No Vawa or Domestic Violence Help for Men in NJ

[UglyNerdManVJ 7]

Greetings all who read,

I have gotten alot of help and ideas as to how to get help and get my evidences through this forum only. I want to describe my journey with you as a male person trying to get Domestic violence, and Vawa Help to no avail with what resources were available through the means that a woman would normally go but a male could not. I just hope to God i am not discriminated against on my Vawa petition which I am sending with a MALE pro-bono lawyer's help after searching for help for almost two years.

This is Very long and I apologize ahead of time.

I been in the USA since age 1, Never committed a crime besides Jaywalking but I've never been citing or fined for it. My paperwork to my dismay never went through because my mom would not seek higher justice against her lawyers for making errors on her petitions. that affected me negatively. didnt really find out about this till 18-19 when trying to join military.

Regardless i went to school here from prek-Highschool, some college. Was a good student, Good person, no crimes. bad health though but never asked for public assistance. up to age 23.

Alright i met my wife in 2006. Were friends in school. Had a romantic relationship in 2007, Let her move in with me because she was having generally bad problems involving various types of abuse from family. i felt like a hero saving her and i was romantic and a good friend. My wife pushed for a relationship more than i did and once in a relationship i did my best to make it work. I got rid of female friends because they made my wife paranoid and jealous and i just stopped going out as much period so i could be home for her. i stopped going to college instead using my money for us to live off and for her benefit to be comfortable, she didn't have to pay for anything really except her own cellphone. I even stopped my cellphone service and was put on her plan.

There was violence from her against me when she was frustrated, Including punching, kicking, shoving pushing kneeing elbowing etc. There was also vulgar language and defamation of character. A ####### injury also which lasted from before the marriage till months after it. regardless I did my best to make things work, When i couldn't take anymore abuse at times and wanted out she would threaten to kill herself if i left her. I couldn't really leave the relationship and honestly I didn't want to i just wanted it to get better. It didn't.

But for awhile some things seemed up i had believed her defamation was resolved and honestly spoken up for. She pushed for a marriage, I didn't. i wanted our relationship to work first. But she had convinced me she loved me and that was it. We agreed orally before we got married that this was forever, she was going to get counseling for her problems both family and the ones with us, hitting lying and general abuse would stop and be worked on, that she was going to actually clean her room which she never did since she moved in(it was a pigsty) and that we would get medical and dental insurance and that she would work out so that we could join the Air-force together as a joint couple. She would work in linguistics and i would hopefully work in medical and study law. That seemed to be where our futures lay. We got married in a courthouse/townhall whatever it was.

Once we got married, DiFFERENT story!

Violence returned when she was frustrated, My health Plummeted, I was in and out of emergency room for breathing problems, i had to get nasal reconstruction and tonsils removed no medicine could help me i needed surgery. She was neglectful to me cold, mean at times, violent randomly, i couldnt talk to she was in control of finances and she would ultimately leave me alone and go off and take all the money leaving me with none. i remember she wouldnt even give me a $1.50 for cold cuts. She wouldnt pay the bills etc. she just did what she wanted with the money. I also felt she was cheating. after being in much pain, physically emotionally and healthwise plus i was halluctnating because of my condition. I just couldnt take anymore. I felt trapped.

I attempted to commit suicide. i was taken of my noose by my wife who found a note i left her saying "im sorry on the side of the tv" I told her why, and i told her i wanted help. First she made me promise not to do it again and I did and I always keep my promises. Then said i wanted to get help and she told me, "No i dont want anyone to know about me i dont want anyone knowing that i hit you, i dont want anyone to know what I've done" If you tell anyone ill leave you.

To me that meant deportation. I didn't seek help for fear of being deported. I couldnt go to the police, i remember talking to an officer on the street and he eve said that if my wife lies even if i call from her hitting me, id get locked up instead. Not only that everyone told me to not call the police because i was an immigrant and instilled fear in me. So theres the fear of being a man seeking police help and having anyone believe you Ontop of the fact that I am an immigrant.

flash forward past my surgery. things look up a tiny bit but we have to move out of the apt. we argue because she isn't living up to her responsibilities and her room is still a mess which she never cleaned since she moved in. She slept in used my room mostly. I got cursed out by the landlord for her leaving her underwear and leaving the place dirty after it was cleaned etc, Were supposed to move out, long story short we got in a disagreement. She didnt want to mopve with me to moonachie she wanted to live with her mother in her mothers house which i was explained to previously as a mad house. she went to her mothers, i was sick at the time but i went to her mother's and we reconciled. I agreed to live with her at her mother's house till we could financially recover and move out again.

Next thing that happens is i am assualted verybally with threats to my life by her friend. my wife changes into a different person. i am accused of abusing my wife in many ways making her pay for everything even thought truthfully she paid for nothing and she lived off me for free. i learned she was in 3000 dollars credit debt and it was all my fault? all sorts of nonsense and lies and threats to me and she tries to hit me multiple times but i move away. Please realize im sick weak and post op. my wife supports her friend. i was called the N word for a period of 2 hours. I would ask my wife if this is true and in a different voice she would say yes. I would say this is crazy and would attempt to leave her mother's house and my wife would physically bar and push me away. i was to weake to escape.

