Anyone feel like they've made a huge mistake?

[Kukolka 8]

I'm feeling like I made a mistake either in researching the laws before he first visited, or in choosing to do K-1 instead of me moving to Canada.

[janurabi 0]

I'm moving to the U.S. in a month (RI to be exact). I have a job lined up, a place to stay and alot of friends in the area. I'm moving on my own. Not for love but making a personal choice. I can sympathize with how your feeling. Although I've done my research and know the area VERY well, I'm still scared to leave my family. And although our situations are different, I can safely say that I'm scared but exhilarated with the change.

But to be honest, I'm leaving a bad situation. My current job is in question, with many former co-workers moving to work for the competition. Things are very ugly for me professionally that I feared that if I didn't cease an opportunity, I would definitely regretted it. Honestly, if I didn't have this move to look forward to, I would've definitely had a nervous breakdown by now. The argument of people in Canada vs people in the US is really irrelevant because it depends on where you're moving or live and who you know. For me, I live in Winnipeg (the confirmed murder capital of Canada). Don't get me wrong, Winnipeg can be fun sometimes and has a great cultural diversity, however, there are obvious problems that the city faces as well as the overall ho-hum attitude of Manitobans in general. And as a professional graphic designer, for 8+ years I've been searching for opportunities in the area for sooooo long with none to be found. Unfortunately for someone in my profession, Winnipeg is not a major centre and there are not alot of opportunities. I fear that if I waited for my job to fold, which is inevitably going to happen, I won't have a heck of alot of luck finding anything remotely close.

So when an offer came I sat on it, thought about it, did the numbers crunching and said what the hell, I have no kids, no debts, no marriage, now's the time to take a risk.

[marie007 1]

I'm moving to the U.S. in a month (RI to be exact). I have a job lined up, a place to stay and alot of friends in the area. I'm moving on my own. Not for love but making a personal choice. I can sympathize with how your feeling. Although I've done my research and know the area VERY well, I'm still scared to leave my family. And although our situations are different, I can safely say that I'm scared but exhilarated with the change.

But to be honest, I'm leaving a bad situation. My current job is in question, with many former co-workers moving to work for the competition. Things are very ugly for me professionally that I feared that if I didn't cease an opportunity, I would definitely regretted it. Honestly, if I didn't have this move to look forward to, I would've definitely had a nervous breakdown by now. The argument of people in Canada vs people in the US is really irrelevant because it depends on where you're moving or live and who you know. For me, I live in Winnipeg (the confirmed murder capital of Canada). Don't get me wrong, Winnipeg can be fun sometimes and has a great cultural diversity, however, there are obvious problems that the city faces as well as the overall ho-hum attitude of Manitobans in general. And as a professional graphic designer, for 8+ years I've been searching for opportunities in the area for sooooo long with none to be found. Unfortunately for someone in my profession, Winnipeg is not a major centre and there are not alot of opportunities. I fear that if I waited for my job to fold, which is inevitably going to happen, I won't have a heck of alot of luck finding anything remotely close.

So when an offer came I sat on it, thought about it, did the numbers crunching and said what the hell, I have no kids, no debts, no marriage, now's the time to take a risk.

In my opinion, your doing the right thing. No kids, no debts, no marriage. You have nothing to lose. You will be fine.

Marie

[Flames9_RN 358]

Love RI, Inlaws have a summer place in newport!! So relaxing. And they have Tim Hortons!!

[Kevbev09 1]

Love RI, Inlaws have a summer place in newport!! So relaxing. And they have Tim Hortons!!

Yes and some genius in the US has seen fit to combine Timmies with Cold Stone Creameries.. *drooooool*

[Flames9_RN 358]

Yep!! No different then Dunkins and basket robbins i guess!! The ones in RI seem to be by their lonsesome!!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm not Canadian [and thus I'm sorry in advance if I'm not allowed to reply to this thread], but I've been reading this whole thread until the reply quoted below - and ashenflowers said the precise thing that has been on my mind throughout...

....

If it's so difficult for US/Canadian couples, imagine how much harder it is/would be for couples with SOs from other countries. Flying to and fro is not an option open to many couples, and it saddens my heart to know that it is more difficult for them than for US/Canadian couples. Of course, this is not to say that it is easy for US/Canadian couples - I'm just saying it's more difficult for others.

I'm from Australia (obviously given the flag ) and I came back to Australia for a visit at the start of September. To get home it cost my parents AU$1,300. My parent's paid because my father is not well and I cannot afford to buy the ticket.

