British Bun in the Oven

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I think you could start an internet meme "Mad-Ag is not impressed"

[TracyTN 237]

Trompe!! I do think Mad-Ag looks like a little adult - she really does somehow!! So adorable!

We had a weekend away in Chicago to see Rush. The babysitter stayed at our house with Emily and she seemed to do really well. I can tell you we desperately needed the time away. I think Chas and I are both just so burnt out. Unfortunately, my family has not become the support system either of us expected when I was pg. They never offer to take Emily, and when we do ask my parents to have her, they are only okay with it if it is a few hours because Emily 'tires them out'; they're sure to tell us that, and even told our weekend babysitter that same thing. They are retired, 66 and 69 respectively and in good health - but Emily wears them out if it's more than 3 hours. That means any overnights have to be done by the babysitter we had for the weekend or my best friend - which also means we don't get to do it more than once a year. Because really, shouldn't it be the relatives who do overnights mostly? That's not even mentioning my sister who also has never offered to take her even for a few hours at a time - and she even has two teenagers who could help her out.

I don't mean to complain, but it is especially hard on Chas who is with her all day every day and literally only gets a break when I'm there - and even at that, he is still unable to completely 'remove' himself. And then I'm frustrated and upset that I can't do more than I do to give him a break because I work/commute 45 hours a week. It's hard not to feel resentful for having basically no help from my family. Am I overreacting or do some of you have this problem too?

Sorry - don't mean to bring a 'happy' thread down but I'm really just at a loss anymore as to what to do. It seems we have no reprieve in sight until Emily goes to kindergarten and that's pretty depressing.

[Gemmie 142]

Tracy, I'm sorry that your family aren't very supportive. I really don't see why a three hour period would tire them out to the point where they don't like having her stay. It doesn't seem fair, especially when there are so many families out there that either wish they could spend time with their grandchildren (in situations like on VJ, where oceans separate families) or wish they even had grandchildren. It's great that you like your babysitter though- it's important for you and the husband to have a break now and then. No one said it would be easy, and I'm sure no one expects it to be, but we're all human, and need some space and time to recharge, or we'll just cave.

Unfortunately, I think it will be the same with us. My husband has parents living 45 minutes away, but they never come to see us now (we had to practically force them last time by refusing to come to theirs again and again) because they don't like "long drives" and claim they just don't have the time because of work- this is when they were working part-time. We haven't yet told them that we're having a baby, but we don't anticipate any change when it's born. They already tell us that kids change everything in a relationship and that they're too young to be grandparents (they're both 56-ish). It's not nice to say, but this seems like something we will just have to handle ourselves. We don't really have any close friends around. Bill will be home all day as he works nights, so he won't get much break from childcare, and I will try my hardest to give him some time alone often, but I guess we'll just have to see how it plays out because I know there will be exhaustion from both of us.

I hope your sister's scan goes well tomorrow, Empress! I was thinking about her earlier, so checked this thread for updates. I have mine in 3 weeks time, and I'm already so nervous about whether there will be a heart beat, even though we already heard it at 8 weeks. I didn't realise how anxious this first trimester would be! I met with a midwife this week and had all the testing done. She tried to find the heartbeat with a doppler as long as I promised not to panic if she couldn't find it, as I was only 9 weeks. Never did find it, but I appreciate that she tried.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Tracy, you are not alone in feeling like that. I bet it's also more common with couples like our where one set of grandparents is overseas. We're down a whole set of potential babysitters.

My MIL is very close by (we live in a log cabin on her farm) and she offers all the time to help out. The main problem is she is always travelling somewhere exotic or fun, and I find that the times I really need her help she's somewhere else. Also and this sounds so ungrateful, I know. She's not the sort of grandmother who would come over to your house to watch and then put the baby to bed. So a night out for us means picking up Georgie at her house really late and then trying to get her back to sleep in her own bed. She's not a great sleeper anyway and it knocks her schedule for the whole next day.

I'm the one at home without much of a childcare break so I really sympathise with your other half. My husband has a massive commute - he leaves the house at 6am and gets home about 8pm. I know he feels bad that he can't do more but he gets home so shattered that there's no real chance for a break for me.

