She's Afraid of the USA...

[1American1 0]

Sorry, This is off the subject of K-1 Visa procedures, But I don't know where else to post this. We are just beginning our visa Journey, and she is starting to become scared. Scared of leaving her wonderful city (Lviv) And all her friends and family. She will have no one here but me. Not to mention the USA isn't the greatest place to live these days... It's not like she wants to leave her home either. But we are just so in love... What can I tell her to make her feel more comfortable about coming here?

[DARUMA07 25]

Sorry, This is off the subject of K-1 Visa procedures, But I don't know where else to post this. We are just beginning our visa Journey, and she is starting to become scared. Scared of leaving her wonderful city (Lviv) And all her friends and family. She will have no one here but me. Not to mention the USA isn't the greatest place to live these days... It's not like she wants to leave her home either. But we are just so in love... What can I tell her to make her feel more comfortable about coming here?

I think her fear is quite normal. My wife(then fiancee) was feeling the same thing. I assured her that I would always have her back. I told her through thick and thin I would always be there for her. I also left a laptop with her family so she could always have contact with them anytime she wanted to.

Bottom line is, she is just going to have to trust you that you will take care of her. It's a very big decision for them to leave the comfort of their own country and family. Your job is to reassure her that it will be all okay. I wish you both the best!!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Sorry, This is off the subject of K-1 Visa procedures, But I don't know where else to post this. We are just beginning our visa Journey, and she is starting to become scared. Scared of leaving her wonderful city (Lviv) And all her friends and family. She will have no one here but me. Not to mention the USA isn't the greatest place to live these days... It's not like she wants to leave her home either. But we are just so in love... What can I tell her to make her feel more comfortable about coming here?

What? You mean she isn't willing to do anything to get a green card? To hear an ignorant jealous American feminist talk about it that is all these FSU trollops want! They wear high heels to attract fat, bald, old American men that otherwise couldn't attract a REAL woman.

I didn't find 1 in a 1000 Ukrainians that even wanted to visit the US and yes, many of them are afraid of the US. Especially if she is from a large city and you live in a rural area. I had some of the same concerns but Alla was used to international travel and not "afraid" per se. But hey, would you move to Rhode Island if you had lived in Missouri all your life and never even seen the east coast?

She is going to a place where they don't speak the same language, not only do they not speak the same language, it is so foreign few people here even recognize it for what it is. It isn't Spanish or French (though some morons will say "Bonjour" to her ) She will be asked "What language are you speaking?" The culture is completely different. It isn't like moving here from Canada where the biggest cultural difference is "no Tim Hortons". (horror) It isn't a VWP country so she can't just come and go to Disney World or look around the place. It is sink or swim, that is for sure.

You need to reassure her that you have a normal house, probably indoor plumbing (indoor toilet was a MUST for Alla) an indoor kitchen and you don't cook on an Hibachi on the porch. It took 700 or so photos to convince Alla that an island in lake Champlain was not living like Robinson Carusoe. Give her information on local cultural features, theatre, arts, etc. Give her as much info as you can.

Alla has made a lot of Russian speaking friends here, she probably has more friends and spends more time with her friends here than she did in Donetsk. In Donetsk she was working full time, here she is a student and while that takes a lot of her time, some of her Russian speaking friends are school classmates and she has lunch with them. Yes, she will depend on you, no doubt, and you better be up for it. But she will have friends.

Finally, there is no need to "give up" her life in Ukraine. We kept our flat in Donetsk and use it often, 2-3 months per year. Alla is there now and has been for a month. She will come back Tuesday, go back in August and go back at New Years also for a month. I do not stay as long as she does, but I try to go once or twice a year for 10 days at a time or so. The planes going across the Atlantic go both ways.

But this year, for the first time, Alla is saying "I miss you, I want to come home" and it is the first time she is referring to HERE as "home". Ukraine is now the "former home" or "summer home" or "vacation home". It took two years for her to accept that.

It is a big adjustment and natural to be afraid. The first 6 months are the nardest. Once they learn to drive and learn their way around and get around and do things by themselves (even if they usually do them with you anyway) they feel better. Wouldn't you? She is an adult, she is used to doing things on her own, she doesn't need someone to drive her everywhere, tell her what temperture to set the thermostat at, how to translate the knob on the oven to degrees C, etc.

She needs YOU now, she needs YOU when she gets here. So the best thing you can do is inform her, give her all the information you can.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Something I did, since she has an elderly mother and worried about her. I have a pretty good credit card that I never use, I told her it would be in her desk and she could buy a plane ticket anytime she wanted. She said "I prefer cash" A Canadian would take the credit card and run, a Ukrainian prefers cash. So she has enough cash in her desk drawer to get her to Ukraine anytime she wants for an emergency, etc. To say "your mom is 10 hours away" is pretty hollow if you don't have the price of the ticket. Since Alla spent a lot of time working in Moscow, which was more than 10 hours by train, she can accept that. I cannot say I would be different. You cannot blow up that "bridge" in my opinion.