So after being yelled at for 2 hours and defamed and all this nonsense. I looked at the cellphone clock so i knew it was over 2 hours. i was finally let to go home. my wife wanted to go with me, her friend said no etc etc, she talked to her friend while i went outside. we went to our apt. we talked. My wife thought i was going to leave her so she took old problems and spiced them up to an extreme. my wife admitted to framing me out to be all sorts of things i wasn't such as an abuser etc. I told my wife i would forgive her on the condition that she tell the truth to everyone. I explain i want to go to the police and get help and to put a restraining order on her friend. she tells me these things, no one will believe me because im a man, she will lie for her friend, if i do anything to threaten her relationship with her friend she will leave me and not file my paperwork.. im sad but ill do anything to continue our relationship and she tells me shell tell her friends the turth. i learn her friend spreads it to her family. my wife confirms it with her family and continues the framing. I cant live with her at her mothers as theres threats of violence from her friends and her family now and michelle would tell me.

I have never having flashbacks of being assaulted my life threatened, my wife barring me, being called the N word for two hours being screamed and yelled at screamed at, being defamed having my wife sit there with someone and lie about me and find out all these lies that my wife is telling and that she was lying to me about many things. im weak im sick, i cant leave. This has stuck with me till this very day i write this.

So i move to moonachie i have to live somewhere. My wife lives with me and by other mother's as she pleases. Im also sick still and need my second surgery,. i delay my surgery by giving her money for my surgery for her cellphone bill. throughout dec- may i still am defamed my wife switches personalities from hot to cold to threatening and threatening me with abandonment, not to file my paperwork or to leave me if i didn't do or acted as she liked. i couldnt be sad, i couldnt be mad, i would have nightmares about the framing and assault and i would wake up screaming especially if my wife was next to me, she told me forget about it or ill leave you, i couldnt get help or shed leave me. i try my best to make things work. I find out shes been dating other people while we were married. Initially she told me she cheated once and got a std check and i was willing to forgive her then she told me she cheated multiple times dated other people, told me things like the people she cheated on me with were all lesser than me and didnt have a good reason for cheating and that she lied about getting std checked, i had also developed immense pain in my groin and ####### area and it burned when i peed. Anyways all this craziness mental abuse defamation cheating dating other people and she says i just have to forget about it and move on..... yeah uh..

My mom had to pay for a urologist as my wife never got any health insurance i also had 5 broken teeth and she never got any dental insurance up to then. i was depressed abused mistreated. i got some medicine called doxoclyclin i believe? anyways a month later i got my testing done. and i still had pain a month later so they did fluid from my semen and they found i had bacteria in my prostate. if i did have a std it was probably cleared up by the medicine before i had a chance to document it but i did have a Prostate infection and symptoms of a uti. it got cleared up eventually staying on the medicine.

i got sick of the abuse eventually and told my wife i couldn't take no more abuse and once again like the norm she threatend me with divorce and went all crazy cept this time i wasnt having it. i didnt care anymore. I had begun recording my phone conversations with my wife.

This is what i have on tape/cd/dvd etc: Her admitting to framing me,defamation of character, her friend who assaulted me dates a drug dealer, her cheating, her demands of me to get my status making my marriage out to be like some business deal which i flat out refused. ALOT of conversation. I wanted a marriage in faith i didnt give a damn about my paperwork honestly but i needed it to make our marriage work? anyways i agreed to no deal. it was make the marriage work or nothing. Thats what it was for me and thats how it stands till this day. I got plenty of evidence to support that. i ask her to stop contacting me and she keeps calling and even goes as far as telling my father she is worried because i tried to commit suicide etc and that she just wants to help me and i wont talk to her. i tell my dad about my abuse and he doesnt really support me at all. he think i should do what my wife says, i refuse. i get no help or support from family. anyways she calls over and over and over and over, sometimes i let the ringer on off but i cant incase of emergence or my mom or dad call me or its important. anyways she keep calling me i keep hanging up. this never stops. with no help from my family or support and my wife harassing me and my health and depression getting to the extreme and me feeling like ill get deported i start to crack up. with my wife thretaning divorce starting on her own based of my knowledge as we hadnt been apart i felt she was going to frame me and do a fault based divorce. i begged my family for help so i could afford a lawyer so i could file for extreme cruelty and fight false charges if they came up. they kept screwing me over and playing games with me and telling me i should do my wifes deal and telling me its all my fault.

OK ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. i have tried to get HELP in 2009, i have tried to call the national domestic hotline many many many times i have told my story over and over and over. i have called everything and everyplace they gave me. i also scheduled for a meeting with CIS in newark to get help because i felt extorted for my status and i was abused and i was scared to go to the police. I thought i was going to get to see a immigration officer. I just saw some lady in a booth, it was embarrasing explaining my abuse i went through with my wife on a line with ppl behind me to someone behind a glass booth. She gave me some mental health printout stuff and places i could go for help and she gave me a i-360 application and explained i was to file under battered spouse and it was called VAWA. i tried going to a social worker and paying for her sessions but she couldnt understand that anything was abuse even if my wife was hitting me? shes asking how is that abuse! and every session she would like forget everything and it was like i had to start over from square one. i went for alot of sesssions but ultimately gave up as i felt she was a waste of money and my time. she couldnt see any abuse even from hitting because she was a woman and she seemed only concerned that i was here for 22+ years and still with no status and it became a help my immigrantion status event. i wanted to be treated like a person who needed help dealing with spousal abuse!