I've been in the US since Sept 2009, and while my AOS didn't take very long, it did take some time to apply for it, and without a vehicle anyway (and I wasn't going to learn to drive in the middle of Houston, Texas) I couldn't have worked... this lack of funds for an emergency trip home played on my guilt a lot, especially knowing my father was "frail aged" and suffered from idiopathic myelofibrosis when I left... but it was insisted on that I don't put my life on hold and we'd see what happened.

My trip home was rather sudden, luckily for me I didn't have a job so I'm free to stay in Aus for 2 months to help care for my father who's now taken a turn for the worse. A lot of my Aussie mates have the same sort of issues. It's INCREDIBLY hard when a friend or family member is sick or injured and you can't afford to just "pop over" to visit. I need to know if it's "bad enough that I fly over" and for me it's very hard to be so clinical about it. Let alone what if I get the call too late? Should I say my "full goodbyes" now before I leave "just in case"?

I left for the airport on Wednesday 1st Sept at 8am after going to bed at 2am-ish (my husband was working his 12 hour night shift of 6pm to 6am) Luckily the airport's pretty close (45 mins, place called Moline) so I was able to wait for my husband to get back from work, he napped for about 30 mins and then we left. I boarded for my 11.15am flight and then after arriving in Chicago (ORD) I spent SEVEN hours waiting in Chicago for my transfer to LAX. I'm sure there were flights with less waiting time, but I (or rather my parents) simply couldn't afford it, and i didn't want them to waste the money, a little wait never hurt anyone. From LAX I flew to Sydney, then transferred to Melbourne. All up I was in the air about 2 hours from MLI to ORD, 5 or so hours from ORD to LAX, 14 hours from LAX to SYD, 2-3 hours from SYD to MEL. With transfers, waiting etc I was travelling for more than 24 hours. I landed on Friday 3rd Sept in Melbourne at 9.40am.. I lost Thursday somewhere in there.

I'm not trying to belittle anyone's feelings but I am hoping I convey that yes, it's VERY hard being so far from friends and family.

For me I struggled with the unknown. Not knowing about cell-phone contracts, being unable to sign up for a businesses mailing list because then you get LOTS of junk mail (the one time i DIDN'T listen to my husband... almost had to close an email account :S). Not knowing about the whole "cheque" system (seriously we don't use cheques much at all in Aus, VERY rare), the medical system scares me, growing old worries me. I wouldn't "import" my parents because I don't think the US supports it's elderly well enough. I'm not used to being so scared of the unknown. In Houston in particular there was a LOT of crime. Abductions, murders, kidnapping, rape... sure none of it happened to me but I also wasn't "allowed" alone out into our building complex at night to get the mail, it really concerned my husband. I just feel a lot of stress, a lot of ANGER that I'm not used to. Life for me was a lot more laid back before I left Aus... I'm sincerely worried that the US will turn me into a mean person, it's a self-preservation thing for most here in the US I'm sure, but I don't like it.

I'm SO sick of hearing "this is AMERICA!" and then a giggle when I disagree with the way something's done. I've had at least one incident that really ticked me off. We are trying to buy a house and were staying with husbands grandmother (Sharon). Sharon had a BAD habit of stealing our food. Even giving it to her guests while were we out. We had an arrangement were we shared bills, but NOT food because I cooked and she had "meals on wheels" type stuff. Anyway, the worst was bread. She eats a LOT of bread, my husband and I don't so we store the loaf in the freezer (or I do ) and take slices out as i need them, so as not to waste. She was CONSTANTLY removing our bread from the freezer to use when hers ran out. One day we were adding more food and re-arranging the freezer when she said "oh put that bread on the counter" to my husband. I said "oh that's our bread, I prefer to keep it in the freezer". She said "what about me? What am I supposed to eat?" I said "well I don't know where your bread is but I know that's ours and we don't eat enough to leave it out so we keep it in there". She said "well put it in the fridge then." I said "no, because bread goes "off" quicker in the fridge". Her response??? "I am 65 years old and have lived in America all my life. Bread does NOT go bad in the fridge quicker".. I said nothing. My issue with that? I don't care if you're American and I'm not, or you've lived here longer than I have, it has nothing to do with the "spoil rate" of bread. Being NOT american does not immediately make me a moron.. though some American's seem to think that's the case... Oh and for those interested.. a fridge works by removing moisture from the air (among other things), causing bread to go stale quicker.

