Why are we turning our kids into sissies?

[incanada1234 0]

Should we let kids feel exclusion's sting?

Some question move to protect children from disappointment, failure

Penny Grossman cringes each time a student mentions a birthday party during class at her Boston, Massachusetts-area preschool. The rule there, and at a growing number of America's schools, is that parties and play-dates shouldn't be discussed unless every child in the room is invited.

Gone are the days when a kindergartner dropped a handful of party invites in the classroom cubbyholes of their closest buddies. Today, if anyone is excluded the invitations can't be handed out at school.

The idea that protecting kids from rejection is crucial to safeguarding their self-esteem has gained momentum in recent years.

Take Valentine's Day: At some schools, a second-grader can't offer paper valentines or heart-shaped candies to a short list of pals and secret crushes anymore. They give cards to everyone or no one at all.

Or sports: In many towns, scorekeeping no longer happens at soccer or softball games played by kids under 8 or 9. Win or lose, every player in the league gets a trophy at the season's end.

As with many child-rearing trends, some parents and educators see wisdom where others spot foolishness. Many see a mixture of both.

"You try and do things gently when they're little because it is still hard," says Grossman, who is raising two teenagers while teaching preschool. "But I think this is a problem, and it's a growing one, because kids grow up and have this inflated sense of self-worth. Whether they earn anything, it's always a trophy. They have no sense that you have to work hard for some things."

Susan Reel, a mother of two living in Madison, Connecticut, doesn't see a downside to inviting the whole class to a birthday party.

"When they're in first and second grade, their friends are so day-to-day. It's who they played with yesterday," she says. "So to pick one or the other is shortsighted on the parents' part."

She believes that schools are paying more attention to children's feelings because they understand better today the damage done when a small group of kids is consistently excluded.

"When we went to school, people were bullied. Now we know kids have a much greater instance of suicide and depression when they've been bullied," she says.

Jolie Nichols, also a mother of two, disagrees. She believes kids in her Minneapolis neighborhood would benefit from competing for a trophy or handling a mild bit of rejection.

"It's just natural and it's realistic to have to deal with these things," she says. At her 7-year-old daughter's gymnastics class, everyone receives the same ribbon or medal for their performance, regardless of how well they've done.

Rather than imparting self-esteem, some experts believe this gives kids an unhealthy sense of entitlement.

"Self-esteem comes from those feelings you have about yourself for a job well done, for when you have achieved something," says Dr. Georgette Constantinou, administrative director of pediatric psychiatry at Akron Children's Hospital in Ohio. "It's not something you pour into your children."

She feels that many parents aren't equipping their kids to manage basic challenges.

"How do you expect them to handle life's big bumps if they haven't experienced the little ones?" she asks.

No one disagrees that disappointment is real: There are contests we all lose, parties we're excluded from. But what motivates so many parents to postpone that reality until their children reach the age of 10 or beyond?

For one thing, kids' lives are so tightly scheduled today that we're enrolling smaller and smaller children in organized activities. It may be true that 6-year-olds aren't ready to handle losing a T-Ball championship; a generation ago, 6-year-olds wouldn't have even been playing team sports.

Parents may also be reacting to their own economic and career stress by trying to protect their kids from it.

"This group is balancing things that previous generations haven't had to balance," says Constantinou. "The number of women in the work force is phenomenal, probably the largest since the war years, so you have a lot more stressed parents."

Busy parents turn to schools and other care-givers for help, says Mike Sanchez, co-owner of Camp Innovation, a Houston, Texas-area day camp. It does offer competitive games, but also gives each camper an award each week.

"I tell counselors, always find something specific about the kids," Sanchez says. "It helps with parents who say they may not be cleaning at home or working well with a brother or sister. We work on it, and then give them an award for best spirit of the week, best cleaner of the week."

Critics of the trend worry about a generation of kids who haven't experienced rejection or failure -- especially compared with countries such as China and Japan, where a focus on competition defines the lives of many children.

Learning to compete, says Nichols, is vital. "It sets them up for real life things like a job," she says. "It helps people develop their skills."

[Old St. Nick 0]

I believe we should let children be and enjoy being a child as long as possible.

I see nothing wrong with keeping them from feelings of exclusion when they are young - there will be plenty of time for that in years to come.

Edited August 9, 2006 by Old St. Nick

[ChristinaM 0]

Oh, the American entitlement mentality.

Life happens. You lose a deal, don't get the promotion, get fired. You don't get the man you want, the house you want, the life you feel you deserve.

Bring back forced-curve grading, get kids used to the fact that you're not going to win all the damn time.

(Sorry, I feel kinda strongly about that one!)

[Ric Flair 0]

Woooooo!

"To be the man, you've got to beat the man"

Not everyone can be the world heavyweight champion. Ric Flair doesn't wrestle to get a draw, he wrestles to win championships, ride limos, fly jets and take women to space mountain.

Woooooo!

[Fandango 1,440]

...then the kid's gonna grow up to be some adult who cries in the boss's office because he/she didn't get the promotion.

Life is so unfair! *stomp*

[one...two...tree 2,762]

A couple of things...

How does a child have an inflated sense of self worth? How much is a child worth these days anyhow?

I remember during Valentine's we gave everyone in our class a card, but your friends or the girl/boy that you had a crush on got a candy with it.

Birthday party invitations at school - it was always done discreetly. I don't think any of my teachers would have aloud a student to disrupt class to pass out some invitations unless it involved the whole class. Same when someone brought in homemade cookies - you couldn't just share them with some kids, you had to share with the whole class.

