Ukrainian Couples... What did you bring?

[Brad and Vika 129]

Balloon headed girlfriends might not be good for some things, but the one thing they're really good for is positive reinforcement. "I wish I had a husband who helped me pay for all this. I can only imagine if all my money was added to all your husband's money. Wow!"

Now that gets 'em thinking!

Depends on the issue being reinforced, doesn't it? If the message is "I can make my own credit whenever I want, and my husband doesn't need to know about it" for example, I would rather that not be reinforced. That is a real life example of balloon head logic. Maybe it all works out in the end, and GF learns the hard way that the debt is hers too, maybe not. The point is the amount of hassle they both go through - and I do not want that duplicated over here.

This is probably a subject for another thread, but I also want to work with my wife to reach key decisions that effect us both, and we mostly seem able to do that. Balloon head dictates her decisions, and goes to war until hubby surrenders (or it appears that way to me). I have read a few posters on vj who have that sort of relationship, and those relationships don't seem to last long. I still can't figure out if GF is just slow rolling the guy, or if her personality is really that way. Either way it looks grim.

[slim 1,525]

Balloon head dictates her decisions, and goes to war until hubby surrenders (or it appears that way to me). I have read a few posters on vj who have that sort of relationship, and those relationships don't seem to last long. I still can't figure out if GF is just slow rolling the guy, or if her personality is really that way. Either way it looks grim.

What is she super hot or something?

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Depends on the issue being reinforced, doesn't it? If the message is "I can make my own credit whenever I want, and my husband doesn't need to know about it" for example, I would rather that not be reinforced. That is a real life example of balloon head logic. Maybe it all works out in the end, and GF learns the hard way that the debt is hers too, maybe not. The point is the amount of hassle they both go through - and I do not want that duplicated over here.

This is probably a subject for another thread, but I also want to work with my wife to reach key decisions that effect us both, and we mostly seem able to do that. Balloon head dictates her decisions, and goes to war until hubby surrenders (or it appears that way to me). I have read a few posters on vj who have that sort of relationship, and those relationships don't seem to last long. I still can't figure out if GF is just slow rolling the guy, or if her personality is really that way. Either way it looks grim.

Start another thread, sounds awesome!

Alla has her own credit card but not so much so I don;t know about it. In fact she only uses it for certain things in order to build her credit. She will charge the electric bill to the credit card and then I write a check from the checking account to pay her credit card. She just wants to have some "use". Actually they have upped her limit twice already! she really doesn't use it. I open all the mail ("man's job")and take care of paying for everything, she will just say "When you do the bills, use my credit card for something and then pay the credit card". she has also used it for some online orders with her "own money" then depositis money to the checking account and writes a check.

Alla does not make demands, I have to say in all honesty, she is fairly low maintenance. She earns enough from her translations and interpretations to pay for her misc. personal things and manages to save enough for our vacations, nights out on the town, etc. She keeps the "fun money". There is no sneaking around that I can tell, she will proudly model her latest clothes purchases immediately on arriving home and I better drop everything to watch the "fashion show" or she will say I do not pay attention to her.

She also keeps a "honey do" list of home projects. I told her it would always be this way before she came and she didn;t believe me. I told her tha people were always working on their house, always making some little improvement or project. she seemed to think that was stupid. Now she does it and when she goes to Lowe's she says she is "going homeowning!" But she is not demanding about it, just tells me what she wants to do in the way of improvements. Many are YEARS away!

[Brad and Vika 129]

What is she super hot or something?

No.

Alla does not make demands, I have to say in all honesty, she is fairly low maintenance. She earns enough from her translations and interpretations to pay for her misc. personal things and manages to save enough for our vacations, nights out on the town, etc. She keeps the "fun money". There is no sneaking around that I can tell, she will proudly model her latest clothes purchases immediately on arriving home and I better drop everything to watch the "fashion show" or she will say I do not pay attention to her.

Honestly Gary, it doesn't sound like she needs to make any demands. She indicates interest in something, and you jump all over it. This probably ensures your relationship will last forever I would say that you and slim represent the opposite extremes we see on vj. Both seem to work.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Honestly Gary, it doesn't sound like she needs to make any demands. She indicates interest in something, and you jump all over it. This probably ensures your relationship will last forever I would say that you and slim represent the opposite extremes we see on vj. Both seem to work.

I am extreme!