We just put G into a 2-year old preschool class - it's 2 hours twice a week. It's supposed to be the chance for me to either get a break/or get chores done child free. We're only a week in but so far the effort of getting her ready to go, getting her there, picking her up and dealing with her meltdown when she comes home has actually negated any relief I've had from the childcare. And that doesn't include the weeks where I have to provide the class snacks!

[TracyTN 237]

Tracy, I'm sorry that your family aren't very supportive. I really don't see why a three hour period would tire them out to the point where they don't like having her stay. It doesn't seem fair, especially when there are so many families out there that either wish they could spend time with their grandchildren (in situations like on VJ, where oceans separate families) or wish they even had grandchildren. It's great that you like your babysitter though- it's important for you and the husband to have a break now and then. No one said it would be easy, and I'm sure no one expects it to be, but we're all human, and need some space and time to recharge, or we'll just cave.

Unfortunately, I think it will be the same with us. My husband has parents living 45 minutes away, but they never come to see us now (we had to practically force them last time by refusing to come to theirs again and again) because they don't like "long drives" and claim they just don't have the time because of work- this is when they were working part-time. We haven't yet told them that we're having a baby, but we don't anticipate any change when it's born. They already tell us that kids change everything in a relationship and that they're too young to be grandparents (they're both 56-ish). It's not nice to say, but this seems like something we will just have to handle ourselves. We don't really have any close friends around. Bill will be home all day as he works nights, so he won't get much break from childcare, and I will try my hardest to give him some time alone often, but I guess we'll just have to see how it plays out because I know there will be exhaustion from both of us.

I hope your sister's scan goes well tomorrow, Empress! I was thinking about her earlier, so checked this thread for updates. I have mine in 3 weeks time, and I'm already so nervous about whether there will be a heart beat, even though we already heard it at 8 weeks. I didn't realise how anxious this first trimester would be! I met with a midwife this week and had all the testing done. She tried to find the heartbeat with a doppler as long as I promised not to panic if she couldn't find it, as I was only 9 weeks. Never did find it, but I appreciate that she tried.

Thanks Gemmie - I really don't see, either, how a 3-4 hour visit can be so exhausting. Yes, they're older, but there's two of them and they're both in remarkably good health for their age. And to your point - a lot of grandparents on this board would kill to have time with their grandchildren but can't because they live an ocean apart (literally). It just seems like they're looking at it in a totally screwed up way, but they're so set in their ways, I'll be damned if I can change their perspective about it. I'm just going to stop asking them to watch her. If they want to see her, they need to put some effort into it. I'm done.

I REALLY hope it isn't that way for you guys. I know these are all 'first world problems' and all, but I can tell you from experience that you really get to a breaking point. You sort of 'forget' who you were before the bundle of joy arrived, and that's when moments of time to yourself are so important - and yet, so hard to come by when you have families like ours. I have found it challenging to give my husband some down time, esp. since he doesn't really have friends here so if he wanted to get out of the house for a break - where's he going to go? I'm sure your husband won't have that problem though.

Ooh Empress- what's the latest update?!

Tracy, you are not alone in feeling like that. I bet it's also more common with couples like our where one set of grandparents is overseas. We're down a whole set of potential babysitters.

My MIL is very close by (we live in a log cabin on her farm) and she offers all the time to help out. The main problem is she is always travelling somewhere exotic or fun, and I find that the times I really need her help she's somewhere else. Also and this sounds so ungrateful, I know. She's not the sort of grandmother who would come over to your house to watch and then put the baby to bed. So a night out for us means picking up Georgie at her house really late and then trying to get her back to sleep in her own bed. She's not a great sleeper anyway and it knocks her schedule for the whole next day.

I'm the one at home without much of a childcare break so I really sympathise with your other half. My husband has a massive commute - he leaves the house at 6am and gets home about 8pm. I know he feels bad that he can't do more but he gets home so shattered that there's no real chance for a break for me.