Family is another thing, I don't know if it's an iowa thing, or a "my husbands family" thing.. but family doesn't seem as important to the people I've met as it does to the people here in Aus. I've noticed family seems more like an obligation to a lot of people. They might still care, but everyone cares more about themselves and has the "you're out on your own" mentality... like they want the kids to grow up and out quicker or something.. I don't know, I don't get it. I've already told my husband that birthdays, Easter, Christmas (and I suppose Thanksgiving now and Halloween) are IMPORTANT dates. They're not something to gloss over, or something where a simple text or FB msg will be enough... esp when we have kids, I want our kids to feel the family UNIT. Love, support, fun, celebration as well of course as appropriate discipline. I got ONE Happy birthday msg from my husbands family, from his father actually, in August this year. My FIRST U.S birthday and a text? Not even a card? or a visit in person?? When my father became sicker I told my husband we weren't telling his family. We didn't tell them I was flying back but turns out the person we were staying with told 1 person, who told someone else.. etc etc. My husbands sister and father called tony to ask what the deal was with me flying back. When he told them not ONE of them he told, nor the others i'm sure THEY told called or messaged or came to see me to see if I was okay... that is NOT okay in my family. It's cold and as I told my husband, unacceptable with OUR little family now. People are supposed to care.

... Sorry I just realised I digressed :S Anyway even though I'm from Aus, not Canada I do understand losing a part of yourself. It's kinda like becoming a parents or pet owner (sounds great :S ) suddenly what YOU want and what YOU need isn't as important as what the family needs. It's a very selfless existance and after getting our puppy I admitted to my husband that I'm not ready for kids yet. He and i are doing well. Even with the drama with his family, couch hopping cause of buying a house AND the process of buying a house we're sticking strong together. I look forward to becoming normal soon though :S

I suppose the main thing I think is, I'm losing a part of myself yes, but i am gaining another part too. My life isn't over yet i still have time. My old dreams and goals will most likely HAVE to change (I was going to be a copper, but not in the U.S so not anymore :S) but maybe just with some concessions on my end and changes to the plan. What sort of hours does your husband work OP? Why isn't he able to get a part-time job, you get a part-time job so roughly same income then you both study as well? If you are truly this unhappy change is needed. I have "moments" but I try hard to analyse them and find a way to fix it. I REALLY missed having a dog and it took a while but I finally got one My birth control rod comes out in 2012 so that was the initial plan but now, with me not even STARTING work yet, I'm thinking that plan will need to change. I have NO IDEA what kind of career I'm going to have in the U.S. Another thing this change affords me is the CHANCE to change. To find another "me". It's going to be hard, I don't have any of "just my" friends yet (just my husbands) and I hope people here in the US at whatever job I choose will accept me. I hope my spelling won't be an issue (cheque, colour ), I hope I can still answer phones and not confuse people with my accent.. yeah.. a lot of fear.. I think I need to get back into exercise... after all, as Legally Blonde says "exercise causes endorphins, endorphins make people happy. Happy people don't kill people."...

p.s. sorry for the long post, seems I was feeling more than I admitted to myself...

Edited September 14, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Danu 19]

Family is another thing, I don't know if it's an iowa thing, or a "my husbands family" thing.. but family doesn't seem as important to the people I've met as it does to the people here in Aus. I've noticed family seems more like an obligation to a lot of people. They might still care, but everyone cares more about themselves and has the "you're out on your own" mentality... like they want the kids to grow up and out quicker or something.. I don't know, I don't get it. I've already told my husband that birthdays, Easter, Christmas (and I suppose Thanksgiving now and Halloween) are IMPORTANT dates. They're not something to gloss over, or something where a simple text or FB msg will be enough... esp when we have kids, I want our kids to feel the family UNIT. Love, support, fun, celebration as well of course as appropriate discipline. I got ONE Happy birthday msg from my husbands family, from his father actually, in August this year. My FIRST U.S birthday and a text? Not even a card? or a visit in person?? When my father became sicker I told my husband we weren't telling his family. We didn't tell them I was flying back but turns out the person we were staying with told 1 person, who told someone else.. etc etc. My husbands sister and father called tony to ask what the deal was with me flying back. When he told them not ONE of them he told, nor the others i'm sure THEY told called or messaged or came to see me to see if I was okay... that is NOT okay in my family. It's cold and as I told my husband, unacceptable with OUR little family now. People are supposed to care.

