Anyone feel like they've made a huge mistake?

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Gal - maybe I missed the explanation - but what is this career which cannot be achieved? There has to be a different way to look at it or a different way to achieve it or maybe a way to adjust the original goal so it is doable. I get that at this moment in time it does not seem doable, but nothing ever stays static. Whether you change something or something just happens...your situation will not always be this discouraging. It's just the way of the world - something will always happen which changes everything.

You mentioned planning since 2001 to go to this school - if your financial situation was different is it actually close enough to be going to or is it Texas that is the problem? Is your current location simply too far away anyway? I encourage you to define what makes it not work and then figure out what could be done. If you venture into other forums you're going to find people who live apart and go to school during the year,...yes, you'll have student debt.....but if that's what you had to do.... would you do it? You can live apart from your husband and go to school - he can be in debt too....his education is not more valueable then yours. You vocalized about not being the girl who gave up her dreams....maybe you did for a year or two...but maybe now you can get back on track. Who cares what anyone else thinks, just do what you need to do...your husband may well be very supportive

I don't want to be harsh at all because I understand how it feels to have lost one's self.....you do sound miserable and a good talk with whoever (be it profreesional or otherwise) can do a world of good.

[Undefined 4]

I have been here over 6 years now and can so empathize with what you are feeling! Many of the same thoughts have and are going through my mind. I love my husband and we don't have the additional financial stress that you do, but I feel like there is no place for me here. I don't fit in. My world views are different than the majority of people with whom we interact and I find more often than not I have to 'bite' my tongue rather than say what I would really like to say, first because they wouldn't be able to 'hear' it and everyone would end up frustrated and annoyed, and second because even if they 'heard' it, they wouldn't understand. My husband is like this and as supportive as he is, he just doesn't understand the difference in culture that divides Canada and the US; the differences in life styles; the differences in expectations, the differences in ideology. We view the world so differently! There is so much anger and hate and violence - if not physical, then psychological and emotional - in this environment and I find myself living with fear far more than I ever have in my life. The fear isn't just from being in the US though - it is being in a relationship in the US. We are older and with the economic situation my husband who had hoped to retire this year now doesn't know when he will be able to afford to. I have not been able to find a job in my field in this area and we are tied to this area by my husband's job, so yes, all of my hopes, my talents, my abilities seem to have drifted off to the wayside. I was able to stay productive for the first little while but by now, I know that I too, feel little interest in doing much of anything. I do what I need to support the relationship but I find I just don't have it in me to do what supports me - and I find myself crying for my lost self. Yes, I am aware that I have had bouts of depression while here as well - something that never happened when I lived in Canada. There is a sense of loss of control over my life now. I can't make decisions for myself anymore but am tied into a relationship where both of us need to be considered - and it often seems to end up that my considerations and needs become less important. I am the 'support' person now, and it feels like I just don't make a difference anymore.

I have seriously thought of going back 'home' as well to get away from all the ugliness and fear that seems to be inherent in the US culture. I miss the sense of community, of friendliness, of caring neighbours, where people were concerned about each other and not just about themselves. I miss the kindness and the compassion and the curiosity about life where different cultures and experiences were causes of celebration, not condemnation. And then I feel guilty because everything looks so good on the surface here. Why should I be feeling like this? What right do I have to complain - I have everything - a nice home, a loving husband, all my current physical needs met - but in many ways these 'things' also become burdens. There are times I would just love to run away from everyone and every thing just to see if I can find myself again. I got lost somewhere over the last 6 years, so Galateia, I so very much understand how you feel, even though our circumstances are different.

Wow! That touched me! And wow you have a heart?(jk dont bite my head off) .I so understand your pain. Even tho I have it differently. Yes unfortunately Canada and U.S. are so different. I wish we would be more united then enemies

[Galateia 1]

Gal - maybe I missed the explanation - but what is this career which cannot be achieved? There has to be a different way to look at it or a different way to achieve it or maybe a way to adjust the original goal so it is doable. I get that at this moment in time it does not seem doable, but nothing ever stays static. Whether you change something or something just happens...your situation will not always be this discouraging. It's just the way of the world - something will always happen which changes everything.