But then, Alla IS hot and she is no "balloon head" and her friends do not seem to be either. I can't say I have had to battle any wierd or strange behaviors, ideas, etc. At least most of them seem to make some sort of sense, though I questioned one of the jobs she had as not very productive toward her goal of "assimilating" but no harm done and it was safe enough. She figured it out after a few days.

What about this balloon head? Does she have any children? I think that is a huge balancing factor. Alla is more concerned about the family and the future for the children, she just is not one to jump off on anything unusual.

Yes, she enjoys the occasional evening out with her friends and shopping, sometimes with me, sometimes without, but it is fairly harmless and she can really shop for hours and not spend more than $25-30 at TJ Maxx or something. Nothing for me to get my panties in wad over and it makes her happy, so why not?

Her other purchases are not at all unreasonable. I mean the washing machine I had was old (still worked) but who knows when it would ####### out and we NEED the thing with 4 people here. She found a super deal on a clearence sale for one of those new, big frontloaders. No harm no foul. At least she s frugal but I AM kidding when she says "I saved $200" and I say "Why didn't you keep shopping?"

[Brad and Vika 129]

What about this balloon head? Does she have any children? I think that is a huge balancing factor. Alla is more concerned about the family and the future for the children, she just is not one to jump off on anything unusual.

Yes, she enjoys the occasional evening out with her friends and shopping, sometimes with me, sometimes without, but it is fairly harmless and she can really shop for hours and not spend more than $25-30 at TJ Maxx or something. Nothing for me to get my panties in wad over and it makes her happy, so why not?

Ballon head is pregnant now, so who knows? With her personality, I think that being tied down will just give her more time to think up goofy schemes. If she and Vika weren't so tight it would be funny to watch. Like I said though, Vika sees the goofiness for what it is - so USUALLY it is pretty harmless.

As to going out, I don't think I raised that issue, but we seem to do basically what you do. Seems to be pretty prevalent around here.

[Tanya and Barry 59]

Tanya has taken up the task of softening my house a little. I have bought a lot of pots and potting soil. We have planted a garden in my back yard. Tomatoes, peppers and lettuce, etc.

She doesn't ask for much or spend much. I almost had to force her to buy a couple of pairs of shows for our's and our son's wedding.

She did have a bout of homesickness a couple of days ago. She is not the type to complain so I told her if something is bothering her she needs to tell me.

Have any of the rest of you dealt with the homesickness issue?

Edited July 27, 2010 by Tanya and Barry

[slim 1,525]

Honestly Gary, it doesn't sound like she needs to make any demands. She indicates interest in something, and you jump all over it. This probably ensures your relationship will last forever I would say that you and slim represent the opposite extremes we see on vj. Both seem to work.

I'd bet Gary's method is a little less dramatic.

As I get older (and more financially able) I'll probably shift that way, it's just a lot easier. My hope is by that time my wife is also more financially able and she will have figured out that two people paying into the system is a lot better than one covering everything and one working for fun.

At least she s frugal

I would think she'd have to be with paying for a Solstice and insurance, gas, etc., and still having enough left over for fun and vacations.

Have any of the rest of you dealt with the homesickness issue?

My wife went through a tough patch from about six months to about 18 months. I think it was more transitioning to American lifestyle (aka getting a full-time job) than it was missing friends and family back home. To date (almost four years here) she hasn't been back home and doesn't really seem all that interested in going.

We're thinking of visiting in a year or two but she's never really made a big deal about it. I've been insistent from the start that her life is here now and there's no sense in going back every four to six months "to visit." However, I've welcomed her to do so on her own dime. So far... no dice.

[Tanya and Barry 59]

I'd bet Gary's method is a little less dramatic.

As I get older (and more financially able) I'll probably shift that way, it's just a lot easier. My hope is by that time my wife is also more financially able and she will have figured out that two people paying into the system is a lot better than one covering everything and one working for fun.

I would think she'd have to be with paying for a Solstice and insurance, gas, etc., and still having enough left over for fun and vacations.

My wife went through a tough patch from about six months to about 18 months. I think it was more transitioning to American lifestyle (aka getting a full-time job) than it was missing friends and family back home. To date (almost four years here) she hasn't been back home and doesn't really seem all that interested in going.

We're thinking of visiting in a year or two but she's never really made a big deal about it. I've been insistent from the start that her life is here now and there's no sense in going back every four to six months "to visit." However, I've welcomed her to do so on her own dime. So far... no dice.