ANYWAYS, I CALLED ALL OF THESE PLACES. ALL THESE PLACES ONLY CATERED TO WOMEN. I EXPLAINED MY STORY OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND IT KILLED ME INSIDE AND THEY SAID AWW THATS TOO BAD BUT WE DONT HELP MEN HERE. VAWA HELP WAS KNOWN AND DONE BY THE SOCIAL WORKERS AT THE SHELTERS AND THE SHELTERS ONLY SUPPORT WOMEN, THERE IS NO MALE SHELTERS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET SHELTER IS TO GO TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER AND YOU CANT REALLY DO THAT WITH NO DOCUMENTATION AND BEING AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT EVEN THEN? THERES NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP OR SOCIAL WORKER OR ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THE HECK VAWA IS. YOU CANT GO TO THE POLICE AS A MAN BECAUSE ALL A WOMAN HAS TO DO IS LIE AND BEING AN IMMIGRANT MAKES IT WORSE. I TRIED TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER WITH MY EMAILS, EVIDENCE OF ABUSE BY MY RECORDINGS, THE OFFICER WOULDNT REVIEW ANY OF IT AND EXPLAINED THAT MY WIFE THREATENING TO DIVORCE ME, EVEN AS I EXPLAINED IT WAS A TOOL FOR HER TO ABUSE ME, I HAD THREATNINGS OF BEING FRAMED AND THERE WAS ABUSE CONSTANTLY, HE SAYS, ITS HER RIGHT TO DIVORCE YOU IF SHE WANTS TO. I GAVE UP, I FELT HIS GUY WAS AN IDIOT WHO WAS BIAST AGAINST ME BECAUSE I WAS AN IMMIGRANT.

I COULDNT GET NO RELIEF. I COULDNT STOP HER FROM CALLING, I WAS AFRAID SHED COME BY ME, I COULDNT GET A RESTRANING ORDER EVEN WITH A HISTORY OF ABUSE WHICH I EXPLAINED AND I WAS TOLD ALOT OF THE ABUSE WAS HER RIGHT! BY SOMEONE OF THE LAW WHO RECOMMENDS TO THE JUDGE WETHER I GET MY RESTRAINING ORDER! I GAVE UP I DIDNT WANT A JUDGE TELLING ME ITS MY WIFES RIGHT TO ABUSE ME AND USE MY IMMIGRATION STATUS AS A TOOL TO ABUSE ME WITH, SO I DELCINED SEEING THE JUDGE.

I COULDNT DO ANYTHING.

I FINALLY EXPLAINED TO THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE NO WHERE SHELTERS OR TAKES MEN OR EVEN COUNSELS THEM! SHE TOLD ME ADV IN HACKENSACK DOES. I FINALLY CALL. I EXPLAIN, THEY ASK ME IF IM THE ABUSER FIRST! GOD I WANTED TO DIE. I EXPLAIN MY SITUATION WHAT HAPPEND EVERYTHING THAT HAS GONE ON THROUGH AND THROUGH AND THEY SAYS THEYLL GET BACK TO ME. SOMEONE GETS BACK I GO FOR COUNSELING TWICE A WEEK, ALL THE LITERATURE I HAVE TO READ DESCRIBE THE MAN AS THE ABUSER. MY WIFES STILL HARRASING ME THROUGH EMAILS AND THREATNING ME WITH DIVORCE AND GIVING ME A DEADLINE OF 15 DAYS TO DO MY PAPERWORK WITH HER BY WHICH REQUIRES I GIVE HER MOTHER 1000 DOLLARS OR SHELL START THE DIVORCE HERSELF, I REFUSE AND IGNORE IT STATE MY REASONS WHICH ARE JUST REPEATEDLY ASK HER TO LEAVE ME ALONE. SHES STILL EMAILING AND CALLING.

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I HAVE PAIN IN MY GROIN, I CAN HARDLEY BREATHE RIGHT ANYMORE, I CANT EAT, I CANT SLEEP, I CANT GET HELP, I CANT ESCAPE, I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECK IS VAWA! I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET HELP WITH IT IF THE PLACES THAT HELP WITH IT TOLD TO ME BY THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE IS FOR WOMEN ONLY! IM SUPPOSED TO CALL AMERICAN FRIENDS IN NEWARK NJ ACCORDING TO MY COUNSELOR AND THEY PUT ME AROUJND THE RINGAROUND THAT THEYLL CALL ME OR THE LADYS NOT THERE AND THEN SHE SOUNDS LIKE COMPLETELY FAKE LIKE SHE DOESNT GIVE A DAMN AND TELLS ME SHES NOT TAKING MORE CLIENTS. I CANT TAKE ANYMORE I DONT UNDERSTAND! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO! WHERE DO I GET HELP?! WHY CANT ANYONE HELP ME. IM CRACKING UP. i tell my counselor at ADV.

