Anyone feel like they've made a huge mistake?

[Galateia 1]

First of all, I love my partner. We've been together 5 years and I cannot imagine not being where he is- I love him profoundly and cannot but see myself with him for the rest of my life. If I had to do this all over again to have him, I would.

That being said, I am beginning to think immigrating to the US was a huge mistake. I hate it here. I hate it here so much that I cry myself to sleep sometimes like a whiny dramaqueen with aspirations to soap opera stardom. Over the past few months, and most recently the 'vacation' we took to see his family, I have come to realize that my dream of continuing my schooling/career when I'm done serving my time in the US supporting him, is never going to happen. Despite all my mother's worry that I would become 'that girl' who abandons her dream to run off with a man, I have become exactly that. I never had any interest in marriage or family. My career was everything to me, and a 4 year departure has become a 10+ year detour that I cannot see ever getting back on track. You can pull 18 hour days when you are 25, but 35 not so much. At 30, I am a total bag of garbage if I haven't had 8+ hours of sleep, and my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be.

I feel like living here has desiccated all the parts of me that made me myself; I'm a husk of the woman my partner fell in love with, lugging around a worldview narrowed to mundane twaddle and completely devoid of positive personality traits, inspiration, creativity, or passion for anything. I find it hard to take his professed love for me seriously, because while I used to be confident of myself as a vivacious, colourful, firey personality, now I'm just a boring b!tch with no interest in anything. Nothing's left of the old me.

He feels tremendous guilt for bringing me here, and we're both trapped until he finishes his degree, so I can't confide in him without adding to his own distress. After 2 years, I can no longer comfort him effectively, because the fact is I am completely miserable here and feel like I've squandered all the promise my life had to offer. I detest children and don't want them, but now I find myself thinking things like I'm only fit produce some so at least my gifts won't be wasted as I've completely wasted them on my own life. I feel like I've sacrificed all the promise my own life had held to support his.

People's greatest aspiration is to have romantic bliss, but now I wonder if it's enough to keep a human being sustained. Is being in love worth losing who you are? How do you deal with becoming someone else, someone you don't recognize or respect?

I needed to get this off my chest. I've just admitted that I am giving up my dream within the last two weeks, and I'm struggling with the enormity of it.

I know that lots of women in this forum had to make huge sacrifice to come here, and wanted to reach out.

Edited July 28, 2010 by Galateia

[look2me40 0]

So why exactly can't you work or go to school?

[Galateia 1]

So why exactly can't you work or go to school?

I work a full time job to support us while he goes to school.

[CanAmBride 5]

I think you would greatly benefit from seeing a personal therapist and probably a couple's therapist as well.

[Sylvia y Radhames 2]

First of all I commend you on your courage to express your feelings the way you have. Your not the first or only woman, or person, who is going through or has gone through what you are feeling. Relationships are all about compromise...when we are single it's only about one person and it's easy to be all about you. But relationships are hard because you are now one of two...and we cannot control the others feelings or actions, all we can do is pray the other person puts us first and we in turn should put them first and things should flow because you make each other happy.

It sounds as though your in a process of building for each other, he's studying now and you sacrafice. You have to look at the big picture not just what your feeling on your end. I'm not saying that your wrong to look at things the way you are but everything is life is a matter of perception, glass half full - glass half empty so to speak. So with that said, you can look at all your giving up, at how you feel now in this moment or you can hold tight to the promise of what is to come, when its your turn to live the dream you wanted for you, with the man you love at your side. You definately have the ability to communicate your feelings which in itself is half the battle. If he loves you the way you love him that in itself should make holding on worth it. Don't stay in the moment of hard times now, snap out of it and invision the future you are building together. Don't give up...true love is so hard to come by and your journey is far from over...

A wise man once said "If your going through hell, KEEP GOING"! Be strong see the potential of what is to come and keep it going. God bless you and give you both the strength, patience and love to hold on.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

Sounds like depression setting in hun, see the doctor. Depression makes you feel like nothing will ever get better and that nothing brings you joy anymore. Some counseling and maybe antidepressants temporarily will help. Good luck!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Gal - it is very rough moving down here...we have about the same timeline and I know what you mean. When you first move (and not just then, but for a few years afterwards) you have just him to confide in. And of course if you're confiding about how much you hate where your life is right now, you feel guilty saying it to him. I get it totally...I am a few years ahead of you in life, but I've experienced the same feelings.