I think the large part of the problem stems from her being dependent on me to get around for now. She ventures out on her own a little. School is out of session for the summer so she isn't going to English class. She is used to being independent so I know it is a little frustrating for her right now. Like I said before she doesn't complain about anything so sometimes it is difficult to get her to say when something is bothering her. Her son attends the Maritime Academy in Odessa and I know she misses him.

I asked her if she wanted to go back over the New Years holiday but she says she wants to be here with me for the holidays.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Tanya has taken up the task of softening my house a little. I have bought a lot of pots and potting soil. We have planted a garden in my back yard. Tomatoes, peppers and lettuce, etc.

She doesn't ask for much or spend much. I almost had to force her to buy a couple of pairs of shows for our's and our son's wedding.

She did have a bout of homesickness a couple of days ago. She is not the type to complain so I told her if something is bothering her she needs to tell me.

Have any of the rest of you dealt with the homesickness issue?

I think we all deal with that. It was definitely worse the first year, much less after her first return trip and now almost non-existant. I think she misses some of her friends sometimes and doing things in familiar surroundings. But really she has adapted to most of the year here and one or two trips to Ukraine/Russia per year. I overheard her talking to another owman at a party and she said "I could never live in Ukraine again, I love my car too much!" She really missed it this summer when she was in Ukraine and riding the buses became a real nuisance compared to driving her own car. I think they just have to feel that this is "home" and get adjusted to it. I feel sorry for people that do not have a lot of time to spend with their fiancee/wife, because Alla would have gone nuts if she didn't have me handy most of time. She got much more comfortable and stable and "quiet" when she learned to drive, then learned her way around and now is pretty independent at finding places, knows the roads and where everything is. I can only say, do ALL you can to be there for her because she will need you.

I have "turned over" the house to her, it is the woman's place so she can have it. I paint, fix, build and lift heavy things. She chooses colors, furniture etc. We do not grow vegetables. She had said she would because we had a large piece of property. Now we moved and have a large "city lot" still plenty of room for vegetables, but she has decided they are cheap enough to buy. She does have her flower gardens, myself or the boys do most of the digging, but she waters the flowers and pulls off the dead buds. With her little garden gloves on and her sun hat. She is a stylish gardener with a manicure.

I wouldn't have to twist her arm to buy shoes, she does that well enough on her own, but she goes to TJ Maxx or Marshalls and gets them for $20, so no worries. I notice her Russian friends have TONS of shoes! We were at Tatyana's home a couple weeks ago and she had to show me Tatyana's walk in closet with so many shoes I thought it was Imelda Marco's closet! Alla said..."Look it is like heaven in there!" She just does not spend a lot of money. She goes out with her friends for coffee and spends $3.75 or so. She borrows films from the library, never pays for movie rentals, our neighbors own a drive in theatre where our youngest son works and they lets us watch movies for free. We walk over there with lawn chairs and a radio and watch whatever film we want. She is just as pleased to go for a walk and window shop and not spend a nickle. In fact, the day we met we spent the whole night wandering through Prague and had I not offered to buy dinner, it wouldn't have cost us a thing. There are lots of free beaches near our house and we will walk to one, spread out the blanket and go swimming and sunning all afternoon for free. Take her up to the moutnains and walk all day for free and she is happy.

Give her some time, it gets lots better!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I think the large part of the problem stems from her being dependent on me to get around for now. She ventures out on her own a little. School is out of session for the summer so she isn't going to English class. She is used to being independent so I know it is a little frustrating for her right now. Like I said before she doesn't complain about anything so sometimes it is difficult to get her to say when something is bothering her. Her son attends the Maritime Academy in Odessa and I know she misses him.

I asked her if she wanted to go back over the New Years holiday but she says she wants to be here with me for the holidays.

Excellent school her son is at. I think that is the school that provides the honor guard for the WW2 naval monument.

You bet that is the reason she is frustrated. She is used to going wherever she wants. When Alla first arrived I would sometimes drop her in downtown Burlington on my way to work. She would rather walk around downtown all day than stay at home alone. And yes, she was very frustrated! Yes, there was a lot of homesickness. Even when she began driving it took more months until she felt she could "go anywhere" and she always got lost. Turned out that was the best thing. Just let her get lost, find her way home and she learns better than trying to go everywhere with her. She will ask directions and eventually get home.

we also have a son at school in Moscow and Alla is definitely happiest when both the boys are here as they are right now. But she also knows that Sergey is getting an excellent education for a very low cost and that it is the best thing for him. The first year, again, was the hardest. It is tempered a little by the fact that he would have been in Moscow anyway, a 14 hour train ride from Donetsk, so either way he was going to be gone most of the year.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I'd bet Gary's method is a little less dramatic.