You mentioned planning since 2001 to go to this school - if your financial situation was different is it actually close enough to be going to or is it Texas that is the problem? Is your current location simply too far away anyway? I encourage you to define what makes it not work and then figure out what could be done. If you venture into other forums you're going to find people who live apart and go to school during the year,...yes, you'll have student debt.....but if that's what you had to do.... would you do it? You can live apart from your husband and go to school - he can be in debt too....his education is not more valueable then yours. You vocalized about not being the girl who gave up her dreams....maybe you did for a year or two...but maybe now you can get back on track. Who cares what anyone else thinks, just do what you need to do...your husband may well be very supportive

I don't want to be harsh at all because I understand how it feels to have lost one's self.....you do sound miserable and a good talk with whoever (be it profreesional or otherwise) can do a world of good.

It's not harsh at all.

It's theatre design, at NTS in Montreal. Without an NTS degree, I'm looking at slaving away for 10-15 years as a grunt worker before I even see a hint of the real work, and most people get burnt out long before that. Think of it as the equivalent to being a classical pianist aiming for a career as a soloist; unless you are a graduate of an uber-prestigious school with a veritable web of industry contacts, you are facing a very difficult road trying to gain recognition and work.

If it was a career in, say, accounting, I could easily do something else. I cannot describe to you how it was to do my work, where all the disparate and conflicting elements of my personality and talents abruptly fell into sync and I was able to create things which amazed even myself. I could work all day without noticing I hadn't been eating, drinking, or taking bathroom breaks, as I was totally focused and downright euphoric as I worked. Have you ever seen a musician become so caught up in their work that they are almost in a trance-like state, oblivious to the world around them? That's what it was like for me. It's a feeling of profound rightness and driving purpose, like you are doing what you were meant to do. Unlike everything else, such as painting, drawing, dancing, sculpting, writing, study of classical literature, etcetera, for which I had talent but still found to be an effort, theatre design concepts just blossomed in my mind and flowed out of the end of my pencil- brilliant, innovative, textually flawless, multi-faceted.

There are perhaps five schools in the world with NTS' stature, so there we are. I have doubts that I even possess the ability to continue my work, considering how withered and dull I've become. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, eh?

[HalfnHalf 1]

I think we all understand passion. EACH one of us relate to something that lights a fire in our soal... In everyone's life, at some time, our fire goes out.

You speak as though your 90 years old and at the end of your days? What did you say you are? 30 right? I'm pretty sure you aren't really out of the prime of life quite yet! You are NOT withered or senile, therefore, the possibilities are endless and astounding, you just have to stay open to them! And you may have to make an effort to reignite that spark.

You have gotten a lot of exceptional advice from a lot of people here. My advice is to pay attention to it!

Edited July 28, 2010 by HalfnHalf

[Gemmie 142]

There are perhaps five schools in the world with NTS' stature, so there we are. I have doubts that I even possess the ability to continue my work, considering how withered and dull I've become. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, eh?

Believe me, you're only feeling this way (in bold) because of how much confidence you've lost since moving to the US. I know because I feel it too. I find it hard to walk into a place and ask for an application form, something I never flinched about in my country. I don't even like answering the phone in case the person on the other end can't understand me, or I don't understand what they're needing from me. Ridiculous, isn't it? The only time I feel more like myself is when I go into the city and I'm surrounded by people from all kinds of backgrounds. One day here, I had an amazing interview with a psychiatrist and we had the best discussion related to my field, we talked for 40 minutes and I didn't feel nervous at all. I was just so darn excited to be able to use my brain and interact with someone on my wavelength, and that's when I realised that I could feel more like myself if I achieved something in my career. Unfortunately I got the job, but then the funding fell through, so I lost it anyway. But the point is, don't allow yourself to be lost completely. That part of you that loves theatre design is still inside you, and I think we all just saw it for a moment.

