WAS YOUR S.O. APPROVED AND ARRIVED IN THE US JUNE '09 - PRESENT??

[HoneyHummingbird 3]

Hi All,

My fiance will be arriving in a month's time.

To the Petitioner's that were recently approved and that are now living with their S.O.?

1.How is your S.O. adjusting?

2.Has there been anything about our way of life or culture that has been hard for your S.O.?

3.What about technology and banking? I would think there are challenges with coming from a mainly cash based way of life to a more high tech and credit based society where 90% of the time I never physically touch my $ and I usually carry $25 or less in cash.

4.Did your S.O. think he/she knew all there was to know about Americans and life in the U.S. to later see differently?

5.What about his/her feelings and experiences with interacting with non-blacks and how have they adjusted to living in a society where blacks are a minority?

I look forward to reading your posts.

Thanks

[dana0402 0]

Hi All,

My fiance will be arriving in a month's time.

To the Petitioner's that were recently approved and that are now living with their S.O.?

1.How is your S.O. adjusting?

2.Has there been anything about our way of life or culture that has been hard for your S.O.?

3.What about technology and banking? I would think there are challenges with coming from a mainly cash based way of life to a more high tech and credit based society where 90% of the time I never physically touch my $ and I usually carry $25 or less in cash.

4.Did your S.O. think he/she knew all there was to know about Americans and life in the U.S. to later see differently?

5.What about his/her feelings and experiences with interacting with non-blacks and how have they adjusted to living in a society where blacks are a minority?

I look forward to reading your posts.

Thanks

Briefly...my husband has been here for three years. I haven't been on the boards lately but wanted to respond to you. Some of this is waaay to much to type out right now, but message me if you want more info

1. He's still adjusting. He's had a pretty rough go of it, but I think part of that is just his personality! Also hard to know how much of that is because he didn't speak English at all when he got here. He still has a hard time with some of the nuances.

2. Everything! For me, it helped that I had spent a significant amount of time with him in his country, so I understand his frame of reference. Some things are easy to deal with, like food, since we've found African markets. But there are a lot of things about the ways Americans act/react that still make him nuts! He really, at times, just can't understand why people act theway they do, and it can be very frustrating for me!

3. Be careful with that! I was the same way. I got him put on my credit card account, but I found that while it had been really easy to monitor my own spending, I had no idea what he was purchasing on a daily basis, and I had some fun surprises with my credit card bills! Not that he was spending money on anything outrageous, but we'd both go to the grocery store without realizing how much the other had spent. We actually switched to using cash for most purchases because we're on a tight budget!

4. My husband came with some preconceived notions - mostly about money and how rich everyone is, but he quickly figured things out. I'm sure there are other things as well.

5. My husband hasn't had a problem with this at all!

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Hi Joseph arrived in Dec. Just for the record I am white so there are huge differences.

1 He is adjusting well. His uncle is about 20 miles away and a village age mate is even closer. This helps a lot. Once a week he goes to his uncles house for a Nigerian meal. He is very religious , but there is a Catholic church less than 2 miles from the house with an Ibo associate priest.

2 I am not as close to my family as he is to his. He loves to talk and getting him to not rack up the phone bill is hard. I monitor it and last months I threatened to confiscate the handset ( we had less than 20 minutes left between the 4 of us ) I have 2 adult sons living at home and a married daughter less than 3 miles away with 4 grandkids. ( all white ) He has no concept of credit , I added him to a small account with a debit card for now , he is NOT on any of the big accounts. One of the funnier things is he wasn't used to toilets with seats so we are still working on seat up / seat down and flushing protocol.

3 I mentioned it above but the concept of credit is a learning curve He is more than willing to let me manage everything as he learns. He has never really used a computer but I gave him my old laptop and he has a collection of >>>> for dummy's books. He still isn't working so he is learning while he is home. One thing that he takes great joy in is a garden we planted.

4 He knew what Nigerians hear of the US . He had never seen how bills can eat up your take home. He is shocked that we have homeless/beggars. He is still very Nigerian brained. One day I came home to a story about being attacked by birds and found my back yard bird habitat gone. He wants to be able to see as from the house as possible ( he cut everything down because "someone" could be hiding in the small trees ) He is surprised about how we don't interact with neighbors.

5 I am as white as it gets so he was pretty well thrown into a white environment. I am also a member of the local Ibo group and they call me their "ugly" sister. So far he hasn't had any hostile moments although I did have one American black woman try to incite me to a physical confrontation

Hi All,

My fiance will be arriving in a month's time.