I HAVE CRACKED.

she tells me to go to Bergen regional and check myself in or emergency people will sign me in. COINCIDENTALLY... I CHECK IN ON MY ANNIVERSARY OF MY WEDDING...

anyways. the nurse listens to all my abuse and i explain and show what injuries i can. even she tries to minimize my abuse. i get sent to some chair after her exam and i hear her tell other nurses, "his wife does beat him up" and they're all laughing! I WANT TO DIE AT THIS POINT. i walk in circles endlessly. i see someone i go through this whole weird procedure, anyways i remeber telling him what i saw. and all i would see and i have always been seeing this for months now is flashbacks of abuse that i went through, i didnt say flashbacks of abuse i say what happend and what was going on.

for me its like it replays in front of my eyes. the world isnt there im stuck in my memory.

Anyways im in the mental ward now for two months. somewhere along the second month i finally get to talk to the social worker and he doesn't really help or council me... the guy just tells me i need to get therapy and he wants me to move somewhere away from my wife and to not contact her and find somewhere where you will be safe. I gotta say i have had multiple female staff minimize my situation.. no women can accept that a woman abuses a man. they just say thats too bad and act like its not abuse. im glad many men in the hospital who heard my story stuck up for me. The psychologist doesn't really council or help you, i just had some bald Arabian dude who looked like captain Picard from star trek saying, " what are your symptoms" or something like that and would write on a chart while i was on my bed and leave after like 3 minutes.

It is like it is. a woman hits a man, he did something wrong or its ok, a man hits a woman or even yells at her for the same reasons or even lesser reasons with less severity and its domestic violence.

anyways leaving the hospital i reverted back to feeling sick being sick mentally and physically. in the hospital; i couldn't continue my prostate infection drugs even though i told em. they didn't let me have em or give me stuff. so my infection returned. not as bad as before but pain and uti symptoms there. no support from family, i had pushed away my friends for my wife and they were sick of hearing of my abuse also and me being sad.

i tried getting better at my new residence... before i went to my new residence i went to my old one... guess what? my wife was still chain calling and hanging up or listening to me breathe or just calling! any emails she sent i would delete. i finally moved. i didn't improve. i still tried to get help. I went to christian community charities and the lady told me write about my stuff with my wife and i did, she didnt respond for weeks and i had to get on it. she ultimately said she couldnt help me because someone was having a baby or some nonsense and she said my case was too extreme and i needed to cut out a few details.. HELLO im a victim of abuse i dont know what to do im seeking help! she said i cant help you after wasting weeks of my time and to file it myself. i didnt know what to do... all throughout this time my wife is threatning to divorce me in emails, makes no sense to me as we havent had enough time for irreconcilable differences so i feel shes threataning me with more false accusations and shes saying or do you want to work something out. i keep saying no and why and ask that she doesnt email me. she keeps emailing me for months sayings shes gonna file the divorce shes gonne file the divorce. anyways back to getting help

There was no male counselor at the hospital! so i couldn't get therapy and i still haven't gotten counseling or therapy. im now only re getting counseling at ADV as i couldn't find it anywhere else. i tried to re get help from american friends i was turned down once again and told they had funding cuts. i tried a place the american friends lady told me to go to in jersey city, i went there confirmed a appointment was told a date and time, then they werent there and they had mixed up the dates of my appointment. i said no problem they promised to call me to reschedule. i made sure to call for updates, after a a week or 2 i was informed they couldnt take new cases. Just wasting my time more places... i call LEGAL Services of NJ and they help me with filing for divorce yourself help and finally getting in touch with social services for help for various medical problems. Their VAWA help! the lady was mean as hell unsympathetic and basically yelling at me and telling me how am i gonna prove my wifes a citizen how and i gonna prove anything, she didnt offer advice or help or any solution as to how i was gonna get stuff for my vawa petition she expected i already know what required and how to get it.... How the hell.. i gave up on that lady after too much bossyness. i did my own research online and through this forum visajourney i collected evidence with the same methods other people used. i start to call adv and reschedul;e to go back. still beg my family for divorce money and help to no avail. I cant file for myself when i look@ the forms and think of the abuse i would zone out and want to cry i was and still am depressed and have PTSD. The Vawa forms are even more confusing being a mentally battered person. I finally find someone in Union city and he is male and he will look@ my case.

because of all the yelling and rejection and everything i started to feel i should file on my own so even though i had and still have limited idea of what im doing so far i have obtained these during the course of seeing this guy,

Im waiting on a Social worker report from the people i been getting abuse counseling from since 2009 and still seeing. he requested it from legal section of the place. its been over a month and the lady also just went to vacation and just came back so i dont know when ill ever see their DV report but im hoping this is coming.

I have docement of release from hostpital and diagnosis stating Spousal abuse and axiety, treatment, and that i am suffering from post severe recurrent and the medications they use and orders for followup treatment* hes is taking this*

I have my marriage certificate * gave to him*

I have Obtained my wife's birth certificate, *hes taking this*

I have all the emails my wife ever sent me * hes only taking the ones that show where i felt extorted*

I have my recordings of her admission of cheating lying and framing i took incase she framed/defamed me in a worse way such as legally *hes taking those its in dvd form with a sound file guide*

I finally found mail thanks to my dad a week or so ago of mail addressed at our mutual residence * hes taking that*

Background check i ordered on my wife to show her past residence * taking that*

Just got wedding photos from best-man only three and pictures of best-man his wife me and my wife before marriage as friends * going to give to him*

I did call two friends when abuse happened and they are witness to yelling screaming and neglect * giving him their affidavits i now got em*

Another more complex background report on my wife *gonna give it to him* both are nortarized.

affidavit from my mom about my abuse and that my wife lived with me and she payed for our apartment and utilities and general bills with allowance * hes taking this* nortarized

Multiple digital receipts showing my wife being billed to her creditcard resgistered to our mutual residence.