I lvoe my husband too...but part of me aches for what my life used to be....I was in control of it, I knew where I was headed in my career etc etc. It soudns like you feel exactly like that too.

The fact that you can recognize the state of mind you're in and evaluate it is good. Might you be mourning what might have been? Plan A is not going to flush out, but there are many ways of getting back to where you wanted to go. Sounds also like you wish you could take back the role you've assumed of supporting both of you while he finishes school.....I think it's ok to think that. Are you concerned once he begins work that you won't be able to return to school? I hope you can say that to your husband and he hears you for what you're trying to say. If you have a job with odd hours, you probably can't return to school...but maybe you can? I don;t know if your career path lends itself to part time education or distance learning. try 1 course to start and see how it goes.

Remember - you didn't get married so you can turn into a doting 50's wife girl! And for heaven sake - you're 30! You are a young, vibrant person with everything ahead of you. So much is going to happen and change over the next 10 years you won't even believe it....it's just hard to see right now and i get that. Make a plan and sit down and talk about it with the hubster...set a goal for 1 yr, or 2 yrs or 5 yrs from now and how you'll achieve it. You'll drop down to part-time work by X and start school by X, he will start full-time work by X, he will assume tghe support role by X when you go back full time to school if needed...that kind of thing.

I don't know what your personal social life is like (I mean outside of doing things with the husband) but I know mine is still lacking in finding good friends after almost 3 yrs. I have a few glimmers of hope that a few folks will become better friends. That would make a big difference for me if I could confide in a girlfriend everyonce in while down here. My BFF back home in Canada just doesn;t cut it when she's so far away

Romantic bliss is not enough to sustain a couple...you need solid successful things going on in each of your lives

Edited July 28, 2010 by Udella&Wiz

[Sprailenes 47]

I don't know what is wrong and I can't sit here and tell you that it sounds like this or that.

But if you're unhappy you need to somehow fix it, because no one should go through feeling like that.

You're not alone, many women and men come here and feel the exact same way you do. This is a good place to unload these kinds of feelings, because you are going to find many people who understand. I think even I have doubted myself at times, especially when things aren't going my way.

[Gemmie 142]

This is a timely post as this is how I've been feeling lately.

I had reservations about moving over here because my husband couldn't find a job no matter how hard he looked. I was worried that we would be stuck, and although he managed to get a job, it's practically minimum wage and not enough to support us. I've been looking for work as well for the past 6 months and although I've had a few bites, nothing has been successful. My plan was to get a job in my field, and then work for a while before starting a family, but now I'm considering going for my PhD. It takes 5 years which means my plans to have a family are greatly compromised, but I don't know what else to do. I CRAVE mental stimulation, and to feel like I'm learning and bettering myself. I'm feeling depressed staying at home everyday with his parents, and like you I don't have any interest in things anymore. I feel like a shell of my old personality who could talk for hours and stay positive during hard times. He doesn't know how to make me feel better, and he also feels guilty for not being able to find a job that supports us. I'm going to admit it, I do sometimes wonder if I made a mistake. A few times I have considered moving back to my country, but I honestly couldn't leave my husband as I love him so much, and I need us to be together. I can't imagine my life without him.

I don't really know what to tell you, other than you're not alone. Many people feel these things when they make the move, and I'm a firm believer that you need internal AND external things to feel better; you need the motivation and effort to carry on (internal) - but also the luck and reception from other people i.e. to help get a job or find friends (external). Right now it seems like you have every motivation to get yourself out of this situation, but are stuck without the practical things, like myself.

Is it possible you can hang on in there until he finishes school? How long does he have left? Because if there's an end goal, that means you can start planning the steps you need for your own life.

If you'd like to chat, you can message me and I'll give you my number. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who knows how you're feeling.

[Abby62 23]

I feel so much pain in your writing, I am sorry for it. I hope you find ways to make YOU happy. Try finding more friends, interests, exercise..etc. I left everything I know behind in Canada, career, friends, family, even my teenage sons for now. It's very hard and emotional. I am fortunate..very fortunate to have a husband who can sift through these emotions and break them down for me so they don't seem so big and a huge burden for me to carry on my own. I had to go on anti-depressants and they help..a ton!!! It's not a bad thing at all. These sad/bad moods can become a habit if you let it, so don't.

Many good wishes and hugs to you!