To the Petitioner's that were recently approved and that are now living with their S.O.?

1.How is your S.O. adjusting?

2.Has there been anything about our way of life or culture that has been hard for your S.O.?

3.What about technology and banking? I would think there are challenges with coming from a mainly cash based way of life to a more high tech and credit based society where 90% of the time I never physically touch my $ and I usually carry $25 or less in cash.

4.Did your S.O. think he/she knew all there was to know about Americans and life in the U.S. to later see differently?

5.What about his/her feelings and experiences with interacting with non-blacks and how have they adjusted to living in a society where blacks are a minority?

I look forward to reading your posts.

Thanks

[GabiandVi 34]

My husband has been here since January. He's not working because we aren't approved yet. This has been the biggest problem. Even though the plan all along was for him to come for 6 months just for a visit, and he knew he was going to be staying home all day with our daughter to save on the daycare fees, he began complaining almost immediately that he needed to work, especially when we decided we would AOS.

1. I think my husband is "adjusting" very well. I'm the one having the problems. I am a very independent person. I lived alone for many years and moved to several countries on my own where I knew no one and couldn't even read the language. My daughter and I moved back to the US 2 years ago, and I'd been living as a single-mom since then. My husband moved into a home that already had a routine. He disrupted that routine, of course, and I'm left to adjust to that. As for his "adjustment" he is comfortable here. However, I don't know how much he has actually "adjusted." He is very stubborn and there are some ways he will never budge on. Plus, he has African food every day and listens to African music all the time. (My European brother-in-law hasn't adapted as well, I think, and he's been here 2 years already.)

2. This doesn't seem like a problem. Of course, when we met, he was living in China, so he had experience living as a foreigner in a very foreign land. Also, he had visited the US twice before so he knew, somewhat, what to expect. He shakes his head every now and then and makes some sort of comment about "Americans", but it doesn't seem to really be a problem for him. More just an observation. Of course, once he starts working and has to adapt to American ways more rigidly, he might start to exhibit frustration and stress. One thing, and as I answer this I am VERY, VERY angry at him, so, while I'm trying to be objective in my answers, my anger might be coloring them a bit, but one thing is that he won't listen to me about some very important things that are done differently here in the US. Specifically the problem right now is that he left our 3-year-old alone in the apartment yesterday evening. I've told him NEVER to do this, but he doesn't think it is a big deal. I'm spitting mad and I really don't know what I'm going to do about it. It could be a deal breaker for me.

3. He learned this in China, so no problem there, though he doesn't seem to quite get the whole budget thing.

4. As I've said above, he's been here a couple of times before, but there are new things he's learning.

5. In China, he was an anomoly. Here in the US, he hardly stands out at all. Where we live he is a minority, of course, but a very large portion of the population here is Black - over 1/3. He has made a lot of friends since his arrival. It's just his personality. What he is finding hard is that the Black culture here is nothing like his culture. Currenlty only other Africans and White Americans does he call his friends. (I'm White.)

[Cheyemo 8]

1. I think my husband is "adjusting" very well. I'm the one having the problems. I am a very independent person. I lived alone for many years and moved to several countries on my own where I knew no one and couldn't even read the language. My daughter and I moved back to the US 2 years ago, and I'd been living as a single-mom since then. My husband moved into a home that already had a routine. He disrupted that routine, of course, and I'm left to adjust to that. As for his "adjustment" he is comfortable here. However, I don't know how much he has actually "adjusted." He is very stubborn and there are some ways he will never budge on. Plus, he has African food every day and listens to African music all the time. (My European brother-in-law hasn't adapted as well, I think, and he's been here 2 years already.)

My husband isn't here yet but I think the parts I highlighted above will be what I'm facing as well. What are some strategies you've used to help yourself adjust?

[Enlighten one :) 5]

he left our 3-year-old alone in the apartment yesterday evening. I've told him NEVER to do this, but he doesn't think it is a big deal. I'm spitting mad and I really don't know what I'm going to do about it. It could be a deal breaker for me.

My ex would do the same thing to my son. I was going through a nasty custody battle at the time, which made it even more important that my son be supervised properly at all times. He wasn't work so I couldn't see what his problem was. My son was mature enough to be left alone at 11. And I would under specific short circumstances. I would tell him over and over again not to leave him alone, but he would keep doing it. I would come home early and catch him off at the library. I do think it is a cultural thing. They are used of family and neighbors/ community taking care of the kids. But after my situation I just chalked it up as he didn't care.