We just put G into a 2-year old preschool class - it's 2 hours twice a week. It's supposed to be the chance for me to either get a break/or get chores done child free. We're only a week in but so far the effort of getting her ready to go, getting her there, picking her up and dealing with her meltdown when she comes home has actually negated any relief I've had from the childcare. And that doesn't include the weeks where I have to provide the class snacks!

UGH - I understand that too, Lynne. My parents have never put Emily to bed either - for some reason, they prefer to keep her at their house (despite all her toys, movies and stuff are at our house) so even if we get an evening out, we feel we need to get her by 8 or 8:30 so we can get home and start the bedtime routine.

I bet you and my husband would have a LOT to talk about! He just really thought he'd have some support from my family in his efforts as a stay-at-home dad, but it just hasn't turned out that way and he is burnt out. I actually made him go see our doctor this week because I thought he was depressed and needed meds (doc said just burnt out so no meds). And I understand where your husband is coming from. The only way I could really give hubby a break would be to quit my job, which of course isn't feasible - and the stress of being the primary breadwinner AND having that guilt over hubby being burnt out - it just sucks. I HATE that the preschool class hasn't really helped you in that realm either. I would have thought it would - and here I was looking forward to that next year when she starts going to school somewhere.

I feel ungrateful for saying something too, but at the same time, you just want the support of your family and to not get it is a let down, let alone when you're already both pushed to your limit. ETA: I have to also say that even if hubby's mother lived here and not in England, she would be little help to us too. She is disabled so she doesn't get around the best, and even though she'd probably be thrilled to keep Emily, we wouldn't feel too safe with her having her overnight or something because of her lack of mobility.

Edited September 21, 2012 by TracyTN

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Hi, ladies

I just talked to my sis. She said the ultrasound went pretty well, but she won't have the "official" results until sometime next week because they took blood at the appointment. The tech said the measurements for the nuchal part were normal, but she didn't have any other information. My sis sounded in good spirits, though. My OB's office had a good approach to the test because I was given a take-home finger-####### kit and sent the blood sample to the lab in advance of the ultrasound. The blood test results were already in the database when I went to the ultrasound appointment, so they were able to give me the risk stats right then and there. But, so far so good!

Tracy, I hear you about the parental support. Overall, I'm a bit disappointed in my mom, who is 66, in good health, physically active, and retired with no obligations. She is very good about babysitting if we want to go out on a weekend night or if we want to go to a baseball game or concert, and I'm very grateful for that. She'll put Mad-Ag to bed too (well, she tends to let Madeleine stay up late, which can mess things up a bit, but I guess we can't complain too much about that). But what has been disappointing is that she hasn't really stepped up to help out during the week when we both have to work. She hasn't had Madeleine for an entire work day for months. I work from home, and a couple of times when Madeleine was sick and out of daycare, I asked my mom if she could come down and look after her so I could finish up a project. My mom did come down but would interrupt me to say, "I think she needs to be changed," "What should I feed her?" "What should I do with her?" Where's this? Where's that?" Even when Madeleine was a tiny baby and I was having a hard time when Jon went back to work, she'd come by and visit for a couple of hours but not really help, like she never offered to take care of her so I could take a nap. In contrast, my MIL looked after Mad-Ag's cousin Max three full days a week (Jon's sister has since quit her job) for free. My stepmother in the Boston area also takes care of her two grandsons, 1 and 3, twice a week. I never expected my mom to commit to something like that, but she did have a different "I can help with the baby!" attitude when I was pregnant, and now it's, "Your daughter is exhausting! Can I go home now?" We joke about it with Jon's sister, because their mother is almost too helpful--like, always around, making dinner, being bossy, telling them what to do, and generally driving them nuts. I think an entire weekend with grandma is out of the question for the next few years. Fingers crossed my sis has a baby, then we can do a babysitting swap. Actually, my sister has only babysat a couple of times since Madeleine was born. I think she has anxiety about it, but that will change once she has her own kid. I do know what you mean about feeling ungrateful, especially considering that lots of people don't have family around at all, or their family members just aren't helpful, or even estranged. But given that my mom literally has nothing to do and lives in the same city, I'd expected a little more help, especially early on when I was a sleep-deprived, anxious, quasi-depressed wreck (which has become clear in retrospect).