I know this one all too well. My family may be a pain in the ####, but I love them dearly. I miss them so much, and every time I break down Wes makes a comment about how he knows my family is more important to me than his is to him. That kind of sucks...I mean its nice that I dont have to be around crazy in-laws all the time, but it also sucks because their family just isnt like mine is. The birthday thing I also know, though my parents and his dad went out of their ways to make me still feel spoiled, which was nice. Wes however doesn't see the big deal about celebrating his birthday, or anyone elses, as his birthday for the longest time was always completely forgotten or skimmed over by anyone who wasn't his dad. That makes me sad as well, its the day he came in to being, the most wonderful person ever, and there's almost no acknowledgement. I'm working to fix that, but for sure when we have kids I want our family to be more like my family, where people can actually talk and while they drive you mental, you know they still love you and miss you.

I'm very sorry to hear about your father as well, that must be extremely tough on you.

[CanAmCharlotte 0]

Wow, I just found this thread and it's a provocative one. Thanks Gal for starting it. I'm sincerely glad we (Canadians/Aussies/Brits) feel "safe" enough to post how we really think about our decision to immigrate to a place that only on the surface looks a lot like home. I share many of the same feelings and a lot of what has been said must surely resonate with the majority of us. It's a relief to know you're not alone. It's one thing to feel homesick but then to feel guilty for having those thoughts is a whole other thing. It's tough to know how to deal with it. Would you agree that after a couple of years as a US permanent resident, the feelings of homesickness are replaced with something a little darker; you're now convinced that you'll never completely fit in, that your spouse will probably never fully understand that nor would you even want to bring it up, and that you feel that you've given up something important back in Canada that you can't really articulate (a sense of ease?). Believe me, I count my blessings every day and if I could do it all over again, I would. Still, we're only human and we long for what is familiar. By 'familiar' I'm not talking about Tim Horton's but rather a collective sensibility/moral compass/quiet patriotism.

I worked in Japan for a little over a year back in the mid-90's. I went because it was a wonderful opportunity and because I had a lifelong fascination for all things Asian. After the initial honeymoon phase, I was shocked to find myself sullen, not caring if I did a good job, and counting the weeks until I could go back to Toronto. I met an American woman who worked in my village as a helicopter mechanic of all things and we became fast friends. She turned my attitude around and for that I will always be grateful. Her observation was that as one woman living in a misogynistic country for a year, I couldn't possibly "change the world" so I should accept that and enjoy the many unique and fascinating things about Japan, bascially to go with the flow and stop fretting about what was wrong with the place. Maybe I should be applying this lesson to my life here in the US.

What would you say to someone who is thinking about immigrating on a marriage-based visa? I would tell them it is a long, tedious process that will feel like an albatross around your neck and test your limits until it's over. On top of that, you'll miss your friends, family, and every last little thing about Canada. Those feelings may subside but they'll probably never completely go away. If you really think you're strong enough to handle it, log onto this forum and ask a ton of questions before filling out that first application. Just know what you're getting into.

Gal--please update us when you can. I'm sure we would all like to know how you're doing. Hugs.

Edited September 14, 2010 by CanAmCharlotte

[Tick Tock 3]

Increasingly, I am feeling like some sort of toy top. One that has been wound up until it can wind no further, but is not being released.

A few years ago, my best friend (Canadian) was engaged to a US fellow. Their plan was for him (USC) to come to Canada, get married, that sort of jazz (in whatever correct order of course!). I did my best to look up information that may help them on their own journey and was amazed at how easy the process seemed, in contrast to my own US journey - which still has me at the starting line! Things did not work out between them and so over time, I lost the information I had gathered for them.

Today, I started looking into Canadian Immigration once again - this time for my husband (USC). My husband holds no interest in this path, but this toy top is getting tired. It wants to spin rather than sit in some suspended animation. I figure, at the very least, compiling such information may aid with some sort of Plan B as Plan A has not yet started and when started, (I think) will go at a snail's pace.

Unfortunately, I don't know how feasible this would be even if my husband were to agree to this path by some miracle or another. I have no savings or assets to secure living arrangements for us immediately and I would be very surprised if the help my parents had offered regarding this path still was "valid" given their feelings on my marriage with my husband. I certainly could not ask my parents right now, since I am just dealing with extremely optimistic hypotheticals.

Frustrated, tightly-wound top signing out for now.