A loss of confidence changes you in so many ways, this is also why you're questioning why your husband is even interested in 'someone like you'. I have no doubt that you possess the ability to continue your work, and I can tell that only from the passion you have for theatre design, the way you light up when you think and talk of it.

Edited July 28, 2010 by Gemmie

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Now I understand girl - as a matter of fact my brother has a similar issue....he is an Opera singer, Baritone in fact..Bachelor's, Opera Dip, and Masters. Without further training, a doctorate in music from somewhere extremely prestigious he cannot even get a decent job in a music related career - conducting for example. (PS he is an insurance agent...which pays the bills and he hates it )

So how to do it then...Your talent will not wither away, yes it might be subdued right now, but you're hardly in a creative environment that will stimulate it.

When you first decided to move down...if you don't mind me asking, what was the original plan?

It's not harsh at all.

It's theatre design, at NTS in Montreal. Without an NTS degree, I'm looking at slaving away for 10-15 years as a grunt worker before I even see a hint of the real work, and most people get burnt out long before that. Think of it as the equivalent to being a classical pianist aiming for a career as a soloist; unless you are a graduate of an uber-prestigious school with a veritable web of industry contacts, you are facing a very difficult road trying to gain recognition and work.

If it was a career in, say, accounting, I could easily do something else. I cannot describe to you how it was to do my work, where all the disparate and conflicting elements of my personality and talents abruptly fell into sync and I was able to create things which amazed even myself. I could work all day without noticing I hadn't been eating, drinking, or taking bathroom breaks, as I was totally focused and downright euphoric as I worked. Have you ever seen a musician become so caught up in their work that they are almost in a trance-like state, oblivious to the world around them? That's what it was like for me. It's a feeling of profound rightness and driving purpose, like you are doing what you were meant to do. Unlike everything else, such as painting, drawing, dancing, sculpting, writing, study of classical literature, etcetera, for which I had talent but still found to be an effort, theatre design concepts just blossomed in my mind and flowed out of the end of my pencil- brilliant, innovative, textually flawless, multi-faceted.

There are perhaps five schools in the world with NTS' stature, so there we are. I have doubts that I even possess the ability to continue my work, considering how withered and dull I've become. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, eh?

[Galateia 1]

Now I understand girl - as a matter of fact my brother has a similar issue....he is an Opera singer, Baritone in fact..Bachelor's, Opera Dip, and Masters. Without further training, a doctorate in music from somewhere extremely prestigious he cannot even get a decent job in a music related career - conducting for example. (PS he is an insurance agent...which pays the bills and he hates it )

So how to do it then...Your talent will not wither away, yes it might be subdued right now, but you're hardly in a creative environment that will stimulate it.

When you first decided to move down...if you don't mind me asking, what was the original plan?

Your poor brother. Sometimes I envy people who don't seem to have that passion (let's face it, the arts are a cruel, demanding mistress) as I imagine it makes not doing said passion and enduring everyday living less of a gruelling existence?

Originally, we thought it was going to be 3-4 years and then we'd be back up in Canada so I could carry on with my schooling, which would be doable. Well, now it's stretched to 6 years (maybe 5 if I am lucky for the school portion alone with another 3 years of AF, for a total of 9 years delay.

[ashenflowers 5]

Oh Galateia, we have so much in common it scared me. Our circumstances are slightly different of course, no one is the same... I won't get into long details at the moment, but the similarities astounded me.