The above poster's suggestion of a computer is a good one, IF her family will use it. My MIL would not know how to turn it on, so keep the LD phone cards charged up. Keep the communications open, by whatever means. Our oldest son is in Moscow 10 months per year, I did buy him a laptop early on so he can skype (and even use it for schoolwork...) Basically she was OK with it as long as she knew our son was cared for and her mother was cared for. Many times the parents fall to the care of the children and they cannot just leave that responsibility. Family means more in Ukrainian culture. Women usually live with their parents until they marry and then later the parents live with the children. If a woman divorces, she moves back in with parents. There is always a mutual dependence.

[AandD 20]

Sorry, This is off the subject of K-1 Visa procedures, But I don't know where else to post this. We are just beginning our visa Journey, and she is starting to become scared. Scared of leaving her wonderful city (Lviv) And all her friends and family. She will have no one here but me. Not to mention the USA isn't the greatest place to live these days... It's not like she wants to leave her home either. But we are just so in love... What can I tell her to make her feel more comfortable about coming here?

I never thought that I will live in the US and Im here. The only person I know here is my husband and I changed my life completely. Instead of my hometown with a million inhabitants Im living now in a small town around 30.000. I used to hang around the city with my friends, went on the coffees, had the long walks...but my love was thousand and thousand miles away from me and I wasn't happy at all.

We decided to move me here because it was the best solution and spend our holidays in Croatia, with our friends and relatives.

It's not easy...but actually I don't have a lot of time to think if I miss something. I miss my husband when we are not together...I chosen to have the life I have now, I chosen to be with my love because I can't imagine to live without him. He is always here for me and if Im sad or miss my friends he supports me and we talk about that, plus I have skype and camera like all my friends and despite the 6 hours difference, I have a nice communication wherever I want and I can see them.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Some other important things. She KNOWS she will be depedent on you, do not even try to say otherwise, she will be. Even if she speaks good English she will be dependent on you for many things.

Are you dependable? I think something very important in a LD relationship is that you are 100% reliable and dependable. If you aren't calling her when you say you will and have an excuse (even a good one) how do you think she feels? Seems like a small thing, but you have to be 100% in all you do and you need to commuicate with her. "I am going to send our petition on Tuesday" Then on Tuesday you scan her a copy of the Postal tracking number for the package you sent on TUESDAY. "I will call you at 4pm" The phone better ring at 4pm. I will visit you on May 8th, send her a copy of the ticket itinerary for May 8th. She needs to know you are the MAN to depend on, the man that is her rock. If you tell her a puppy dog will pull a freight a train...she should just hook him up. Make her number 1 and make sure she knows it by your actions.

So inform her all you can, be there for her no matter what and always tell the truth and be honest with yourself and her. Think before you speak and try to cover all the bases, if you have somethign which might interfere with a phone call at 4pm, then better to tell her 5pm and go with that

[AandD 20]

Some other important things. She KNOWS she will be depedent on you, do not even try to say otherwise, she will be. Even if she speaks good English she will be dependent on you for many things.

Are you dependable? I think something very important in a LD relationship is that you are 100% reliable and dependable. If you aren't calling her when you say you will and have an excuse (even a good one) how do you think she feels? Seems like a small thing, but you have to be 100% in all you do and you need to commuicate with her. "I am going to send our petition on Tuesday" Then on Tuesday you scan her a copy of the Postal tracking number for the package you sent on TUESDAY. "I will call you at 4pm" The phone better ring at 4pm. I will visit you on May 8th, send her a copy of the ticket itinerary for May 8th. She needs to know you are the MAN to depend on, the man that is her rock. If you tell her a puppy dog will pull a freight a train...she should just hook him up. Make her number 1 and make sure she knows it by your actions.

So inform her all you can, be there for her no matter what and always tell the truth and be honest with yourself and her. Think before you speak and try to cover all the bases, if you have somethign which might interfere with a phone call at 4pm, then better to tell her 5pm and go with that

[TracyTN 237]

Moving from K1 process forum to 'moving here' forum.

[1American1 0]

Yes, I am dependable. I have a nice home, I own my own company (not rich). I do ok. She speaks great english. She is not very close with her mother, but very close to her two younger brothers. She is not poor by any means. and has a great job there. So she is giving up so much to be with me, and I almost feel like I'm not worth it... Just a regular guy... But we are so in love, and we always say that it doesn't matter where we live, as long as we are together.

[dswann 1]

Gary,

I agree with you. One thing for sur ethe computer is a great way now for you to speak with her but also her to speak with family there. Skype is a Super in this. Of course, with me and Anna, i wanted her to know she would have a life here. Of course she will count on me for everuthing but she has been doing that since i left the Ukraine in January. One muxt be aware of the mis understanding that can arise from so far away.

I have tried at every turn to place myself in Anna's shoes and what it must be like to walk away from the life in kirovograd and come here. I always try to think from that point of view.

Anna understands she will have a life here and go after her Master degree here and have goals. On the other side of things life is hard in Ukraine and the economy is even harder and finding a job is hard that is steady to support a certain life style.