[cali321 1]

I find it very shocking that so many people from Canada would find it "hard" to adapt a new life in the USA. Afterall the two country are very similar in culture.

I mean, think about it, there are millions of new immigrants arriving North america every day, from all over the world, most of them don't even speak English, think about what those people have to go through, and compair it to your's.

I have lived and worked all over the world, I find US is the least "hard" place to immigrant to, we shall see. I guess "hard" is very subjective.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

I find it very shocking that so many people from Canada would find it "hard" to adapt a new life in the USA. Afterall the two country are very similar in culture.

I mean, think about it, there are millions of new immigrants arriving North america every day, from all over the world, most of them don't even speak English, think about what those people have to go through, and compair it to your's.

I have lived and worked all over the world, I find US is the least "hard" place to immigrant to, we shall see. I guess "hard" is very subjective.

Exactly, hard is subjective. What might be easy for you isn't easy for everyone. And while there are many other people who are moving from overseas from countries that don't even speak English... the fact that it's harder for them doesn't make it easier on anyone who's having a rough time. It's not fair to compare situations. Having a problem is still having a problem even if there are people out there who have it worse.

Canada and the US may be similar, but the US is still not "home". It's not where we were born and raised. No matter what the similarities, there are still enough differences that will remind you that this isn't where you come from. I've noticed it, and that's just from visiting. It's not a negative thing, it's something that needs time to adapt to. Some people adapt well, some people don't.

[Gemmie 142]

Not only is 'hard' subjective, but there are loads of things you need to consider why someone from Canada or another English-speaking country would have a hard transition. For instance, some are used to uprooting (such as yourself)so perhaps it wouldn't come as such a big shock to the system; some people have a bigger support system no matter where they come from (have you seen those Filipino communities?); some people move to a more rural area where diversity is strange; and some people even go through situations that make the transition more difficult. I know for a fact that I would be happier had I found a job and an apartment soon after moving. After all of this time and a huge string of bad luck within the family, everyone is finding it hard being here, especially me being from a different country with nothing of my own.

My brother told me the other day that I made a big mistake in moving to America because I haven't been able to find a job, stuff happened with my in-laws, family members died, etc... he told me that I should be back home with my family. I had to explain to him that my husband IS my family now too, and it's so simple to say in hindsight that a decision was stupid. Had I managed to get the job I was offered a few months ago and moved into our own apartment, I'm sure he would be praising me on my adventurous move. And anyway, as I told him, you take the bad with the good. I do have days where I sometimes think 'WHY did I come here?' as everything is going wrong, but you know what, things would be going wrong in some fashion had my husband moved to the UK, and I wouldn't expect people to criticize that either. It's an international situation, there are going to be hard times.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

In many ways it is precisely because the US and Canada are so similar that it is somewhat problematic to 'adjust'. The differences are often subtle so when you expect something to be the same or similar as it was back home, suddenly you find out it isn't. The differences are enough to unsettle your sense of equilibrium, your sense of self. You are off balance - and it is hard for others who are not in your circumstances to appreciate exactly what you are experiencing. I am very adaptable. I have moved and lived a number of places in my life. I fully anticipated no differences moving to the US and that is also why I am finding myself 'unsettled'. There are differences and they are not all minor. It is a mind-set - an actual approach to life - that is different in the US. I grew up with a Canadian mindset, a Canadian 'identity' and find that I prefer it to the American 'identity'. Part of that is the sense of familiarity with what you know, but part of it is also because the Canadian culture is different than the American culture. We look the same on the surface. We share a border. We share some history. We are major trading partners. No matter how many similarities there are though, Americans do not think like Canadians and Canadians do not think like Americans - and that is what is mainly unbalancing when you try to establish a new life here in the US. We may look like we are the same - but we definitely are not.

Edited September 23, 2010 by Kathryn41

[SpiritAlight 1]

Okay, forgive my jumping in here and only reading this last post since it's been a while and there are so many pages since I last read.

What you said Kathryn is so right on...a world of different philosophies and culture.

And it is disconcerting because on the surface there are so many similarities not to mention how comfortable most Canadians are with the U.S> being we travelled in and out all of our lives.

Living here is so very different than visiting, isn't it?

And so...

any immigration is huge.

Getting married is huge.

Moving is huge.

Finding new work with a new social number (as if we were just born) is huge.

There is so much...all huge!

So listen...

we all need to remember one thing:

BE GENTLE WITH OURSELVES

yes

(L) (L)