Your post(s) made me so sad, and almost in tears for you, for me, and for every other person who's gone through what we've gone through (especially women, who are always struggling with the family vs. career battle more so than men). I can understand how you feel. I also went to school for theatre, believe it or not. My 'dream' was to be a lighting designer or set designer. I'm not kidding (when I read about you wanting to be a theatre designer I almost lost it...lol). I had to give that dream up in 2003. I went to school and graduated with the 12-15 hr days at school like you described, so I really understand what you're up against... fighting for a career in theatre is nothing like any other career path I've come across so far, except elsewhere in the entertainment business. I wasn't able to work a job during school, so that in itself was hard financially, and shortly after graduating, I had to take on full time jobs in other fields to just sustain LIFE, and had to pass on theatre opportunities and over time it extended to not really being in theatre at all. It was heartbreaking to see the local university here advertising a position in their theatre arts department and realizing I was no longer qualified. I look at my resume now and I want to rip it up and pretend like I don't even have one, because every job on there has NOTHING to do with any of my interests or career 'goals'.

Anyways, that's just basics of my theatre related stuff, but even though I have only been in the U.S. for just over 6 months, believe me when I say I understand the remaining hardships you are encountering. For me though, these feelings of despair didn't even start when I moved to the U.S.... as they had been around for a while already. Silly me thought moving to the U.S. might trigger some positive change, but it was quite, quite the opposite (all beginning with my husband losing his job the very day after I arrived in California.... it took him 5+ months to find a job, all while I couldn't work either... if you can at all imagine what THAT was like on top of everything else). I'm turning 30 in October, and for some reason, 30 really DOES feel like 90. It's like any life that has or has not started by 30 is just done for. I don't know why that is. I know it's NOT true, but it's hard to feel otherwise.

I am no therapist, I don't know how much I could help, but please if you ever feel the need to talk, msg me or email me dangerpronedaphne @ gmail.com

*hugs*

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Your poor brother. Sometimes I envy people who don't seem to have that passion (let's face it, the arts are a cruel, demanding mistress) as I imagine it makes not doing said passion and enduring everyday living less of a gruelling existence?

Originally, we thought it was going to be 3-4 years and then we'd be back up in Canada so I could carry on with my schooling, which would be doable. Well, now it's stretched to 6 years (maybe 5 if I am lucky for the school portion alone with another 3 years of AF, for a total of 9 years delay.

Maybe you can go back ahead....that could be a possiblity....makes for student debt again, but it would work. If you choose citizenship here, by then you'll have it and can safely move back for school.

Question is - what to do in the in-between time to keep a spark of creativity going? I take it you're hardly living near a major city which would have a larger arts community.

[landa 1]

BIG MISTAKE! LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. There are so many other factors to take into acccount. Can't wait till it's OVER!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Just to cheer you 30 yr olds up - ...30 is not 90...40 is...oh wait, no just kidding PS I just turned 40...can you tell?

Ashen - I disagree with your statement:

I look at my resume now and I want to rip it up and pretend like I don't even have one, because every job on there has NOTHING to do with any of my interests or career 'goals'.

Other jobs are teaching you different valuable skills and you are not wasting your time. Wasting your time would be sitting at home doing nothing, you are being productive. I understand that for both you and Gal...the artistic side feels like it's being wasted. I am going to go out on a limb and maybe be a little weeny, but is there anything wrong with getting your feet wet with a local little theatre group? No - they are not pros and no they have no $$$ for set and theatre design, but would it keep you in the arts community. Being involved in any arts community big or small and being around the people who's creative juices are flowing is wonderful. Can you tell I used to be involve din a Little Theatre group called KWLT (KWLT.org)...small but full of wonderful, creative people who make the most of what they have to work with.

Sorry to suggest somethign small, I didn;t want to insult anyone and you might scoff at it, but it's an option.

[Sprailenes 47]

I would love to paint full time, but that certainly wouldn't pay the bills. I know many people would love to do what they love to do full time, and that rarely happens.

There are ways to feel fulfilled and it doesn't always have to involve your passion. Start something, do something. You're mind isn't wasting, you're just telling yourself that. You can only go as far as you push yourself.