Sure, not all Ukrainians look to come to USA and i met many that could care less about ever coming here. So, i hope things go well for you Land Lord!

Best of luck.

David

[AandD 20]

Yes, I am dependable. I have a nice home, I own my own company (not rich). I do ok. She speaks great english. She is not very close with her mother, but very close to her two younger brothers. She is not poor by any means. and has a great job there. So she is giving up so much to be with me, and I almost feel like I'm not worth it... Just a regular guy... But we are so in love, and we always say that it doesn't matter where we live, as long as we are together.

I had a good job back in Croatia, my own apartment, friends, relatives...and I left everything for which I worked my whole life. For her you shouldn't be "Just a regular guy".

K1 process is a very painful and you have to be prepared on that.

I wish you all the best...

Edited June 11, 2010 by AandD

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Yes, I am dependable. I have a nice home, I own my own company (not rich). I do ok. She speaks great english. She is not very close with her mother, but very close to her two younger brothers. She is not poor by any means. and has a great job there. So she is giving up so much to be with me, and I almost feel like I'm not worth it... Just a regular guy... But we are so in love, and we always say that it doesn't matter where we live, as long as we are together.

I can't help you in the self esteem area. Alla had a great life and good income but we both knew she hit the jackpot with me.

All you can do is what you can do. Do all you can to make her comfortable before and after she arrives. Do not mislead her about what her life will be here, that won't work. She will still rely on your for everything, Alla spoke excellent English when she came, it helps, but she still doesn;t know anything about the area, can't drive a car (a major problem when you live on a tiny island 40 miles from a "city" which Alla calls "an improved village")

You also need to consider her personality. Younger Ukrainian women, as a rule (but not always) are not as willing to sacrifice some goodies for their husbands. They want goodies and husbands. Women that stood in line to buy half a cucumber for breakfast as teenagers are a little easier to accept that living here is pretty darn good no matter how you cut it. CAN you offer her the lifestyle she is used to? (and remember she will not be working for some time and even when she does it will probably be a low paying job unless she is real lucky and can use her English ability to her advantage) If you can...why worry? If you cannot, then tell her so and let her decide. If she loves you and wants to be with you, no problems. If she values a happy family life a good father for her children (if she doesn't already have children, she will want them) then great.

It isn't about whether or not you "deserve her". You are a great guy with a good home to offer, a good job, etc. Nothing missing in that "dowry" for most women. You have a lot to offer a woman, if it is not enough for a particular woman...then decide that now.

Love is great, it does not overcome everything. Be honest and let her decide.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I had a good job back in Croatia, my own apartment, friends, relatives...and I left everything for which I worked my whole life. For her you shouldn't be "Just a regular guy".

K1 process is a very painful and you have to be prepared on that.

I wish you all the best...

Good comment. You need to be THE GUY. "Regular guys" need not apply. You can be much more than a regular guy with a regular income and regular home though.

[~ameriptian~ 54]

I can relate to this thread so much. I was so afraid to leave the life I've known, the friends I've made over the years, my family that I've never been apart from all my life, and move 7000 miles away to a country I never had any idea I would move to. I had a job and was financially independant. I come from a rich family (had a maid in my parent's house and I didn't have to cook or clean). I lived in Cairo, the city that never sleeps and I always found something to do in... Yet, like AandD, I was not happy. It was very hard to be so far away from my love. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do...

I had a lot of emotional/down moments althroughout and even right before the visa process. It took me 2 months to tell John that I was ready to start the visa process. I literally freaked out so many times during the visa process. Every little something John did, meant something...whether it was positive or negative..it was like I was unintentionally analyzing everything and taking it as a sign for the future of our relationship, which felt awful because I hated feeling that, but like I said it was unintentional.

The hardest part was after receiving the visa and actually leaving... But he was there for me emotionally and made me feel very loved and secure.

Now that I am here in the US (and we live in a quiet town and a small house which is not bad for a start), I am truly happy. I am with my husband and that's all that matters. John continues to make me feel at home. We Skype with my family almost every single day. We went to the international food store a few times and he made sure I got all my favorite foods. We do the house work together, which is very fun sometimes He brings me flowers home every week. He calls a few times while he is at work to see how my day is going. He makes sure I'm spending the day with my mother-in-law or my grandmother-in-law if he has to be away most of the day. My in-laws are very close to him and me which feels great, I have a family here.

I, also, have to say that VJ has been of a great support. I made many friends on VJ during and after the visa process. Have your fiancee set up her own account and post in the RUB regional forum. She might find Ukranian friends that she can keep in touch with after arriving to the US.

Support her emotionally, assure her that everything is going to be fine, discuss your future plans together, let her be in contact with your family before she arrives to the US (if you are close with them), show an effort to learn her language and learn more about her culture, let her know every step of the visa process, be very close to her and keep constant communication with her, etc.

The visa process can be very stressful and moving to a different country and culture is not an easy step. The way your fiancee is feeling is normal. She needs you, be there for her.

Good luck to you both!

Aya

[Rob and Jill 82]

Very VERY nice advice Gary!