Married 9 months (not going well) what do I do?

[thongd4me 69]

Hmm. Most of the posters have contradicted my points, although none has actually argued against them.

Remember that, as some have said, you cannot change her. You can encourage her to change, and she can change, with a lot of arduous work. She may or may not change. What's it to you? Did you marry her considering her like a dog? Of course not. You didn't sign a contract with her, you made a commitment to her. What I love about Americans is that (most of the time) they consider there words and there commitments and hold fast to them even though it hurts. I miss that so much about the US and believe that such honesty and dedication is what made America the great nation that it has become. Let's hope things don't go farther in the other direction than they already have. I am going against the grain of what almost everyone else has said here, but: Be a man. Honor your commitment....

Hope springs eternal, but the reason most said she can't change is that statistically there is very little chance she will.

I went into my first marriage primarily with the view that I believed she could change with large doses of patience and pretty much

going along with everything she asked for.

When I married my current wife, we both knew we weren't getting perfection, but we both decided that what we got was great.

Most married couples try to change their partners in some way or another, but the fact that the other person doesn't change

can't be a major issue.

The cementing elements of marriage are unconditional love and trust.

When one or both of those are broken, that's a major patch-up job.

Kevin Bacon said: "Keep the sex dirty and the fighting clean."

No couple is free of differences but there are choices to make regarding how to deal with them.

[frank2009 1]

If you only want advice about your leagal obligattions, you have been informed by other members already. It is unfair to give you a "marriage consultation" based on a one-sided story. I wish somehow she would add an honest writeup of her point-of-view about you and your marriage. It's OK she can type in Thai. Are you up to it OP?

All I know is that if she is really as bad of a person as you have pictured her for us, then you would not be asking others what you need to do about your marriage. Maybe you are looking for some artificial support to clear your conscious? From what I have read so far, she is being abused in this marriage, not just by you, but most likely also by two innocent children who are naturally influenced by your thoughts, attitude, and prejudices. No wonder she rather spend her time with the dogs.

Just the fact that she is asking for 50/50, is representative of her strong character who refuses to be abused in a 100/0 relationship. You are sending a few bucks to her family, big deal, it doesn't mean she has to be your slave. If anybody thinks they can go marry a girl from a poor family so they can continue their abusive behavior, .....dead wrong! And just the fact that you keep rubbing it in her face about airplane ticket back to Thai on Aug 30th, so that she can cry more and beg you more, tells me what kind of a mentality you may have.

If she was being treated fairly in her current relationship, she would never call her EX. How do you know what they talked about? Be careful, maybe her EX told her to go file for a restraining order against you due to mental abuse.

[Fandango 1,439]

If you only want advice about your leagal obligattions, you have been informed by other members already. It is unfair to give you a "marriage consultation" based on a one-sided story. I wish somehow she would add an honest writeup of her point-of-view about you and your marriage. It's OK she can type in Thai. Are you up to it OP?

All I know is that if she is really as bad of a person as you have pictured her for us, then you would not be asking others what you need to do about your marriage. Maybe you are looking for some artificial support to clear your conscious? From what I have read so far, she is being abused in this marriage, not just by you, but most likely also by two innocent children who are naturally influenced by your thoughts, attitude, and prejudices. No wonder she rather spend her time with the dogs.

Just the fact that she is asking for 50/50, is representative of her strong character who refuses to be abused in a 100/0 relationship. You are sending a few bucks to her family, big deal, it doesn't mean she has to be your slave. If anybody thinks they can go marry a girl from a poor family so they can continue their abusive behavior, .....dead wrong! And just the fact that you keep rubbing it in her face about airplane ticket back to Thai on Aug 30th, so that she can cry more and beg you more, tells me what kind of a mentality you may have.

If she was being treated fairly in her current relationship, she would never call her EX. How do you know what they talked about? Be careful, maybe her EX told her to go file for a restraining order against you due to mental abuse.

I *heart* n00bs.

No, not really.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

If she was being treated fairly in her current relationship, she would never call her EX. How do you know what they talked about? Be careful, maybe her EX told her to go file for a restraining order against you due to mental abuse.