Everything we do is a choice.

Edited July 29, 2010 by Sprailenes

[Galateia 1]

Sorry to suggest somethign small, I didn;t want to insult anyone and you might scoff at it, but it's an option.

I'm absolutely in support of local theatre, so it's not a bad suggestion. When I first got here, I became friends with a professor in the drama department (since moved away) and investigated the local scene, thinking I could at least keep a toe in to keep myself sane. Unfortunately, local tastes don't afford much to work with ... "It's like Seinfeld set to music!" uh, no. Even the university sticks to pedestrian fare (design-wise) and I can't blame them for sticking with what sells. I didn't exactly run screaming, but that was mostly because I was still shellshocked with everything else I was learning about my new home.

I would love to paint full time, but that certainly wouldn't pay the bills. I know many people would love to do what they love to do full time, and that rarely happens.

There are ways to feel fulfilled and it doesn't always have to involve your passion. Start something, do something. You're mind isn't wasting, you're just telling yourself that. You can only go as far as you push yourself.

If you are able to dabble in painting while juggling the rest of your life, I admire you. I mean that quite sincerely. I don't have the energy to make it past dinner some nights, let alone get anything done, and having 2 random days off during the week which are never together makes me feel like I never have a true break from work to recharge and have time for myself. Getting laundry done is a huge accomplishment.

An update: My doctor's office managed to squeeze me into a 10:45 short appointment today, so I will have a chance to talk to her about the depression and anxiety issues. Cross your fingers that she can do something!

[Sprailenes 47]

I don't do it as often as I'd like, last time I painted was about a year ago - and I didn't even complete it. I juggle work with being a mom to a son who plays hockey and the violin, so after work its practice or lessons - on top of homework - and being a wife. A lot of my passions have taken a back seat since becoming a mother, and now that I'm a wife, they're in the trunk. I don't think its a waste though, I just figure now is not the time. I try not to dwell on it because there are other things out there that I find fulfilling.

I hope your doctor is able to help you, it just sounds like everything is really clustered for you right now, and I am sure that once you talk to someone and perhaps get some help you'll feel a lot better.

Edited July 29, 2010 by Sprailenes

[The_Dude 1,142]

I think my wife and I made a mistake, not in getting married, but in immigrating to the U.S.. She seemed to want to get out of London, and I had a much bigger family and a much higher paying job. Those seemed to overshadow some of the realities of our situation. While I have a bigger family, her family is more important to her. While I had a much higher paying job, I live in Los Angeles and the standard of living is much much higher. It was heartbreaking for her when her friends back home were buying their own homes, meanwhile, a home here costs upwards of $750K, if you want to live in a neighborhood that you won't get shot in. I guess, I was banking on the similarities of the two countries rather than looking at the differences. Just look at the thousands upon thousands of complaints (and whining) about chips and ketchup and things that I would consider insignificant. It is really disheartening and hard to see the person that you love the most so miserable. My wife became depresssed and homesick, however was really didn't want to tell me this. She really didn't want to hurt my feelings. So for the longest time, I thought nothing was wrong. It was several months after she received her green card, and I was hounding her every day to look for a job, and she simply wouldn't. After a while, she stopped feigning that she was even trying. Her spirits were buoyed a bit when we got a bit of money off our taxes and bought her a ticket to go back home to visit her family for a month. But in the end, this only reinforced how miserable she was in the U.S.

So I guess the morale of my story is, Seriously, don't think that you are sparing your spouses feelings by not telling them how you feel about moving here. It is deceptive and leads to misconceptions and warped views of life. Here I thought my wife was just a bit homesick, that is what she told me. I only find out, when it is almost too late to salvage our marriage that she is miserable and depressed in the U.S.. And now, we are stuck in the position of having to pay off some hefty debts while working out communication problems and separated, again. Just be honest with your spouse, holding back because you don't want to hurt their feelings will blow up in the end, it always does.