I show mutual residence by lease and rent leveling board which has my name on it so i lived at address.

i have one affidavit of family friend who knows both me and my wife and attest that we lived together at our mutual address * hes taking this* Notarized.

I have explanation of my life with my wife and abuse long than what i wrote above and detailing my abuse i went through which covers 18 pages with a 5 page summary in the front which is a timeline explaning the abuse in a nutshell. * i/we havent finished this completely*

I have multiple records which show my legal entry, and my diplomas i have gotten graduating throughout the years, immunization records and my tax identification number and my tax filings i did with my wife in 2008 and he asked me to get a IRS receipt and i got a transcript from IRS* he has this*

i have youtube video i made of me and my wife pre marriage converted to windows format on a disc. * gonna give to him*

From what i can remember this is all he has or i can give him right now. I dont know what else i can do.

I still feel my Vawa petition will not go through regardless of the abuse i went through my mental condition and all the proof i have because I am a man. I feel it wont go through because they will ask stupid questions like why i didn't go to the police and send RFE's even if i explain to them, I feel they will ask why i didnt go to a SHELTER and get evaluated by a social worker even when there is no SHELTER for men! and their social workers never called back like they said they would! and when i would call em back i was told they dont service men! the social worker i saw couldn't remember anything i told her, i looked far and wide but couldn't find help. there was no counseling at the hospital because at this point i was scared of women and there were no male counselors post release from mental hospital.

To be honest i dont think my Vawa will go through, just because I am a man or for some reason i dont have enough evidence for vawa even though i feel have seen and have read women getting through with less evidence than me, because they have help and shelters and people to vouch for them and Vawa was created for them not for men.

So this is my account as a man. I'm not hoping for anything. My mind is already messed up, I can hardley sleep right or stay awake for long or concentrate anymore, my looks are haggard now compared to pre being with my wife. i no longer have confidence in myself and i see no future for me anymore. I can no longer go to the military even if there was some loophole as im mentally damaged now. I no longer see my dreams and future. The idea of being deported to a place i have never been with people who talk in a way and accent i do not understand and worse yet theres a 70%+ of kidnappings and murders of people of my race alignment in my country. If i get deported all i have to look foward to is having all of my Eduation being for nothing and useless over there, relearning language skills to their form, being and starting out homeless as all my family that i know except my Grandmother on my mother's side and a few on my dad's side whom i don't really know well at all are there. All my family that i know has immigrated here and sucessfully. i have reasonable reason to believe id be a prime kidnapping target or murder target because of my ancestry and race. My family wont send no ransom... ill just die there.

To be honest I'd rather die here in my home America so that maybe my organs will be transplanted into someone who could use them, at least a piece of me could live in this country and be of use to someone.

I wrote this so that maybe someone would understand what its like to be an abused immigrant male. Even if its a forum online. I feel I have a voice! I feel someone will hear me. Even if things go bad for me and I never get help. I hope someone will understand and hear my plight. God bless you all and I thank you for reading this if you have.

- Worn out and tired in NJ

Edited July 14, 2010 by UglyNerdManVJ

[UglyNerdManVJ 7]

I am sorry for many typos! i was tired and worn out when i posted this, i have also used up my edit for now it seems so i cant make changes for errors.

[justashooter 430]

i agree that the system is designed for women, only. glad to see you have finally taken steps to end the relationship. wishing you well in getting back on your feet.

[milimelo 4,481]

Sorry what you've been going through. I hope your VAWA case goes through.

I do have to ask, what about your parents - can't they sponsor you?

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Go to Catholic Charities. They help with VAWA abuse cases. You need a lawyer. NOT a social worker.

AND DON'T GIVE YOUR ONLY COPIES OF ANY EVIDENCE TO ANYONE! Make copies, and give them the copies. Keep the originals for yourself.

[UglyNerdManVJ 7]

Sorry what you've been going through. I hope your VAWA case goes through.

I do have to ask, what about your parents - can't they sponsor you?

from what i understand no, my mother is in limbo because of lulac or some ####### called i-687 and shes been in process forever. lawyers made mistakes or respresentations many times but shes too scared too paranoid to do the right thing even if i urge her to. my dad is an old man and lives somewhere on his own.

both of my parents dont really care about me they just feel the shame from the rest of my family and they financially help me out at the moment.

what i find to be even crazier is something like i-360 is something i could have filed as a teenager, i was abused by my parents and taken by the state by an orginization called dyfs in NJ. i got taken by my aunt, i had medicare or something like that for having bad teeth because my family was neglegent and i needed other medical care. never got done... was going to counseling and my family pressured me to go back to them and my extended family i was staying with denied my abuse and pressured me to go back also,

mom told me things like oh shed get deported etc and everyone made me feel bad, so i explained that to my counselor and asked her to say that at the time i gave the dyfs lady my statement i was under drugs and was not in the right state of mind and was freaking out and may have exxaggerated or been misunderstood.