Sorry for the tome.

[TracyTN 237]

Hi, ladies

I just talked to my sis. She said the ultrasound went pretty well, but she won't have the "official" results until sometime next week because they took blood at the appointment. The tech said the measurements for the nuchal part were normal, but she didn't have any other information. My sis sounded in good spirits, though. My OB's office had a good approach to the test because I was given a take-home finger-####### kit and sent the blood sample to the lab in advance of the ultrasound. The blood test results were already in the database when I went to the ultrasound appointment, so they were able to give me the risk stats right then and there. But, so far so good!

Tracy, I hear you about the parental support. Overall, I'm a bit disappointed in my mom, who is 66, in good health, physically active, and retired with no obligations. She is very good about babysitting if we want to go out on a weekend night or if we want to go to a baseball game or concert, and I'm very grateful for that. She'll put Mad-Ag to bed too (well, she tends to let Madeleine stay up late, which can mess things up a bit, but I guess we can't complain too much about that). But what has been disappointing is that she hasn't really stepped up to help out during the week when we both have to work. She hasn't had Madeleine for an entire work day for months. I work from home, and a couple of times when Madeleine was sick and out of daycare, I asked my mom if she could come down and look after her so I could finish up a project. My mom did come down but would interrupt me to say, "I think she needs to be changed," "What should I feed her?" "What should I do with her?" Where's this? Where's that?" Even when Madeleine was a tiny baby and I was having a hard time when Jon went back to work, she'd come by and visit for a couple of hours but not really help, like she never offered to take care of her so I could take a nap. In contrast, my MIL looked after Mad-Ag's cousin Max three full days a week (Jon's sister has since quit her job) for free. My stepmother in the Boston area also takes care of her two grandsons, 1 and 3, twice a week. I never expected my mom to commit to something like that, but she did have a different "I can help with the baby!" attitude when I was pregnant, and now it's, "Your daughter is exhausting! Can I go home now?" We joke about it with Jon's sister, because their mother is almost too helpful--like, always around, making dinner, being bossy, telling them what to do, and generally driving them nuts. I think an entire weekend with grandma is out of the question for the next few years. Fingers crossed my sis has a baby, then we can do a babysitting swap. Actually, my sister has only babysat a couple of times since Madeleine was born. I think she has anxiety about it, but that will change once she has her own kid. I do know what you mean about feeling ungrateful, especially considering that lots of people don't have family around at all, or their family members just aren't helpful, or even estranged. But given that my mom literally has nothing to do and lives in the same city, I'd expected a little more help, especially early on when I was a sleep-deprived, anxious, quasi-depressed wreck (which has become clear in retrospect).

Sorry for the tome.

They did the same for our test - took the blood in advance. A shame they didn't for your sister, but it all sounds like it went well anyway. I'm sure she'll feel 100% better when they get the final results though.

I appreciate the tome - really. I appreciate what Gemma and Lynne have also said. It sort of makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone, but I do hate that all of you go through similar things. It is sort of humorous that Jon's sister has the OPPOSITE problem. Can't there just be a happy medium? I think we all recognize that we could have it worse, but being so let down by my family in this area is not really something I expected. I mistakenly thought we were closer than that, and that their granddaughter would be something to be enjoyed - not endured. Even my sister and niece were all up my butt when I was preggo, but now where are they?

Funny how your mom said Mad-Ag makes her exhausted - same thing my folks said (though they didn't have the sense/courtesy to say it to my face...!). Like your mom, both my folks are retired and the only concern they have every day is how to pass the time until bedtime. So I really don't get why they won't come and get Emily, take her to the park or something and let Chas have a few hours to himself once a week. That doesn't seem like too much to ask - aside from the fact that you'd think they would WANT to spend time with her. It may be tiring, but isn't it also fun and rewarding to see your grandchild interact with you and the world? Do you ever think she'll take her for an entire weekend - maybe once she gets potty trained and stuff? I'm pretty sure that isn't happening here.