As I get older (and more financially able) I'll probably shift that way, it's just a lot easier. My hope is by that time my wife is also more financially able and she will have figured out that two people paying into the system is a lot better than one covering everything and one working for fun.

I would think she'd have to be with paying for a Solstice and insurance, gas, etc., and still having enough left over for fun and vacations.

My wife went through a tough patch from about six months to about 18 months. I think it was more transitioning to American lifestyle (aka getting a full-time job) than it was missing friends and family back home. To date (almost four years here) she hasn't been back home and doesn't really seem all that interested in going.

We're thinking of visiting in a year or two but she's never really made a big deal about it. I've been insistent from the start that her life is here now and there's no sense in going back every four to six months "to visit." However, I've welcomed her to do so on her own dime. So far... no dice.

We don't have car payments, neither of us care for those. A Solstice is not nearly as expensive as it looks, certainly not more than any other compact domestic car or Jap car. The motorcycle in the photo cost more than her car! Insurance, gas are household expenses I handle. Her money is really just for fun and or some things she decides to use it for (new sofa, new washing machine) and we do not consider trips to Ukraine/Russia as "fun". That is what she uses "her money" for but we do consider it an obligation to visit Babushka and Sergey at school. And it isn;t so much that Momma needs to see Alla, she NEEDS to see the boys! That is what will get her upset! Sergey will go back early and spend 2 weeks with Babushka and then go to college. The gas is a LOT less now that a tank lasts her 2 weeks or more as opposed to lasting 4 days! Moving to "the city" more than paid for itself in savings in gasoline alone. Our family expenses are quite reasonable, really. Our budget for a month for everything is less than some people pay for a house alone.

I agree the toughest time is maybe from months 4-12 or so (for us, give or take) The first few months are a honeymoon.

Alla felt all was going "too slow" She learned to drive from "scratch" and had a drivers license in TWO MONTHS! I really don't think you can do it much faster than that and maybe that was TOO fast. In less than four months she had a job, a drivers license, her green card, she started classes 5 days after arriving, painted the whole house (I painted, she picked colors) But it is frustrating when they are stuck in the house with no transportation.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Ballon head is pregnant now, so who knows? With her personality, I think that being tied down will just give her more time to think up goofy schemes. If she and Vika weren't so tight it would be funny to watch. Like I said though, Vika sees the goofiness for what it is - so USUALLY it is pretty harmless.

As to going out, I don't think I raised that issue, but we seem to do basically what you do. Seems to be pretty prevalent around here.

Children will eventually jerk a knot in her. Maybe not right away. Once she spends a few sleepless nights when they are sick, she will know what is important.

Alla had one friend from school, Natasha, really nice girl, but young (27) and a student on a paid program who just wanted to go out and party every night. Her apartment was paid, her food was paid, she lived just off campus and didn't have a car to pay for or gasoline. Harmless stuff, but Alla would not be able to go most of the time and she would not always understand. There was a big difference in maturity level.

I'd bet Gary's method is a little less dramatic.

I just hate drama. Not much is worth "drama"

[slim 1,525]

I think the large part of the problem stems from her being dependent on me to get around for now.

Independence will help a lot with her emotional state. At minimum, it'll take away one excuse.

We don't have car payments, neither of us care for those. A Solstice is not nearly as expensive as it looks,

Still though, that must've taken a significant amount of the money she brought with her or money she earned after arrival to purchase.

Insurance, gas are household expenses I handle. Her money is really just for fun

Fun isn't a household expense too?

[Brad and Vika 129]

I agree the toughest time is maybe from months 4-12 or so (for us, give or take) The first few months are a honeymoon.

I think for Vika it was 6-12 months from arrival. It also depends on her activity level, even now. I understand that people are much more sociable in Eastern Europe (at least I think so). She hates to sit around, and starts getting irritable after a week or so. I just start relaxing after a week of sitting around .

Right now balloon head is back from Ukraine for four days and hasn't called. It is driving Vika totally batshit. She doesn't want to call first and appear too eager, but the silence is breaking her down. I suspect that for GF, my wife is one of a long list of people to call and catch up with. Lord only knows how long it will take to discuss and savor every moment of her time there

Children will eventually jerk a knot in her. Maybe not right away. Once she spends a few sleepless nights when they are sick, she will know what is important.

Maybe so, or maybe the pendulum will swing the other way. I know her husband hopes it will settle her.