Heres the funny part, when i got back with my family, nothing changed, same old #######, i mean im here so many years and it seems honestly my mother didnt want to file for me on my behalf any working type papers as a teen or let me get a social security *both which she has/had* as a method of controlling me to stay in the house also didnt let me get medical help, constantly said GOD would heal me, used GOD as an excuse to not let me have a normal life or any sort of life outside of her grasp....

.... and now my counselor is telling me a cold hard fact i dont want to realize.

I married someone just like my mom. abusive crazy and a manipulator.

my Dad is a good guy but, he doesnt really care much about that stuff and its impossible to talk to him about. My family isnt supportive. I've gone down this road alone with only a couple bucks thrown at me to live off from family.

Edited July 15, 2010 by UglyNerdManVJ

[UglyNerdManVJ 7]

Go to Catholic Charities. They help with VAWA abuse cases. You need a lawyer. NOT a social worker.

AND DON'T GIVE YOUR ONLY COPIES OF ANY EVIDENCE TO ANYONE! Make copies, and give them the copies. Keep the originals for yourself.

No, i tried there, I had a horrible experience and the lady was horrible and i felt seriously uncomfortable. I also wrote that i went there.

I only send copies and i keep all originals for myself. I did make the mistake of giving my only copy of my Criminal background check from my town of myself to show i have no criminal record to my lawyer, hes probono it seems tho and im sure hed give me a copy or the orginal theres not much difference its in black and white and has no special seal.

[UglyNerdManVJ 7]

Go to Catholic Charities. They help with VAWA abuse cases. You need a lawyer. NOT a social worker.

AND DON'T GIVE YOUR ONLY COPIES OF ANY EVIDENCE TO ANYONE! Make copies, and give them the copies. Keep the originals for yourself.

Go to Catholic Charities. They help with VAWA abuse cases. You need a lawyer. NOT a social worker.

AND DON'T GIVE YOUR ONLY COPIES OF ANY EVIDENCE TO ANYONE! Make copies, and give them the copies. Keep the originals for yourself.

The social worker may not be that big of an issue now as I can type now, But when i was under much duress, pressure,stress, ptsd,depression,anxiety,medical problems,physical pain. I couldnt really help myself. i was abused and damaged mentally, i couldnt figure out what to do where to go how to do anything anymore. Back then reading was almost impossible with my ptsd. The point of a social worker is to help me get the services i needed because i couldnt help myself.

I needed counseling, i needed help, i needed Medical attention earlier, I was too distraught from abuse to get any help for myself or understand anything. Thats what social workers do.

Right now i have to say my progress is going at a snails pace. The guy is pro bono so i only see him 2x a week actually sometimes i dont even get to see him each week at all. Im still not stable and i dont know what to do, i dont feel safe in my new residence as my wife now knows where i live but i can not afford a move again. This Vawa thing is the only thing i have going for me at the moment, its the only thing keeping me alive, if there was any shelter or place i could be and feel safe and have someone help and assist me while im going through this being damaged.

but ur right i cant have a social worker really, i got to do it on my own and with my lawyers help.

I only send copies and i keep all originals for myself. I did make the mistake of giving my only copy of my Criminal background check from my town of myself to show i have no criminal record to my lawyer, hes probono it seems tho and im sure hed give me a copy or the orginal theres not much difference its in black and white and has no special seal.

[UglyNerdManVJ 7]

my lawyer only wants peices of evidence i have, i want to submit everything i have but he says its not nessasary. he also says i should write a shorter summary of my abuse,. i wrote a long detailed one spanning 18 pages,i made a 5 page one but it doesnt seem to be enough and it doesnt really express anything about my journey how i felt etc. i want to submit all my evidence and writings honestly :/

I probably have 150+ pages of evidence. around 50 pages of different writings explaning my abuse. Im scared about my Vawa because Im a man, what i have read about VSC, Only proof of abuse i can show is medical diagnosis of Post severe recurrent and reason for admission is spousal abuse and anxiety and now my counselling place for domestic violence help's letter that theyre making.

You know i asked them on my own and they required a lawyer to release all that and it was very confusing and all this nonsense for awhile. now a lawyer just simply ask for it with my release and theyre sending it.I wish i could send all my evidence, i feel honestly they are all reliable. I do have pictures of me and my wife partying with friends but he said hes not gonna show the goverment that so he took em out.

I wish i could file the i-360 myself and send my full evidence but i dont know what to do on that form. its so confusing.

Im worried because my wife is divorcing me now and im responding back with divorce for extreme cruelty. I couldnt work and shes actually sue'ing me for alimony...

Im worried that if VSC sends me a RFE even with everything i have submitted what would happen if i get locked up in ICE detention center? What if my wife lives up to the type of threats she has been saying or maybe even her mother tries to contact ice to get me deported after we Divorce?

How will i respond? how will i contact my lawyer guy, i can now only see him on saturdays. What if I am taken by ice for being an Overstay because my wife reports me and i cannot respond to my RFE if VSC sends one? What if i get taken before i can even get a response from VSC? If i get Divorced from my wife even if i win and its for Extreme Cruelty will ice deport me right after? Will the judge or someone in the court refer Ice to my case so i would be deported?