Do you find you have to ask your mom to keep her when you guys want to go out, or will she occasionally say 'if you guys want a date night, let me know and I'll come over'? I sort of resent having to ask anyway, and now I will probably stop asking all together. They raised two kids - surely they know how important it is to have breaks but I guess they figure we just have to cope. I distinctly remember weekends at my grandparents house, so I know they got breaks - too bad the same courtesy is not allowed here. And like you said - what help was she really when you were WFH and Mad-Ag was sick - stopping you every five minutes for stuff she should mostly know (and the diaper changes - oy!!)?? LOL.

I just asked my best friend to watch Emily for a few hours next Friday night while we go to a birthday party, and the reply I got back was affirmative but short. So what, now one of my only two reliable babysitters is getting worn out with it? Aaaah just kill me now. LOL

[Marilyn. 340]

that is one part I am going to be sad about if and when I have kids. My parents and siblings are great with my nephew. they take care of him all day or overnight a few times a week, take him to and from school etc...

the only person I have here who would possibly babysit is my SIL and I know she would gladly do it but she has 5 kids of her own. She has to shuttle them to and from school and practices etc.. My husband's dad barely spends time with his current grand-kids. My MIL would come and kick him in the butt if she knew how he is with his grand-kids. She was an awesome grandma and I know she would have been awesome with our kids too.

[TracyTN 237]

I could really use some advice on how to traverse this new territory. Normally, I take Emily over to their house on Saturdays and we hang out. I want that to not be the norm anymore, and I also want them to know that their 'it's exhausting' message left with the babysitter got back to me. I'm really not sure what to say in order to kill two birds with one stone, and also not to be a complete biotch about it so that things aren't strained.

ANY and all ideas welcomed.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

I could really use some advice on how to traverse this new territory. Normally, I take Emily over to their house on Saturdays and we hang out. I want that to not be the norm anymore, and I also want them to know that their 'it's exhausting' message left with the babysitter got back to me. I'm really not sure what to say in order to kill two birds with one stone, and also not to be a complete biotch about it so that things aren't strained.

ANY and all ideas welcomed.

Is it that you don't want to see them every Sat or just not at their place?

If it's the latter then I'd say to my parents that I was finding it hard and 'exhausting' myself at the moment with the toddler stage etc etc and that it would be lovely and a big help if they would come to you every other week. Or whatever works. If they say they can't/won't come to you, then you can regretfully say that you just can't make it every week right now as you're too overwhelmed.

If it's that you don't want a set Saturday engagement with them then I'd aim to break the current pattern

You could start by shaking things up a couple of weeks in a row. Say you have another event/party etc you have to go to on one Saturday, and the following week ask them over for dinner (I know more work for you), then the next week go to theirs and then the next week after that again be unavailable. You've then broken the pattern for a month. You don't even have to say anything specifically - if they bring it up then just say Saturdays are a premium time and it's been difficult to always commit to do one thing.

Not sure re the comment to the babysitter. Might depend on what you hope to achieve by telling them you know - an apology? An agreement to be more discrete?

Another suggestion I had for your hubby is to look for a daycare near by which allows short period day drop offs. One near me allows the odd drop off and it's only $8 an hour. Just having say 2-3 hours on a Friday morning could be a nice break.

We also have a great community gym and swimming pool near us which also has a childcare facility - you are allowed up to 2 hours for $5 childcare. Long enough for a quick workout and a nice swim. I started doing that 2 months ago and it made a huge difference to my mood.

[TracyTN 237]

Is it that you don't want to see them every Sat or just not at their place?

If it's the latter then I'd say to my parents that I was finding it hard and 'exhausting' myself at the moment with the toddler stage etc etc and that it would be lovely and a big help if they would come to you every other week. Or whatever works. If they say they can't/won't come to you, then you can regretfully say that you just can't make it every week right now as you're too overwhelmed.

If it's that you don't want a set Saturday engagement with them then I'd aim to break the current pattern

You could start by shaking things up a couple of weeks in a row. Say you have another event/party etc you have to go to on one Saturday, and the following week ask them over for dinner (I know more work for you), then the next week go to theirs and then the next week after that again be unavailable. You've then broken the pattern for a month. You don't even have to say anything specifically - if they bring it up then just say Saturdays are a premium time and it's been difficult to always commit to do one thing.

