K1 and honeymoon

[JulianMelissa 52]

I believe you. However, permit me to ask another question if you don't mind. From what I read, you have a great job in a family business that you are quite good at. It sounds like you have a pretty ideal life in the UK. Why not have Melissa move there, especially since you don't seem to like America all that much? Again, I'm not trying to argue with you, it just seems more logical to have Melissa move there.

Thank you for your polite tone JlovesA, it's appreciated and refreshing. There are several reasons why, but one of the main reasons is simply that Melissa wants to be near her family. Maybe at some future date we will make the move back across the pond, who knows. I am fortunate in that I can do most of my work remotely, so this is not problematic.

[K and L 27]

From what I saw on Melissa's blog, she quite enjoyed living with you in England.

Funny, what I saw on her blog was that their relationship really has strong signs of him being overly controlling, inconsiderate of her feelings regarding work, putting conditions on their engagement, that many of her friends seem to be concerned about how controlling/etc he is, and in short ... I believe that if it's not already passed the line into emotional/economic abuse, if the blog and the things they've both said here is accurate, it is likely to head into that way.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

[JulianMelissa 52]

Report K and L while you're at it Johnny. What a load of bollocks.

[payxibka 10,047]

IBTL

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Report K and L while you're at it Johnny. What a load of bollocks.

You're a big boy. Handle it yourself.

[MelissaJulian 30]

Honey, please stop. This is getting embarrassing and I don't want to make this get any bigger than it is.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Hi, Melissa here. I didn't know my question was going to get people so upset. I also didn't expect my fiance was going to post in this thread. I can't say sorry on his behalf, and he wouldn't want me to, but I do worry that people just don't understand his sense of humor.

To answer everyone's question, I am not moving there because I don't want to live in the UK. It was fine for six months, just about, but I couldn't settle in. I couldn't make friends with people very easily, because we were constantly moving between the city and country, and people didn't warm to me. I didn't like the weather very much in the fall and winter. I loved my year abroad in Bristol, but that was in a college environment. Moving there and being someone's wife is totally different. I am too happy in my life in California to leave again, and Julian agreed to come to me because he wants me to be happy. He saw how miserable I was in England and told me he wanted me to be wherever I was happiest, whether that was California or New York or Paris or wherever. Wherever it was, he would be there with me.

I also love living in California, and so do most of the people I know.

If that is his attempt at dry English humor, then it's falling flat. It's rather like a racially charged joke is funny when it's delivered by a black comedian, but it comes across as racist when it's uttered by anyone else. An American can poke fun at America, but it's offensive when it comes from a foreigner. There are a lot of things Americans don't like about America, but we still love our country and don't take kindly to insults from foreigners, especially when they intend to live here.

[JulianMelissa 52]

Fine, I'm done here. Enjoy yourself all.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Fine, I'm done here. Enjoy yourself all.

Why, was the threat of a little report too much for you?

Melissa asked me to attend your wedding later this year -- I said probably not, but I'm reconsidering just so I can pop you one straight in the kisser.

[JlovesA 109]

Funny, what I saw on her blog was that their relationship really has strong signs of him being overly controlling, inconsiderate of her feelings regarding work, putting conditions on their engagement, that many of her friends seem to be concerned about how controlling/etc he is, and in short ... I believe that if it's not already passed the line into emotional/economic abuse, if the blog and the things they've both said here is accurate, it is likely to head into that way.

That doesn't have anything to do with the comment I made. I read her blog, she said she loved living in England with him. I wasn't talking about my own opinions, I was referring to hers. If they're happy together, let them be. I don't think it's our place to judge relationships we're not in.

[JulianMelissa 52]

I assure you Elmcitymaven, you will not be at my wedding.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I assure you Elmcitymaven, you will not be at my wedding.

Well, you've just ensured my attendance.

[MelissaJulian 30]

Maven and Julian, please stop arguing. I just asked a silly question which I now realize I could have found the answer to very easily and I feel like an idiot having everyone make comments about my life and my fiance and my friends and my life choices.

[JlovesA 109]

Maven and Julian, please stop arguing. I just asked a silly question which I now realize I could have found the answer to very easily and I feel like an idiot having everyone make comments about my life and my fiance and my friends and my life choices.

Melissa, I've been in your place before. Saying too much on the internet and then not liking the response I get. If I was you, and I say this with the best intentions...but you and Julian should probably just delete your accounts and start again, anonymously, so nobody realizes who you are. You're never going to be able to lose the reputation here that you've been given, so the only thing you can do is either stop posting, or go into hiding basically.

[K and L 27]

Report K and L while you're at it Johnny. What a load of bollocks.

Get your big boy pants on if you think I was out of line and do it yourself.

Emotional abuse is characterized by the abuser’s manipulation and invalidation of his or her partner. Here is a list of warning signs to be aware of.

Abusive Expectations

Makes unreasonable demands.

Requires constant attention, or that you spend all your free time with him/her.

Constantly criticizes.

No matter how much you give, it never seems to be enough.

Aggressing

Calls you names, accuses, blames, threatens, or gives orders.

Can be disguised as “helping” or “teaching.”

Judgmental “I know best” attitude.

Constant Chaos

Deliberately starts arguments and may be in constant conflict with you or with others

Treats you well in front of others, but changes into a different person when you’re alone together, or vice versa.

May enjoy “drama,” because it creates excitement and brings the focus back onto him/herself.

Denying

Denies your personal needs, especially when that need is greatest, and does so with the intent of hurting, punishing, or humiliating you.

Denies that certain events occurred or that certain things were said.

Refuses to listen or communicate (silent treatment), and withdraws emotionally.

Denies your perceptions, memory, and sanity.

Disallows or overrules any viewpoints, perceptions, or feelings that differ from his/her own.

Causes you to lose confidence in and question your own perceptions and feelings.

Causes you to doubt your most powerful survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating

Manipulates the relationship so that the only feelings and opinions that count are his/her own.

Must have his/her own way, and will hurt your feelings if necessary in order to get it.

Holds you personally responsible for his/her own happiness.

Disregards your personal standards or beliefs, and may try to persuade you to do things that you don’t want to do.

Emotional Blackmail

Plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, religious values, or other “hot buttons” to get what he/she wants.

May threaten to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, give you the “cold shoulder,” or use other tactics to control you.

Invalidation

Seeks to distort your perceptions of your own world.

Refuses to or fails to acknowledge reality in order to create his/her own false reality.

If you tell your partner that you felt hurt by something he/she did or said, he/she might say, “You’re too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you.”

Or, the abuser might turn it around by saying, “You hurt me too sometimes. I just don’t say anything because I’m understanding.”

Suggests that your emotions and perceptions are faulty and can’t be trusted.

Any time your own feelings are disregarded or denied, invalidation has occurred.

Minimizing

Less extreme form of denial.

Says things like “You’re exaggerating” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

Trivializes by suggesting that something you have communicated is inconsequential or unimportant.

Unpredictable Responses

Acts angry or upset in a situation that normally would not warrant such a response, or gets angry certain times but not others.

Blows up or gets angry at you over innocent comments you made.

You feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around him/her.

Has drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts.

Likes something you do one day, but hates it the next.

Verbal Assaults

Berates, belittles, criticizes, threatens, or calls you names.

Subtle to blatant use of sarcasm and humiliation.

Constantly finds flaws with you.

Makes fun of you in front of others, or in private.

Emotional abuse often starts out very subtly, and progresses gradually over a period of time. Abusers are master manipulators, and can deceive even your friends and family – as well as their own. Trust your own feelings and perceptions.

https://wsr.byu.edu/content/warning-signs-emotional-abuse