Im terrified right now. I have been for along time. I dont know how to deal with this and the flashbacks of all the abuse i have gone through. I take drugs to make my PTSD go away but they dont really work all that well, I do feel less stressed than before but...

I dont know what to think. Anyone been in the same boat as me? I dont know what to do.

[UglyNerdManVJ 7]

Hey guys i wanted to update anyone who has seen or read this.

In august 2010 i got divorced from my wife. I won an extreme cruelty divorce.

in july last year also my lawyer who told me we had everything we need in June :/ i believe.. but didn't send it till probably sometime in the summer? later? i guess it might have been before or after or around my divorce date. anywho my status to my wife was married for over 2 years. lived together for more than 2 divorced. We had a dual judgement i had won extreme cruelty and she had won irreconcilable differences.

so far i had done everything through a pro-bono lawyer at this place called ceus in jersey. i had found help no where else. well i got uh pro-bono quality alright.

i don't know whats going with my case. i believe i sent everything i could possibly send. the exception i think that may be weak is

2 things:

1. i wrote about 18 pages typed. no double spacing or anything. my lawyer didnt want that and said he wouldnt send that to uscis and they wouldn't read all of it and he helped and worked with me to edit it down to small details and something probably about a 3 page size? I wonder if USCIS wants more or if they want me to write a Novel or something.

2. I only sent a letter from the police where i currently live that i have no police or criminal record in that town. i lived with my wife in the town next my current town and in another town also during our marriage not my current one but i DO NOT have a criminal record of any sort as i have never been arrested.

appearantly uscis has sent RFE's before and my lawyer at the probono place did not tell me anything. its like he doesnt know anything anymore. i gues he is busy and thats understanble but now im hiring him as hes leaving the pro bono service and im hiring him privately. i wont really know what the RFE is for

I got my RFE on the 25th of may and it was sent to my lawyer.

Is there any other men out there who is going through my situation? This is all stressful right now. As a man i dont have acess to shelters like women, i never have had anything like that i called all the places.

I was going to a hospital bergen regional as its the only place i know of with mental healthcare help as where i went for anxiety. Well i was getting help there, but when i would call they moved my appointments. i had an appointment and they told me they told me my appointment is 2 more months away instead. i go to that appointment and my doctor says they closed my chart because i didnt show up in 3 months...and the hospital isnt really taking new cases anymore. What the heck.. theyre the ones who gave me the weird scheduling.

i was going to this place called ADV it was the ONLY PLACE ONLY place that councils men... still to this day going there bothers me. People thought i was an abuser. the material to read is all about how all men are abusers.

i just couldnt go anymore. i couldnt even talk about my abuse i just dont want to remember it anymore. So far for a couple of months i been getting slightly better. a little bit back in shape but very slowly but now this RFE comes and i feel like im having heart attack all the time, i wake up with so much stress my neck feels buggy. i finally found i have to at least have 1 beer and smoke alot to calm down. im not a drinker or a heavy smoker but i need it.

i dunno i hope something good or its something small in the RFE like what i think on #2. i need this nightmare to end. getting help from ABUSE is so HARD as a man its not funny at all. Is there anyone outthere who can relate?

[murid2010 6]

Hey guys i wanted to update anyone who has seen or read this.

In august 2010 i got divorced from my wife. I won an extreme cruelty divorce.

in july last year also my lawyer who told me we had everything we need in June :/ i believe.. but didn't send it till probably sometime in the summer? later? i guess it might have been before or after or around my divorce date. anywho my status to my wife was married for over 2 years. lived together for more than 2 divorced. We had a dual judgement i had won extreme cruelty and she had won irreconcilable differences.

so far i had done everything through a pro-bono lawyer at this place called ceus in jersey. i had found help no where else. well i got uh pro-bono quality alright.

i don't know whats going with my case. i believe i sent everything i could possibly send. the exception i think that may be weak is

2 things:

1. i wrote about 18 pages typed. no double spacing or anything. my lawyer didnt want that and said he wouldnt send that to uscis and they wouldn't read all of it and he helped and worked with me to edit it down to small details and something probably about a 3 page size? I wonder if USCIS wants more or if they want me to write a Novel or something.

2. I only sent a letter from the police where i currently live that i have no police or criminal record in that town. i lived with my wife in the town next my current town and in another town also during our marriage not my current one but i DO NOT have a criminal record of any sort as i have never been arrested.

appearantly uscis has sent RFE's before and my lawyer at the probono place did not tell me anything. its like he doesnt know anything anymore. i gues he is busy and thats understanble but now im hiring him as hes leaving the pro bono service and im hiring him privately. i wont really know what the RFE is for

I got my RFE on the 25th of may and it was sent to my lawyer.

Is there any other men out there who is going through my situation? This is all stressful right now. As a man i dont have acess to shelters like women, i never have had anything like that i called all the places.