Not sure re the comment to the babysitter. Might depend on what you hope to achieve by telling them you know - an apology? An agreement to be more discrete?

Another suggestion I had for your hubby is to look for a daycare near by which allows short period day drop offs. One near me allows the odd drop off and it's only $8 an hour. Just having say 2-3 hours on a Friday morning could be a nice break.

We also have a great community gym and swimming pool near us which also has a childcare facility - you are allowed up to 2 hours for $5 childcare. Long enough for a quick workout and a nice swim. I started doing that 2 months ago and it made a huge difference to my mood.

Thanks a lot for replying. I really need ideas.

I just don't want a set Saturday engagement. Your point is a good one that I can not only use but which is also true. Saturdays ARE premium time and its hard to commit to always do one thing.

Re: the comment to the babysitter, I am mainly just floored that they'd say it to someone other than me, and that it seems to suggest we are constantly asking them to keep her for long periods of time. That just isn't reality. If they think we ask them a lot, then we will stop asking at all unless we have no other options. I suppose I just need an understanding of why it had to be said whether it was to me or to the sitter.

I will bring up the idea of a drop off baby sitter - thanks! I know for sure there is at least one in town that will allow that.

I had a Y membership for all of us for about 6 months and he never used it. I figured it'd be a chance for him to work out, have a sauna or a swim while she was being looked after. In one of his 'down' moments, it was one of the various things I suggested that maybe he try and he made some snide comment about how yeah, working out solves everything. I dropped him from the membership the next month.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Hi, ladies

So, my sis talked to the perinatologist on the phone earlier this week with the blood test results. One looked fine and the other was considered in an "abnormal" range. What this means in the context of the ultrasound looking good (nuchal fold & nose were fine) and the other measurement being normal, I have no idea. Overall, I think it sounds promising. The "abnormal" finding calculated a 1 in 69 change of Downs, which sounds high, but again, it's just a risk based on a formula. She has an appointment with her regular OB Tuesday and will talk it over then. I think she's a bit worried, especially with a word like "abnormal" being thrown around. I'm hoping her OB will have a reassuring interpretation of the results. So, we'll see.

Tracy, I've been thinking about your issue with your parents, and I am at a loss, except maybe to ask them if they could watch her overnight one night and see what the response is. If it's negative, maybe you can clear the air a little bit and let them know that you thought they'd be more amenable to helping out. If there's one thing I've learned about grandmothers, at least Madeleine's, they definitely don't have a clear memory of what taking care of little kids is like! And who can blame them...in our case, it was a really long time ago! Were they helpful when your sister's kids were younger? My mom never offers to babysit, but it may be because we're not bashful about asking. She didn't have any help when she had us (my brother, sister, and me). My grandmother was in her 50s when we were born and worked full time. My dad's mother never got a license and lived several towns over. However, this was in the 70s, when there were many more sort of informal networks, visits, etc. It's much easier to be isolated now, and I imagine it's harder for a guy because there are fewer stay-at-home dads. Might Chas consider looking for a parents' group during the day? Not dads necessarily, but other parents he can hang with, and Emily could meet some other kids? If I was ever in a position to stay at home, that's probably what I'd do. I don't know any SAHPs in my area, but I'm sure there are plenty. In terms of giving Chas a break, is preschool an option? Mad-Ag is enrolled five days a week for a full day, but some kids go as infrequently as two mornings a week, 9-1. An extra expense, of course, but it might be nice for Emily, and Chas could have a little bit of a break on a regular basis.