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I have been here over 6 years now and can so empathize with what you are feeling! Many of the same thoughts have and are going through my mind. I love my husband and we don't have the additional financial stress that you do, but I feel like there is no place for me here. I don't fit in. My world views are different than the majority of people with whom we interact and I find more often than not I have to 'bite' my tongue rather than say what I would really like to say, first because they wouldn't be able to 'hear' it and everyone would end up frustrated and annoyed, and second because even if they 'heard' it, they wouldn't understand. My husband is like this and as supportive as he is, he just doesn't understand the difference in culture that divides Canada and the US; the differences in life styles; the differences in expectations, the differences in ideology. We view the world so differently! There is so much anger and hate and violence - if not physical, then psychological and emotional - in this environment and I find myself living with fear far more than I ever have in my life. The fear isn't just from being in the US though - it is being in a relationship in the US. We are older and with the economic situation my husband who had hoped to retire this year now doesn't know when he will be able to afford to. I have not been able to find a job in my field in this area and we are tied to this area by my husband's job, so yes, all of my hopes, my talents, my abilities seem to have drifted off to the wayside. I was able to stay productive for the first little while but by now, I know that I too, feel little interest in doing much of anything. I do what I need to support the relationship but I find I just don't have it in me to do what supports me - and I find myself crying for my lost self. Yes, I am aware that I have had bouts of depression while here as well - something that never happened when I lived in Canada. There is a sense of loss of control over my life now. I can't make decisions for myself anymore but am tied into a relationship where both of us need to be considered - and it often seems to end up that my considerations and needs become less important. I am the 'support' person now, and it feels like I just don't make a difference anymore.

I have seriously thought of going back 'home' as well to get away from all the ugliness and fear that seems to be inherent in the US culture. I miss the sense of community, of friendliness, of caring neighbours, where people were concerned about each other and not just about themselves. I miss the kindness and the compassion and the curiosity about life where different cultures and experiences were causes of celebration, not condemnation. And then I feel guilty because everything looks so good on the surface here. Why should I be feeling like this? What right do I have to complain - I have everything - a nice home, a loving husband, all my current physical needs met - but in many ways these 'things' also become burdens. There are times I would just love to run away from everyone and every thing just to see if I can find myself again. I got lost somewhere over the last 6 years, so Galateia, I so very much understand how you feel, even though our circumstances are different.

[Galateia 1]

Thank you for the replies, everyone.

I think you would greatly benefit from seeing a personal therapist and probably a couple's therapist as well.

I agree. Even if we could afford it, which we can't, therapy is tricky as most of the therapists in town are his colleagues, and it's a fishbowl I can't pee in, so to speak. I am also not religious, so that rules out faith-based counselling. My insurance MAY cover a tiny portion if medically necessary, but as some of you know he will be working for the AF and I have been told by a current AF wife having issues that having a spouse with a "history of mental illness" even as innocuous as anxiety or depression will have very serious repercussions for him. Anything I do will have to be done without an official diagnosis in the mental health range. I have been waiting for 2 days to hear back on a doctor's appointment as I am going to ask her if there is anything she can do or suggest that won't put that stain on my medical record.

It sounds as though your in a process of building for each other, he's studying now and you sacrafice. You have to look at the big picture not just what your feeling on your end. I'm not saying that your wrong to look at things the way you are but everything is life is a matter of perception, glass half full - glass half empty so to speak. So with that said, you can look at all your giving up, at how you feel now in this moment or you can hold tight to the promise of what is to come, when its your turn to live the dream you wanted for you, with the man you love at your side. You definately have the ability to communicate your feelings which in itself is half the battle. If he loves you the way you love him that in itself should make holding on worth it. Don't stay in the moment of hard times now, snap out of it and invision the future you are building together. Don't give up...true love is so hard to come by and your journey is far from over...

Yes, we are. We are looking at another 3 years here, then 3 years minimum with the AF. I had thought that it would be hard living here, but this is so much worse than I expected. Even after 2 years, the culture shock is getting worse, not better. I can no longer bear any sort of external stressor, whether it's other people's company, dramatic music, tense moments in books, and it's to the point where I can't watch TV or movies because the slightest tension and I have leave the room- I never imagined Glee being too stressful for me to watch!! Sitting through the Sorcerer's Apprentice was as hard as Aliens vs. Predators was back in the day.

Holding tight to the promise of a bright future has gotten me through every torturous day of the last 2 years, but now that that dream is gone, there's only him left to hold on to, and that's not a sustainable way to live.