There are some things that are just common courtesy and it's got nothing to do with turning kids into sissies. I guess it depends on the parents - if you're mom and dad are selfish pricks, chances are you will be too.

[saturn5man 0]

I believe we should let children be and enjoy being a child as long as possible.

I see nothing wrong with keeping them from feelings of exclusion when they are young - there will be plenty of time for that in years to come.

That's why psychiatrists here are overworked....Little Jonnies and Little Janes grow up to expect to win at everything and when they become adults and they don't, they get soooo upset, poor dears Can't shield folks for ever !!

[ChristinaM 0]

...then the kid's gonna grow up to be some adult who cries in the boss's office because he/she didn't get the promotion.

Agreed completely.

Edited August 9, 2006 by clmarsh

[incanada1234 0]

I especially like this part:

Or sports: In many towns, scorekeeping no longer happens at soccer or softball games played by kids under 8 or 9. Win or lose, every player in the league gets a trophy at the season's end.

Why the hell even PLAY sports??? Boy, if that's not pathetic, I don't know what is. Kids growing up with that are in for a rude awakening when they get older.

Edited August 9, 2006 by incanada1234

[Fandango 1,440]

A couple of things...

How does a child have an inflated sense of self worth? How much is a child worth these days anyhow?

I remember during Valentine's we gave everyone in our class a card, but your friends or the girl/boy that you had a crush on got a candy with it.

Birthday party invitations at school - it was always done discreetly. I don't think any of my teachers would have aloud a student to disrupt class to pass out some invitations unless it involved the whole class. Same when someone brought in homemade cookies - you couldn't just share them with some kids, you had to share with the whole class.

There are some things that are just common courtesy and it's got nothing to do with turning kids into sissies. I guess it depends on the parents - if you're mom and dad are selfish pricks, chances are you will be too.

Now the candy bit wouldn't be allowed....

Did you also read where now sports participators are all getting the same trophy...do you think that's right?

[Ric Flair 0]

I especially like this part:

Or sports: In many towns, scorekeeping no longer happens at soccer or softball games played by kids under 8 or 9. Win or lose, every player in the league gets a trophy at the season's end.

Why the hell even PLAY sports??? Boy, if that's not pathetic, I don't know what is. Kids growing up with that are in for a rude awakening when they grow up.

Wooooo!

Rick Rude has nothing to do with this. His abs are nothing compared to Flair's.

Wooooo!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

A couple of things...

How does a child have an inflated sense of self worth? How much is a child worth these days anyhow?

I remember during Valentine's we gave everyone in our class a card, but your friends or the girl/boy that you had a crush on got a candy with it.

Birthday party invitations at school - it was always done discreetly. I don't think any of my teachers would have aloud a student to disrupt class to pass out some invitations unless it involved the whole class. Same when someone brought in homemade cookies - you couldn't just share them with some kids, you had to share with the whole class.

There are some things that are just common courtesy and it's got nothing to do with turning kids into sissies. I guess it depends on the parents - if you're mom and dad are selfish pricks, chances are you will be too.

Now the candy bit wouldn't be allowed....

Did you also read where now sports participators are all getting the same trophy...do you think that's right?

Yes dear, I did. I agree that's stupid. But the whole post clumps all of those anecdotal situations together and I wanted to point out that some things are just common courtesy, yes?

[Fandango 1,440]

A couple of things...

How does a child have an inflated sense of self worth? How much is a child worth these days anyhow?

I remember during Valentine's we gave everyone in our class a card, but your friends or the girl/boy that you had a crush on got a candy with it.

Birthday party invitations at school - it was always done discreetly. I don't think any of my teachers would have aloud a student to disrupt class to pass out some invitations unless it involved the whole class. Same when someone brought in homemade cookies - you couldn't just share them with some kids, you had to share with the whole class.

There are some things that are just common courtesy and it's got nothing to do with turning kids into sissies. I guess it depends on the parents - if you're mom and dad are selfish pricks, chances are you will be too.

Now the candy bit wouldn't be allowed....

Did you also read where now sports participators are all getting the same trophy...do you think that's right?

Yes dear, I did. I agree that's stupid. But the whole post clumps all of those anecdotal situations together and I wanted to point out that some things are just common courtesy, yes?

I'm not your dear, dragonboy

Some things ARE common courtesy...as far as a party is concerned, I as the mother would invite the whole class...not because I had to but because I want to.

But for a school to mandate this type of behavior s stupid. We all went thru the same issues at school...we did ok, no? It is not the school's job to make sure kids are coddled and congratulated for being the last one in the race. And again, according to this article....your precious lil candy hearts to your secret lil crushes would be against rules.

We have become a wayy too politically correct, eggshell walking, bunch of crybabies.

[ChristinaM 0]

Why be made to feel like you've done something extraordinary when you come last in a race, or you get a piece of work back that is so poorly written it's illegible? What is there to feel proud of if you never have to work for anything?

Do you get promoted if you lose clients and cost the company money? Do you get offered a job if you're the weakest candidate? No, you do not. Life is a competitive sport!

Do you feel that things should be earned? I do.

[CarolineM 0]

We have become a wayy too politically correct, eggshell walking, bunch of crybabies.

Abso-frekaing-lutely....

Hey...let's just change the NFL to a scoreless system. That way...there are no losers...Super Bowl can just be for show...no score...you know..to model for the kids.