This may come as a shock to you, but people cheat ALL THE TIME and it's rarely because they're being abused. In fact, if the girl WAS being abused it's more than likely she wouldn't contact the ex out of fear of retribution from her "abusive" spouse. So.. mmm no, your theory is supremely flawed.

Please try and keep your personal situation out of the OP's topic. Yes we're only hearing one side of the story and NO his partner CANNOT write in Thai on here, it's not permitted in the upper forums, she could in the Thai regional one though. We can and have given the OP options based on his posts.

Whether you like it or not it appears the OP feels taken advantage of because he has money. You might not like it (and you're quite obvious in your disapproval) but that's not the point of this thread/forum/website.

[justashooter 430]

This may come as a shock to you, but people cheat ALL THE TIME and it's rarely because they're being abused. In fact, if the girl WAS being abused it's more than likely she wouldn't contact the ex out of fear of retribution from her "abusive" spouse. So.. mmm no, your theory is supremely flawed.

Whether you like it or not it appears the OP feels taken advantage of because he has money. You might not like it (and you're quite obvious in your disapproval) but that's not the point of this thread/forum/website.

people who are actually being abused in a relationship normally take 3-4 times as long to find a new relationship after the old one ends as people who are not. people who use overlapping relationships as a crutch are not being abused. the human psyche just cannot work that way.

people who demand 50% of something they have not participated in earning are just plain conniving, selfish, and greedy.

people who pander to them are just plain stupid.

[rlogan 2,036]

In fairness to Hyena, he was citing the bigotry of the elite in Thailand, not his own, in the statement he made about "darkies". This bigotry is real in Thailand.

I think you understand, Hyena that they do not steal because they are poor. They are poor because they steal.

She's a manipulator, including the recent crocodile tears.

Finance 101 is to forget sunk cost. Get her out of your life ASAP. Forget about feeling sorry for her needing to save face. Forget about whatever poverty she will face. Those are emotional blackmail points, not legitimate concerns of yours. She isn't acting like a spouse.

Yes, the potential financial liability is daunting. Do your best to minimize that risk of course, but it should not be the reason for sacrificing the rest of your life.

Plenty of wonderful ladies out there.

[thongd4me 69]

Finance 101 is to forget sunk cost. Get her out of your life ASAP. Forget about feeling sorry for her needing to save face. Forget about whatever poverty she will face. Those are emotional blackmail points, not legitimate concerns of yours.

She isn't acting like a spouse.

Yes, the potential financial liability is daunting. Do your best to minimize that risk of course, but it should not be the reason for sacrificing the rest of your life.

Plenty of wonderful ladies out there.

The huge difference between my current & my ex is that a real wife is on YOUR TEAM

and you know that's a fact Jack 24/7.

[Robert B 1]

Wouldn't her emails to her ex prove that she did not enter this marriage in good faith? Now if it was him sending the emails she would be entering under good faith.... I think there is a case to be made if you can somehow string the pre- and post-marriage time lines with her and her ex together, as long as you can prove she didn't enter on good faith.

Also, what do you expect she would do knowing you are throwing her #### on the plane on the 30th? That she would stick with her old ways? Of course not, her main concern is not going back (and from what I've read) this will be at any cost possible..... I would make it sound different, I would tell her that you will go with her on the 30th to work things out, and actually go with her. Book yourself a nice 5 day stay in one of the resorts (prices shouldn't be too bad as it is somewhat out of the season). As soon as you land you say goodbye, take a cab to the resort, and on your way you cancel her return ticket (or maybe do this in the bathroom at the airport in Thailand).

Keep in mind that everything I say is based on what YOU have told us, I don't know her story, and it is my experience there is usually two sides to the same story. That having been said, I do believe you are being used by her. Think long and hard about what you're going to do. If you honestly feel that she is this person that you made her out to be, don't feel bad for sending her back into poverty. She had her chance, and she blew it.

[DanielParul 50]

Pity and getting her out of poverty - Wrong reason to get married.

Not wanting her to go back to the poverty - Worse reason to stay married.