Sounds like depression setting in hun, see the doctor. Depression makes you feel like nothing will ever get better and that nothing brings you joy anymore. Some counseling and maybe antidepressants temporarily will help. Good luck!

I would absolutely take them if there was a way for me to get on them without an official diagnosis. Let's hope the doctor can pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Are you concerned once he begins work that you won't be able to return to school?

Correct. The school I had planned to go to, and have been working to get into since 2001, is completely immersive and days run from 8am to 10pm with just scheduled work, when you factor in transit time, eating, and homework, that works out to a very long day. I could handle that when I was in my early 20's, but there is no way I can handle it now. By the time we are in a position to refocus on me and my dreams, I will be 36 and at the current rate, in no shape for all-nighters and ongoing ultra long days.

Remember - you didn't get married so you can turn into a doting 50's wife girl! And for heaven sake - you're 30! You are a young, vibrant person with everything ahead of you. So much is going to happen and change over the next 10 years you won't even believe it....it's just hard to see right now and i get that. Make a plan and sit down and talk about it with the hubster...set a goal for 1 yr, or 2 yrs or 5 yrs from now and how you'll achieve it. You'll drop down to part-time work by X and start school by X, he will start full-time work by X, he will assume tghe support role by X when you go back full time to school if needed...that kind of thing.

6 years. 3 more here, 3 with the AF. I will be able to stop working once he's in the AF and will probably take correspondence classes and have hobbies again. For the next 3 years, it will be grind grind grind to provide for us. Considering I've become a hypersensitive, misanthropic, anxious, depressed mess who can't tolerate the nerve-scraping tension of a cooking show in just 2 years, and that was WITH clinging to my dreams, I am not sure how I am going to get through another 3 without them.

I don't know what your personal social life is like (I mean outside of doing things with the husband) but I know mine is still lacking in finding good friends after almost 3 yrs. I have a few glimmers of hope that a few folks will become better friends. That would make a big difference for me if I could confide in a girlfriend everyonce in while down here.

Mine's very much like yours. My exposure to people is limited to my workplace, and while I have one part-time friend (she's raising 2 young children on her own and doesn't have much free time) for the most part I am alone. I have some very casual acquaintances, but for the most part I am from another planet and the natives and I can't relate to one another much, to put it politely.

Romantic bliss is not enough to sustain a couple...you need solid successful things going on in each of your lives

Amen, amen, amen.

This is a timely post as this is how I've been feeling lately.

I had reservations about moving over here because my husband couldn't find a job no matter how hard he looked. I was worried that we would be stuck, and although he managed to get a job, it's practically minimum wage and not enough to support us. I've been looking for work as well for the past 6 months and although I've had a few bites, nothing has been successful. My plan was to get a job in my field, and then work for a while before starting a family, but now I'm considering going for my PhD. It takes 5 years which means my plans to have a family are greatly compromised, but I don't know what else to do. I CRAVE mental stimulation, and to feel like I'm learning and bettering myself. I'm feeling depressed staying at home everyday with his parents, and like you I don't have any interest in things anymore. I feel like a shell of my old personality who could talk for hours and stay positive during hard times. He doesn't know how to make me feel better, and he also feels guilty for not being able to find a job that supports us. I'm going to admit it, I do sometimes wonder if I made a mistake. A few times I have considered moving back to my country, but I honestly couldn't leave my husband as I love him so much, and I need us to be together. I can't imagine my life without him.

I don't really know what to tell you, other than you're not alone. Many people feel these things when they make the move, and I'm a firm believer that you need internal AND external things to feel better; you need the motivation and effort to carry on (internal) - but also the luck and reception from other people i.e. to help get a job or find friends (external). Right now it seems like you have every motivation to get yourself out of this situation, but are stuck without the practical things, like myself.

Is it possible you can hang on in there until he finishes school? How long does he have left? Because if there's an end goal, that means you can start planning the steps you need for your own life.

If you'd like to chat, you can message me and I'll give you my number. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who knows how you're feeling.

Thank you, just having someone empathizing helps. You're absolutely dead on about having the motivation but having the practical means out of reach. I'll shoot you a message.

