Abusive Spouse - Please Help :(

[TBoneTX 45,956]

It just isn't worth it and once you're really truly out. And once you allow yourself time to heal you'll start to realise how lucky you were you got out before it got worse.

These two posts by Vanessa need to be enshrined in the Pantheon of Eloquent, Concise Common Sense, si man.

There is no better feeling than to be out of all of that, be ensconced in a new place to live, crack open a beer, and say aloud to no one in particular, "I'm free!"

[Married2009 32]

(Like Vanessa, I once had an abusive bf that I lived with, but mine was physically abusive as well. Once I was away from him, , I got thru the first weeks by taking it day by day. Some days, I had to take it to hour by hour - you can deal with anything one hour at a time.)

You ARE NOT responsible for their actions, your actions DID NOT cause their behavior. Write it down, and tape where you can see it every day, if you have to. There was nothing that you could have done differently to change the outcome. They (using plural is easier than he/she his/her etc) would find something to lash out at you about. Once you quit doing anything that set them off previously, they would only find something else to get you with.

You need to get in touch with your friends again - the ones who were really friends might be upset, but they will undertand if you explain (don't have to go into great detail). I think the best thing your spouse did was demand you go in for counseling. That will help you sort thru the 'baggage' (for lack of better word) that has been left behind.

One thing that concerns me - change the locks on your doors. I noted that you said you couldn't get the keys back. Don't even try, duplicate keys are cheap. If you change the locks, you will feel more secure about being there.

I would also check into divorce proceedings in your state, find out if there is a legal seperation time frame, etc. If you are concerned that they will see the stuff you searched for on your computer, go to the local library. Most of them have free usage of computers these days.

Good luck!

Edited June 16, 2010 by Married2009

[FaithfulandTrue 6]

i'm sorry you are going through this... i was abused by my first husband.. and i tried everything to make him happy so he wouldn't beat me.. but i wasn't happy... he has anger problems among other things ... i couldn't help him... i stay with him 7 years... yea i know that was stupid of me but i really cared for him... but it was getting worse and my daughter was getting old enough to know something was wrong... when it got to the point to where he argued with me in front of my mother and blackened my eye and bloodied my nose and tried to lie about it to them, it was time for me to throw in the towel... i have a temper too and had a gun... i flashed it to him and told him to go... he did... he still has a problem and tries to take them out on his daughter now who is 19... i know we talk about pros and cons, but being abused... there are no pros about staying with them... they need help and YOU can't do it... i'm praying for you sweetheart, i really am

[Nibake 4]

I hope that I can add some helpful things to what has already been said.

"My ex was abusive. I later learned that he was bipolar. NOTHING you can do can change a person like your spouse or my spouse." -Vanessa

You have been praised for giving some good advice, but I would like to try to make a couple of tender corrections. I think is would be wise to have written "nothing YOU can do..." As far as I know, all major religions and all governemnts in the world function on the principle that people can change. But it is essential that, as said, you understand that you cannot change your husband and are not responsible for doing so. He can change, and may do so, but don't believe anything he says about change unless it can be verified by an objective person (that's just my recommendation). You can change as well, and I hope that you become a better person after this process is over.

"You ARE NOT responsible for their actions, your actions DID NOT cause their behavior." This is a great quote from Married 2009, and it has my full support. I would like to remind you that: You are responsible for your actions, even though your actions DID NOT cause their behavior. Just trying to be fair and balanced.

Remember that emotions are very strong and they can inhibit judgment. Perhaps your therapist or others can help you, just be very careful about making any decisions in emotionally heated moments. I really hope that the immigration issues doesn't make you feel forced to make decisions too quickly.

What follows is advice based on the Bible, so if you disagree with the Bible, feel free to ignore it. If you believe in the Bible, it could be very helpful. I'm not trying to bang the Bible over anyone's head, hence my warning.

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Looking out for number one and blaming others are actually harmful habits, contrary to popular belief. Adam and Eve started the blame game and it continues to this day. It would be best for you and your spouse if you simply recognize that you are completely responsible for your actions and he is completely responsible for his actions. It makes things a lot more manageable. Although Vanessa might not like this, I have to entirely disagree (in as caring a way as possible) with the statement about looking for what makes you happy. I hope that you can become very happy in the near future, but again, popular opinion will mislead you here. Try to love on others, your family, your friends, participate in random acts of kindness, even with total strangers. You might be surprised to find that you feel a lot better helping people than being overly introspective at this point. Maybe I'm not disagreeing with Vanessa at all, just expounding I hope so. BTW, don't think I'm talking about you husband, at least not unless you can be completely confident that the abuse has come to an end, and that conclusion should never be based on promises, but on his actions. There is a lot more to be said, but I don't want to overwhelm you with unsolicited advice.

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Once again, I really hope that you can learn valuable lessons and recover to be a stronger, healthier person with fulfilling relationship in the future.

**edit**

I also wholeheartedly support married2009's suggestion that you continue to get the most out of counseling. It is always good to have reliable advice and support, which is what we all are trying to give you now.

Edited June 16, 2010 by Nibake

[dluke77 9]

Whether your male or female our laws say that you do not have the right to punch kick or physically abuse another person. You did the right thing by calling the police if things were that bad that it came to breaking skin by biting you. Your allowed to smoke their is no law preventing your use of tobacco, just laws on where you can smoke it. No law says you can't hit or bite someone except in designated biting/hitting zone.