[GnE Walker 2]

Marriage is family and all the trimmings. kids, weddings,engagement parties, funerals, someone's in the hospital, . retirements, graduations, wedding parties, all of those things are part of a marriage......inside or out streets... ask yourself how real your marriage feels..........Loving with eyes wide open and seeing her character, what kind of woman she is. Does she tell you just what you want to hear or mush-mush stuff to pacify you or is your relationship based on you, her, your family, her family, friends, events of the day or is it what she is going to do and what dreams she wants to live WHEN she gets the Visa and come here???....but Only she will know this. It's easy for me being the immigrant and KNOWING I would never claim anything that wasn't fair if my husband ever divorced me and left me stranded with nothing... but then I also know he would never do that. It's not in his nature, even when angry he would never do anything to hurt me.

I hope you can rest your mind and know in your heart marriage is a commitment and should be for life, but for somebody is a fun temporary game. I take it very seriously. Some immigrants aren't after money and don't care, but we all know how divorce can affect people and make them change....and for last somebody are poor dont for money is question mentality.

[frank2009 1]

This may come as a shock to you, but people cheat ALL THE TIME and it's rarely because they're being abused. In fact, if the girl WAS being abused it's more than likely she wouldn't contact the ex out of fear of retribution from her "abusive" spouse. So.. mmm no, your theory is supremely flawed.

Please try and keep your personal situation out of the OP's topic. Yes we're only hearing one side of the story and NO his partner CANNOT write in Thai on here, it's not permitted in the upper forums, she could in the Thai regional one though. We can and have given the OP options based on his posts.

Whether you like it or not it appears the OP feels taken advantage of because he has money. You might not like it (and you're quite obvious in your disapproval) but that's not the point of this thread/forum/website.

I joined this board to be a part of a community where individuals and couples can get advice on how to follow and complete “legal” processes for obtaining visa for their loved ones. Throughout this thread, I see that a human being is talked about as if she is an appliance, and her family is referred to as “worse than dogs”, and entire communities are being color labeled with words such as “blackies”, all of which have racial and abusive implications. As an American, I am offended by this. And I see emotional responses supporting tricky plans and schemes on how to deprive someone from exercising their legal rights (plans such as make her board the plane under false pretenses, take her out of the country and dispose her on the other side), as opposed to handling this unfortunate situation by established legal processes. There is a court system in this country that protects victims of fraud. All one has to do is to follow the legal process to prove that she has committed fraud.

I apologize to everyone that in my earlier reply I went to the extremes in order to express my objection to this thread in its entirety. I was merely attempting to point out other possible situations as to why it is not fair to be both the judge and the jury (which by the way, I realize that there is a strong probability that none of those situations apply to this case).

With all that said, I am sure we all will be happy to hear that marital issues have been resolved and a relationship that has taken up so much time and effort, has been saved.

[Fandango 1,439]

I joined this board to be a part of a community where individuals and couples can get advice on how to follow and complete "legal" processes for obtaining visa for their loved ones. Throughout this thread, I see that a human being is talked about as if she is an appliance, and her family is referred to as "worse than dogs", and entire communities are being color labeled with words such as "blackies", all of which have racial and abusive implications. As an American, I am offended by this.

your reading comprehension skills suck, Frank.

[rlogan 2,036]

Wouldn't her emails to her ex prove that she did not enter this marriage in good faith?

It would have to be in context of a lot of other things, and these are not outright indicative of fraud. He has a bad marriage, basically.

Pity and getting her out of poverty - Wrong reason to get married.

Since the OP didn't say that maybe you can stop injecting your little hobby horse into it.

[DanielParul 50]

It would have to be in context of a lot of other things, and these are not outright indicative of fraud. He has a bad marriage, basically.

Since the OP didn't say that maybe you can stop injecting your little hobby horse into it.

Why don't you offer a little advice to the OP for a change instead of talking 'all the books I have read and hence I know more' cr@p.

You love to offer your judgement on every member here so get off your pretentious high horse.

[gina_raluca 14]

You love to offer your judgement on every member here so get off your pretentious high horse.

Off-topic: I think the same is valid for you