[Galateia 1]

I have been here over 6 years now and can so empathize with what you are feeling! Many of the same thoughts have and are going through my mind. I love my husband and we don't have the additional financial stress that you do, but I feel like there is no place for me here. I don't fit in. My world views are different than the majority of people with whom we interact and I find more often than not I have to 'bite' my tongue rather than say what I would really like to say, first because they wouldn't be able to 'hear' it and everyone would end up frustrated and annoyed, and second because even if they 'heard' it, they wouldn't understand. My husband is like this and as supportive as he is, he just doesn't understand the difference in culture that divides Canada and the US; the differences in life styles; the differences in expectations, the differences in ideology. We view the world so differently! There is so much anger and hate and violence - if not physical, then psychological and emotional - in this environment and I find myself living with fear far more than I ever have in my life. The fear isn't just from being in the US though - it is being in a relationship in the US. We are older and with the economic situation my husband who had hoped to retire this year now doesn't know when he will be able to afford to. I have not been able to find a job in my field in this area and we are tied to this area by my husband's job, so yes, all of my hopes, my talents, my abilities seem to have drifted off to the wayside. I was able to stay productive for the first little while but by now, I know that I too, feel little interest in doing much of anything. I do what I need to support the relationship but I find I just don't have it in me to do what supports me - and I find myself crying for my lost self. Yes, I am aware that I have had bouts of depression while here as well - something that never happened when I lived in Canada. There is a sense of loss of control over my life now. I can't make decisions for myself anymore but am tied into a relationship where both of us need to be considered - and it often seems to end up that my considerations and needs become less important. I am the 'support' person now, and it feels like I just don't make a difference anymore.

I have seriously thought of going back 'home' as well to get away from all the ugliness and fear that seems to be inherent in the US culture. I miss the sense of community, of friendliness, of caring neighbours, where people were concerned about each other and not just about themselves. I miss the kindness and the compassion and the curiosity about life where different cultures and experiences were causes of celebration, not condemnation. And then I feel guilty because everything looks so good on the surface here. Why should I be feeling like this? What right do I have to complain - I have everything - a nice home, a loving husband, all my current physical needs met - but in many ways these 'things' also become burdens. There are times I would just love to run away from everyone and every thing just to see if I can find myself again. I got lost somewhere over the last 6 years, so Galateia, I so very much understand how you feel, even though our circumstances are different.

Every word in your post resonates with me- it makes me want to quote each line for emphasis! Having to stifle yourself all day every day is not healthy, and yet here we are, doing exactly that. I never imagined the strain of differing worldviews was so profound- people are very opinionated and not at all homogeneous in Canada, but this is more than my brain can handle. It's so insidious a difference sometimes, that it produces a general unease even when you can't pinpoint each subtle instance that is grating on you.

When we have lost ourselves and the things we used to have to sustain and define us are out of reach, what can we do? I don't want the things that people here use to sustain themselves, like children and Church. As over the top as the expression is, it really is like dying a little every day. It's a mental wasting disease.

[Tater&Bugger 3]

I agree with the others that you do need to talk to a professional... if you can't afford one and the people around all know you maybe there is a help line or something you could call, or create your own support group with people you meet that are going through similar things. I don't know what your dream is either but if you've exercised every possible option at reaching it and keep missing, look at what else there is. Find something to make your own. I don't have enough experience of knowledge on the subject itself, I am still in the beginning stages and where I will be moving is only 2hrs from my home in Canada, and I know the area and people very well.

I wish you the best and hope things only get better for you.

[chikarakobu 0]

Thanks for sharing your feelings and current situation. Couldn't have been easy to do. I haven't even left Canada yet (interview is in 2 weeks) and have already starting having feelings similar to yours. I went though some very dark times and still have a lot of ups and downs. I was (still am) very worried that I will blame everything I am unhappy about in the US on my husband, and that our marriage will fall apart because of that. Even now, I feel like I'm failing him as a wife because I'm so down at times. But I know I have to give this a chance.

I've met quite a few of his friends, and while they are nice people, I really don't think we relate to one another.

My situation is a bit different and it will turn into a novel if I write it all here but basically, I had to wait 3 years before we could even apply for the IR-1. During the 3 years, we naively thought I could try and find a work sponsor so we could at least be together. Obviously that didn't work. My work in Canada has this anonymous counselling thing and to be honest, it didn't really do much for me when I went there. That might've just been the counsellor I saw, though.

I don't know what else to say other than you are definitely not alone, and that I hope things will turn better for you. I do hope you get your "turn" to fulfill your academic/career goals in the future.