Larry the Cable Guy

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

- I don't play with myself. I was cleaning it once and it went off.

- What happened to airplane attendants being cute? What the hell

happened to that? Them girls were so ugly they would make Ray

Charles flinch.

- This a Song I wrote about my girlfriend. She cheated on me with

another man. It's called "I Can't Get Over You til You Get Out

From Under Him."

- I was madder then a deaf-mute playing Bingo, getting Bingo, and

trying to holler out Bingo, I tell ya...

- I was living with a girl for eight months, until she found out

I was living with her (or "...until she found out I was

there...")

- I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took

my binoculars...

- I was dating a red-head once, no red-hair, just a red-head. It

was her birthday and I thought it would be cool to light my

farts, and it caught her hair. I called the Fire Department but

they said they couldn't get to us so we had to meet them halfway.

I was lucky I passed a couple of red lights or we would've lost

the whole kitchen.

- I was madder than a skinhead watching The Jeffersons!

- I was more confused than Ray Charles with a "Where's Waldo"

Book.

- My sister was getting married, and she's a big ol' sum.

Her friends were about as fat as she is and she bought them all

matching brown dresses. They looked like a bunch of UPS trucks

parked in the middle of the parking lot.

- I was taking a ####### once and then my sister walks in and says,

"I gotta get my hairspray." All of sudden she says "Uh, smells

like ####### in here.", What do you think's coming out of my rear,

Twizzlers?

- I once tipped a stripper with Monopoly money, and after that

she said "That's fake money!" I said "Alright, well them's fake"

- (If NASCAR had sponsorships from feminine products) "How'd you

get tickets to the Tampon 200?" "Well, we pulled some strings."

- You are harder to understand than a harelip ordering Biggie

fries, I tell you. That's funny. "Can I help you?" (slurred

voice) "Uh, Wiggie fifes." (normal voice) "What the heck are

'Wiggie fifes'?"

- [My brother] got eliminated from the spelling bee. Apparently,

there ain't no number eight in the word "pollinate".

- I wanna do the world's biggest "Git-R-Done". So on the count of

three... wait a minute. I'm in Houston, so on the count of

tres...

- I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she

says to me "Soon you're gonna hear the pitter-patter of little

feet!" and I'm thinking, "Oh Lord, she's pregnant"... She ended

up leavin' me for a midget.

- I'm married now, so I don't date much anymore.

- [My wife] still has that new wife smell to her.

- I do need to lose some weight now, I gotta tell ya. I had a

threesome last week, and I was all by myself.

- You know gas is expensive when you see street gangs doing walk-

bys.

- I went jogging last week. I didn't want to, my car broke down

in a crappy neighborhood. I lost eight pounds and my rims.

- Here's my least favorite four stripper names: Edna, Bertha,

Gertrude... Walter.

- These two guys go hunting and the one guy says, "Good lord, I

can see your house from here and your wife's cheatin' on you with

another guy!" The other guy says, "Oh, I've had it with her.

Shoot her in the head and him in the privates!" He says, "I

can get that in one shot!"

- This guy goes to his doctor one day and the doctor says, "I

have bad news, and worse news." He says, "What's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "You got 24 hours to live." He says, "What's the

worse news?" Doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

- I was baggin' my groceries at the grocery store the other day

'cause it was busy, and some old lady comes up and pat me on the

head and said, "I think it's wonderful they hire people like

you." I was like (retarded voice) "THANK YOU!!!" Then I wet

myself and ran her over with my cart. (retarded voice; walks odd)

"THANK YOU! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!

[Nagishkaw 510]

He who hesitates, masturbates.

[spookyturtle 9,466]

I don't masturbate because I don't feel that I deserve myself.