Regarding my mom, although I'm a bit disappointed in her lack of engagement in some ways, I'm more worried about her psychological state since retiring three years ago. Her days really have no structure, and she sleeps a lot (which we joke about...Jon has teased her about her sleeping habits being like Inception [the movie]...a nap within a nap within a nap). She goes to aerobics a couple of mornings a week, rides her bike, and goes for walks, so she's physically active, which is good. She also goes to the movies with her friend Kris at least once a week and out for dinner on Wednesday nights with "the old folks" (these are really old folks, like she's the whippersnapper of the group). But that's it. She watches tons of TV. She's not pursuing any hobby or really doing anything productive or constructive. She was a reference librarian at a major university until her retirement, so she had a lot of human contact and intellectual engagement. She just doesn't seem to have any interest in much. My sister, who is civically engaged and always doing this or that, has been encouraging her to volunteer at the library where she works (my sis is also a librarian). They have lots of volunteers who pick their own hours. My mom just has no interest and admits she's selfish with her time and doesn't want to commit to anything. Like, anything. I find it dispiriting. The aforementioned Kris, who is a nice lady, hasn't worked since the mid-80s because her parents died and left her a portfolio hefty enough to live on. She does even less than my mom, and I think my mom has been influenced by this. I remember my mom saying "I don't want to spend my retirement like Kris, spending my days watching TV." And that's kinda what she's doing now. I thought that having a grandkid might give her some purpose and structure, but it hasn't. She's defensive when the idea of "retirement inertia" is brought up. So, I don't know. I just wish she did a little more. I'm sure that if I called her right now, she'd say she was "puttering around and watching tennis."

[TracyTN 237]

Hi, ladies

So, my sis talked to the perinatologist on the phone earlier this week with the blood test results. One looked fine and the other was considered in an "abnormal" range. What this means in the context of the ultrasound looking good (nuchal fold & nose were fine) and the other measurement being normal, I have no idea. Overall, I think it sounds promising. The "abnormal" finding calculated a 1 in 69 change of Downs, which sounds high, but again, it's just a risk based on a formula. She has an appointment with her regular OB Tuesday and will talk it over then. I think she's a bit worried, especially with a word like "abnormal" being thrown around. I'm hoping her OB will have a reassuring interpretation of the results. So, we'll see.

Tracy, I've been thinking about your issue with your parents, and I am at a loss, except maybe to ask them if they could watch her overnight one night and see what the response is. If it's negative, maybe you can clear the air a little bit and let them know that you thought they'd be more amenable to helping out. If there's one thing I've learned about grandmothers, at least Madeleine's, they definitely don't have a clear memory of what taking care of little kids is like! And who can blame them...in our case, it was a really long time ago! Were they helpful when your sister's kids were younger?

I agree - that IS kind of confusing as far as the results go. I will also be curious to hear what her OB says. But I do think it sounds more positive than negative for sure which is what I'd hold on to. But I know she will feel better after having the conversation with her OB. Let us know.

Oh we asked for an overnight thing when Emily was about 3 months old and we were going to see Rush. I expected them not to, so I had already lined up Karen. We said to them, 'Karen is willing to keep her unless you guys would rather - you're the grandparents so you have that right.' No, they said - it'd be too tiring for them. We have not even bothered to ask for an overnight since, even though Emily sleeps through the night with more regularity now, she is still apparently 'tiring'.

Honestly, I am at a loss too about my parents, I really am. I have had others tell me I just kind of have to accept that that's how they are and move on, which I think I have. I certainly don't expect any help from them going forward, so making alternate plans for EVERY thing is the best way I know to accept it. I had emailed mom last week telling her how stressed out Chas is, and her reply was some anecdote about how isolated she felt after my (older) sister was born. No offers of help or even 'Let us come get Emily one afternoon'. She knows he's struggling but just doesn't really care I guess. The only options we have to get her out of the house right now is a mom's day out program. All the ones around here are run by local churches. Being from the south, this means you could have anywhere from your scary Christian zealots teaching her or the most mainstream person in the world. We're not religious so I'm just hesitant about what people we don't know may be teaching her. So our best bet is to hold on until next year when she can go to a proper preschool. But that sure seems a ways off to Chas.

I have suggested a Nashville stay at home dad group but he isn't interested. I got him and Em a gym membership he never used (he could work out or swim and leave her in care on site) and was in fact sarcastic about when I mentioned again it was available, so I cancelled it the next month. The one SAHM that he connected with, our neighbor, just moved this past weekend. I'm pretty sure he won't see much of them anymore. But that was a good outlet for both he and Emily, albeit an infrequent one.

