His friends from where he is now in Fort Drum will be gone so the only people he will know are the friends I already have. Luckily he loves them and they love him. His family will be a 8 hr drive away still... and the biggest problem is the city is bilingual and he is not. After his tour in Iraq he acknowledged the fact that he will have a harder time adjusting to life in Canada than in a completely foreign country. Our countries are SO similar, yet at the same time so different. Some people obviously get affect in different ways and for different reasons.

All I can say though after reading all your valuable words though is to please just speak with your partners about what you are feeling. You need to communicate these details. Out of respect for yourself, your partner and your relationship. No matter what they will always be by your side and I am sure will do anything possible to help lessen the burden.

xo

T