You said your spouse stated now they have a ssn they can get new job and new someone to be with. Then it is quite apparent they used you to come to this country. You said she hasn't had conditions removed yet. Well by his/her statements and violence he/she has shown that the relationship is not good. You have to sign the petition to remove conditions and normally an interview. Call immigration and let them know whats up. Don't be niave and a victim.

Not going to try and be politically correct here because gender does matter in the United States still when it comes to just about every aspect of this country. If you are a man filing complaint about abuse--somewhere along the line of your filing a complaint to the court case to the divorce case... your not going to be taken as serious or receive as good 'victim' treatment as you would if you were a female filing an abuse case. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't file... just means you have to push harder. Just as females have to push for equal wages, men must push for equal domestic violence protection. If your a female and the US citizen complain just the same and push hard. We have enough US citizens that are abusers and law breakers that need to lose their citizenship--your right I don't want this person hanging around this great nation either.

At any rate: If your spouse is a she: File for divorce, contact immigration and don't sign anymore paperwork for her. Or simply tell her you want to be a better man for her and be super obidient for a couple weeks.... buy two plane tickets for you and her to visit her family and renew your relationship--then when over there. Cancel her part of the roundtrip ticket--take her documents and lose them if you can--and then cut her off and get back her and file for divorce. If your spouse is a he, I know that might be harder to do... see gender does make a difference. So if its a he--just file for divorce, contact immigration, and don't sign anything for him ever again. Either male/female has the potential to stay here illegally--just don't do anything to help them do it.

[pleasantville78 1]

Hello all, I am the original poster but forgot my original username/password so I am using this acct. now.

Thank you all so much for your help. I am not sure where I left it, but so much has happened since I last wrote. long story short, my spouse had to spend a day in jail after being arrestd in our home. There wa an arrest warrant out (mandatory for domkestic violence apparently) and after getting out, I got to hear all about the whole thing was my fault and I am such a horrible person for speaking with the police. My spouse cannot have any contact with me according to the court order, but we have been seeing each other anyways. With all that said, you would think someone would be on their best bejavior, but a few days later, I was punched yet again. almost comical at this point, especially since I keep taking the physical and verbal abuse. I guess I am just hoping they wil change and see that they are wrong in the way they treat me.

Today, I was supposed to pick them up from their friend's house (spouse is staying there because we aren't allowed to be together), but I ended up coming straight home early because I have been sick today. as I was walking home, I had to be on a conference call and called my spouse immediately after (lasted for 40 minutes). I am again wrong for not saying I was going straight home, even though I have been incredibly sick today.

I guess I am just ranting and writing all this down will either give me a reference for the future or it's a psuedo therapy for myself or I'm wondering if someone like this really can change. Maybe I am way to hopeful and need to just get on with it... But I feel so guilty because I brought them over here, they left their family, friends and job to be here and I would feel like I am leaving them high and dry, especially without a job. (which I have been made feel like a lowlife for not having the money to buy them a pair of shoes, tickets to a sports match, wanting to buy tickets to my own best friend's 30th birthday party, and on and on...).

I'm not clueless and know what the right thing for me to do is, but I am so hopeful and feel so low right now. :-/

Thanks to all for your help so much again.

[Married2009 32]

Hello all, I am the original poster but forgot my original username/password so I am using this acct. now.

Thank you all so much for your help. I am not sure where I left it, but so much has happened since I last wrote. long story short, my spouse had to spend a day in jail after being arrestd in our home. There wa an arrest warrant out (mandatory for domkestic violence apparently) and after getting out, I got to hear all about the whole thing was my fault and I am such a horrible person for speaking with the police. My spouse cannot have any contact with me according to the court order, but we have been seeing each other anyways. With all that said, you would think someone would be on their best bejavior, but a few days later, I was punched yet again. almost comical at this point, especially since I keep taking the physical and verbal abuse. I guess I am just hoping they wil change and see that they are wrong in the way they treat me.

Today, I was supposed to pick them up from their friend's house (spouse is staying there because we aren't allowed to be together), but I ended up coming straight home early because I have been sick today. as I was walking home, I had to be on a conference call and called my spouse immediately after (lasted for 40 minutes). I am again wrong for not saying I was going straight home, even though I have been incredibly sick today.

I guess I am just ranting and writing all this down will either give me a reference for the future or it's a psuedo therapy for myself or I'm wondering if someone like this really can change. Maybe I am way to hopeful and need to just get on with it... But I feel so guilty because I brought them over here, they left their family, friends and job to be here and I would feel like I am leaving them high and dry, especially without a job. (which I have been made feel like a lowlife for not having the money to buy them a pair of shoes, tickets to a sports match, wanting to buy tickets to my own best friend's 30th birthday party, and on and on...).

I'm not clueless and know what the right thing for me to do is, but I am so hopeful and feel so low right now. :-/

Thanks to all for your help so much again.

I am not saying they cannot change, but the chances of them doing so are almost nil - unless there is divine intervention or he/she goes into counseling. At this point, nothing (according to them) is their fault, it is all yours. Until they are willing to accept responsibilty for their actions, there is no hope of change. You only endanger yourself when you continue to associate with them.

[justashooter 430]

brother, she came here because she wanted to come to America, not to be with you. she gave up her family relationships for the lure of easy money, and you were nothing bu a vehicle, according to your first post. give the bitcher all the room in the world. forget about being married to her. stop violating the court order by hanging out with her. if you continue to do so it will invalidate the order. divorce her while you still can, and get your own sanity back. there are lots of other women in the USA, just enroll in college part time and you'll have so much action it will make your head spin.