My parents were much more involved with my niece and nephew when they were babies, but as I've been reminded time and again, they were much younger then (my niece and nephew are 16 and 15 respectively). But my parents were also both still working full time then too, and still had them every Saturday (ALL day) and would occasionally do things in the evening with them as well. It's my fault, you see, for having waited until I was 39 to have Emily. My brother in law essentially told me as much on two separate occasions. I guess I should have had a child either out of wedlock or with my alcoholic first husband. That would have been more convenient for everyone I suppose.

In my email with mom this week, I told her we had plans Saturday but that didn't stop her from calling me and asking what time we were meeting them for lunch. (Duh!) I felt bad lying and saying we were busy, but at the same time, they've hurt me so badly with this, I don't really care about being dishonest. I will have to mention at some point how the message about being exhausted by her got back to me, at which point I just plan to say so you let me know when you want to see her. I deserve a weekend too, and am fed up with Saturdays being theirs - I'm not going over there by default any more. Wouldn't want to exhaust them anyway. But I'm sure I'll be made to feel insensitive about that too. I can't really win.

I'm sorry to hear that about your mom. It does almost sound like she may be a little depressed or something. I do think Kris probably isn't helping her outlook any either. Unfortunately, as I have learned these past few weeks, you can't do anything about it. If she wants to live her life that way, it's up to her. Trying to change it or make her have activities outside watching TV, she's probably going to make you feel resentful or awkward somehow. I understand the frustration though - kind of watching her 'check out' of life, esp. when she has a granddaughter she could really be getting to know and enjoying.

Edited October 1, 2012 by TracyTN

[DiZZyLoX 114]

Yay babies!! (quick update - i am alive and so is my kid).

Lox is 4 months on Oct 12th. Holy #######. He military crawled today and I almost shat my pants. Today is our 1 year wedding anniversary. I demand we get a t-shirt that says "hell, we did it".

HA!

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Hi, Dizzy! Glad you and Lox are doing well. How is his (and your) sleeping? Any chance of an updated pic?

Aw, Tracy, all that sucks. I think I may have misrepresented my mom's attitude a bit. She actually is a fixture in Madeleine's life and really enjoys her ("Your daughter is a piece of work" she says every time she sees her, but she means it affectionately). She sees her at least once a week, and often twice or more. If she hasn't seen her for a few days, she'll sometimes come down in the evening or on a Saturday, and three out of four Sundays, I'll take Mad-Ag up to her place for a couple of hours to give Jon some time to himself. She's actually a much better host than guest, I have to say. She likes to make coffee and feed us, and play the piano with Madeleine. She is glad to have a grandkid in town (my almost nine-year-old niece lives four hours away). I suppose my frustration, which is entirely selfish, is that the emphasis is more on the two-hour play-type visit (with one of us there as well) rather than helping out. As it relates to her ultra-lazy retirement, I was hoping that she might find some structure and purpose in some kind of regular babysitting scheme, or even just pitching in when preschool is closed...which it has been many days over the past month for various Jewish holidays, including today! Madeleine is napping as I type. I really should be working. But for her own sake, I wish she'd do more on a day-to-day basis. My sister thinks my mom is just lazy and this is basically her dream life (that actually made me laugh), but Jon thinks she's a little depressed and doesn't realize it. I think she'd like to be doing more but just won't make it happen for some reason.

I'm sorry to hear about Chas. It sounds like he's in quite a funk. If you can talk him into it, I think the dads group is worth a try. I can understand his reluctance, though, especially if he seems depressed. When I was home w/ Mad-Ag during the first few months, I knew that some socializing with people with babies would have been really helpful in many ways--just getting out of the house and interacting with other humans would improved my mood a great deal, I'm sure--but I was so wiped out and semi-depressed that I just didn't have it in me to meet new people. And I was concerned with practical things like going to someone's house or a park and having Madeleine vomit all over the place. I think you have to have the right frame of mind to put yourself out there like that. It's almost like dating...you're sizing them up, they're sizing you up, and they might be the nicest people in the world, but you don't know that yet. But the payoff can be great in making new friends and socializing for the kiddos. I'm sorry that your parents don't want to help out more to give Chas a break. I'd find that pretty upsetting, I think.