I was going to a hospital bergen regional as its the only place i know of with mental healthcare help as where i went for anxiety. Well i was getting help there, but when i would call they moved my appointments. i had an appointment and they told me they told me my appointment is 2 more months away instead. i go to that appointment and my doctor says they closed my chart because i didnt show up in 3 months...and the hospital isnt really taking new cases anymore. What the heck.. theyre the ones who gave me the weird scheduling.

i was going to this place called ADV it was the ONLY PLACE ONLY place that councils men... still to this day going there bothers me. People thought i was an abuser. the material to read is all about how all men are abusers.

i just couldnt go anymore. i couldnt even talk about my abuse i just dont want to remember it anymore. So far for a couple of months i been getting slightly better. a little bit back in shape but very slowly but now this RFE comes and i feel like im having heart attack all the time, i wake up with so much stress my neck feels buggy. i finally found i have to at least have 1 beer and smoke alot to calm down. im not a drinker or a heavy smoker but i need it.

i dunno i hope something good or its something small in the RFE like what i think on #2. i need this nightmare to end. getting help from ABUSE is so HARD as a man its not funny at all. Is there anyone outthere who can relate?

Hello,

I know you went through a lot. Hang in there Approval is coming by the grace of God. I was in your shoes (MALE VAWA) and I was approved April 20th,2011. Now am waiting for my I-485. I never believe that i will ever get to this point, but be strong and have faith. VAWA is for male and females.

[TBoneTX 45,303]

For support, consult ANY religious organization or charity. It need not be your own religion. Even walk into a church or synagogue and ask the minister or rabbi for help. If they can't help you directly, they'll know exactly where to refer you. Hang in there, si man.

Edited June 2, 2011 by TBoneTX

[visawisher 0]

Hi UglyNerdmanVJ. I felt really bad about your story. But there is this other immigration forum where I came across another male who was kind of in your similar situation and it seems he used VAWA/spousal abuse clause to get his Greencard and now even his citizenship.His userid is @irishinok and the link to his posts is

http://forums.immigration.com/showthread.php?320351-My-story-13.5-years-later&highlight=spousal+abuse

maybe you can register there as well and msg him to see if he can give you some tips or guidance in case he is still active there? No harm in trying. You can at least read his story there and take some inspiration.

But you definitely need a good lawyer for this I believe who will quickly respond to you and is open and transparent with you. Remember, VAWA is gender neutral and many men as well have been approved based on it. So keep the faith. Your winning divorce based on extreme cruelty should also help I think.

Edited June 3, 2011 by visawisher

[UglyNerdManVJ 7]

Hello,

I know you went through a lot. Hang in there Approval is coming by the grace of God. I was in your shoes (MALE VAWA) and I was approved April 20th,2011. Now am waiting for my I-485. I never believe that i will ever get to this point, but be strong and have faith. VAWA is for male and females.

Thankyou man, i dont know how to explain this but when i feel stressed out in the back of my neck feels like its on fire. just reading even if i cant hear you it makes me feel like theres some hope. heh i dont like to admit it but as a man i cry by myself, i been fights over racism in school ive had has cuts bruises and fractures and unfortunately people passing in my life but nothing in my life has made me actually cry like a baby, i have shed tears when people passed but nothing like this this hopeless situation i have gone through. when i read your response it feels like my neck has cooled down a littlebit. I feel like maybe theres a snowballs chance in hell, and let me tell ya thats alot more confidence than i had before. I still feel its a system for Women.

But thankyou, i gives me hope.

For support, consult ANY religious organization or charity. It need not be your own religion. Even walk into a church or synagogue and ask the minister or rabbi for help. If they can't help you directly, they'll know exactly where to refer you. Hang in there, si man.

thankyou for your advice, I have tried many places as i was writing my experiences all these places sort of turned away men or dont have room for new clients. but honestly i felt it was because i am a man. Thankyou tho i appreicate your suggestion but it is something i have tried.

Hi UglyNerdmanVJ. I felt really bad about your story. But there is this other immigration forum where I came across another male who was kind of in your similar situation and it seems he used VAWA/spousal abuse clause to get his Greencard and now even his citizenship.His userid is @irishinok and the link to his posts is

http://forums.immigration.com/showthread.php?320351-My-story-13.5-years-later&highlight=spousal+abuse

maybe you can register there as well and msg him to see if he can give you some tips or guidance in case he is still active there? No harm in trying. You can at least read his story there and take some inspiration.

But you definitely need a good lawyer for this I believe who will quickly respond to you and is open and transparent with you. Remember, VAWA is gender neutral and many men as well have been approved based on it. So keep the faith. Your winning divorce based on extreme cruelty should also help I think.

i read his story it was a bit reassuring, it boggles my mind because he came 13.5 years ago i came 24 soon to be 25 years ago. wooo.. Jee this makes me breathe heavy. He seems to have had less issues than i had and he made it through! I can only hope my ending is as happy as his.

i want to move forward my ideas and goals are not to work but to open my own business.. actually employ people and leave that to my wife as i persue medicine and legal areas. i was hoping i could make a difference and write my own medical reforms over time for people and get experience in the military as they have no end to people needing medical help in the areas im interested in.

I cant imagine what that guys goals and dreams were here. but he must have had to give some up and find new ones. My reality and moving forward was with me and my wife. it is hard imagining a new future.

Thank you though. reading that made me feel more optimistic.

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

To find therapists/etc who won't laugh at male victims, find some place that offers help to gay male victims. I suspect that would work better than what you've tried so far. Either go to a clinic or call a hotline for a referral.

Find out what the RFE was for! That is probably very important!

Good luck!