[GabiandVi 34]

My husband isn't here yet but I think the parts I highlighted above will be what I'm facing as well. What are some strategies you've used to help yourself adjust?

I guess it has been a matter of choosing my battles. I'm not sure I'm one to give any advice here because I'm in the middle of it and making lots of mistakes. But if you've moved around the world as a single woman, you are already very adaptable and that will kick in. Also, I guess every marriage is an adjustment, regardless of what your circumstances are, and as I married a West African, I have to be realistic about some of my adjustments. For example, housework. My friends with American husbands are horrified that I have to come home from work and clean up his lunch dishes, but that's the bed I made when I married him. It would be unrealistic of me to expect him to share the housework in the same way most American and European men would. Maybe slowly over time I can get him to start doing more, and as far as he is concerned, he already does more than any of his friends back home with wives have to do.

As for the big, non-negotiables, like not leaving a three-year-old alone in the house, I'll just have to revert to the way things were before he arrived. I'll never leave her alone with him again. She will either be in daycare, with a sitter I know and trust, or with me. I managed that way for the first three years of her life.

[Mr. K 8]

I guess it has been a matter of choosing my battles. I'm not sure I'm one to give any advice here because I'm in the middle of it and making lots of mistakes. But if you've moved around the world as a single woman, you are already very adaptable and that will kick in. Also, I guess every marriage is an adjustment, regardless of what your circumstances are, and as I married a West African, I have to be realistic about some of my adjustments. For example, housework. My friends with American husbands are horrified that I have to come home from work and clean up his lunch dishes, but that's the bed I made when I married him. It would be unrealistic of me to expect him to share the housework in the same way most American and European men would. Maybe slowly over time I can get him to start doing more, and as far as he is concerned, he already does more than any of his friends back home with wives have to do.

As for the big, non-negotiables, like not leaving a three-year-old alone in the house, I'll just have to revert to the way things were before he arrived. I'll never leave her alone with him again. She will either be in daycare, with a sitter I know and trust, or with me. I managed that way for the first three years of her life.

These cultural differences can take a little while to get used to. And with me being a man, it's something pretty nice to look forward to When I am with my fiancee in Ghana she won't even allow me to do certain things like cleaning, cooking a little something, even though she works long hours. And there's this thing in Ghana where men are not supposed to carry water. So when we walk a 1/2 mile to the store to get a (heavy) case of bottled water, she carries it on her head, no problem.

Being with a mate from a different background (especially physically located halfway around the world) is challenging, fun, and many times refreshing compared to what one may be accustomed to. This is exactly what I signed up for

Edited June 19, 2010 by Mr. K

[GabiandVi 34]

These cultural differences can take a little while to get used to. And with me being a man, it's something pretty nice to look forward to When I am with my fiancee in Ghana she won't even allow me to do certain things like cleaning, cooking a little something, even though she works long hours. And there's this thing in Ghana where men are not supposed to carry water. So when we walk a 1/2 mile to the store to get a (heavy) case of bottled water, she carries it on her head, no problem.

Being with a mate from a different background (especially physically located halfway around the world) is challenging, fun, and many times refreshing compared to what one may be accustomed to. This is exactly what I signed up for

Yes. You all should have little problem adjusting. About 5 or 6 years ago I bought a book about intercultural marriages. There are fewer issues when the man comes from a culture in which women are more empowered. The marriages with the biggest problems, according to the book, are those in which the man comes from a culture where women are less empowered than they are in the culture of the wife. While African women are remarkably strong and actually do way more than men, they don't carry the same clout as a man does. Africans certainly seem to value girl babies as much as boy babies, and they revere their mothers, but in most African cultures, men have more "power."

I know that in our case my husband is always telling me when we are fighting about this or that, "I'm a man!" as though that should be the end of the discussion. Of course, my husband has a significant traditional role in his culture in which people are supposed to prostrate themselves to him in the street, and I've actually seen people do this, so that could be part of our problem as well.

About water carrying, I never encountered that so I don't know the rules about it in the Fon culture, but they have a thing about men shopping with their wives. It's okay for a man to be seen in the market, but he can't be seen with his wife. That would be shameful. #######! Fortunately, my husband will occasionally go with me to the supermarket here. He also did this in China where we would more likely run into one of his countrymates. In fact, they would accompany us every now and then. Go figure.